Day-033-"Friendliness the disease"

Within DIP Lite I was looking at the word 'friendly' and how I have lived this word. And it always amazes me how much opens up if I start to look at a single word and how multi dimensional words are. If you are interested in language the Desteni material will blow you out of your socks. It's possible to write about a single word into infinity because in a holographic way a word represents all words. It triggers the question why we have the abc in the first place?

So here I see within one word multiple dimensions of how I can live and have lived the word 'friendly'. Friendly as a form of manipulation because I want to be liked. Even being unfriendly. Because telling someone to fuck of shows very clearly that I am very specific about who I want to be friendly with. It's about personal preference thus 100% self interest.

Being liked and earn affection is one of the first things we learn. It's the tool to get things my way. The friendly rivalry is always there because it's what shapes this reality. It does not stand alone because it's part of the play out within relationships within all groups. It can be explicit competition like a dog wrestle. But it will still be rivalry and it boils down to and finds its origin in self interest. I can trace that back very easily to the observation I made as a child. Manipulation was something I learned so I only have to look at the origin of my education to find the friendly lie. The soothing voice of my mother that says it's ok to cry as I am manipulating the hell out of her.

How far am I willing to go to get what I want? It's like in mediaeval times and how the dutch where able to do business in japan while the rest got their heads chopped off. The dutch bent over backwards, went on their knees and licked the boots of a shogun as long as they got their business deals. They didn't care about keeping up appearance. They took on the 'friendly' appearance that got them the most results and that's it. They where well dressed but pirates nevertheless. The japanese liked the dutch. They where humble and friendly as long as you where not a slave or a boat that was entered because they where the bankers of their time and build their wealth and kingdom on the basic rule of the trade that people have to like you first before you become able to fuck them up the arse. In that perspective friends are the foes you do business with.

Any-a thing / Many-a things / Make-a thing / Mark-a thing / Marketing

It's the biggest blind spot I had in my life and one of the major points of frustration in daily life. Why didn't I see this before? This system operates to a very simple rule. And it's this rule in combination with ice-cold lifelong consistency that makes 'matter' come 'our' way. There is no place for playfulness or a celebration of life within getting what I want. Being friendly in its current expression is the blinding smile of deception and the foundation of this 'financial' reality. I'm a puppy fighting for a nipple in total denial.

If I want to be in a favorable position I must be that perfect picture. That friendly, humble and serviceable person that pops up in the mind of the right person. Strangely enough it's basic rules of advertising and I never wanted to see that they applied to myself as well. Such stupidity.

Like I said, a MAJOR blind spot. Then there is the belonging to and finding oneself in an alliance of some sort. Where one becomes supported by the group because I have now proven my alliance trough my actions within and as self sacrifice as a donation to the group. And this applies to all groups. My battle scars will get a certain status. The more medals the more status. From being in a street gang to being a member of the board or a wolf in a pack. It's all the same shit and I will abuse my own children out of fear of fading from the grid. I understand that change can only come from myself as my actions because no one wants to 'hear' this. There is no friendly way to tell it!

It's problematic when one sees that there is only one group in fact which is 'LIFE'. Simultaneously I find myself in a reality that doesn't change because I don't change. A reality that is split into an overwhelming number of groups. As a child I will have to merge with one or more of those groups. It's my goddamn 'social structure'. A structure that is always classifiable by the money god that rules that specific group. No income is the ultimate failure in the system and it means there is only one group left. The opposites the underdogs, the losers.

Belonging to the ones that don't belong means suffering beyond belief and because that is everyones worst fear we defend our positions of self interest at the cost of all 'life'. It makes us teach our children to live the lie and speed up the process of destruction even more. Isn't that the worst child abuse imaginable?

I lived the word friendly in multiple dimensions and few are genuine self honest expressions. Friendliness has the potential of being every act that stands for absolute oness and equality as what is best for all life. To walk the message of jesus and to do unto my neighbor as I would do unto myself. The friction with present reality is that one will (like jesus) have to friendly say no to a lot of 'things' and one will not have a lot of friendly things to say. I will crucify myself isn't it?

