Day-017-Is there something in it for me?

For the last few months I have been working freelance out of town a few kilometers instead of from home. This makes it a bit problematic for my dog who has to stay home alone. I could take her to work but it's far from Ideal because she would have to be outside on a leash all day. So my parents stepped in and said they where okay with having the dog over at their place during the day. Our family had dogs as long as I can remember so my parents are more than comfortable around dogs. My mother has a slight problem with her hips so my father is the one who takes the dog for a little stroll around lunch.

The dog loves to stay at my parents I can tell because she communicates it as soon as she knows we are heading for my parents house. One could say the dog and my parents 'love' each other.

Now I'm having a friend over from Amsterdam and we decided it might be a good Idea to take a road trip up to amsterdam to look at this friends new house that was just finished. So I need someone to take care of the dog. My brother is on holiday so I see myself calling my parents to ask if it's possible to take care of my dog for a night. My dad picks up the phone and tells me it's not a problem.

When I arrive to drop of my dog I start small talking with my dad who's finishing up a paint job. Then my mother comes into the room. Her face frowned, and she looks irritated. So there must be something on her mind. And yes within a few sentences she more or less shares that she is not ok with the dog staying. I say "ok" only problem is that I already got the 'go' ahead from dad and I'm about ten minutes from leaving for Amsterdam. So I ask about the problem/friction between her and my dad.

So she starts making her point(s) and within this starts ranting as I have heard her rant a thousand times before. That stuff in my life is not her responsibility and that she's ok with the dog staying during the week but not in the weekends, only in emergency's and so forth. Her frustration and anger starts seeping trough and the stream of information becomes ever more emotional/energized. I can feel the surge within myself as well so I realize I have to stop my participation within this and take corrective action.

First of I need to clarify, so I ask If the deal is of and if I should I make other arrangements? I'm not getting a straight answer, instead I get more ranting. I listen a bit more take a breath and ask again; "Should I make other arrangements?" Apparently it irritates her that I'm not participating within the argument and words spoken and that I'm not as reactive as I would normally be. Instead I stick to the binary equation of dog stay–dog go. So again I state that I want to take action and make other arrangements if she's not ok with the situation. Still no answer. I notice that she's getting even more frustrated by me not participating within the argument. Eventually she says; "OK but it's only for one night".

 -?-

A question I should have asked myself a long time ago. Why the fuzz? Why the energy? Why now? Why here? Why me? Why participate? Why this person? Why this point? Why this specific point? Why make it worse?

Walking home I ponder on what just happened. And looking back the 'only for one night' statement stands out. The question is about one night so why is the word 'only' used.

– 'Only'–

Or 'only' because it's you? Or 'only' this once? Onelie. Interesting. Looking at myself when I use this 'only' as in a one lie construction is stating that I'm making an exception. It's a hidden I ow you you ow me. It's a manipulation pattern that binds people within relationships within the point of mutual fuckness. It's a worm on a hook. A hidden agenda.  There is a pattern behind the way the word is used and it has something to do with 'gaining'. So what's the pattern and what is there to 'gain'?

I see that it's all about relationships and emotions being released. I'm not some guy on the street, I'm the son of the mother that has raised me and my brother and is married to my father for over forty years. A lot of shit happens in forty years believe me. So the dog is merely the trigger. It could have been anything.

Obviously something is suppressed. It's what people do especially in relationships and particular within family. You take it in, you bare the load. You stick to it through thick and thin. You take shit you wouldn't take from a stranger and sacrifice what you have untill… Yes untill what? Untill you realize you have been fucking working your ass of your whole life. Went through the pain of carrying two babies watched as they tried to find their way in a world you don't understand yourself and neither do they. You see your parents and family get old and sick and die. You see the world change into something that departs from everything you as a child believed in. You take on the role of being there for everyone. To be the stability point becoming ever more unstable yourself because all this energy is eating away at you literally. Then your husband get's his first stroke and you realize some day in the not to distant future me and my children will be all that's left. And one of them is this fucker with a dog and an opinion and it's my son. What the fuck?

