Day-023-E-value ate the money

I was looking at some of my experiences over the past week. A week that was filled with ridiculous deadlines, stress, irritation, tiredness, confusion, suppression and lunacy. All because the money has to flow to a specific point more than to another. Its kind of mathematical and I'm not talking about the whole planet although exactly the same thing is happening on a macroeconomic scale and because I am a participant I'm confronted with the 'value for money discussion' on a minute to minute bases.

I make money so I'm a cost point. One of many that causes stress. That's what money does and it's measured in space and time. I'm confronted with this principle within almost every decision I make during my day, in fact all people are. Even the ones that have no money are part of the 'deal'.

So like the ones before me I accept the shite as part of the package and although it has always bugged the fucking hell out of me I was somehow able to suppress the anger and frustration with lot's of distraction in the form of so called free time and entertainment. That pattern however is kind of changing as my Facebook page illustrates.

The past always visits me as I find myself in doubt during my projects. This week I got a vivid perspective of myself within and as the patterns I exist as 'personally and professionally'. I had a few volcanic moments and at one point. I snapped and allowed myself to become completely possessed by anger and frustration. It was not a pleasant experience. It disgusts me to find myself in that total possession and looking back I can see that trying to avoid the experience is one of the reasons I have lost or quit jobs in the past.

This week like so many before felt like being submerged in energy and I couldn't earth myself to remove the static. It's like I see myself go I know what will follow but I'm unable to change direction. It's almost like an addiction. No, it is an addiction it's a pattern *flag point. It's knowing only one way and being to scared to even think of another that's it. Today as I finally take this moment for myself to put one and two in perspective where I'm cleaning up my house, doing the laundry, walking the dog and I become aware of my body as this collection of tension is when I realize I'm actually the sum of my the parts that make up the equation.

This is my fucking value for money!

It would be extremely funny if it wasn't killing us. All this tension because we have bills to pay. Slowly cannibalizing myself as the days pas by. And it hit me today that it makes sense. What Value? From every purchase or every sum of money spent. Value for money is based not only on the minimum purchase price but also on the maximum efficiency and effectiveness of the purchase. The interesting question however should be, what is our 'valuepoint' of reference regarding value that is permanently changing according to our own preprogrammed behavior? In other words my unstoppable appetite to have more than others. I am part of the fucking feedback loop. I'm feeding the monster by my own participation. Ah it's genius we all faced the same question. Stand or deliver? We all deliver and fall collectively for the highest bidder which is our own mind.

There is no value and that's why it is what it is. Even if my life would be that of luxury and splendor there would be no value because value is created in the mind and that can't be done without creating debt. From my perceptive it explains the way I experience myself within my work. I do not dare to say professional career because what is a professional standard? It is part of the same value system that is part of the money system and if you have the whole of humanity including myself trying to buy more for less this is what you get. Over time no value was created we only created debt so I have no value only debt and it's so huge I can only pretend it does not exist and deny its existence because facing my responsibility within it is just to big and to shameful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by energy because I did not give myself clarity within the chaos surrounding my professional activities over the past week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic instead of getting a clear perspective on the impossibilities of the work that had to be done within the given amount of time and take self responsibility within communicating these points clearly and effectively with all people involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not place myself within strict boundaries regarding my priorities and to be realistic about what can be done and not be done and communicate that, taking into consideration that the reaction I get might not be a pleasant one seeing realizing that placing boundaries will always cause someone somewhere to hit the fence within that I see realize and understand that I'm not responsible for the way people deal with their emotions and that it's not my responsibility to have all the answers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that one of my tasks is to alway be clear within my communication because without clear communication on my part there can only be assumptions that become projections regarding me and the status of my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my work loose my professional stance



http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-008-Advanced negotiating skills and the road to succes

(talking to much part II) 

So I'm looking at this possession where I start to talk and talk and talk. A simple question like; "is it raining outside?" will become a speech about low pressure zones and humidity. Talking for the sake of talking. Where I miss a point and allow myself to start making this horrible noise and drift off into this strange dimension spewing out knowledge and information causing the weather to change.

All this chaos  instead of saying; "yes it's raining outside".