SO the word friendly is very much here to be redefined into an understanding of what true friendliness in the best interest of all entails. I have a long way to go.

Day-029-Another day stated

Frustration as the consequence of stress is when I allow stress and that leads to me being ineffective in whatever it is I am doing because it's not me that is in control. Instead my self sabotage is doing so within and as the stress I allow to become. It's my reactions to the backchat of self diminishment and failure. 
Like in the moment where I have simply way too much on my plate and I didn't step on the brakes. I also wasn't as effective in my self management as I could have been. I lost 'valuable' time. Time is money. My parents have planned this midweek trip to Berlin for the whole family. Under 'normal' circumstances I would be really cool with this but now I find myself here within the situation where I made a mistake and my planning went down the drain and bam there is the friction of stress as frustration. Suddenly I see where I failed to plan sufficiently and realistically. The person who would watch my dog says he's not available for the full 100% so that cost me half a day to reorganize. On top of that it will cost me 50 euro's to get my dog in a 'good' place for the days to come. That lead to an extra vaccination for the dog thus a trip to the vet which was another 3 hours. So almost a day of unplanned activity had to be squeezed into a timeframe of 3 days I had to finish a job. Even writing this blofg fills me with stress because I have to get the shit done. Thus I have been working late and becoming very tired. Tiredness with me often leads to instability where I allow myself to be even more overwhelmed and ruled by my own energetics and getting out of bed like an energized zombie where the stress hit's me as the backchat the moment I open my eyes.Because of that outflow I again find myself within the experience of stress and frustration. I'm now rushing to get things done. My breathing is higher, I'm not relaxed and I allow this tension to lock up my body making the whole experience one of mental and physical torture for myself.Stress caused me to freeze caused me to not take on what was there caused chaos caused more to manage and within seeing myself like this is the projection of failure towards myself as lack of professionalism. I'm judging myself as not directing myself effectively and within the suppression of emotions that I connect to failure as self pity is the energy produced by the friction of stress as the outflow or my allowance of frustration because I'm not succeeding or producing results in a reality that is build on that construct completely. I'm rubbing against the system and within that It's okay to be frustrated. Everyone has it once in a while. Be positive, drink a few drinks, have a good time and get on with it. Not realizing I'm simply time looping into the next trap of stress and frustration because I'm not changing methods within the way I approach my reality effectively It feels like it's not working that my my efforts are 'in vain' while in fact it's simply me allowing myself to accept failure as an option. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am who I am within the way I handle myself within and as the energetics of stress and the outflow of stress within my reality as frustration and within that I forgive myself for not seeing realizing that it's within allowing myself to accept frustration as part of my reality I allow self sabotage to exist thus ineffectiveness to exist.

Day-015-Branding a Jack in the box

This is a follow up to:
Day-014-Mad Mike as 'the adrenaline Junkie'
Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

There is a scene in a movie called 'Tropic Thunder' where actor Robert Downey Jr. plays an actor playing an actor with a blown ego that says "I don't read the script, the script reads me". That says it all. Eventually my ego becomes so big it will become the script. I become the script without being aware of it. Looking back it's that point I see. It's my experience of myself in 'life'. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I thinking this? Why did I say that? Why did I do that? Not realizing that every question was a character I created. Perfect inception as deception within a near perfect maze.

When I become insecure or make a mistake I use my family of characters to express that state. My pack in uniform. A macho fight club called 'la resistance. Within that I'm mostly expressing some sort of physical confidence, a stance. This explains for example why within a group my fears of not being understood or not being acknowledged, lead to me becoming this ranting lunatic that cant sit still.

I'm starting to see this pattern and I see it exists all around me were we engage with people and start by asking what it is they do? Meaning, what kind of work or activity they do. The safest opening sentence apart from remarking on the weather. So this is where I Make my debut, my first impression, going on stage now. Damn they better remember me. So, OK, let's get in character and kick ass.

