Focus on the primaries
Last week my Aging Powerbook G4 finally said goodbye as I was watching a DVD with my daughter. No drama, it was like a short last breath and after 6 faithful years the little white light dimmed not to shine again. Rather good for a laptop I must say. This confronted me with a bit of a problem because I’m behind on my assignments, watching videos, reading blogs. I also got an invitation to join the PF which confronted me with the fact that I'm not as 'digital' as I thought I was. I get kind a lost in all the protocols and information. I'm managing much 'better' than before though and I think it has a lot to do with stopping weed completely.
The road ahead
Looking at the things I needed to do it kind of overwhelmed me. The cost-raise for the DIP coarse confronted me with some anxiety as well. This point pushes me to either get a ‘good’ steady job or sponsorship. After sleeping over this thing for about two nights I decided to get a new laptop. It wil shorten the time I have to get things done from 4 to 3 months and I need a laptop anyway. Regarding the Desteni material, it will allow me to watch and read a lot of stuff in bed so I don’t have to be on this chair the whole day (and sometimes night).
Practise, practise...
Time management is not second nature to me so in this point I’m now becoming aware that it’s not a question of speeding up and become scattered all over the place but to slow down, share myself and be here in every single breath. There is simply so much I can do. So for the moment The list is as follows:
- Getting my assignments in on time
- Getting steady and consistent with my daily writing
- Getting steady and consistent with blogging
- Getting steady and consistent with Self-forgiveness
- Getting familiar with vlogging
- Posting everything in the required places
- Getting familiar with the online spaces I have to be in
- Getting familiar with new software and a new way of working
- Identifying and Removing all the time-consuming ‘bullshit’ from daily live
- Catch up on the latest videos I missed from Bernard
- Do more blog readings
- Do the daily shit and get the fucking ‘moneypoint’ in place.
Substantial results come with substantial action
The Desteni train is moving and I am moving to, which is awesome. But one way ore another I have to slow down and be patient without falling of the train. Its called a process and as J said: “only the mind knows of quick fixes” and I will NOT allow this to fuck with me because in this reality to establish change will take TIME. So I’m getting organized, I will breath and I will walk until it stands.
Showing posts with label management. Show all posts
Showing posts with label management. Show all posts
4/30/2011
3/26/2011
My realms of self-delusion
Being successful
The moment you decide to do business you are going to fuck people and you are going to be fucked by people. It’s the unwritten law of trade and every businessman knows this. Jump in, get the money, get out without to much collateral damage. Which is of coarse impossible because you are screwing yourself to such an extend that you start to justify the shit you are doing. It simply becomes part of your personality where it hides itself as part of you. If you would actually see this you would probably kill yourself or end up doing charity work for the homeless to try and get rid of your guild. I have seen so many frustrated people around me in my field of work and it’s only the last few years that it start’s to become more or less clear what the fuck is happening. We are getting scared because we are starting to see where it’s going and it scares the crap out of us.
Intelligent Marketeers
We all knew and we all saw it coming because we where on the fucking battlefield all the time. We have been collectively drinking our drinks on Friday afternoons because we new we couldn’t keep a straight face towards each other in a normal conversation. We all felt guilty about what we where doing and at the same time we kept on going because of the lifestyle we created and had to support. It’s time, it’s done. It cannot be compounded any further. Marketing, sales, consumerism. We know because we are just that. The cycles, the concepts, the lingo.
Can I have a ‘happy life’ please
Look at the things we had to sell, the claims we made and the shows we put on. It’s done. The switch is flipped and the dark hole is forming as we speak. We all know this. It surrounds us we are in the middle of it and we feel the pull getting stronger. Everybody in marketing is either shit scared, drugged, distracted or cashing in on the chaos that surrounds all wars. We survived the 80's and 90's are in our forties and on the brink of being able to buy the toys and dreams for a presumably happy future after selling the company. Cash inn and fuck the world.
"Yes we did"
Oh so you didn’t work your as off? You don’t find yourself responsible for the fucking mess you helped to create. Oh, you didn’t know? Nobody told you? Well that’s a surprise! Nobody told me either. But here it is. I’m one of you! Spit on me, despise me and ignore me. I know you will because you are either shit scared, drugged, distracted or cashing in on the chaos that surrounds all wars. Make your pic. It’s all I’ve seen to be honest. I participated, tried to break out, fell back inn because I was already fucked beyond repair just like all the rest.