I know someone who's infected with the same virus and what I observe with him is that this mechanism of talking to much kicks in the moment he's not getting attention or cannot participate within the conversation because the subject is unknown. He sees this is happening but he cannot help himself. He will interrupt, change the subject and start blabbering exactly like I do. I'm accepting and allowing myself to be overruled by emotions of inferiority and self doubt which triggers this pattern where my mind will find a source of knowledge and information related to the subject and start spewing out words. These are batlle raps coming from the ego where I claim all the space not allowing the other person to just be. In fact ignoring the person the moment I start to rant. Not taking the person into consideration what so ever. My gift to humanity becomes this blabbering personality. WTF part II.

In a nutshell this is what I observe within myself. A mechanism to focus attention on myself with no reason other than getting attention and this process is so automated that I become the talk I talk. It's an energy addiction manifesting itself as verbal diarrhea It happens regardless of the consequences and it fuck's up important moments in my life because I cannot be effective within communicating myself. It limits me within everything because it's fucking up my communication completely; a point that really counts in a world of money and information. I see that being able to have a conversation that stays on track and to the point and that not wastes time thus money is key in this world we live in at the moment. From whatever perspective I'm looking at it it's stupid and it has to stop. I commit myself to slow this process down and stop myself participating within this construct of talking to much.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste other peoples time spewing out verbal diarrhea as knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself as I start to talk to much and spew out useless knowledge and information

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to present a enhanced picture of myself in order to be perceived as something I am not, realizing that I do this out of inferiority where I allow shyness to become verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to what to give a perfect presentation of myself realizing seeing and understanding that I have no definition of perfection and whatever I do It would be a projection thus not real

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realize and understand that perfection is a physical process and not something the mind can produce

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a screw up because I failed to present the perfect picture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe something like a perfect picture could exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed seeing myself within this repeating pattern of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bad performer seeing realizing and understanding that it's the very act of acting and playing out re-acting to my own energy that is the cause for ending up in this painful situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself as inferior for having self doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the surge of energy that came up as enthusiasm while talking to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to switch into or accept another personality to possess me completely within and as the point of talking to much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of going into the old pattern of talking to much because I fear the unknown within as a new expression of silence within me

Day 002-Irritated

The point that really stood out today was irritation. I accepted and allowed myself to become irritated. Irritation creates a lot of friction so I really sabotaged myself today. I'm not working at home at the moment. I'm on location and so is my equipment. Today felt like everything was amplified. Noise was louder, light was brighter and time seemed to move faster. I'm now well into the fourth week of being fully emerged in quite stressful work with permanent deadlines and impulses around me.

It's interesting to observe the impact this bowl of energy around me is having on me. It's permeating my skin. Sometimes I can even feel temperature changes in my skin. I cannot run from it or shield myself against it. The combination of work and keeping stable as breath is something I have yet to master. Its like swimming where I have moments on the surface and then it's back down and being submerged in work to get shit done. In the process this pattern is becoming visible. It's an old pattern. It's the nine to nine pattern I had for a long time where I in the morning kind of merge with my work and the computer programs and come out of this trip at around nine o clock at night within this energetic buzz.

I'm working and my head will start spinning, my body is tensed up, my breathing is higher and last but not least there is this luring feeling of irritation. Its like being hooked with a thousand hooks and hanged from the ceiling. Locked into my place behind the computer calibrated to spin with the system and produce output. Feeling that whole energetic buzz creeping in and slowly eating me up. Today around 16.00 hours I couldn't keep my eyes open. I wanted to get out, go home get air but I couldn't because I have an agreement with myself to not give into resistance. And this was resistance for sure. It came to a point where I felt so tired I wanted to lay myself down on the floor. I knew it had to be resistance. My mind was looking for back doors to get me out and presenting me with this tiredness was one of them. It worked great because I really felt like I was done. At that moment my brother (who's also there) said "stop, let's play"