Someone told me as she was sitting on a terrace, when asked the question 'what it was she did,' she answered; "I'm sitting here". Which was exactly what she was doing – A straight answer. The guy asking the question was not entertained. Is that because we expect people to come a long? Be on our side and entertained? Within these few words spoken it's obvious that there is seldom common ground. There is also the hidden 'fuck off.'

Most people don't expect the unexpected. Although it can be hilariously funny (as seen above). Confrontations like that forced me to take a look at myself within and as the words that I speak. Where do I come from? What are my intentions? Why am I here? Within there 'lies' the confrontation thus friction with reality. Is it a point we all are trained to unsuccessfully avoid by finding those matching characters when we go 'public'? It's a point I have struggled with all my life and it brings me back to the point of 'success', of being a successful 'operator'.

I don't experience myself successful socially and within relationships. It came as a big shock when I realized how important psychology, social behavior, good manners and vocabulary are within the system. How closely they are linked with money, success and power. Within that was the shock of realizing that it's much harder to get to that level of discipline required to be successful than it is to be noisy and reactive — because nearly everyone is that and only a few are successful.

I had that choice and I choose to go 'full retard'. I took onboard the giving up character and it had an easy job coaching the adrenaline junkie. The adrenaline Junkie character is my disguise to hide the family tree of characters that make him up. I did not allow myself to see realize and understand that success and failure are the same thing. It's not that things do not go wrong. It's the way successful beings deal with it. It's in their blood to be patient and not become emotional. You take the blow, pick up the pieces and try again. I made it my specialty to create pieces and then sit back and look at them weeping in self pity. So let me look at how I made success the stone around my neck.

The closer my scripts are to the scriptures of success in this world the more effective I will be in claiming a piece of the pie. Adaptability as an actor that became the script that now reads the actor. Thus taking total controls of the p/act. Charisma is turned into brand value that buys more exposure and thus a higher ranking inside the pact of (successful) actors. Within this I see/realize that as I create characters, the more I participate the more inception the more I get lost in my own crowd of characters.

I can see why I scare people away. I'm mainly a Jack in the box character, a noisy daredevil. Daredevils do not project stability and thus will not attract stability. Daredevils are interesting eye candy. Fire works to look at from a distance. They are not a potential partner/friend to have close (unless you are a daredevil, outcast, porn-star yourself). Within the matrix Girls are always very curious about daredevils, the so called 'wrong men'. The ones that will hurt you eventually. Boys are also fascinated by daredevils until they realize that being 'close' to one means they are expected to jump of the cliff as well. Daredevils are entertaining but eventually it's done and the daredevil leaves the stage like a worn out gladiator (the pathetic character).

I have entertained a few audiences. There was me as the one without a clue versus the overconfident. These two sets of characters would permanently switch places like a superhero syndrome. People who 'know' me say I'm full of contradictions. I say yes, who is not? And as I'm walking this process I start to see that I'm full of shit as far as....

So, if I had something to say I would say it. I had that blind spot all my life where I just express myself and blabber uncontrollably and within that there is no consideration for other beings. That's the Jack in the box experience for most people. I have lived with this experience of being in the wrong place at the wrong time almost all the time until I discovered Desteni.

Success is an interesting formula. I see it requires extensive training from the moment one is born. I realize what extensive training is. I do not underestimate it. With that kind of training one have to look at who are the people that get that training? If, since birth, all my actions would have been aligned with profit I would have been a symbol of success. Within profit is no 'morality' so it doesn't matter if my name is Hitler, Lady Gaga, Nelson Mandela or Gandi. Within our Adams family it's still God who runs the show within and as 'the money rules'. Who's the most successful? Success is fully embracing myself as god as the ruler of my world in the name of profit. I decide who lives and who dies. Lucifer is just showing me the light!