Placing myself in my mothers shoes seeing myself having children that grow up in world that changed from a postwar fairytale into a consumer megapolis with internet and facebook friends. Is far from coronation street and the sturdy family structures my parents come from. Present reality with Television-feeds coming straight from the tips of precision bombs dropped from drones guided by youngster that don't know the difference between their playstation and workstation. It's hard for me to get my head around this shit let alone the generation my parents belong to.

The future as in now is not at all playing out like the cosy family weekends we had gathering berries in my grandmothers garden. I grew up in a family structure that dictated who, what, where and when very clearly. What I see in people including myself is a point where one gives up and says; "leave me alone, I had enough". Problem is, then what? I cannot simply stop what I'm doing. I created this whole outflow of events including my children. What the fuck! Yes what the fuck! Family and friends and the extend of brainwashing that takes place when we interact and subtly exchange and upload these morality programs as we develop our relationships. Eventually I will realize that I fucked it all up because that is exactly what I was supposed to do and now I'm to ashamed to admit it. In fact everybody is!

It's quite a fuckup and seeing myself participating and reacting within this throughout my life does not paint the picture any prettier. It's time to get to the raw experience of myself and what it means to be part of society within a family and the effects I have on the world around me within every breath. Every gesture, tonality, word I used to create the world around me and the effect I have on other beings as I constantly project and manipulate myself from the starting point of self interest.

You can stay up late ('only') if you help me do the dishes tonight.

See, where can we go from there? Let's start removing the blindfold from what is called the cornerstone of society and see the devastation it has brought upon humanity. No place keeps us hidden from the raw experience of ourselves better than a well oiled family structure and teachers coming from the same place. I will myself to embrace my mother and father as they where born from the ones that went before. I realize that the children that come will only have a chance If I create that chance for them by changing myself.

To be continued.

Day-010-Who am I within the word 'intelligent'

What is intelligent? Does intelligence make me better, more valuable, more interesting? Does intelligence bring me down do earth? Does intelligence influence my behavior? Is intelligence a religion. Does it bring me closer to the truth? When am I dumb or intelligent? When I accumulate lots of 'bits' of knowledge and information does that make me intelligent? Can I hide behind the pretence this world is to complex for me to understand so I can remain separated and let separation exist?

intelligent |inˈtelijənt|
adjective
having or showing intelligence, esp. of a high level: Annabelle is intelligent and hardworking 
| an intelligent guess.


• (of a device, machine, or building) able to vary its state or action in response to varying situations, varying requirements, and past experience.


• (esp. of a computer terminal) incorporating a microprocessor and having its own processing capability. Often contrasted with dumb.


DERIVATIVES
intelligently adverb


ORIGIN 
early 16th cent.: from Latin intelligent- ‘understanding,’ from the verb intelligere, variant of intellegere ‘understand,’ from inter ‘between’ + legere ‘choose.’

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask the question, who am I within the word intelligence?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word intelligent as positive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word dumb as negative

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my (artificial) intelligence as the automaton as the mind to calculate solely to manipulate the world around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I can use my intellect as the ability to write myself out in order to reflect upon my words as the expression of who I am within the word intelligent and allow myself to see common sense points within my reality where I misguide and manipulate myself through knowledge and information as intelligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become impressed, humbled, jealous and possessed hearing people speak with 'intelligence' and intelligent 'vocabulary' assuming that because people speak with authority they have authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word intelligent as good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word dumb as bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite the word intelligent within and as the aspect of being successful in this world, not seeing, realizing and understanding that projecting the word intelligence as spitefulness towards success meant separating myself from success