If you wonder why a lot of advertising agencies have soccer tables. It's because of this point. It's a means to an end. You go to the table and you simply create a shortcut to silence the mind through playing a fierce physical game of table soccer. So that's what I did and it helped me create that little space from where I was able to become stable and get my shit done. It's always the obvious shit that I miss indeed. So here is a great tip. In case of mental sabotage presenting itself as resistance were one becomes tired. Stop and do something physical. Jump, trow a ball, walk or ride a bike. It works!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by giving into resistance presented by my mind as tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink more coffee than I had agreed upon with myself making it harder to remain stable within breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give my body the sleep it needed last night resulting in a less stable thus not preferable situation where I support myself by doing my work efficiently thus saving time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and expressing that irritation orally thereby making others part of my problem which is unacceptable as I should be an example as movement. Whereby I'm moving myself trough those particular points of resistance without any drama or emotion thus not giving the ego of the mind what it wants which is self limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself as judging myself as incompetent or not capable of changing my behavior that presented itself as tiredness at the same time realising this tiredness was resistance

How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message?

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, december 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God… and where can you go from there? 

"Al Pacino in the Devils Advocate"

I used to believe monsters where hiding under my bed (they actually did). I believed my father was the smartest man in the world and my mother the sweetest mom. I believed I could run as fast as the six million dollar man and that my sword fights were as impressive as those of Rutger Hauer. I believed I could climb like a monkey. Those kind of things I checked out for myself. I would discover quickly if what I believed was true or false simply by going trough the experience.

Learning and getting educated is how I learned to make believe. Getting to know the way things work in the world not why. Learning the basics of the system and getting my brains washed like the religious rituals I had to participate within as a child. I prayed the holy father a lot of times not knowing what the hell I was saying. School started the big load down. The 'god' seed was planted early and I was on my way in the garden of eden.

At some point I gave up. The statement could have been like this. I will bow and accept your world. I will believe what you tell me and try to do as you say. I will go down your road of believes and perceptions. I will climb your tree of knowledge and information. I will not resist the fact you institutionalize me. I will go to your schools. I will form relationships as seen on TV. I will eat sleep and work the way you do to the best of my abilities. I will try my best to play along the personality games. I will forget who I was, were I came from and I will try not ask too many questions. I will probably reproduce and teach my children to do the same. Now leave me alone and let me suppress myself.

I believed in god, Jezus, 'my homeboys', punk, anarchy, violence, deception, manipulation, girls, sex, drugs, sport, addictions, friendship, good, bad, positive, negative, prophets, avatars, light, energy, holographic universes, new age, old school, quantum mechanics, love, spirituality, ascension, meditation, yoga, mystery schools, sufism, veda's, budism, theosophy, etc. etc. I did a fair share of searching for truth and did not avoid certain experiences if you know what I mean. It's a long story.

'How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message?' It implies that one cannot hear the message. You have to be 'Able' first before you can hear. Interesting. Sounds almost religious doesn't it? How I was Abel and Cain was not. I have been searching for so called 'truth' all my life. I wanted to understand God, this world, myself, my parents, friends, humanity. My place in the universe. There had to be a code or a message fore nothing made sense except chaos. I had to believe in a A God because it gave me something abstract outside myself. Something bigger than me. I 'fell' in love with al my knowledge and I started to build a hell of an ego to manage all that self-love that was so abundantly flowing from within me. 

I used to be convinced there where great 'mystical' powers working for me in the realms of this world. I was spiritual, physical, healthy, sporty and one 'fine' day I had this out of body, kundalini, whatever the fuck you want to call it experience where reality sort of expanded into this timeless holographic white light. I was without form or sense of time. Oh It was so 'life changing and overwhelming'. Beyond words and al that other bullshit definitions that come out when I become possessed and cannot voice myself. 

Interesting I said, "I Wanted to understand God" which implies I didn't. I apparently allowed myself to switch believes from one moment to the next without taking any 'self'-responsibility for it? And we all do this. We all walk this earth projecting bullshit at each other thus making the world a projection of ourselves as that ever changing bullshit we are as our minds. Reality has become a self created concept of chaos and destruction and I kept on blaming others for it. Humanity has become brand names, brand value, loyalty and believe-systems. An infinite loop of advertisements for limitations we accept as our reality. I know one or two things about advertising and I can tell you "reality is worse than you think". What makes me hear the Desteni message? Seeing myself as part of reality is one of the points.

