Relationships as hiding places

Being alone in a relationship

The past few weeks I noticed a particular build up of anxiety, a restlessness. It all has to do with the fact that my daughter and ex girlfriend are going to move away. The new situation that will arise puts my whole life in a new perspective. In the near future I will be able to move again. I’m less bound to the triangle of family as it is located within the present boundaries.


The realisation

In other words, I’m not bound to were I am living anymore. In the future I don’t have to be the standby father anymore. At least not like it is today. Apart from feeling guilty, sad and sentimental after the news reached me I also became very restless. Why did this happen? Maybe it’s because nothing is holding me back from moving myself anymore. Am I afraid of moving myself? Is change that frightening to me? Come on I’m the daredevil, the danger seeker. What is going on here? Am I stuck in a construct that I don’t see? Where is this fear coming from?

To adress
If nothing is holding me back then it must be me that's holding me back. So that was a tough point because I apparently fuck up when it comes to self movement. As an example a big point I am starting to see is the way I locked myself up within relationships. Within relationships I stopped moving completely. Relationships became a lame excuse for the circumstances I was in. A lot of this was on a unconscious level but that's no excuse for not addressing what’s presenting itself here in the present.

Why we all want families
Within the system construct of a relationship the load is shared so to speak. Look around you and you will see that society as a whole is completely designed to facilitate and encourage relationships. Preferable ones that make money and produce children. Relationships as a place where one is not solely responsible. One goes to work or both 'partners' work and the 'load' is divided. We go to work, make  money and start consuming as we get consumed by daily live. We do our part in consuming like a ‘good’ family is supposed too adding to the immense cash flow generated by family. The average middle class family spends more than 2000 euro's a month! Do a little math on that and you will see why family is called "the cornerstone of society" In other words, family as the ultimate cash cow .

'Social' structures
When everything runs according to plan the ‘thing’ becomes a well oiled routine and everyone loves that because we fit in nicely with the rest. It’s fully understandable for everyone because we all know that it keeps everything in place. Running a family is one of the most time consuming things one can do, there you go.

So as families we all have the same subjects to chit chat about. Avoiding a big part of ourselves in the process. With colleagues, friends and family we share the same problems and we eat the same pancakes. Yeah ‘life’s a bitch’ and the weather sure is nice today. Sooner or later we all want to escape but no one can and we all accept this as reality. Eventually one is either in or out. Remember that when you are 'out', life becomes ridiculously complicated. Nothing seems to be 'designed' for the 'single' human being. The so called loner and his or her relationship too the rest. Why is it called "a social structure" when in fact not everyone is included?

A being in love
Looking at myself and my behaviour within relationships I began to see a pattern. Off coarse the starting point has always been a ‘physical’ one. A sex mate (Can we mate? Can we be mates?). This part normally went reasonably well until the initial energy of ‘sex’ and 'being in love' had to be transformed into a workable relationship. This is mostly the period where one starts touching subjects like, ‘living together’, ‘careers’, ‘work’ and ‘money’. Eventually it always boiled down to money and last but not least ‘children’. I always began to feel uncomfortable and restless when these subjects were addressed.

I wrote about this before but what is interesting and the question I asked myself was: Why did I get into relationships in the first place? I’m starting to see that I did this solely from the point of not having to be fully responsible for what would happen in my life. I would always be able too say ‘“we did” instead of “I did”. So this point had to do with taking self responsibility within all aspects of life. So apparently I didn’t see myself do this. That’s inferiority isn't it? Yes it is. I’m starting to realise that I used relationships and sex as the ultimate escape and hiding place for self responsibility.

As an example it explains why I like to be around children but never wanted them for myself. I always used financial security as an excuse. This is why I always wait for reality to become unbearable before I start to move. Only moving because it’s a necessity not because one want’s to move. It’s not moving but being moved. Exactly that. Being moved, being emotional. Being able to say, “the circumstances forced me to make this or that move”. It’s denying myself to step forward and make mistakes. I have to be perfect or hide my imperfections. Compensating inferiority with bravado and perfectionism. All out of fear. Fear of being judged by friends and family. Fear of failing within the system falling out of the system. Fear of simply being here as I am as me. No matter what...

Kinesiology
To test these points I went to my kinesiologist today and in order to give her some points to work with I called it “testing my mommy construct" because that’s what it is too me. It’s that point where one as a child takes a step outside the comfort zone knowing mommy is there to run back too when things go bad and having a father that's gently pushing this process. Showing you how to deal with reality and solve problems in a rational and effective way. Within this construct I'm starting too see where my behaviour originates from. The comfort of my childhood was probably a bit to comfy and looking back I always relied (too) heavily on my parents for support.

[marking this point for my next blog entry]

The muscle tests
After being testes for about an hour the following points opened up:

The air element: 
Self respect, shyness, confusion, awkwardness, puzzlement, distrust, success. Coming from a highly unstructured background and finding it extremely hard to cope with reality, seeing / understanding reality as a child and being overwhelmed by it.

Succes
Associating success with money, power and evil. Spiting it thus sabotaging success in this point for myself.

Polarity
Being indecisive wen confronted with polarity: Independence, independency. Being self-supportive, self-help. Also independence manifesting as an independent attitude activating abilities within seclusion. Standing independently. I climb this tree because no one can do it for me.

Self-restraint (the earth element)
Coping with morality issues within social groups. Insecurity becomes self-assertion. Overcompensating inferiority with perfectionism for example in sports or work. Being a daredevil. All from being up in the turbulent air of polarity instead of grounded in earth. No base to operate from. No me just projections.

Empathy
The spleen point (milt) - mildness, gentleness and self trust. It’s only possible to be gentle to others or express gentleness if one knows gentleness as an expression of self. Have I been gentle with myself? Did I give myself enough ‘credit’ for achievements I made in life? Also self intimacy (I see in to me). Being decisive and take action even when unsure about the predictability of the outcome (just move).

And so on
So again a lot of stuff to investigate and another small step in birthing myself as life from the physical. All is stored within the body. It’s there to support us in becoming who we really are as self. The older we get the more information is stored making it harder to change ourselves as time goes by. That's why Kinesiology is such a great tool. Instead of assuming stuff you are able to test things out in real time. It’s magnificent if one dares to go there. Being in process is the hardest thing I ever did. It’s also the only way of becoming who 'I' am by exposing what 'I' am not. The Desteni I process is the only tool in the world that's flawless when one decides to go 'there'. It's no easy road and it's the most confronting thing you will ever do. But if I can do this, you can.

So please investigate who you are and join us: http://desteniiprocess.com/