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect making money and becoming rich and independent to intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see intelligence within others as a threat and within that allowed myself to react energetically within and as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as dumb because I accepted and allowed myself to believe intelligence has something to do with being smart or having 'special' abilities, seeing realizing and understanding that within the system passing tests is about giving the right answers and showing desirable behavior not about understanding and doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within the energetic charge of playing mind games with so called intelligent beings within the elitist point of feeling superior within a group, seeing realizing and understanding that this very act is separating myself from all as an elitist as knowledge and information as intelligence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intelligence as strategic information used in order to win personal wars instead of using common sense within and as intelligence to see, realize and understand what I have to do and when to do it to get things done within the best interest of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to from a standpoint of superiority classify myself as an intelligent and complex person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word intelligent to complexity allowing myself to develop a pattern of always making things unnecessary complex and blurry thus wasting time and not giving myself the opportunity/chance to see and thus act within and as common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to classify myself as a complex person because others classified me as complex thus allowing myself to exist within and as the complex person thus allowing myself to judge others as simple.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe complexity exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live intelligence as gathering information creating a self defined user manual within my mind to deal with existence not seeing, realizing and understanding that existence as a whole is a pre programmed system based on the same knowledge and information available as lived by the ones before me and within that I realize that knowledge and information is the veil of reality as the mind that I have used in order to not have to face the reality of me as the very creator of such knowledge and information as 'intellect' to make myself be 'more' than the reality that is here, as myself, as the physical. Thus I commit myself to write out who I am as knowledge and information so that I ensure that I go self-forgiving the relationships formed with knowledge and information as 'who I am' and establish myself as the directive principle in every moment, instead of acting out of past patterns of knowledge and information that do not represent who I am here as the moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I'm limited in awareness as knowledge and information and thus have to question everything that comes up in my mind as intelligence and test this within the equation of equality in order to make sure my thoughts become aligned with what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that intelligence like any other 'program' has no value in itself other than computational power and that it is up to me the user of the computer to determine how to use that 'power'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have valued knowledge and information more than my physical health thus accepting and allowing myself to drain my flesh of the life there is as me as flesh

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within communication use intelligence as knowledge and information to manipulate other beings into a state of confusion by getting under their skin

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within intellectual masturbation/entertainment producing strings of knowledge and information not realizing that what I'm doing is without any substance or practical application within this physical reality thus a complete waste of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that intelligent means 'to understand' and that within the context of understanding I never understood who 'I' was within 'who I am' as knowledge and information and within that I see realize and understand that there is nothing original within my expression as knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be/become more like other people as knowledge and information not seeing realizing and understanding that 'intelligence' at this points becomes competition as 'manipulation' instead of 'understanding' because if I understand I will see that intelligence means to understand and act within the best interest of all.

I commit myself to use my intellect to expose myself as what I have accepted and allowed to become as intelligence as the mind as my personality and behavior

Naming my games

10 03 2011

Bodytalk
Today I had my second appointment with my Kinesiologist. The first time I was there, two specific points came trough. One was Earth the other was Water. They where both related to the elements/points of wood and fire. These two came trough as a ‘consequence’. Earth and water kind of in and as the polarity cancelling each other out. Leaving me stuck in the polarity middle or a loop sort of. Being stuck and unable to push/move. Fascinating stuff really.

So after this first consult I kind of stuck to a few simple goals for myself. I wanted to have a few simple routines that I could keep close to me daily and in every moment in an uncomplicated way. Just simple handy tools so I could be applying myself physically in every moment as much as possible. Mainly because I realize that I’m over complicating things most of the time. I had to be in the moment and breath as much as possible. Be in the moment and observe. Observing thoughts as they came up and don’t interact. Second point, keep moving in whatever I’m doing. Keep walking. Get it done, don’t hesitate. Take action again and again. And let go of what just happened as soon as possible.

So just by doing this I immediately got confronted with the waterfall of thoughts and the ridiculous little amount of time I spend in ‘the now’. It was a daily ‘mind-boggling’ experience watching these rivers of thoughts connect to feelings and emotions. So the next thing I tried to do was to apply self-forgiveness. This proved to be too much. This is where I kind of completely lost it.

Thoughts on the horizon
Now this I find very interesting. I noticed the following. Sometimes a thought came up but I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was actually just looking at it. No emotions, no feelings. I just watched them pas by like ships on the horizon. For example when driving my car I would see them as ‘things’ passing by. In the mean time I would breath and stay focussed on driving the car as me driving the car. Quite ‘ok’ actually. The strange thing being that I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was doing this. Then the next thing that would happen is my mind would kick in. “Shouldn’t you apply self forgiveness on that image that you just saw?”. “Come on you have to do this for yourself”. So I would go back to the image or thought, bring it back again and try to apply self forgiveness on it. I think what I should have done was adress 'the act' of me bringing these image or thoughts back. I 'saw' this as I was 'on the table' this afternoon.

