Day-024-Getting rid of headaches

The spark of life faces death
The way I see myself behave in relation to feeling positive or negative and the way others perceive me within doing so. This is what popped up as I was reading a blog today. Also an image of a heavily mutulated man after an accident I saw on FB kept popping. I felt quite 'heavy' this week.

So i'm looking at myself and my behavior captured within a moment of time where someone else is experiencing me in a certain way according to my voice tonality and my general expression. How do I experience myself within this observation.

I see myself getting up in the morning day after day with a serious case of morning sickness although pretending/acting out that I am emotionally 'stable' and seemingly unaffected by what is going on in my life and the world in general at the moment. Suppressing the hell out of what I really feel.

Waking up from the unconscious into the conscious and into reality can be a nightmare. So within my life within all I have accepted and allowed to happen and all I did to create my reality I also created this believe that I am who I am when I wake up. But who the fuck is that person waking up? Is it me simply here? Apparently not because I see myself wake up and for all I know I could be on drugs. And I keep reminding myself that hormones are drugs so me waking up is like a drug cartel waking up.

So what are mood swings? What is morning sickness? What is a depression? When I wake up I notice aches and pains, tiredness, anxiety, resistance. That whole spectrum of emotions and feelings as I become aware and see the picture carousel that starts too spin. I hear myself sigh as I sit up straight and stretch myself. I moan as I get up and feel my knees that need bearing replacement. Before I have my first coffee I already did this whole play of emotional responses and the only one sharing these scenes is my dog who does not seem to have these reactions towards reality.

How long have I been taking this character experience of myself for granted as who I am in the morning waking up. I'm starting to look at what is here as me within those moments. It's rather funny too observe. Especially when waking up with someone else beside me.

And this I find fascinating because as the mind I will always walk into that shitload of thoughts, emotions and feelings that are by definition there to distract me from the now as I wake up in the morning. Reality and all that has to be done to stay on top of the game is the perfect distraction from the experience of myself within. Giving myself perfect 'reasons' to give in to the ever present seduction of stepping back within myself. Hide myself within whatever construct of depression, seclusion and self pity I can come up with. And within reality it's one of the most accepted ways of getting of the hook.

I'm sorry I'm not feeling it...

Feeling things seems to become the new religion in this world. Either you feel it or you don't. Sorry won't be there, not feeling it? You make me feel sad? Why? Don't know but you make me feel sad and so forth.

Ronald Reagan ones said that recession is when something bad happens to your neighbor. Depression is when it happens to you. Within my daily reality I'm constantly exposed too and participating within these patterns and play outs. Although I see realize and understand that I'm not my depressions I'm still the creator of them within my participation and reactions towards my daily reality in the same way I create the 'look at it from the bright site motherfucker' and everything in between.

It's a strange and sometimes bitter experience to walk with myself within this world that is a reflection of me. How can I not be affected by the sheer fuckup I find myself in? So from one perspective there is nothing to be positive about and from the other perspective there is nothing to be negative about. Whatever way one look at it, what remains is me here observing myself within and as these expressions and morning sickness being one of the most interesting ones.

The moment I start interacting with other people it becomes clear. I'm balancing my scales. Within the participation with other people the subtle differences on the '+-' scale between us start to show. They show me how others perceive me and expect me to behave as a fellow human being. Within that I have heard remarks like: You look tired are you OK? You sound sad is something wrong? Where is that spark of life within you? Cheer up? These points seem to relate to some sort of invisible scale of reference.

Tired versus energetic
Sad versus happy
Spark of life versus the dark hole of death
Cheer up versus talked down

What I find fascinating is that invisible scale we created. A scale of reference that's part of the propaganda system of the power principle that bombards us with imagery of sex, love, happiness and success within this world. Where I permanently measure my state of happiness in relation to the scale.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge everything I do to an invisible scale

More to come

Day-009-Can I have some privacy?

At home realizing that although I'm alone I'm also part of a group and within that I see myself in my kitchen alone 'wanting/claiming/having my privacy'. I'm walking trough the house naked wondering what I would do if I would not be alone right now?