Separating myself from becoming successful was morality. Somewhere down the line I became aware of the ruthlessness needed to become successful and because I am full of morality and drama I do not allow myself to completely embrace that role of me as god in word and deed. I cannot go into that character because I allow morality and judgement to fuck with it. I compromise. Success is perfection. Within that I see realize and understand that becoming (financially) successful can only happen at the cost of others.

That raises a question I have to answer for myself. Can one ever enjoy success at the cost of others and do I want to exist within and as that definition of enjoyment? NO. So I commit myself to redefine the word success to what is best for all?

More to come

Day-013-My Adrenaline Junkie character

I was having a conversation with someone and he said he observed periods in my life where I would only talk about biking. Whatever the conversation was about I would somehow bend it and bring it back to biking. Within this I see that I have always allowed myself to become completely possessed within hobbies or sports. Who am I as this competitive and fanatical character? How did I build that character and why?

As a child I spend a lot of time outside. Specifically in or around trees. I loved climbing as long as I can remember. Looking back and seeing myself as a child climbing trees I see that I really enjoyed climbing. I see myself enjoying the way it involved all my senses, moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down which added another dimension. Then there was the experience of gravity and being suspended.


Speed
I also loved speed. And looking at my family I can see why. My father and his brothers are al post war children that grew up in a period that was all about 'the war'. Fighter pilots, spitfires, speed and espionage! I grew up with these stories about the second world war and all the technology involved. Most books I was reading as a little boy where about these subjects and I lived a lively fantasy with all these pictures. War and everything involved had (and still has) a big influence on the characters I create and live out.

Within this I created the character of the dreamer, not so interested in social activities and more distant from other kids. The voices in my head always told me why and how I had other, more 'important' things to do. Within my mind was this permanent fireworks display, this uninterrupted stream of fantasies and projections of big adventures I had to undertake.

Bringing the point here shows me how I existed within that experience of myself as that never ending stream of information that poured from my subconscious into my head. I realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me. I generated so much energy within me and that might explain why I couldn't sit still. Within this I see and realize that I was a compressed spring, always ready to spring into action. I felt stable and relaxed when I was moving. In other words doing something physical and within that would not be in my head so much. I would (as an adrenaline junkie) always  be looking for something that required total physical attention and involved all my senses as much as possible.

Pedalling
The moment I got my first bicycle was an experience I can only compare with the energetics of falling in love. I had butterflies in my stomach. My character on a bike was like this little energetic turbine spinning as I learned to bike and pedal my way around. Within this and on my bike I created a lot of characters. I was a pilot, racer, cop, fireman, astronaut etc. My bike allowed me to become every character that had fast as an expression.

I enjoyed speed and G–forces and the first roller coaster ride in a theme park was a life changing experience. Back home I would try to recreate that experience of being on the roller–coaster on my bike. With time biking became effortless. I was flying around and covering distances that would take me hours to do on foot. Biking around the neighborhood on my bike made my world smaller.

I was on my bike more than on my feet and biking to me felt more 'natural' then walking. Then BMX hit the scene and as I saw the first image of a real BMX bike I was stunned. It took me about two hours to completely strip my bicycle from all the unnecessary parts down to it's bare essentials and I created the BMX character. From that moment on I started digging trails with the other boys in the neighborhood who also stripped their bikes and adopted a BMX character. We had our private little BMX track next to our house. The stage was set and we enjoyed the play of flowing through berms picking up speed doing switchbacks and jumping around. I realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowed me to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself instead of being ruled by the fireworks in my head.

Biking was my stability point, and because it involved a lot of falling it was also a 'character builder'. A way to express myself and within that is the point of feeling more confident on the bike than of the bike=in character out of character=on drugs of drugs. Whatever I takes to cope with the world.
That soothing tiredness after the adrenaline rush. Endorphins as the morphine to hide myself from the confrontation with myself. When I started doing less sport I started smoking more pot. I never looked at it like this but it makes total sense to me now.

Within all extreme sports people talk about 'the zone'. It's a place where 'normal' people would step on the brakes. Were you think you loose control. Fear steps in and a shot of adrenaline comes to warn you you are 'officially' outside your comfort zone and about to die. This is where most people start screaming inside a roller coaster because their 'instinct/fear' tells them to get out of the situation.

