For now

28 02 2011
So how am I doing? To be honest, things don’t seem to be going so well. Right at this moment I notice a lot of resistance inside because of the ‘english’ I have to wright. But even if I had to do this in dutch it would probably be the same. I’m kind of all over the place.

Really don’t know where to start and how to make this a coherent story. So if this goes from z to a, I’m sorry in advance. Maybe it’s best to just sum up some keypoints from the last weeks.

- Applied for a steady job
- Went to the kinesiologist (did muscle communication)
- Got extremely restless afterwards
- Went to the chiropractor the next day to realign my vertebrae
- Got extremely tired and still am
- Conflict between me and my parents regarding the way I raise my daughter
- Settled a money argument with a client (75% is paid)
- Got completely possessed by thoughts, fears and emotions
- Lot’s of resistance regarding my process
- Very Depressed
- My father had an heart attack

Rest-less
So business wise I put an end to a very nervous period. This had to do with money off coarse. I finally settled a financial disagreement with a client. This calmed my nerves a little. Just as I planned to take my foot of the gas and calm myself down a little, a new and an existing client called. Both had work that had to be done fast. On top of this I visited a kinesiologist or whatever it’s called in English and I had my first consultation. Also my back had shifted the week before so my back wasn’t straight. A lot of old stuff was addressed through muscle communication. It was very interesting but I got extremely nervous and a lot of anxiety came up afterwards. It was a nervous state that was very hard to bare on top of my usual restlessness. I kind of completely locked into these typical personality patterns I sort of define as ‘my old self’. I got extremely disappointed with myself and I ignored this. The next day I went to the chiropractor to have my back straightened. Immediately afterwards I had an appointment with this new client. As I got home a got extremely tired. It was overwhelming and I completely lost track of myself. Couldn’t think straight and at the same time I couldn’t sleep because of the restlessness. Breathing didn’t help and most of the time I simply forgot to breath.

The following week I got a phone call from my mother around 07:30. My father just had an heart attack and was transported to the hospital in an ambulance. My mother was very sick so she couldn’t join. I went over to see her and immediately thereafter went to the hospital to see how bad it was. By this time I kind of went into a trance state. I was so tired. Everything was kind of blurry, suppressed, hollow, empty. It was like every definition inside of me went into this black hole. I felt completely empty and tired. I could have been shot right there. I felt nothing. I ran on a few thoughts and a simple list. Go to the hospital, see how he’s doing, go back to mom and tell her. Get to work. Check email, etc. Nothingness. Just sheer nothingness.

Mommy I failed
I started working on my DIP assignment. But it was like it wasn’t me that was reading the material and working trough the words. Couldn’t get my head straight. Lost. Completely lost myself. I failed my assignment. Which was to be expected but the feelings of inferiority combined with clouds of superego that produced lighting bolts of fear and anxiety came anyway. Couldn’t stop it and I felt completely fucked. I.o.w. I fucked myself.

Addiction points
I again stopped smoking weed around the 13th of january for the second time. I’m committed to stand this time. This probably plays a major part in what I am observing and experiencing right now. Observing myself over the past few weeks I think ‘cold turkey’ would be the best description. I can only say yes to the fact that I indeed am a robot. It feels like fighting a factory of machines inside myself. They don’t get tired but I do. It’s sheer horror and my body feels like a bomb went off inside. This is all new to me and at times it scares the crap out of me. I just crawl into bed and try to sleep. Never felt so fucked in my entire life. Wondering how the hell I’m going to produce something substantial wen it comes to work. I mean this shit has to be done, it pays the fucking rent.

So I made this my priority list.

- Breathing
- Work and money
- Timemanagement
- My daughter
- DIP
- Family

My shoulders are beginning to hurt again. Going to stop. Keep you posted.