Would I behave differently? Would I take on a different personality. From that perspective what is 'privacy' more than claiming a space for myself away/separated from 'the rest'? An exclusive form of separation by creating the luxury article of privacy for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act like a junkie thinking I can escape the horrors of reality by having a moment for myself, a moment of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there is no escape from reality within and as privacy, seeing realizing and understanding that there is no privacy within birth, illness and death thus my privacy is my participation within and projection of me unto this world as the creator of privacy as separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by living privacy I separate myself from the rest as a private not sharing myself my emotions, feelings, insights and realizations thus excluding/separating myself from the rest by wanting more than others as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize see and understand that when I claim/occupy a (private) space I take space instead of give space.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings of shame, frustration, anger and guilt for not living the realization that keeping something for myself as privacy is steeling from the rest and within that context I see I have never given as I would have liked to receive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself when others got something and I did not, realizing and understanding that I have never given the way I would have liked to receive because I always wanted my own private part within and as victory, to 'take' the win no matter what by manipulating everything and everyone within and as my kingdom of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on private personalities within and as privacy realizing seeing and understanding that by doing so I allow myself to create multiple separated personalities as different levels of privacy I project unto or believe to exist within this world and by doing so create points of separation between myself and reality as these private personalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing privacy to exist within and as me, becoming the dictator of my own privacy as the creator of separation within this world as the gap between those that can build walls to separate themselves from those unable to escape the horrors of daily reality within this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have the right to privacy as the right to not be disturbed, not seeing realizing and understanding that it is me as my mind that is wanting the exclusive right to manipulate me within the seclusion of my privacy, seeing and understanding that within this point 'my' privacy becomes my own bribery.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that within the point of privacy I have the right to do what I want when I want it, seeing realizing and understanding that what I allow to happen is a full on ego-trip at the cost of others where I choose to replace reality with 'my privacy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that the concept of privacy is an addiction to self interest where I choose to distract myself and avoid the rawness of me within and as the creator of privacy as separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that no matter how high I build the walls of privacy around me, the certainty of reality will always be on the other side showing me how I separated myself within and as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape reality and seclude myself within and as privacy where I claim the right for me to see only as I want at the cost of all others. Lost within an ego-trip where I can see and do all things my way.

I commit myself to correct myself within these moments of self defeat and stop whining about my right to privacy seeing, realizing and understanding that it's me wanting to close my eyes and not take responsibility for what I have created in this world through participating within privacy.

I commit myself to investigate, identify, expose within and as myself the constructs of privacy where I accept and allow myself to go private, seeing realizing and understanding that through exposing my points of privacy I expose within me the points of not taking self responsibility for the fact I am part of a group.

Little earthquakes

Focus on the primaries 
Last week my Aging Powerbook G4 finally said goodbye as I was watching a DVD with my daughter. No drama, it was like a short last breath and after 6 faithful years the little white light dimmed not to shine again. Rather good for a laptop I must say. This confronted me with a bit of a problem because I’m behind on my assignments, watching videos, reading blogs. I also got an invitation to join the PF which confronted me with the fact that I'm not as 'digital' as I thought I was. I get kind a lost in all the protocols and information. I'm managing much 'better' than before though and I think it has a lot to do with stopping weed completely.

The road ahead
Looking at the things I needed to do it kind of overwhelmed me. The cost-raise for the DIP coarse confronted me with some anxiety as well. This point pushes me to either get a ‘good’ steady job or sponsorship. After sleeping over this thing for about two nights I decided to get a new laptop. It wil shorten the time I have to get things done from 4 to 3 months and I need a laptop anyway. Regarding the Desteni material, it will allow me to watch and read a lot of stuff in bed so I don’t have to be on this chair the whole day (and sometimes night).

Practise, practise...
Time management is not second nature to me so in this point I’m now becoming aware that it’s not a question of speeding up and become scattered all over the place but to slow down, share myself and be here in every single breath. There is simply so much I can do. So for the moment The list is as follows:

- Getting my assignments in on time
- Getting steady and consistent with my daily writing
- Getting steady and consistent with blogging
- Getting steady and consistent with Self-forgiveness
- Getting familiar with vlogging
- Posting everything in the required places
- Getting familiar with the online spaces I have to be in
- Getting familiar with new software and a new way of working
- Identifying and Removing all the time-consuming ‘bullshit’ from daily live
- Catch up on the latest videos I missed from Bernard
- Do more blog readings
- Do the daily shit and get the fucking ‘moneypoint’ in place.

Substantial results come with substantial action
The Desteni train is moving and I am moving to, which is awesome. But one way ore another I have to slow down and be patient without falling of the train. Its called a process and as J said: “only the mind knows of quick fixes” and I will NOT allow this to fuck with me because in this reality to establish change will take TIME. So I’m getting organized, I will breath and I will walk until it stands.

Bleeding the system

04 03 2011

Being infected
The alarm bel woke me up. I was in the middle of a dream. I was in a hospital and at the same time I had a new place a new house. My new place didn’t have floors anymore so everything was at ground level. The rooms had walls of glass. The hospital and this house kind of merged together. The house was like in the hospital. I was in the hospital with only 2 or 3 other people. They might have been nurses or doctors but I gave them little attention. The hallways where kind of dark but I could see daylight seeping through some parts of the building. I was there because something or things literally crawled under my skin.