Fear as a personal coach
I always enjoyed that moment where I saw the fear inside myself come up and was able to greet it with a smile. The edge of fear became like a familiar character and if one is with a familiar character one tends to be more relaxed. When I found myself doing something extreme (stupid) I was always aware of the warning lights and alarm bells going of. I always felt fear but I was able to keep it in the background like my personal coach thus creating the character of the personal coach within and as my fears.

Within the zone all those little voices in my head where silenced. Rare moments where my mind would shut up for a few moments like standing inside the eye of a hurricane. There are a lot of kids who would be on medicines right now if it wasn't for their skateboard, BMX bike or whatever adrenaline pump they have.

Gaining Confidence within the zone allowed me to go beyond what I thought where my fears and faster than 'the competition'. That created the character of a winner and over time within that I created the adrenaline Junkie and extreme sports character. When I see interviews with guys from the xtreme sports community (they are mostly guys), I cant help but see the same characteristics coming from the same kind of script. Huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and a good skill set.

My thingie
I always had a fascination for extreme sports. Every opportunity I got to do something extreme I took no questions asked. As an adolescent they could have strapped me to a rocket unable to wipe the smile of my face. Looking back also within my family it makes sense. I identified myself utterly with characters of bravado, courage, fearlessness and speed. That whole thing they call extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene.

Whatever we call ourselves within the activity or sports we practice in the end It's all competition and no one wants to be last. The place I compete is where I give my ego the 'all you can eat experience'. It's being with the monkeys screaming in the trees.

Sport could be so much more within and as a physical release and that's why I try to write some words down because I think that sport should be about physical expression without any form of competition or ratings and within that we will inevitably com across the money point.

I had to drive around and train on a piece of junk for years before I sold all my lego and got my first 15 kilo BMX bike that took a lot of leg to get moving. My adrenaline Junkie character spited (rich) kids and at the same time drooled over the bikes they had. Bikes that where 7-8 times more expensive than the little monster I drove around. The only status I could press out of my character was in the driving I did. I could only make sure I was fast and fearless. When I meet people I haven't seen for a while they mostly remember me as that character. Biking has always been my stability point and thus Achilles heel. No biking meant becoming unstable.

Recap
So within me is the character as the biker as confidence. Within doing extreme sports the adrenaline junkie character gave me the experience of success that I was not able to give myself in school, relationships, etc. Eventually this extreme sports character took the main stage on my world stage. Where I always had to push things over the limit. Where I always had the last say in things and provoked people in order to hide my own insecurity. It's why I pulled towards people that where a bit of center. Crazy ones, eccentrics, outcasts and underdogs. That's why I never was a successful athlete. I trained like one but lacked the ambition and discipline to compete every weekend and I feared the so called real athletes because I couldnt quite grasp where they where coming from. Apparently it was not my starting point to compete as an athlete and at the same time I enjoyed racing other guys in competition. I have been in competition with myself until I discovered within self honesty that I will eventually always be my own competitor like a dog chasing it's tail. Eventually the Mount everest will have an elevator and climbers will realize that you might as well cross the Sahara backwards. Eventually it's a biggest dick contest like all competition.

I created a character and with that came an addiction and as with all addictions I needed more drugs killing myself in the process. I wanted to beat myself which is impossible. I can only deprogram myself and that starts by killing my characters. It's funny to see that sports is actually more fun if there is no competitive character involved because it will become expression of self movement and within that I have to become intimate with myself. A point I have not yet fully embraced so an opportunity to observe myself as I slowly detox and deprogram the extreme sports character and allow self intimacy to step forth.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become completely possessed within and as the adrenaline Junkie

