Day-024-Getting rid of headaches

The spark of life faces death
The way I see myself behave in relation to feeling positive or negative and the way others perceive me within doing so. This is what popped up as I was reading a blog today. Also an image of a heavily mutulated man after an accident I saw on FB kept popping. I felt quite 'heavy' this week.

So i'm looking at myself and my behavior captured within a moment of time where someone else is experiencing me in a certain way according to my voice tonality and my general expression. How do I experience myself within this observation.

I see myself getting up in the morning day after day with a serious case of morning sickness although pretending/acting out that I am emotionally 'stable' and seemingly unaffected by what is going on in my life and the world in general at the moment. Suppressing the hell out of what I really feel.

Waking up from the unconscious into the conscious and into reality can be a nightmare. So within my life within all I have accepted and allowed to happen and all I did to create my reality I also created this believe that I am who I am when I wake up. But who the fuck is that person waking up? Is it me simply here? Apparently not because I see myself wake up and for all I know I could be on drugs. And I keep reminding myself that hormones are drugs so me waking up is like a drug cartel waking up.

So what are mood swings? What is morning sickness? What is a depression? When I wake up I notice aches and pains, tiredness, anxiety, resistance. That whole spectrum of emotions and feelings as I become aware and see the picture carousel that starts too spin. I hear myself sigh as I sit up straight and stretch myself. I moan as I get up and feel my knees that need bearing replacement. Before I have my first coffee I already did this whole play of emotional responses and the only one sharing these scenes is my dog who does not seem to have these reactions towards reality.

How long have I been taking this character experience of myself for granted as who I am in the morning waking up. I'm starting to look at what is here as me within those moments. It's rather funny too observe. Especially when waking up with someone else beside me.

And this I find fascinating because as the mind I will always walk into that shitload of thoughts, emotions and feelings that are by definition there to distract me from the now as I wake up in the morning. Reality and all that has to be done to stay on top of the game is the perfect distraction from the experience of myself within. Giving myself perfect 'reasons' to give in to the ever present seduction of stepping back within myself. Hide myself within whatever construct of depression, seclusion and self pity I can come up with. And within reality it's one of the most accepted ways of getting of the hook.

I'm sorry I'm not feeling it...

Feeling things seems to become the new religion in this world. Either you feel it or you don't. Sorry won't be there, not feeling it? You make me feel sad? Why? Don't know but you make me feel sad and so forth.

Ronald Reagan ones said that recession is when something bad happens to your neighbor. Depression is when it happens to you. Within my daily reality I'm constantly exposed too and participating within these patterns and play outs. Although I see realize and understand that I'm not my depressions I'm still the creator of them within my participation and reactions towards my daily reality in the same way I create the 'look at it from the bright site motherfucker' and everything in between.

It's a strange and sometimes bitter experience to walk with myself within this world that is a reflection of me. How can I not be affected by the sheer fuckup I find myself in? So from one perspective there is nothing to be positive about and from the other perspective there is nothing to be negative about. Whatever way one look at it, what remains is me here observing myself within and as these expressions and morning sickness being one of the most interesting ones.

The moment I start interacting with other people it becomes clear. I'm balancing my scales. Within the participation with other people the subtle differences on the '+-' scale between us start to show. They show me how others perceive me and expect me to behave as a fellow human being. Within that I have heard remarks like: You look tired are you OK? You sound sad is something wrong? Where is that spark of life within you? Cheer up? These points seem to relate to some sort of invisible scale of reference.

Tired versus energetic
Sad versus happy
Spark of life versus the dark hole of death
Cheer up versus talked down

What I find fascinating is that invisible scale we created. A scale of reference that's part of the propaganda system of the power principle that bombards us with imagery of sex, love, happiness and success within this world. Where I permanently measure my state of happiness in relation to the scale.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge everything I do to an invisible scale

More to come

Day-014-Mad Mike as 'the adrenaline Junkie'

This is a follow up to:
Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

In my last post I wrote about myself as the adrenaline Junkie. Within that I stated that the adrenaline junkie character gave me the experience of success. An experience I was not able to perceive as myself as such socially. Meaning in school, relationships, etc. What is my definition of success within and as this character of the adrenaline junkie and does this imply I defined other characters as losers? Was that adrenaline Junkie character a disguise to hide the character of a shy over sensitive kid? Why hide? How did I define success in the first place?


Success by dictionary definition: 
Accomplishing an aim or purpose.
Having achieved popularity, profit, or distinction: a successful actor.


Aim or purpose. A robot serving the master. Achieving popularity and then profit  lol. Yeah actors alright…

So as the Adrenaline Junkie, I was successful within sports I practiced. I trained a lot, I trained hard and I knew that in order to increase performance I had to step it up every time all the time. Within that I realized that stepping it up meant being out of my comfort zone regularly. It meant pushing and often push beyond the limits in order to find out what the limits were.