Let it bleed
If I looked at my hands I could see them moving, causing my skin to expand. Small entities the size of match-heads moving rapidly trough the vanes in my body. I felt no fear I just looked at it and decided to open a blood-vessel to see what they where. So I did. I did it with a fingernail and it was very easy. The bleeding was extensive so I removed myself from the room where the doctors where. As I was walking trough the abandoned hospital I left a trail of blood on the floor. Somehow I did this on purpose. Let my arm hang down to support the bleeding. Looking at my other arm I could see no more entities moving. There was absolutely no emotion but the bleeding caused a big mess. There where no sounds just the blood dripping on the floor. I new somebody would have to clean it up again so I decided to catch the blood in a T-shirt instead of letting it run out on the floor.

Being Mike Lammers
Next moment I’m in my new house with one of the doctors looking for something and at the same time explaining why it is that my house has see trough walls. I don’t remember the explanation though. If this would have been a movie it would probably be categorized as a psychological horror movie. I had no fear in this dream, no emotions. I was merely observing and acting as an actor would. That’s it.

As I woke up the first thing I noticed was that my body was actually hurting allover with my neck, arms and shoulders in particular. A slight headache and dazed. Like I would have been if I would have been smoking weed the night before. First thing I wanted to do is switch of the alarm clock and sleep for the rest of the day. Even now after a good cup of coffee I could go to bed and be asleep within five minutes.

Reality is a hospital
The hospital is the outside world. The glass house is me. Although I can look trough the walls, I’m still not able to walk trough them. Looking trough doesn’t mean that everything is clear. There are reflections and images are warped as the light passes trough the class. I noticed that the house only had my essentials in it. That’s something that’s on my mind as well lately. Stripping my life down to it’s essentials. This is also the big point of conflict. What is essential?

I remember going on a holiday to France when I was about 18 years old. I camped out in the middle of nowhere for about a week. It surprised me how little you need when nature is supportive. There was a little river that supplied drinking water from the mountains and if I had my daily calories everything would be perfect. I was there and that was it. No television, radio, books. There, breathing and being in the company of plants and animals. Perfect.

But that’s not reality is it? No, reality is dealing with me, my glass house. Walls of glass. Should I take them down as well? And than there is the dark hospital. Where the hardware is treated. This is where the medicine comes from. Medicine right. This is where I’m poisoned with the drugs of reality. This is where I have to get my money medicine. It comes from a dark hospital with only a couple of nurses and doctors. They are not there to make me healthy. They represent the few clients I have supplying me with the essential money-medicine I need to survive the hospital. It’s a business deal just like a real hospital. As long as they make money of me I’m allowed to stay inn. The moment my physical body starts supporting me they replace me with another patient to do business with. It’s the antibiotics equation isn’t it.

Reality doesn't change
I think this sums it up. Me myself and my work. The process, my house and the outside world. A dark hospital where I get the little medicine to survive in the physical reality that’s called society, leaving a trail of blood as I go along. Bleeding the system. Getting rid of entities via the physical body because that’s the only thing I can trust.

And right at this moment my overweight neighbours start fucking. The noise they make seeping trough the walls is a great sound track to the horror movie I call ‘daily life’.

Time / resistance

03 03 2011

Stuff

I find moving myself through resistance very hard to do. Two weeks ago I applied for a job at an advertising agency about 18 km from where I live. I’m looking for a steady job for quite a while now. Running my own business and everything that comes with it simply consumes to much time. And because my income isn’t steady there is always the fear of money. I’m alone so everything that needs to be done has to be done by me. Paperwork, the house, the car, shopping, cleaning, laundry, acquisition, networking, website, etc etc. 

Running Behind

I recently updated the software I work with. These are my tools. The better I understand how they work the more effective I am in producing my work efficiently. I used to invest rather a lot of time keeping up with the developments. The more I can do myself means less external costs. I’m lacking behind big time. It’s actually starting to slow me down. I have to look for stuff in manuals and menu's while I’m working.  At the same time the clock is ticking and I have to get shit done.

Parenting and planning

On top of that I deal with being a parent mostly every weekend. Picking up my daughter on Friday between 12:00-14:00 and returning her to school the next Monday around 08:00 in Germany. I can hardly get any work done during the weekend. I might watch some videos in the evening or read through the material but I can’t push myself to get out of bed and wright an assignment for example. A lot of resistance. This whole time versus money issue is so fucked up. It’s like there is no freedom at all. Every minute has to be planned and time managed or the whole thing falls apart. That’s the main reason I applied for a steady job. 

WTF

At the moment I find it undo able to get everything done to the minimum standards and investing a responsible amount of time into my Introduction course at the same time. Around 21.00 I’m mostly done. Cant really concentrate. After a day like today where I was really submerged in working out design issues for a client I notice this huge barrier when I switch over to the Desteni material. I start reading and I notice that I can’t get it into my head. And I know it has to become me. Not second nature but first nature. I don’t see myself doing this if my life stays organized like this and at the same time I don’t have a clue on how to organize it otherwise.