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a competitive and fanatical character within and as the adrenaline junkie?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I really enjoyed myself climbing as a child physically expressing myself within the experience of gravity and being suspended moving forward, back, left, right an also up and down without competitiveness and within that I forgive myself that I didn't see realize understand that this is my physical expression without the self-destructive competitive component, within that I see that I have created competition as the winner looser within thus allowing it to exist without.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and live the character of the dreamer allowing myself to isolate myself from others and within this I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the voices in my head as excuses to always have more 'important' things to do within and as the isolated character of the dreamer hypnotizing/identifying myself with the fireworks as my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I had no words to describe what was going on with me as a child where I generated so much energy and within that making it impossible to sit still and within that creating the external physical manifestation of restlessness not seeing realizing and understanding that my lack of vocabulary did not allow me to effectively communicate what was going on inside me within that I see and realize that I was creating a lot of tension creating a spring, always ready to spring into action thus creating a character of tension

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify and copy iconic and heroic characters not seeing realizing and understanding that by copying characters I am only creating more characters eventually loosing all sense of self and within that I forgive myself for abusing my physical body for competition like a race horse for sake of playing competitive characters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that playing the BMX character on a bike allowing myself to be in 'the zone' and feel in control of myself was simply a distraction like all distractions where I would use the zone as a distraction/drug to experience myself for a short moment without the fireworks in my head and within that not realizing that this short meditation would not take away the point I was trying to escape within that I see I was already creating the basic construct for all addictions that followed later

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see falling of my bike abusing my physical body in the process as a character builder and within that I forgive myself for creating the character of the tough guy allowing myself to connect being on a bike to confidence thus creating on the bike=in character/of the bike=out of character and within that creating the basic impulse of using characters to deal with my internal turmoil instead of trusting the physical as breath as me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to feel good endorphins created by exposing myself to physical and mental stress and within that abusing my physical body in the process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become depressed because I couldn't compete because of injuries inflected on myself by pushing myself over the limit and within that I forgive myself for not taking self responsibility for my own actions as the extreme sports character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel superior to others within the point of fearlessness within and as the extreme sports character being able to control my fears and project fearlessness as a distraction to hide my insecurities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as lonely insecure guys overcompensating with huge amounts of bravado, testosterone and good skills within and as adrenaline junkies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to I identify myself with the image and mentality of all-round sportsmanship, courage, fearlessness, speed that is called extreme sports including the after party characters that belong to the scene within and as image, looks, clothing, music, brands, and use of words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete in sports in order to give my ego the 'all you can eat experience' trough participating in competition with the soul purpose of winning at the cost of others

Day-009-Can I have some privacy?

At home realizing that although I'm alone I'm also part of a group and within that I see myself in my kitchen alone 'wanting/claiming/having my privacy'. I'm walking trough the house naked wondering what I would do if I would not be alone right now?

Would I behave differently? Would I take on a different personality. From that perspective what is 'privacy' more than claiming a space for myself away/separated from 'the rest'? An exclusive form of separation by creating the luxury article of privacy for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act like a junkie thinking I can escape the horrors of reality by having a moment for myself, a moment of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there is no escape from reality within and as privacy, seeing realizing and understanding that there is no privacy within birth, illness and death thus my privacy is my participation within and projection of me unto this world as the creator of privacy as separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by living privacy I separate myself from the rest as a private not sharing myself my emotions, feelings, insights and realizations thus excluding/separating myself from the rest by wanting more than others as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize see and understand that when I claim/occupy a (private) space I take space instead of give space.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings of shame, frustration, anger and guilt for not living the realization that keeping something for myself as privacy is steeling from the rest and within that context I see I have never given as I would have liked to receive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself when others got something and I did not, realizing and understanding that I have never given the way I would have liked to receive because I always wanted my own private part within and as victory, to 'take' the win no matter what by manipulating everything and everyone within and as my kingdom of privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on private personalities within and as privacy realizing seeing and understanding that by doing so I allow myself to create multiple separated personalities as different levels of privacy I project unto or believe to exist within this world and by doing so create points of separation between myself and reality as these private personalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing privacy to exist within and as me, becoming the dictator of my own privacy as the creator of separation within this world as the gap between those that can build walls to separate themselves from those unable to escape the horrors of daily reality within this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have the right to privacy as the right to not be disturbed, not seeing realizing and understanding that it is me as my mind that is wanting the exclusive right to manipulate me within the seclusion of my privacy, seeing and understanding that within this point 'my' privacy becomes my own bribery.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that within the point of privacy I have the right to do what I want when I want it, seeing realizing and understanding that what I allow to happen is a full on ego-trip at the cost of others where I choose to replace reality with 'my privacy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that the concept of privacy is an addiction to self interest where I choose to distract myself and avoid the rawness of me within and as the creator of privacy as separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that no matter how high I build the walls of privacy around me, the certainty of reality will always be on the other side showing me how I separated myself within and as privacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape reality and seclude myself within and as privacy where I claim the right for me to see only as I want at the cost of all others. Lost within an ego-trip where I can see and do all things my way.