This reality is All Dollah. Allāhu akbar. God is great from the moment time began and our innocent ego's started battling for supremacy. You don't have to be 'intelligent' or 'enlightened' to see this shit. Just look around? It's written in history as our children are taught. It's programmed into every molecule we genetically alter. Unfortunately or in other words us, another fortune later. Truth stares us in the face all the time. 

Someone asked me to take that honest look. Who is God in this world? What creates this world? So I looked from all perspectives and all the viewpoints showed me money. So yeah well eh, money does! Since time began the only thing we do is battle for more. And if money rules the world instead of God  then where is God? And if god is not here then what the fuck happened in heaven? Time to find some answers.

I started investigating Desteni. That's what I did. Try to find the flaws. Assume the worst. It's a cult. A bunch of brilliant freaks. They are on the internet so if anything, they will be exposed. However the more I investigated the more I was blown away by the rawness and honesty I faced. Real People, real names sharing themselves, exposing their secret mind shit openly for all to see and learn. Never in my whole life did I encounter this overwhelming raw honesty as it was shared amongst Destonians. It was confronting and almost scary. I was blown away. This was historic. Why doesn't the whole world now about this? Where was the media? Like I said; reality is worse than we think. Loosing all religion made me feel rather exposed. Naked as you will. Loosing all self definition is not a comfy happening. My realizations where mindblowing. I was able to Hear the Desteni Message because I saw that there is one 'simple' principle that rules them 'all'. 

- 1 principle beyond, separation, beyond religion, science and money

- 1 principle to base all our thoughts on

- 1 principle to base all our actions on 

- 1 principle without exclusivity, without ego

- 1 principle that includes all and thus = best for all

- 1 principle as the solution to the cause of our problem which is separation

- 1 principle that forces one to be self honest and take self responsibility 

As al the 'prophets said "Love thy neighbor". The principle of Equality stands as the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so fuck me god. This principle made me hear the Destine message. None are free until all are free. How can I accept anything else?

How can I accept myself within separation within believes, religion. My relyons. Seeing that the principle of equality implies 'all' is hard to grasp at times. It's also simple. Creation=All=Equal or nobody is. It implies a lot because it implies all of us. Total transformation. The system has a word to counteract the fact you might realize we as humanity have an option. That word is 'utopia'. The amount of hate that is projected towards Desteni is fascinating and proves beyond doubt that there is something happening. People react very strangely to the truth. I said it before, reality is worse than your nightmares. 

I'm walking with Desteni for about 2 years now. Having applied the tools I have for instance been able to stop addictions like weed and smoking. I have seen myself existing as thoughts emotions and feelings unable to control myself at the same time realizing it's not me. I'm not these thoughts emotions and feelings. I got myself out of a seriously deep depression without consulting a doctor or therapist. I was only using the tools Desteni presents. I pushed myself more than I can ever remember doing. I got a very refreshing look into the world of relationships and sex. I'm becoming more and more aware of my ego as the mind trying to tear me apart. Never silent always on as this is a process within every breath.

I continue to walk and fall. To stand up again and slowly discover who I really am as Life. I script myself and push myself to walk myself into a human being that will honor Life as the physical. Here in every moment asking myself time and time again. Am I here?

The world will wake up to the Desteni message, It's not how it's when. Destonians show the effectiveness of the tools that are shared and researched within thousands of blogs and vlogs. No pseudo's, all under real names for you to read and investigate because we don't want to lose the precious time we have. We all go or no go...

Desteni is the real deal but don’t believe a word I'm saying! Investigate for yourself. I dare you to ask the questions you never dared to ask. See fore yourself that love is not all that matters but all matter or love does not exist!

The deadliest bullet ever made

12 21 12, 2012, 21 december 12, dec 12 2012, deceber 12 2011, december 12 doomsday, december 21 2012.

I came across this picture and it stopped me in my tracks. What a fascinating picture it is. Who is that rich man? Does he have a name? How did he get rich? Why is he fighting a war? What are his mission objectives? Who is he paying? What party’s are involved and do they have rules of engagement? Is it a dirty war? A clean war? What’s in it for him? Does it fucking matter?