Body support
I just didn’t see it staring me in the face. Got completely lost for words. And there it is. In the words. Naming the game. Keeping it simple. Not seeing the thing in front of me because I’m looking too far ahead. At the same time trying to apply self-forgiveness on the fact that I’m not able to see the real shit that’s right in front of me. What a mindfuck (LOL). This came to me as I was lying on the table talking to my Kinesiologist while she was working on me. It was really cool to have my own body giving me feedback like this. Thank you big time ‘buddy/body’.

Stop suppressing myself
When she asked me about specific points that I would like to address I brought this stuff up. I found it hard to be specific towards her because she speaks kind of a different language. The 'language' of Kinesiologists. I was able to communicate my point by explaining. That I had a ‘problem’ stopping my mind when thoughts and images would come. That I would judge myself when this happened and that these judgements would lead to suppression and ‘depression’. Causing friction thus energy and that this energy would manifest as the ‘hyper anxious me’. I told her I was kind of done with this ‘anxious me’. That this point needed 'change'. It has to be dissolved. I also explained the difficulties I experienced in voicing myself in and as simplicity. I experience my mind as this hysterical child that’s with me all day an it’s just tiring. Plain and specifically ‘simple’ voicing that’s what I would be able to do.

For example:


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not realizing that I have to just go to the toilet when I feel the urge to pee because this is not a healthy habit.


Instead off:


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not go to the toilet when I feel the need to pee.

I’m over complicating things all the time and I realize that it’s a big part of the way I programmed myself over the years. Taking way to much variables into my daily equations and situations. It’s no surprise that people see me as ‘distracted’ because I am. I realize that I find it very hard to be specific and give straight answers to seemingly straight forward questions.

Getting to ‘thee-point’ of self-intimacy
So she stopped me in my words and said “got it”. We both laughed and we started testing. At one point she asked me to massage (she knows I can do this) a specific point on the left side of my pubic bone. The moment I did this I noticed how sensitive and painful this was compared to the right side. So I asked her about this point and where it stood for.

It was related to my liver. "Having something on your liver" is a common phrase used in holland. So What’s on my liver? Interesting point. I did the massage and in the mean time she treated my back in the liver area. It took like one minute. Pain was gone and the little headache I had disappeared as well. This is really cool stuff. It’s immediate! It’s my body. No lies and instant truth about what’s here to be addressed. It also brought up the point of ‘self-intimacy’ very clearly. What does that mean to me? Well the proof of the pudding was in the eating. That’s what it was right there. Touch! just start touching. Just fucking do it instead of noticing shit in the mind. It’s again too simple to be true. So the whole point of self-intimacy bursted open for me right there. Cool as hell again. My new definition of Sex isn’t actually new. It’s that. It’s touch and giving yourself ‘real’ and specific ‘physical attention’. Checking myself by the millimetre. Point for point and start fucking talking to my body. I live inn it!

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not talk to my body

Willing and walking
So the next thing was the point of ‘willing myself’. This is related to points on the side of my hands under my pink (finger) “Learning from 'mis-takes' and ‘knowing’ what’s good for ‘one’-self”. These point are related to the small intestine. The part that takes care of getting the specific and necessary nutrients out of all the stuff we put in our body’s daily. Again, very cool because for me this is so clearly related to this point of ‘being specific’, in voicing myself. Getting the ‘specific information’ out. Exercising my ability as the small intestine to know what I’m looking for and get what I need to support myself. Not wasting time in the process. In relation to this point she suggested a ‘Kraneo’ head massage. So the next appointment is next Wednesday. Going to get my head examined finally.

Give yourself a present and visit a ‘good’ Kinesiologist. It’s cool beyond ‘words’.

In respons to mail from A

A.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

- ‘BackChat’ - yes

- not moving - no

- experiencing yourself differently – yes

- self-doubt as self-sabotage - at times

- self-correction - not in every moment

- apply ourselves within the material - find this very hard in daily reality

- document our day to day experiences - often lost for words and also discipline

- doubting whether you should be in the DesteniIProcess - no

- accepted role(s) - yes, but I’m aware and acting on them

- you don’t feel you are effectively moving - yes

- not willing to change - yes and no

- survival linked to ego, money or a point of self-acceptance - yes, interesting point

A.

