The ‘Being’ and the baby...

Trigger

Yesterday it became official that my ex girlfriend and my daughter are going to move to a different city in Germany. The past six and a half years my daughter grew up to be a well-spoken little girl that I saw nearly every week. The physical distance between us was a little half hour by car. This will now increase too about 2 hours (if there are no traffic jams in the ‘ruhr area’ in germany). It doesn’t take a scientist to see the implications this will have on my relationship with my daughter. Everything is going to change from seeing each other on a regular basis to the holidays and long weekends. That’s off coarse on paper because depending on how my work (financial) situation will develop there is no telling if I can make myself available during all the school holidays they have in Germany. So to keep it short, a big point fell through in my life. I can finally start dealing with that point as what I manifested in this reality as fatherhood. The developing situation confronts me with the question of fatherhood in the broader perspective of not being physically on call. I’m removed to the background of the parental/family structure and through that experience points are opening up. These points where hidden so I will try to expand on that.

Consequences

My ex and I never planned for children so that rabbit hole became rather deep for us to navigate. The pregnancy came about due to the simple fact that neither one of us took the responsibilty for ‘birth control’. So we both accepted and allowed ourself to create the reality we face at the moment. It’s the ‘painful’ truth about what I allowed to manifested in this reality. I’m now becoming a symbol I used to despite. My backchat comes up with things like: A father in the distance. A father in the background, never there when I needed you, he lives in Holland and I seldom see him. It’s one of my worst nightmares and it’s manifesting in reality as we speak. Never ever would I see myself here the way it turned out. I look at my thoughts and emotions and the whole spectrum is opening up. Guild, defeat, loss, responsibilty, self judgement. The list is endless. But the situation is irreversible and was always in the back of my mind. A side effect thereof was that I somehow never dared to completely attach myself emotionally to my daughter out of fear of becoming completely lamed the moment this situation would present itself.

I will have to expand on this in a dedicated post because our actions dictate this reality. I'm facing my actions. The consequences are here and they are as real as it gets.

No ego no friction

Looking at the way my daughter and I interact I wonder what the outcome would be if she would experience me having an ‘emotional’ breakdown right now. If I wouldn’t be in ‘process’, facing myself from a different perspective my reaction to this situation would definitively be more emotional. Would that serve my daughter? I don’t think so. So from a starting point of ‘what’s best for all’ the decision to move is fully acceptable. My ex needs a steady job with a ‘future’. Her family will be close by so she will have a platform of support. These factors are not here at the moment so from that perspective I think things are simply moving where they have to move within the system. Financial stability and building a career. Stability it’s as simple as that. Who am I to disrupt this flow of events. It would be an utterly egocentric manifestation to go into this ‘separated father’ construct and create an emotional mess for myself. This is a typical make or brake situation where one either looses it or walks the path of change. It’s very well possible that this experience will open up more points. I will face them and share them in this blog. For now I have to breath, forgive myself and walk a lot of corrections. Which brings me to the next point.

Applying myself

This means taking everybody in this process in to consideration and walk in the best interest of all. Sounds simple but I find it rather difficult. I don’t find it simple although the equation might be. Taking everything in consideration means being aware of what to take in to consideration. ‘All’ is quite extensive to take into consideration. A vast perspective. A thick jungle of thoughts I get lost inn. This is where I ran into a brick wall yesterday and it triggered a lot of back chat. There was this voice that said “you’re fired”... At that moment looking at that point all emotional hell broke loose. I experienced all those moments in my life where I was in front of another person telling me I could start cleaning up my desk. Saying good by to friends and colleagues. Going trough the phase of loss, humiliation, self-defeat, shame, anger, spitefulness, ignorance, depression, money etc. For anyone who’s ever worked in one place for a prolonged period of time and was sagged, you now the drill.

Was es ist...

In the end it’s all ego of the mind. Self definitions. What I accepted and allowed in my life is what is manifested as me. This is just another outflow of that equation. Why did this point come up. What is there to take from what I see here? What’s the pattern? It’s me accepting and allowing myself to create consequence, have opinions and rebel against the system. But the moment that system gives me resistance I don’t push myself trough. It’s me going into denial and self pity instead of standing up, face the consequences and walk a correction. I start to see why I have great difficulties when it comes to getting in gear. Because I don’t. It’s the superego telling me I’m not to blame. It’s a construct of superiority towards people and situations. I’m special. Somehow the rules of the group don’t apply to me. Strangely enough I experience these moments as fear and inferiority. ‘What’s the use’. ‘It won’t work anyway’. I allow myself to become sad and depressed because ‘I just got fired’. It’s the ego given justification to open up my emotional box of pandora and the whole program can start from scratch.

See what condition my condition is in

If I wouldn’t have been in the Desteni ‘I’ Process being where I am and looking at it from the perspective of oneness and equality, well what can I say. It would have been another energetic experience fuelling the intense bitterness that has been accumulating inside me over time. The projection of that bitterness towards this reality and especially myself has been the cause of countless fuckups that prevented me from simply being ‘successful’. It’s all the things I didn’t want to face in my life? The words I didn’t want to hear or speak. The projects that where cancelled. The jobs I lost. The challenges I didn’t take. The ‘relationships’ that fell. All because I became instable because of this bitterness. So it’s up to me to look at what I try to avoid in this world? What is it that I don’t want to acknowledge within me, my self definitions? How come I never appreciated myself as the things I expressed or achieved as a child the way my daughter is doing right now? So in walking this process all that walk have to be taken in to consideration. It means pushing myself in every second every breath. Can I do it? Hell, I don’t know but I’m trying like never before.