Being on and sometimes over the limit and becoming comfortable in that zone is a great confidence/character builder. At the same time I enjoyed myself racing and flying around as I slowly gathered experience in a playful way. Within that I see, realize and understand that I was able to apply myself because I also enjoyed myself. The more finesse I got the more I enjoyed myself the more I developed those characters.

What I remember well was the difference between playing around and train with trainers. Having support and be able to mirror what I was doing and within that I also allowed to push myself. It's because of that I can also see that a buddy system can speed things up significantly. At first there was permanent pain as I started to train. Sometimes I trained so hard I couldn't walk as I got home. I didn't complain because when you train there will be pain. No pain no gain. Interesting point to do a post on.

The more I trained the more I improved the more I conditioned myself the faster these pains would disappear and after a few years the whole experience of my body had changed. It was amazing to be able to train till my eyeballs popped and have my muscles on fire and go to school the next day with just this slight heaviness in my legs. I became 'strong' and sturdy. This was also the time I got interested in girls. Apparently girls liked strong and sturdy although I was not fully aware of it at the time. There was definitively a 'conscious' relationship I developed with my body. I felt very confident with my body.

Confidence as confide within the the 'I' of my ego as the strong and confident winner. Not seeing realizing and understanding 'I' conned myself and within that is the point of creating Icons as characters of success within and as me.

Sometimes I was amazed and surprised by what my body could do and more training meant less thinking. Less thinking meant relaxation hence the addiction. Having reflexes trained into the body, having a body that knows what to do and when to do it was such a cool realization and experience. That also showed me that fear was always me as the mind as projections, "what if I blow a tire", what if the rope brakes", what if the weather changes", " what if the boat sinks". It's these seemingly simple thoughts that fucked me up. Fear had nothing to do with my physical abilities. That was a realization I used a lot when I did visualizations to get over/push trough fears. There is always that first jump and it makes no sense to visualize a crash. Better start by visualizing a perfect jump. This worked!

One would expect me to use these insights in other aspects of my life as well but I didn't. Why? Other aspects of my life I did not enjoy. I did not enjoy being in school. Sitting on a chair with a body that only wants to move is pure torture. I did not enjoy learning. I did not enjoy social activities unless they where physical. At one point I was psychologically tested but they couldn't find anything out of the 'ordinary' except my ability to concentrate was below average. At the same time stuff I did as the 'adrenaline junkie' required utmost focus and concentration lol. All that bullshit made no sense to me. Within this is my "It has to be fun character". I other aspects of life I didn't push myself as hard as I did within sports and physical labour.

We always think we will be more successful than our parents who where thinking the same thing. That's what I thought. I was convinced I would be. So there is no authority and we don't have a clue. It's still strange to sit here writing this shit down seeing that as children we have all looked beyond the veil and at the same time there was nothing we could do. Exactly like our parents. What choices does a child have besides going crazy or suppress the whole thing and merge with the fuckup called success? What's the difference anyway? If I don't brake the pattern no one will.

My bike was my escape and I spend almost all my free time on my bike or doing other physical stuff. What I did not realize and what was never explained to me until I found the Desteni material, was my place in the system and how that system functions and operates. All I knew was that I hated everything that had authority written over it. Authority was my red flag. I would permanently question it, scramble it, be in it's way, spite it, be angry with it, test it, provoke it or feel victimized by it. I also saw that the system was real. I have always had that feeling of 'not being alone'. What I did not realize was that it was not god or some deity but my physical body that was always there. All that time I did not realize how I was fucking myself out of the system and into oblivion.

So there is the 'adrenaline junkie' character and it's behavior that created an experience of success within and as that character. There is the realization that I did not perceive myself to be successful in school, relationships and social behavior in general. Within that I see that every response/reaction I ever had created another character. Within this construct characters of success where created so characters of failure had to come into existence as well. I see realize and understand that within all my actions I created this polarity. If I create success I create failure as well. Some sweetness has to be added to compensate the bitterness. And within that polarity I generate heaps of energy, amongst others as the Adrenaline Junkie. Within that I see that it starts with slowing down and stopping creation and allow myself to be here!

I didn't create characters of success within and as a 'normal' boyfriend, classmate, guy next door etc.. because I already had those relationship experiences within my sport hence my body so what's the use? Whatever it was It had to be something 'special' and 'exclusive' at least as good as the 'adrenaline' experience. Nothing can do that except 'sex' hence… Within that I realize that I reacted to my reality reentering = reenacting, creating, acts as a chain of events that where all characters that ended up in relationships based on sex or at least a strong 'physical component'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sex to my character of the adrenaline junkie thus introducing/infusing the junkie as a character within and as my sexual expression as well

Eventually it all leads back to the first character, my first ever response to failure or being unsuccessful. The whole thing looks like a snowball made of characters that failed rolling back in time getting bigger and bigger.

So why did I not feel comfortable within groups? Why did I consider myself to be unsuccessful socially? I met women who where girls from my past who told me they where madly in love with me back then and I couldn't believe my ears. I always thought that girls considered me to be a total freak back then. Within that I see that I must have had a very distorted view on my environment and girls in particular. So why where other kids more adaptable to the structure and why do I judge myself as a junkie within the point of wanting to escape reality? Where is my reality check?