If you do not yet see Self within this ‘Equality Equation’ then your self-forgiveness is useless. So I suggest the following: Make a list of all the points you have been working on over the last few months. Then next to each point you write down where within the point have you not been able to stop and self forgive.

So what comes up for me right now?

 - work/money

Work has to be done first before all else. Money doesn’t fall from the sky. It enables me to do what I’m doing in the first place. Responsibility towards the minimum quality of the work and satisfaction of my clients nr. 1 priority.

- addiction

stopped weed again around the 13.th of january for the second time(loop). Committed to stand this time. Hard. Very hard. Physical reaction. Pain in arms, shoulders, back. Very unpleasant. Don’t know if it’s solely because of weed or that other points/forces are joining in at the moment. The pains do not fade and don’t go away. Still standing, still committed. But very hard at times. Also sadness and grief. I don’t think it’s self pity. It’s more like realising the time I wasted and the harm I caused in the process. So, ok self pitty after all. 

- patience

I think I want to do to much too fast. It’s a remark I got from a lot people in the past. Slow down man, relax. Rome wasn’t built in a day, etc. Also this ‘Bart Simpson’ syndrome of hyperactivity. Slow the fuck down. I’m sure there are people who get more done in a day. I’m however not those people. I’m me battling my own demons and I’m having a fucking hard time doing so (self pitty?). No I’m actually having a very hard time coping with my own shit here. I’m waltzing on a very thin line. I’m sure in time I might look back on my own stupidity and have a good laugh about this period. At the moment it is what it is. As ‘A’ wrote “it took her months of writing” to get where she is. Well I’m certainly not there yet. So got a lot of writing and self forgiveness ahead of me. 

Trying to fit everything into my life right now is hard enough as it is. Off coarse there are many points that I run into everyday that need immediate attention. I’m simply not able to give this to myself yet. So I take notice and start over. Next step is to document these events so they stick with me. So at the end of the day I can apply self forgiveness more effectively because the point is clearly written down or spoken into a memo recorder. This point could definitively be improved with a bit more discipline in combination with writing everyday. This is closely related to the point of ‘discipline’.

- ego/manifesting myself/talking/preaching

I notice that I lose myself when I’m with family. I don’t see my ‘friends’ that much. I’m pretty much on my own which is a point to look into as well. I feel very lonely and hollow at times. At the same time this surprises me because I never had problems with being alone in the past or as a child. On the other hand this could be my imagination because there where always ‘friends’ around. The main difference however is realizing that I’m alone in the first place. “there is only me”. One of my most prominent patterns was/is ‘superego’ so it’s no surprise that taking the sole responsibility for myself is not the easiest thing I ever did and that there is a big demon present that is not leaving without a fight (or two). OMG this is such a huge point. It’s present the moment I have to be social especially with family. People who are willing to accept so much more abuse from me than the average person. So I’m having troubles here. It’s clear to me I see it. What do I do? Stop visiting? Reduce visits? I’m loosing myself in those moments with people that are supposedly close to me. At the same time I’m able to observe what I’m doing. It’s a horror show. Not that it’s going wrong all the time. There is also progress being made. I mean I’m being aware of what I’m doing a lot of the time and that’s a ‘blessing’ in itself. I have to beware not to feed my ego though. Such a ‘blessing’ is not a compliment. It’s a point of awareness, something to write about and have a look at.

- discipline

I know it’s dangerous to compare myself to myself in the past. If I knew another way of checking my progress I would do so. I use my past as a box of reference. How did I do-what do I do. Writing as I do now helps me to kind of create a third perspective in words as I will read them back wen they are posted. Yes I should wright everyday. Yes I gave into resistance and didn’t wright under the excuse of fatigue. Yes I gave in to bad temper, self pity and laziness. No more. That’s why discipline is on the list as a point to work on in every moment, every breath. I will probably fall a million times. I will also get up again and will myself on this point. My main concern is the point as written above. Wright everyday! Regardless of my state of mind or the quality of my writings. Just fucking wright. Even if it’s just flag points or keywords wright goddamn it. I will wright... 

Continue tomorrow.