How I did it
I decided to quit art school in the third year and take a job offer that was ridiculously good for a 21 year old with no working experience. This was around 1992 and the industry was on the brink of going digital. Because I was one of the lucky bastards that got his hands on and behind a Mac early in school I was part of what was then the ‘elite’. I didn’t know then and I wasn’t really aware of it. It was just that people like me where apparently in high demand. They where scratched out of every corner and the people that did didn’t have a clue what to look for. So with a little bit of bluff and some good manuals you where in the game. It got me into the game so easily. I could work Photoshop 1.6, QuarkXPress and Illustrator 2.0. That was it. No real in depth knowledge about advertising. David Ogilwho?
Loading my program
I made fucking money. Finally able to support myself buy those records and play them on a decent pickup. Go on a holiday in an old car to the south of France. It was ‘heaven’. I was alive and I was fucked. From that moment on there was only one route. The route of money. I started to pay taxes and the worst thing happened. I got older, I got relationships and I got sentimental. So I was in the game, played the game, became the game. I learned to design on a decent level and got good at what I did. Up to the point I met the boarders of my DNA, my basic programming. Why did I stop to progress? Why didn’t I get rich? Why was it that everything seemed to be going in the same cycles? So the blaming game began. I blamed my parents, my education, the part of the country I lived inn. I blamed everything except myself. Up to the point I got into spirituality. I somehow saw that it had to come from myself. So I did that whole cycle as well. Yoga, meditation, guru’s, God, etc. Only to find ever more conflict between me the world and the fucking money that had to be made.
Ain’t it a classic
7 years ago I worked in an advertising agency. One of the last steady jobs I had and it finally happened. I walked out of the office one sunny afternoon and everything went black. I had my first ‘burnout’ or whatever name you want go give that state. I was in a relationship, bought a houseboat 2 years earlier and there in front of the office it all stopped. The whole thing came down. So I find myself on sick leave and after about 3 months I decide to go back to work. Nothing had changed really. I still felt completely lost. The work didn’t mean anything to me and I was a zombie on auto pilot. Zombies have no place in the system. They don’t make money so as expected I was one of the first that had to go when the economy dipped. It was said that my release was because of economic reasons. There was indeed less work in advertising and apparently my boss was able to present the figures to go with that. Personally I think my boss simply didn’t like my presence and attitude. You have to be likable in the system don’t forget that kids.
The ‘being’ is expandable
To make it easier to get rid of me he changed my job description when he applied for governmental approval to break up my contract. It’s easier to get rid of people if you have more of the same people occupying the same space. So in order to get the costs down it’s just a matter of writing a plan screw the laws that don’t work in the first place and get rid of what is considered human cattle. I don’t have any illusions here because there have been moments that I was on the other side of this coin that was flipped. Fuck or be fucked. There is the law and there is the way money is to be made and that’s how it fucking works. Please prove me otherwise.
The Harakiri equation
This was after more than 3 years of brutal labour and long hours in what was then an advertising agency in startup. I had a very modest salary in relation to the hours I made, no pension and no bonuses or anything else for that matter. Actually the only thing that was good about that job where the colleagues I worked with. The rest was stress and long hours. I’m not complaining it was me who took the job so there you go. About 3 years before this happened I moved from Arnhem to Enschede specifically for this job that was offered to me by the same guy that was firing me. To finish it off my girlfriend became pregnant. In other words I made her pregnant and she accepted and allowed herself to become pregnant.
So here we where. I’m unemployed, on financial compensation (welfare), we are going to have a baby, we live on a houseboat that is way to small for the 3 of us and has all my savings in it. That was the moment where I completely crashed. I was able to sell the boat. I got a mortgage on a small house, got the baby, we moved, but it was all done on adrenaline. We tried to provide a nest for this little girl and gave what was to give but it all ended in a broken relationship and 3 persons that where fucked. My former girlfriend has two work several jobs and is stuck in a live she never wanted for herself with a child she wants to give so much more. I’m in my process trying to get this thing of the ground as an independent consultant. I apply for part-time jobs that actually don’t exist in my line of work and I try to scratch enough money out of the system to pay my bills. The current money system is not working. If you are not born into a rich family or have the system work your way you are simply screwed. The current system robs people of everything that could be called a dignified life. And if you have children it becomes nearly impossible to move in any direction.
Choose life...