Apparently I did not develop characters that functioned well within 'normal' social groups. Groups that need characters able to compromise, adept and process information within the script. No place for improv. Within that I see that I have always typecasted myself. I accepted, allowed and wanted to develop outlaw characters because outlaws are loners. I thought that I had to become completely independent.

Outlaws don't live happy lives. Outlaws are on the run with a trusty steed, a bag of one–liners and a gun to do the talking. They have sex but no attachments. They enjoy the good times in their own time. They live of the land and see the hand of 'god' in a grain of sand. They are homophobic but love their brothers in arms to death. Rough around the edges but romantics. They die for a higher cause not knowing what that is exactly. It makes no sense to them to have a family. Outlaws sacrifice everything to be 'free', whatever that is. They are the solitary samurai. Himalayan Yogis freezing their buts of. etc etc. Those kind of characters are my kind of characters. The ones 'I'-dentified with. They occupy me. Total character endorsement became my mind fuck. Who's typing here?

So within that I can see the point. I did not allow myself to become a successful character in a successful group/pact/act because I had created a herd of characters that spited success and within that my herd was exclusive special and unique. We were more than all that. The 'I am unique' character. What I did not see was that to become successful in a certain space and time is related to adaptability to group dynamics and culture, cult–us. The ability to read the scriptures and adept to the script as all the acts? I did the opposite (a lot).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an adrenaline junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become competitive and within that enjoy the sweet taste of success as the winner at the cost of the loser feeling depressed, seeing realizing and understanding that by becoming competitive I create the construct of winners and losers as the this system of haves and have nots thus keeping the system in place within that seeing realizing and understanding that if I don't change my physical actions towards actions that are in the best interest of all no thing will change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect confidence and power to being successful and competitive and within that allowing myself to connect enjoyment to being successful and competitive thus creating a construct of addiction to adrenaline within and as competition and success as the only way to enjoy/express myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the experience of 'joy' within and as the effects of adrenaline and it's family of endorphins as the painkillers of my life as my religion within that realizing that adrenaline became the only substance I relied-on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think pain is nothing more than a electric warning signal within and as the nervous system not seeing realizing and understanding that pain has multiple dimensions within and as the physical body

I commit myself to investigate pain in all it's manifestations and find ways to dissolve pain as I walk this process 'of pain' seeing realizing and understanding that if I understand pain I can help myself dissolve it and if

I can do it others will to within that I commit myself to investigate into the nitty gritty why and how I allowed pain 'as my mind' to take control and enslave my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the 'no pain no gain' family mantra the story of my life not seeing realizing and understanding that that created a chain of events where I physically harmed myself repeatedly and within that I did allow myself to hurt myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the 'no pain no gain' mantra unto my own child seeing realizing and understanding that I did this without a clear perspective on the point thus programming the same construct into my own child thus instead of removing it, reinstalling it, keeping it allive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify, copy and use other characters of extreme sport performers in order to create the same energetic reactions so I could feel charged and thus become even more addicted within the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect confidence to a strong body and fitness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the formula of success is universal and can thus be applied universally and within that I see realize and understand that by not gifting myself the physical action of this universal formula within all aspects of my life became actually self sabotage within and as minimal progression within the point of success within and as the system as financial success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate resistance towards education and theoretical studies in general accepting and allowing myself to think/believe I was not good and only had creative and physical talents and within that feed the character as the adrenaline Junkie creating energy, the food to feed the flames within and as the addiction to adrenaline

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/think/believe my life has to be fun every time all the time and within that allowed myself to go into the negative as the addiction to energy/adrenaline the moment things do not go 'my way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with my parents because they did not confront me within and as the adrenaline junkie offering support and showing me as the child what it was I was doing not seeing realizing and understanding that they were just as brainwashed as I am within this point thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility within this point of becoming addicted to adrenaline

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see realize and understand what it means to be successful and within that to apply the power of self discipline as self corrective action and application because success also means succeeding and within that I see realize and understand that in order to be successful I have to succeed first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the polarity of success and failure and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect success to money and power and failure to being poor and helpless, seeing realizing and understanding that within this I can only create more friction as I move between and create more polarities

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I cannot be successful and at the same time operate outside the system because the system is who I am within and as the system based on energy as profit and loss thus to know the system and operate within and according to the system changing it from the inside is the only way 'I' can become successful within and as the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am more or could be more than the system seeing realizing and understanding that who I am is of the mind within and as the system and within this I realize that when and as I play a character I'm of the system instead of self directive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the conclusion that I would have to do it alone and instead of doing it alone went into the polarity of becoming completely dependent on other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that no matter how crazy I was the world would always be more crazy and within that did not allow myself to ever consider something outside of myself would be able to show me otherwise which proved to be untrue because when I started reading the Desteni material it became absolutely clear to me what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and the only way to get to the bottom of myself is starting to forgive myself and deprogram the program I have created by applying myself within this world within and as the physical self corrections I give myself