I commit myself to correct myself within these moments of self defeat and stop whining about my right to privacy seeing, realizing and understanding that it's me wanting to close my eyes and not take responsibility for what I have created in this world through participating within privacy.

I commit myself to investigate, identify, expose within and as myself the constructs of privacy where I accept and allow myself to go private, seeing realizing and understanding that through exposing my points of privacy I expose within me the points of not taking self responsibility for the fact I am part of a group.

Relationships as hiding places

Being alone in a relationship

The past few weeks I noticed a particular build up of anxiety, a restlessness. It all has to do with the fact that my daughter and ex girlfriend are going to move away. The new situation that will arise puts my whole life in a new perspective. In the near future I will be able to move again. I’m less bound to the triangle of family as it is located within the present boundaries.


The realisation

In other words, I’m not bound to were I am living anymore. In the future I don’t have to be the standby father anymore. At least not like it is today. Apart from feeling guilty, sad and sentimental after the news reached me I also became very restless. Why did this happen? Maybe it’s because nothing is holding me back from moving myself anymore. Am I afraid of moving myself? Is change that frightening to me? Come on I’m the daredevil, the danger seeker. What is going on here? Am I stuck in a construct that I don’t see? Where is this fear coming from?

To adress
If nothing is holding me back then it must be me that's holding me back. So that was a tough point because I apparently fuck up when it comes to self movement. As an example a big point I am starting to see is the way I locked myself up within relationships. Within relationships I stopped moving completely. Relationships became a lame excuse for the circumstances I was in. A lot of this was on a unconscious level but that's no excuse for not addressing what’s presenting itself here in the present.

Why we all want families
Within the system construct of a relationship the load is shared so to speak. Look around you and you will see that society as a whole is completely designed to facilitate and encourage relationships. Preferable ones that make money and produce children. Relationships as a place where one is not solely responsible. One goes to work or both 'partners' work and the 'load' is divided. We go to work, make  money and start consuming as we get consumed by daily live. We do our part in consuming like a ‘good’ family is supposed too adding to the immense cash flow generated by family. The average middle class family spends more than 2000 euro's a month! Do a little math on that and you will see why family is called "the cornerstone of society" In other words, family as the ultimate cash cow .

'Social' structures
When everything runs according to plan the ‘thing’ becomes a well oiled routine and everyone loves that because we fit in nicely with the rest. It’s fully understandable for everyone because we all know that it keeps everything in place. Running a family is one of the most time consuming things one can do, there you go.

So as families we all have the same subjects to chit chat about. Avoiding a big part of ourselves in the process. With colleagues, friends and family we share the same problems and we eat the same pancakes. Yeah ‘life’s a bitch’ and the weather sure is nice today. Sooner or later we all want to escape but no one can and we all accept this as reality. Eventually one is either in or out. Remember that when you are 'out', life becomes ridiculously complicated. Nothing seems to be 'designed' for the 'single' human being. The so called loner and his or her relationship too the rest. Why is it called "a social structure" when in fact not everyone is included?

