11/10/2012

Day-024-Getting rid of headaches


The spark of life faces death
The way I see myself behave in relation to feeling positive or negative and the way others perceive me within doing so. This is what popped up as I was reading a blog today. Also an image of a heavily mutulated man after an accident I saw on FB kept popping. I felt quite 'heavy' this week.

So i'm looking at myself and my behavior captured within a moment of time where someone else is experiencing me in a certain way according to my voice tonality and my general expression. How do I experience myself within this observation.

I see myself getting up in the morning day after day with a serious case of morning sickness although pretending/acting out that I am emotionally 'stable' and seemingly unaffected by what is going on in my life and the world in general at the moment. Suppressing the hell out of what I really feel.

Waking up from the unconscious into the conscious and into reality can be a nightmare. So within my life within all I have accepted and allowed to happen and all I did to create my reality I also created this believe that I am who I am when I wake up. But who the fuck is that person waking up? Is it me simply here? Apparently not because I see myself wake up and for all I know I could be on drugs. And I keep reminding myself that hormones are drugs so me waking up is like a drug cartel waking up.

So what are mood swings? What is morning sickness? What is a depression? When I wake up I notice aches and pains, tiredness, anxiety, resistance. That whole spectrum of emotions and feelings as I become aware and see the picture carousel that starts too spin. I hear myself sigh as I sit up straight and stretch myself. I moan as I get up and feel my knees that need bearing replacement. Before I have my first coffee I already did this whole play of emotional responses and the only one sharing these scenes is my dog who does not seem to have these reactions towards reality.

How long have I been taking this character experience of myself for granted as who I am in the morning waking up. I'm starting to look at what is here as me within those moments. It's rather funny too observe. Especially when waking up with someone else beside me.

And this I find fascinating because as the mind I will always walk into that shitload of thoughts, emotions and feelings that are by definition there to distract me from the now as I wake up in the morning. Reality and all that has to be done to stay on top of the game is the perfect distraction from the experience of myself within. Giving myself perfect 'reasons' to give in to the ever present seduction of stepping back within myself. Hide myself within whatever construct of depression, seclusion and self pity I can come up with. And within reality it's one of the most accepted ways of getting of the hook.

I'm sorry I'm not feeling it...

Feeling things seems to become the new religion in this world. Either you feel it or you don't. Sorry won't be there, not feeling it? You make me feel sad? Why? Don't know but you make me feel sad and so forth.

Ronald Reagan ones said that recession is when something bad happens to your neighbor. Depression is when it happens to you. Within my daily reality I'm constantly exposed too and participating within these patterns and play outs. Although I see realize and understand that I'm not my depressions I'm still the creator of them within my participation and reactions towards my daily reality in the same way I create the 'look at it from the bright site motherfucker' and everything in between.

It's a strange and sometimes bitter experience to walk with myself within this world that is a reflection of me. How can I not be affected by the sheer fuckup I find myself in? So from one perspective there is nothing to be positive about and from the other perspective there is nothing to be negative about. Whatever way one look at it, what remains is me here observing myself within and as these expressions and morning sickness being one of the most interesting ones.

The moment I start interacting with other people it becomes clear. I'm balancing my scales. Within the participation with other people the subtle differences on the '+-' scale between us start to show. They show me how others perceive me and expect me to behave as a fellow human being. Within that I have heard remarks like: You look tired are you OK? You sound sad is something wrong? Where is that spark of life within you? Cheer up? These points seem to relate to some sort of invisible scale of reference.

Tired versus energetic
Sad versus happy
Spark of life versus the dark hole of death
Cheer up versus talked down

What I find fascinating is that invisible scale we created. A scale of reference that's part of the propaganda system of the power principle that bombards us with imagery of sex, love, happiness and success within this world. Where I permanently measure my state of happiness in relation to the scale.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge everything I do to an invisible scale

More to come

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