My daughter is a healthy intelligent girl that’s almost seven years old now. She’s my daughter and I’m her father. We are still part of the haves in this world. There is food on the table, education and enjoyment. But it’s all under enormous pressure and to be honest there isn’t a day in my life without money on my mind. No illusions about my life but I want my daughter and other children to live in a world where they can be who they really are as themselves instead of shackled slaves to this fucked up system. Last week she saw why she had to go to school. To learn to become a moneymaker because that’s what crown ups do and then she sees us wrestle and argue about it. We make money, consume and don’t have a fucking clue. It’s horrible, it’s a crime, it has to stop. That’s why I’m standing up for an equal money system. That’s why I want to apply myself and forgive myself, because I’m part of the shit that caused this fuck up to happen in the first place.
Stand up for ‘Equal-Money’
2/10/2011
Killing my own darlings
25 01 2011
Where my money comes from?
I wasn’t consistent in my daily writings the past few weeks. Been working hard in the matrix because the money point needed attention big time. Lot's of fears and I was drifting all over the place. April 2010 I started working on a rather big project. For a company that does 24 million euros in revenues a year. I mainly work on corporate identity projects. These projects take time which means I don’t have to be in involved in cold acquisition every month. I wouldn’t survive the horror of having to do that. Anyway It’s a lot of work meaning a lot of hours. Doing one big project a year brings in about 10-15.000,- on top off the small stuff. This is just enough for me to survive and pay the morgage.
Moving inside the wolfpack
Make no mistake, this is the corporate world. I love my work but 'that world' is a different story. The corporate world is 'fuckup' beyond believe. I’m independent since 2006 but earning money in this system is no fairy-tale. I mostly deal with people on general management level. This means I as an outsider always step into a group in which the rules are already laid out. So before I can do my thing I have to know the rules of the pack I’m getting myself into.
The pack from the inside out
Imagine people closely working together for more than eleven years. They have there own codes, lingo and group behaviour. I’m never sure if what I see is what I get. There are so many unwritten rules and secrets. So much psychology I’m not aware of and at the same time I’m responsible for fairly intensive periods of change within an organisation. In theory you could say it’s their own wish, they want to change and they need the expert advice. Getting this done is another story though. I’m dealing with people and confront them with change that wil affect their daily lives. These are the hard facts about working inside a pack. The pack is always more important then the individual. This relates back to the 'corporate identity', meaning that I will be confronted with different opinions, ego’s and resistance sooner or later.
The misconception of 'value'
A lot of corporate identity issues have to do with ‘perceived value or intrinsic value’. This means that a lot of what is communicated has nothing to do with measurable facts or 'real' value. Being in this process of confronting myself in self-honesty is the opposite of my daily work. It’s schizophrenic beyond words. Corporate communication is the business of professional liars and spin-doctors. All those companies claim human values and the whole spectrum of clichés that go with it. I’m on the inside observing from the war rooms of deception. The company I was working for employs 75 people that they hire out to large institutions in the Netherlands. Hospitals, schools, government and large companies. Big IT projects that need management. I soon found out that the management team knew exactly what they where inn for. In contrast to the CEO who was still completely in the dark
Being part of the illusion
After my first presentation about the strategy and proposed identity they where very impressed and they liked the strategy, visionary aspects and points off change I presented. I got my first uncensored feedback from people below the general management and the CEO. People that where in the field. The breathing living workforce that makes an organisation what it is. The physical reality of this brand. They addressed the pressure points spot on. That’s when I started to feel really uncomfortable. They asked exactly the same questions I asked the CEO 3 months earlier. He told me he was going to create an internal team of people that would take on the task of internalising the new strategies within the organisation. So to be confronted with the fact that this didn’t happen in the middle of a presentation in front of all employees had to be rather embarrassing for mister CEO. But what I observed blew my mind. He stepped forward and without hesitation and full of confidence started ranting about the future, sharing, personal targets etc. etc. He was completely in his own world as I watched in horror how 75 people slowly but steadily lost complete interest or got hypnotized by words without any substance.
