In respons to mail from A

A.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

- ‘BackChat’ - yes

- not moving - no

- experiencing yourself differently – yes

- self-doubt as self-sabotage - at times

- self-correction - not in every moment

- apply ourselves within the material - find this very hard in daily reality

- document our day to day experiences - often lost for words and also discipline

- doubting whether you should be in the DesteniIProcess - no

- accepted role(s) - yes, but I’m aware and acting on them

- you don’t feel you are effectively moving - yes

- not willing to change - yes and no

- survival linked to ego, money or a point of self-acceptance - yes, interesting point

A.

If you do not yet see Self within this ‘Equality Equation’ then your self-forgiveness is useless. So I suggest the following: Make a list of all the points you have been working on over the last few months. Then next to each point you write down where within the point have you not been able to stop and self forgive.

So what comes up for me right now?

 - work/money

Work has to be done first before all else. Money doesn’t fall from the sky. It enables me to do what I’m doing in the first place. Responsibility towards the minimum quality of the work and satisfaction of my clients nr. 1 priority.

- addiction

stopped weed again around the 13.th of january for the second time(loop). Committed to stand this time. Hard. Very hard. Physical reaction. Pain in arms, shoulders, back. Very unpleasant. Don’t know if it’s solely because of weed or that other points/forces are joining in at the moment. The pains do not fade and don’t go away. Still standing, still committed. But very hard at times. Also sadness and grief. I don’t think it’s self pity. It’s more like realising the time I wasted and the harm I caused in the process. So, ok self pitty after all. 

- patience

I think I want to do to much too fast. It’s a remark I got from a lot people in the past. Slow down man, relax. Rome wasn’t built in a day, etc. Also this ‘Bart Simpson’ syndrome of hyperactivity. Slow the fuck down. I’m sure there are people who get more done in a day. I’m however not those people. I’m me battling my own demons and I’m having a fucking hard time doing so (self pitty?). No I’m actually having a very hard time coping with my own shit here. I’m waltzing on a very thin line. I’m sure in time I might look back on my own stupidity and have a good laugh about this period. At the moment it is what it is. As ‘A’ wrote “it took her months of writing” to get where she is. Well I’m certainly not there yet. So got a lot of writing and self forgiveness ahead of me. 

Trying to fit everything into my life right now is hard enough as it is. Off coarse there are many points that I run into everyday that need immediate attention. I’m simply not able to give this to myself yet. So I take notice and start over. Next step is to document these events so they stick with me. So at the end of the day I can apply self forgiveness more effectively because the point is clearly written down or spoken into a memo recorder. This point could definitively be improved with a bit more discipline in combination with writing everyday. This is closely related to the point of ‘discipline’.

- ego/manifesting myself/talking/preaching

I notice that I lose myself when I’m with family. I don’t see my ‘friends’ that much. I’m pretty much on my own which is a point to look into as well. I feel very lonely and hollow at times. At the same time this surprises me because I never had problems with being alone in the past or as a child. On the other hand this could be my imagination because there where always ‘friends’ around. The main difference however is realizing that I’m alone in the first place. “there is only me”. One of my most prominent patterns was/is ‘superego’ so it’s no surprise that taking the sole responsibility for myself is not the easiest thing I ever did and that there is a big demon present that is not leaving without a fight (or two). OMG this is such a huge point. It’s present the moment I have to be social especially with family. People who are willing to accept so much more abuse from me than the average person. So I’m having troubles here. It’s clear to me I see it. What do I do? Stop visiting? Reduce visits? I’m loosing myself in those moments with people that are supposedly close to me. At the same time I’m able to observe what I’m doing. It’s a horror show. Not that it’s going wrong all the time. There is also progress being made. I mean I’m being aware of what I’m doing a lot of the time and that’s a ‘blessing’ in itself. I have to beware not to feed my ego though. Such a ‘blessing’ is not a compliment. It’s a point of awareness, something to write about and have a look at.

- discipline

I know it’s dangerous to compare myself to myself in the past. If I knew another way of checking my progress I would do so. I use my past as a box of reference. How did I do-what do I do. Writing as I do now helps me to kind of create a third perspective in words as I will read them back wen they are posted. Yes I should wright everyday. Yes I gave into resistance and didn’t wright under the excuse of fatigue. Yes I gave in to bad temper, self pity and laziness. No more. That’s why discipline is on the list as a point to work on in every moment, every breath. I will probably fall a million times. I will also get up again and will myself on this point. My main concern is the point as written above. Wright everyday! Regardless of my state of mind or the quality of my writings. Just fucking wright. Even if it’s just flag points or keywords wright goddamn it. I will wright... 

Continue tomorrow.