Today I got the phone call from the owner of the agency. And he told me he was very sorry but he just couldn’t fit me into a 4 day work schedule. He really needed someone that would be there at least 40 hours. In advertising this means at leat 50 to 55 hours a week. Not including drive time. It’s just impossible. The thing I keep running into is always the same. No option to work part-time. It’s either a shitty job that doesn’t bring enough money or working my ass off and come home wrecked. That’s when the other list has to be done. I know that there are people who do this. How?

When and how

It’s so abstract to me. it’s like that right now. I’m simply tired and want to lay down. Maybe watch a few videos in the videos section on the Desteni site but that’s it. Diving into the DIP, analysing sentences, interpreting words in english and than writing it out. No thanks. My head refuses completely. This is not working. I assumed that an hour a day as was indicated would be enough to stay on track. But I can’t get it done. It all takes way more time than I expected.

Really have to breath and relax now. Been behind this computer from 08.15 this morning with hardly no breaks. I want to lie down now and I’m going to lie down now. Today is done.

For now

28 02 2011
So how am I doing? To be honest, things don’t seem to be going so well. Right at this moment I notice a lot of resistance inside because of the ‘english’ I have to wright. But even if I had to do this in dutch it would probably be the same. I’m kind of all over the place.

Really don’t know where to start and how to make this a coherent story. So if this goes from z to a, I’m sorry in advance. Maybe it’s best to just sum up some keypoints from the last weeks.

- Applied for a steady job
- Went to the kinesiologist (did muscle communication)
- Got extremely restless afterwards
- Went to the chiropractor the next day to realign my vertebrae
- Got extremely tired and still am
- Conflict between me and my parents regarding the way I raise my daughter
- Settled a money argument with a client (75% is paid)
- Got completely possessed by thoughts, fears and emotions
- Lot’s of resistance regarding my process
- Very Depressed
- My father had an heart attack

Rest-less
So business wise I put an end to a very nervous period. This had to do with money off coarse. I finally settled a financial disagreement with a client. This calmed my nerves a little. Just as I planned to take my foot of the gas and calm myself down a little, a new and an existing client called. Both had work that had to be done fast. On top of this I visited a kinesiologist or whatever it’s called in English and I had my first consultation. Also my back had shifted the week before so my back wasn’t straight. A lot of old stuff was addressed through muscle communication. It was very interesting but I got extremely nervous and a lot of anxiety came up afterwards. It was a nervous state that was very hard to bare on top of my usual restlessness. I kind of completely locked into these typical personality patterns I sort of define as ‘my old self’. I got extremely disappointed with myself and I ignored this. The next day I went to the chiropractor to have my back straightened. Immediately afterwards I had an appointment with this new client. As I got home a got extremely tired. It was overwhelming and I completely lost track of myself. Couldn’t think straight and at the same time I couldn’t sleep because of the restlessness. Breathing didn’t help and most of the time I simply forgot to breath.

The following week I got a phone call from my mother around 07:30. My father just had an heart attack and was transported to the hospital in an ambulance. My mother was very sick so she couldn’t join. I went over to see her and immediately thereafter went to the hospital to see how bad it was. By this time I kind of went into a trance state. I was so tired. Everything was kind of blurry, suppressed, hollow, empty. It was like every definition inside of me went into this black hole. I felt completely empty and tired. I could have been shot right there. I felt nothing. I ran on a few thoughts and a simple list. Go to the hospital, see how he’s doing, go back to mom and tell her. Get to work. Check email, etc. Nothingness. Just sheer nothingness.

Mommy I failed
I started working on my DIP assignment. But it was like it wasn’t me that was reading the material and working trough the words. Couldn’t get my head straight. Lost. Completely lost myself. I failed my assignment. Which was to be expected but the feelings of inferiority combined with clouds of superego that produced lighting bolts of fear and anxiety came anyway. Couldn’t stop it and I felt completely fucked. I.o.w. I fucked myself.

Addiction points
I again stopped smoking weed around the 13th of january for the second time. I’m committed to stand this time. This probably plays a major part in what I am observing and experiencing right now. Observing myself over the past few weeks I think ‘cold turkey’ would be the best description. I can only say yes to the fact that I indeed am a robot. It feels like fighting a factory of machines inside myself. They don’t get tired but I do. It’s sheer horror and my body feels like a bomb went off inside. This is all new to me and at times it scares the crap out of me. I just crawl into bed and try to sleep. Never felt so fucked in my entire life. Wondering how the hell I’m going to produce something substantial wen it comes to work. I mean this shit has to be done, it pays the fucking rent.

So I made this my priority list.

- Breathing
- Work and money
- Timemanagement
- My daughter
- DIP
- Family

My shoulders are beginning to hurt again. Going to stop. Keep you posted.