Stuck in nothingness
I felt ashamed to be there. I felt like the people in the audience. Being fucked with a straight face. And there I am. Me, my, a company consultant next to this person who completely believes his own story. I can’t even blame him. I mean I’m just as mindfucked as he is, it’s just in a different place. But in that moment I somehow knew this was not going to work. It was not real and my strategy was built on real values that had to be in place otherwise this strategy would not work. Afterwards People on the board (asskissers to the CEO) spoke to me. I got compliments, taps on the back you know the drill. So I’m driving home in this snowblast not being able to really drive and my mind is everywhere. It’s not going to work. He does not understand or sees it. Doesn’t take himself serious enough and he’s leading the company not me. What can I do?
To do or not to do?
Nothing. There is absolutely nothing I can do. Making a stand would mean confronting this man. The outcome of telling men with ego’s the size of aircraft carriers the painful truth is shockingly simple. You get eliminated as a threat. Removed from their matrix and replaced by someone who doesn’t ask questions. I’m inside a part of the moneysystem generator. It’s so clear, shockingly clear. In these moments I really lose it. Horrible fear! Sickening vibes in my stomach. Not a clou of how I would be able to apply myself in this line of work in the future.
Not being directive enough
Third big project as an independent consultant and I more or less knew this one was not going to have an happy ending. I decided to just stick to it. I needed the money. So in that moment I kind of decided I would be prostituting myself. And If I was to be making money I would have to keep doing it. This would get to a point where money would meet my ethics and self-honesty and I would brake and loose it. To cut a long story short. Because of his complete lack of knowledge on the subject a lot of hours had to be added in what could have been a fairly straightforward process. So eventually I add up the hours over a two month period and this ads up to 227 billable hours. The CEO promised me he would straighten out the financial aspects with me before he went on a four week holiday with his family.
Consequences
I mailed him several times and a day before he would fly I got him on the telephone. He promised to have a proposal on my desk before he flew. He flew without the promised proposal. That’s where it cracked. So I wrote my first honest mail. In which I confronted him as a person that not stood to his own word. In other words I called him a liar. This is not done in business. I received a reply full off apologies and the next promise that he would have everything in order the moment he returned from his holiday. I was on him the same day he returned. Nothing. Fried air and bullshit-bingo excuses. In that moment I played out the only card I had wich was the very expensive corporate brochure that was going into production. Half of it was paid in advance so his MONEY was in there. I told him that legally I owned the creative and intellectual contents of that brochure (which is actually true but very hard and EXPENSIVE! to defend in court). So this worked. I also told him I wanted all the money he owed me at once. No more spread out payments or tax constructs. Pay the fucking money. I wrote a mail that was angry, personal and had all the raw facts of his behaviour in it. The money was transferred and I committed commercial suicide. That was yesterday. That’s the moneyfuck.
Tomorrow I will be Walking the streets again looking for another customer to screw. It sickens me. Tomorrow I’m going to apply for a job. Again!
Where my money comes from?
I wasn’t consistent in my daily writings the past few weeks. Been working hard in the matrix because the money point needed attention big time. Lot's of fears and I was drifting all over the place. April 2010 I started working on a rather big project. For a company that does 24 million euros in revenues a year. I mainly work on corporate identity projects. These projects take time which means I don’t have to be in involved in cold acquisition every month. I wouldn’t survive the horror of having to do that. Anyway It’s a lot of work meaning a lot of hours. Doing one big project a year brings in about 10-15.000,- on top off the small stuff. This is just enough for me to survive and pay the morgage.
Moving inside the wolfpack
Make no mistake, this is the corporate world. I love my work but 'that world' is a different story. The corporate world is 'fuckup' beyond believe. I’m independent since 2006 but earning money in this system is no fairy-tale. I mostly deal with people on general management level. This means I as an outsider always step into a group in which the rules are already laid out. So before I can do my thing I have to know the rules of the pack I’m getting myself into.
The pack from the inside out
Imagine people closely working together for more than eleven years. They have there own codes, lingo and group behaviour. I’m never sure if what I see is what I get. There are so many unwritten rules and secrets. So much psychology I’m not aware of and at the same time I’m responsible for fairly intensive periods of change within an organisation. In theory you could say it’s their own wish, they want to change and they need the expert advice. Getting this done is another story though. I’m dealing with people and confront them with change that wil affect their daily lives. These are the hard facts about working inside a pack. The pack is always more important then the individual. This relates back to the 'corporate identity', meaning that I will be confronted with different opinions, ego’s and resistance sooner or later.
