So far so...

Writing about experiences
It has been about a year since I found myself reading the first lines on the Desteni website. After about six months I started writing about myself in what was at that moment a ‘closed’ blog. It was a test to see what would happen if I started writing about my daily life from the perspective of an observer. Exposing my secret mind. Listening to those silent voices that never seem to shut up and are always there to influence everything I do. An observer that would remain neutral and without judgement.

The 'power' of thought
I was in for a lot of surprises. First of all was the shock of thoughts. Typing words is one thing but writing about my own experience and actually not knowing what they represent created sort of a vortex that made writing increasingly difficult. The thing is that I had to describe how I felt as myself going trough the process of stopping my mind. The same mind that produces the words that I’m typing. The more I wrote the more questions about myself arose. I was confronted with shocks, fears and huge depressions. I mean let’s be self honest here. Finally seeing the fact that this world is not created equal because I’m the one creating it is something different. Speak to your family or your friends and they all agree. Yes, it’s a fuck up. The world is not fair. But we all forget to remember who we are in this equation and ‘fair’ simply doesn’t exist. It’s a concept a word. It’s not lived so it’s never real. If we remain of thoughts if that’s who we are than we are thinking it up. It’s a dream, it’s in our heads. Reality should be ‘out there’ so I have to be ‘out there’.

Taking it in
We are the ‘it’, god, ‘we’ are the creators of this world. This means including me! Now who want’s to admit anything of this size to him or herself let alone take responsibility for it? No one does including me. The world seems too big to fit in my head and every time I tried to push myself through the huge resistance I just went into denial. This morality thing totally fucked me up. OK, admitting it is one thing but convincing my own ego to take a step back and shut the fuck up is something else. Nearly everything that happens to me in daily life is accompanied by justification, judgement, guild and especially morality.

Becoming aware
The moment I realized that it was me and only me who is responsible for what happens in my life and therefore in the world was the worst experience in my life. I created an ego that defined me in this world. Everything I did and all the consequences that followed. It was all me. Every time I pondered about my mind I had to keep re-minding myself that the thing that was pondering was the same mind I had to stop. I had sleepless night’s where I would be in bed just staring at the sealing watching this ongoing stream of thoughts, images and emotions that came with them. The only word I had for it was ‘lunacy’.

The Desteni ‘I’ Process
Over the last year I became aware of a lot of things but the most important one was that ‘this process’ cannot be walked alone. It only works when it is shared. You need a platform and people that operate from the same starting point. This starting point is principle based. One and equal. No room for argument or abuse that is ego based. Now this principle was quite clear to me. It was also a wake up call for my ego that had to spring into action like never before trying to convince me I was about to commit social suicide. This was when I decided too share my writings by going public with this blog. Next thing was my Facebook page. The moment I started posting Desteni stuff I noticed that responses dropped significantly. Somehow my facebookfriends didn’t seem interested or didn’t want to be associated with the messages that where posted. In order to get myself going I decided to start the Desteni Inroduction Course now called the Desteni ‘I’ Process. I was very reluctant because of my difficulties with the English and Desteni language. I had and still have difficulties getting trough the words. I had a lot of trouble getting trough the assignments up till now. Partly because I didn’t asked for support. I felt almost guilty to do so. When I finally did it was OK though.


Changes
I was shocked several times by the forces that where present inside my body. Forces I never imagined. After a year in this process things are slowly but surely starting to change. There was and still is a lot of resistance. The mind doesn’t want to give up. It’s programmed not to do so. The moment I started to stop and look at my thoughts my mind went bananas. Stopping and breathing had an immediate and very unpleasant effect on my body. It often feels like my body is being torn into pieces. I addressed this with homeopathy and Kinesiology and I’m starting to feel the effects. I’m more stable and there is less anxiety. This also has to do with the fact that I have a little time on my hands at the moment. But that will change soon because of the fact that one cannot live without money. Money means time and that is something I would like too have more of. It takes a lot of time. Yes, the only thing I can do is to stop and just breath. I’m absolutely in awe about my experiences with breathing. I’m starting to see the simplicity of the process. Just grind it. Stick to the principle. Stop-hold tight, hold still-breath as long as it takes. It fucking works. OK it’s not without a ‘bit’ of physical discomfort but what’s there to loose? Interesting question. If you are reading this and If you have ever asked yourself what the purpose of you being here is... Well the only humble word of advice I would give you is to start writing like I did. Because you are not what you ‘think’ you are.