Getting rich quick...

I’m getting to much money
Yesterday I was confronted with the fact that a customer paid me to much money over the course of 2010-2011. It was a large amount of money. Because this took place over a two year period I somehow didn’t notice. I had an immediate emotional response to it. It was like an electric discharge in my stomach. It was fear. I took a deep breath and applied self forgiveness immediately. However while I was investigating the payments made over the last two years and seeing the consequences on my financial situation, I became very unstable. I had a lot of trouble remaining here and to keep breathing. Panic related to money. Fear of money. The moneypoint. Reality as it is. This brings me to my daughter. My ex is going to move and my role as a father is going to be reduced and removed to the background almost completely. There is not much I can do and I see it’s pointless to object towards this point. ‘life” goes on’. I’m the father of a child so this situation is self created. Nevertheless I had a very strong emotional response to this event and a lot of points opened up.

No kidding
I like to be around children more than crown ups. It’s been like that for all my life. But in all the relationships I had I always avoided the point of having children. Looking back in self honesty it had to do with ‘responsibility’. It had to do with ‘money’. I managed to get around in ‘life’ when it came to money but I never felt ‘confident’ in this point. As I have stated before when I introduced myself on the Desteni forum. What’s my biggest fear? It’s money. So when the point of having children was discussed in relationships I always associated it with ‘financial responsibility’. That’s not unrealistic because having a child means taking responsibility. It’s a commitment for ‘life’. I brought this point up several times in relationships and as result the relationships always ended soon after. My ex partners never considered money a valid argument for not having children which is proof to me that having children is a preprogrammed thing. My arguments where often dismissed completely which blew my mind. Knowing I would get these results when I brought them up, I started to avoid this subject every time it came up. I was never self honest when it came to this point so there was a huge amount of backchat towards my partners. Hence the baby that came... What does this imply within the system? I refused to have children because I was to afraid to take responsibility for the moneypoint. I don’t ‘trust’ myself within this point. And so a whole pattern opens up. I don’t want to be the provider of money. I’m refusing to take on the role of the ‘man’ of the house. The god of life and death. The giver and taker. The reason for this has nothing to do with being noble or ethical. It’s simply fear.

Backtracking
Ok, the pattern as I see it at the moment starts with my family. My basic program and in this case my ‘father figure’. My father was always there as ‘the provider’. He provided the money, entertainment for me my brother and my ‘friends’. He also had ‘issues’ for a period of time. In that period I was about six years old. So there must have been a lot of suppression and friction between him and my mother. His struggle became my struggle. ‘The sins of the fathers’. Another point is that our family DNA, the bloodline is ‘disrupted’. One part of my family was ‘poor’. The disrupted part comes from a very rich industrial patriarch. Must be on my DNA as well. This also makes sense from a parental perspective. My father raised me with a mix of 60’s, sharing, peace, love, Marxist, social reform, utopian concepts. Coming from a suppressed catholic postwar 50’s environment this must have been hugely conflicting for him. To the outside it was always love and peace. So what was on the inside? I’m starting to see that more clearly after his recent heart attack. If confronted with his own suppression he immediately responds in defence and aggressively?

Now looking at myself and how it relates back to my definition of our family construct. I rebelled against my father’s views immensely. I remember an evening where I hysterically said to my parents “you are nothing more then my biological procreators”. They where off course shocked to the bone and I created another pattern of guild to deal with. Looking at it from the present perspective I saw it exactly as it is. Matrix wise there is nothing wrong with the way I was parented though. My parents never physically abused me and I was raised according to the time frame. The way I grew up matched the 60’s-70’s matrix like a glove. Express yourself, peace, love and freedom. I belong to generation X. The children without a clue. Fuck you very much lol.