The misconception of 'value'
A lot of corporate identity issues have to do with ‘perceived value or intrinsic value’. This means that a lot of what is communicated has nothing to do with measurable facts or 'real' value. Being in this process of confronting myself in self-honesty is the opposite of my daily work. It’s schizophrenic beyond words. Corporate communication is the business of professional liars and spin-doctors. All those companies claim human values and the whole spectrum of clichés that go with it. I’m on the inside observing from the war rooms of deception. The company I was working for employs 75 people that they hire out to large institutions in the Netherlands. Hospitals, schools, government and large companies. Big IT projects that need management. I soon found out that the management team knew exactly what they where inn for. In contrast to the CEO who was still completely in the dark
Being part of the illusion
After my first presentation about the strategy and proposed identity they where very impressed and they liked the strategy, visionary aspects and points off change I presented. I got my first uncensored feedback from people below the general management and the CEO. People that where in the field. The breathing living workforce that makes an organisation what it is. The physical reality of this brand. They addressed the pressure points spot on. That’s when I started to feel really uncomfortable. They asked exactly the same questions I asked the CEO 3 months earlier. He told me he was going to create an internal team of people that would take on the task of internalising the new strategies within the organisation. So to be confronted with the fact that this didn’t happen in the middle of a presentation in front of all employees had to be rather embarrassing for mister CEO. But what I observed blew my mind. He stepped forward and without hesitation and full of confidence started ranting about the future, sharing, personal targets etc. etc. He was completely in his own world as I watched in horror how 75 people slowly but steadily lost complete interest or got hypnotized by words without any substance.
Stuck in nothingness
I felt ashamed to be there. I felt like the people in the audience. Being fucked with a straight face. And there I am. Me, my, a company consultant next to this person who completely believes his own story. I can’t even blame him. I mean I’m just as mindfucked as he is, it’s just in a different place. But in that moment I somehow knew this was not going to work. It was not real and my strategy was built on real values that had to be in place otherwise this strategy would not work. Afterwards People on the board (asskissers to the CEO) spoke to me. I got compliments, taps on the back you know the drill. So I’m driving home in this snowblast not being able to really drive and my mind is everywhere. It’s not going to work. He does not understand or sees it. Doesn’t take himself serious enough and he’s leading the company not me. What can I do?
To do or not to do?
Nothing. There is absolutely nothing I can do. Making a stand would mean confronting this man. The outcome of telling men with ego’s the size of aircraft carriers the painful truth is shockingly simple. You get eliminated as a threat. Removed from their matrix and replaced by someone who doesn’t ask questions. I’m inside a part of the moneysystem generator. It’s so clear, shockingly clear. In these moments I really lose it. Horrible fear! Sickening vibes in my stomach. Not a clou of how I would be able to apply myself in this line of work in the future.
Not being directive enough
Third big project as an independent consultant and I more or less knew this one was not going to have an happy ending. I decided to just stick to it. I needed the money. So in that moment I kind of decided I would be prostituting myself. And If I was to be making money I would have to keep doing it. This would get to a point where money would meet my ethics and self-honesty and I would brake and loose it. To cut a long story short. Because of his complete lack of knowledge on the subject a lot of hours had to be added in what could have been a fairly straightforward process. So eventually I add up the hours over a two month period and this ads up to 227 billable hours. The CEO promised me he would straighten out the financial aspects with me before he went on a four week holiday with his family.
Consequences
I mailed him several times and a day before he would fly I got him on the telephone. He promised to have a proposal on my desk before he flew. He flew without the promised proposal. That’s where it cracked. So I wrote my first honest mail. In which I confronted him as a person that not stood to his own word. In other words I called him a liar. This is not done in business. I received a reply full off apologies and the next promise that he would have everything in order the moment he returned from his holiday. I was on him the same day he returned. Nothing. Fried air and bullshit-bingo excuses. In that moment I played out the only card I had wich was the very expensive corporate brochure that was going into production. Half of it was paid in advance so his MONEY was in there. I told him that legally I owned the creative and intellectual contents of that brochure (which is actually true but very hard and EXPENSIVE! to defend in court). So this worked. I also told him I wanted all the money he owed me at once. No more spread out payments or tax constructs. Pay the fucking money. I wrote a mail that was angry, personal and had all the raw facts of his behaviour in it. The money was transferred and I committed commercial suicide. That was yesterday. That’s the moneyfuck.
Tomorrow I will be Walking the streets again looking for another customer to screw. It sickens me. Tomorrow I’m going to apply for a job. Again!
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