If I where a rich man?
Men that experienced the horrors of war realising that they where killing for money. A demonstration and a claim that says “we won't fight a another rich man’s war”. Which means they already did. So there you go. It’s already done. You killed in order not to be killed for money. Why not refuse before you go and kill for money? Be it in the name of God, country, turf or home. What makes people kill other people for money? Money apparently! So is it the rich man or his money?

There have been demonstrations fore/or against every thinkable subject. Did something change? And if something changed was it best for all? After the war, did some group get special benefits at the cost of other groups giving them a reason to go demonstrate? It’s like a never ending chain of events that creates reasons to demonstrate and go to war. It’s painfully pathetic and it’s us!

Serving the God of war
We are created in the image and likeness of God. We are the creators. Why didn’t we create peace I ask? What’s going on here? Or is God perhaps that rich man? If we are created in the image and likeness of him than he sure loves making money and killing a few innocent in the process. If there is one demonstration that shows us who we are it’s the demonstration of war. It’s seems to be the only thing we really know how to do well. Fighting wars seems to be the only thing we all love to do. Cowboys and indians. Bang-Bang.. You're dead.

Do you know what powers rule this world? Do you know what really fuels the acts of war? Have you ever asked yourself those questions before you wrote a claim and walked up to the White House and occupied the boardwalk. Making claims in front of the media. It's exactly what they want. Ha, the media... They love a 'good' war don’t they...

Brothers in arms
This is an interesting photo in more ways than one. It shows me the absolute state of stupidity in which we as the human race exist at the moment. How much do I have to pay you to stand up for a world where we are all equal? If I’m not in it to win it than fuck it. Really want to know what fuels the wars in this world? Do you really? It’s about Private wars. It’s about you and me. It’s love thy neighbour as thy self. Do we? War exists because we allow it to exist. All of us. It’s the concept of winning. To profit at the cost of others. It’s me being more than you. My people instead of all people. It’s Ego.

Private war
It’s my Ego and his private war that fuel the global ones. Me and you both fighting for survival instead of standing up as one and equal. No, we rather meet somewhere in the world as competitors on the battlefield. See how stupid it is. Occupy my street, wall street, whatever street. Absolute nonsense. As long as money isn’t equal, you and me are not equal and there will be war. Lot’s of wars, big ones, small ones until we realise who we have become. Is that the way I wanna go? Shot by a bullet for profit or standing as what’s best for all?

The solution
So It’s you and me that decide what is going to happen. It’s us that have to stand up and stick to a principle in order to become living examples that show there is another way. I change in order to be change. A real demonstration is a demonstration of personal change as who I am standing up as change within a world that has to change. I dare you to ask questions. I dare you to look at Equal Money. It will make you pee your pans.

Do we go to war and rape each-other or are we going to give in order to receive?

http://equalmoney.org/

The momentum of addictions

The end of the year is approaching and this year has been one hell of a ride. One of the most ‘important’ points for me this year was stopping my Weed addiction completely. I stopped using weed on the 13th of January. There was a previous attempt and during a sailing weekend a bit of hash was the trigger for starting again. So I fell and had to do a time loop. Stopping for the second time made me realize that stopping an addiction becomes much harder if one has to do it more than ones. In other words the second time I stopped was much more difficult. This also made me realize that it’s very important to be self honest about the moment you want to stop and the physical support you need in order to be successful in stopping an addiction. Be it Homeopathy, kinesiology, sports, a dog, a buddy. Whatever works for you. You have to look at these points in self honesty. You need to create support. A platform of stability to make stopping as comfortable as possible. Be gentle with yourself.

Am I addicted?
Looking at the reasons for my weed consumption and especially the point all drug users have in common is why? Why this addiction? Why this specific substance? I wrote one post about weed before and I noticed that it was very emotional and energetic. Well that’s exactly the point. We use substance because we are unable to cope with emotions or feelings from within as who we are and defined ourselves as personality. It doesn’t matter what drugs you are on. It’s always about suppression. And we all know that if something in this physical world is suppressed there will be a point where that build up of ‘tension’ has to be released. Be it an earthquake, dam bursting, volcanic eruption, murder, rape, lightning strike, explosion. They all have one thing in common and that point is (kinetics) energy. A release of ‘some sort’.