Getting slapped
As an adolescent I was convinced that my parents didn’t understand a rats ass about the workings of the world. Especially when it came to money. How could they ignore the thing that in my eyes ruled everything in this world. I saw that without money there was no room to move in this world. So I thought that having money would mean freedom. I made a naive decision to get rich. I remember making a contract with my best friend that was signed in blood by the both of us. It stated that if we weren’t rich at the age of twenty five or so, we would rob a bank or do anything to get rich so we would never have to work again. I have seen it all as a child. How did I cope with this? How can a child cope with this shit? It can’t. I remember seeing the movie ‘the wall’ by Pink Floyd. I was around seventeen. It changed everything. It opened my eyes to the workings of this world and the influence family has. It was a shocking experience because I met reality for the first time as a physical experience of myself and how I had defined myself in this world. I couldn’t deal with it. It was the truth and I faced it. So round about that time the white light must have intervened lol.

Going in
I started looking for answers, solutions. It can’t be that ‘dark can it?’. So the ‘light versus dark’ polarity introduced itself. I started reading Hesse. Studied Prabupada’s version of the Gita, vedic scriptures and occult history. I started to believe in God and Karma. I embraced the world as it was and I tried to accept it as it was. So I got a job and I worked. Started a company with my best friend and we went bankrupt. I worked and worked. But something was not ‘right’. It just didn’t ad up. I kept seeing these glitches in the matrix but they where subliminal. I had relationships and they broke up. And in those times of depression I always studied the mystery and wisdom ‘religions’. I did Yoga, studied Chakra psychology with Shyam Bhatnagar, did purifications. I studied the teachings of Yogananda, Kriya Yoga, Babaji, Edgar Cayce, Quantum mechanics, Bohr, Sheldrake, Hawking and last but not least the Theosophical teachings of Helena Blavatsky’s ‘Secret Doctrine’. That one was an eye opener because it stated that in order to understand you should read it as a dream. So I did and I did it several times. And then I got into a relationship with a ‘free’ evangelical Christian’? We had sex and because we didn’t use birth control she became pregnant.

“To the unmarried and to the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do”. 
(1 Corinthians 7:8)

So me and how I defined myself in this world got exactly to the preprogrammed point before I found out how the shit actually worked in this world. Fucked myself in polarity with money, accepted and allowed myself to bring a baby into the system. Scared shitless for the responsibilty as a father, a man, head of the house and provider of money. It was done, I was done. This was around 2003. Just had a burn out, I was going to lose my job, had to sell my houseboat, find a new house that was big enough for 3 persons. I was in a relationship without a future. At that point in ‘life’ (hell) I completely gave up on myself and I went into complete denial, suppression, depression whatever. I was a goner.

If I would have been self honest at that time I would have seen that these two believe systems could never sustain a relationship. It would never work because the starting point was not equal, not compatible and thus impossible. The child was born and our relationship ended. And what did I do after relationships fell? White light religious bullshit! O yeah. In deep depression full of self pity I start reading the Secret Doctrine again looking for fucking answers. I was desperate for answers and determined to find them. So for a period of about 3 months I was reading and studying every day till my brain was fried. The Doctrine has a strong connection with Kriya Yoga so I finally gave in and found the Hamsa’s that followed Kriya Yoga master Gurunath. Love and peace again. Seeking guidance outside myself.

Conclusion
The full denial of self responsibility and what I have manifested in this world. My world, our world. I was seriously considering leaving everything behind. Fuck everything and everyone in the name of our dear lord = money. I completely gave up on myself and became completely robotic.

This was the ‘deep’ point I had to reach to find out what it means to be a ‘human’ being. To ‘be’ in this world. What this world implies and especially what the consequences are for our children and the children not yet born. I honestly don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t found Desteni.

Nobody goes to hell we-are-all ready in hell. And who creates this hell? Who is god? Who is the creator? Who is the creature(s) that create? We are. I am So in order to bring change we change. I change. I stop. I breath. I forgive myself for I am the only one who can. I birth myself from the physical as life, one and equal with life. Heaven on earth. Whatever it takes I will myself to get it done. Fuck all prayers.