A being in love
Looking at myself and my behaviour within relationships I began to see a pattern. Off coarse the starting point has always been a ‘physical’ one. A sex mate (Can we mate? Can we be mates?). This part normally went reasonably well until the initial energy of ‘sex’ and 'being in love' had to be transformed into a workable relationship. This is mostly the period where one starts touching subjects like, ‘living together’, ‘careers’, ‘work’ and ‘money’. Eventually it always boiled down to money and last but not least ‘children’. I always began to feel uncomfortable and restless when these subjects were addressed.

I wrote about this before but what is interesting and the question I asked myself was: Why did I get into relationships in the first place? I’m starting to see that I did this solely from the point of not having to be fully responsible for what would happen in my life. I would always be able too say ‘“we did” instead of “I did”. So this point had to do with taking self responsibility within all aspects of life. So apparently I didn’t see myself do this. That’s inferiority isn't it? Yes it is. I’m starting to realise that I used relationships and sex as the ultimate escape and hiding place for self responsibility.

As an example it explains why I like to be around children but never wanted them for myself. I always used financial security as an excuse. This is why I always wait for reality to become unbearable before I start to move. Only moving because it’s a necessity not because one want’s to move. It’s not moving but being moved. Exactly that. Being moved, being emotional. Being able to say, “the circumstances forced me to make this or that move”. It’s denying myself to step forward and make mistakes. I have to be perfect or hide my imperfections. Compensating inferiority with bravado and perfectionism. All out of fear. Fear of being judged by friends and family. Fear of failing within the system falling out of the system. Fear of simply being here as I am as me. No matter what...

Kinesiology
To test these points I went to my kinesiologist today and in order to give her some points to work with I called it “testing my mommy construct" because that’s what it is too me. It’s that point where one as a child takes a step outside the comfort zone knowing mommy is there to run back too when things go bad and having a father that's gently pushing this process. Showing you how to deal with reality and solve problems in a rational and effective way. Within this construct I'm starting too see where my behaviour originates from. The comfort of my childhood was probably a bit to comfy and looking back I always relied (too) heavily on my parents for support.

[marking this point for my next blog entry]

The muscle tests
After being testes for about an hour the following points opened up:

The air element: 
Self respect, shyness, confusion, awkwardness, puzzlement, distrust, success. Coming from a highly unstructured background and finding it extremely hard to cope with reality, seeing / understanding reality as a child and being overwhelmed by it.

Succes
Associating success with money, power and evil. Spiting it thus sabotaging success in this point for myself.

Polarity
Being indecisive wen confronted with polarity: Independence, independency. Being self-supportive, self-help. Also independence manifesting as an independent attitude activating abilities within seclusion. Standing independently. I climb this tree because no one can do it for me.

Self-restraint (the earth element)
Coping with morality issues within social groups. Insecurity becomes self-assertion. Overcompensating inferiority with perfectionism for example in sports or work. Being a daredevil. All from being up in the turbulent air of polarity instead of grounded in earth. No base to operate from. No me just projections.

Empathy
The spleen point (milt) - mildness, gentleness and self trust. It’s only possible to be gentle to others or express gentleness if one knows gentleness as an expression of self. Have I been gentle with myself? Did I give myself enough ‘credit’ for achievements I made in life? Also self intimacy (I see in to me). Being decisive and take action even when unsure about the predictability of the outcome (just move).

And so on
So again a lot of stuff to investigate and another small step in birthing myself as life from the physical. All is stored within the body. It’s there to support us in becoming who we really are as self. The older we get the more information is stored making it harder to change ourselves as time goes by. That's why Kinesiology is such a great tool. Instead of assuming stuff you are able to test things out in real time. It’s magnificent if one dares to go there. Being in process is the hardest thing I ever did. It’s also the only way of becoming who 'I' am by exposing what 'I' am not. The Desteni I process is the only tool in the world that's flawless when one decides to go 'there'. It's no easy road and it's the most confronting thing you will ever do. But if I can do this, you can.

So please investigate who you are and join us: http://desteniiprocess.com/