It’s the first thing you will notice the moment you stop a habit/addiction. There is momentum. Something want’s to move you forward as you just stopped. So you notice this push coming from the back that pushes you towards that point of addiction. That automated pattern you accepted as that habit. Something that belongs to you. And you literally feel you have to resist something. You have to push otherwise you are moved from where you are standing. Sounds familiar? Something is pushing you and that is the momentum of addiction. It’s not just drugs. It’s everything in this world. O that’s is nice, that’s cool, my kind of girl, my kind of car, my kind of food, my kind of art, music, candy, friends, sex, the way I pork my nose, education etc. etc. etc. All those reactions are habitual and can be considered addiction. Stuff/substance you are used to. That you use, that abuses you.

I preferred weed
Addiction for me equals identification as in preferences. Yes we can blame our parents because they where the ones starting to speak to us like that when we where baby’s. Isn’t that a nice brown teddybear? Euh, don’t know mom if you say so. So let's not blame. Anyway, eventually we get into groups that we prefer and start to do preferable things. We find a preferable wife, get preferable children and try to the give them preferable education that makes them preferred employees that become preferred bankers in the system with a preferable cocaine addiction. Why? Because in the end the whole world is addicted to money. Historians call that history. Darwinists call it evolution. Economists call it Economics and religious people call it God’s creation. Interesting. God’s creation is actually us, a bunch of junkies hooked on energy.

The way we live our lives is based on preferences. This law of attraction which in the end is addiction. This momentum. This system of energy that needs us to produce energy to exist. How do we do that? Through addiction. It’s sheer genius. Because we all have different preferences (addictions) there is alway energy generated. Scientists call it polarity. Now what would happen if we all stop? Just stop.

Impossible isn’t it? The momentum is simply to big. The whole system would implode immediately. That’s why the concept of equality is so hard to grasp for a lot of people because one of the biggest addictions is that to our own ego’s. I’m addicted to me and all my self definitions which ind the end are all preferences. I believe I’m full circle now. Am I drifting of here? Ok back to my 'former' addiction.

So let’s bring it back to myself. My addict-i-on. I on weed. Me smoking that shit for more than 20 years on a regular bases. What happened to me? Why was weed the substance I preferred?

Doctor, do you have something to ease the pain?
I already spoke about suppression. All drugs suppress. The drug I prefer is the one that does that job for me in a way I ‘like’ it most or feel most ‘comfortable’ with. Because I’m very aware of the experience I have with it. It does the suppressing in my most preferable way=to supress that what I actually experience within myself and (for a moment) want to suppress or ‘forget’. This also implies that there is NO DRUG that can make me ‘another person’ or forget always. That’s why I have to do it time after time again. To for a moment not feel/experience what’s actually going on within me. Within my state of mind (my mind).

 So, it’s not the weed nor is it the addiction towards it. It’s me fearing to be me here. To face myself here in every moment. Because I’m afraid of myself within and I want and need my weed to help me just for this moment to forget my own experience within. How I exist. Within existence. So I fear existing within existence. That’s it. Simple brutal common sense that applies to all addictions.

SO the more and longer I use the more I compound that experience of myself. The more I do this the more shit compounds and the more weed I’m going to consume. You see there’s only one outcome to this equation? Me wanting to smoke is me not wanting to face me. This is the critical point because here is where I had to become self honest in the moments that followed. I had to face myself. I had to stop running away from myself because it’s impossible? You will face yourself every day to come because it’s alway going to be you. It’s not someone else taking the substance is it? Substance or substitute. What is it that you need a substitute for? What is ‘missing’ in your ‘life’? It’s you standing up in that specific point. That’s what is missing. What am I holding onto within myself? Forgive yourself for that point and stand up within that point. It’s the only way! Yes I hear the question. How the fuck am I going to do this?

I dared to look
I am going to share some points I’m walking and still facing every day. I am facing the self-loser. I'm facing my self-deception. The harm I did to others. Me collapsing in the system completely. Me refusing to participate and share myself. Doing the things required according to my education as being a ‘good man’. What a fuckup. That whole morality implant I have. Accepting the system and the world the way it is and accepting the position I am in. Talking myself into delusion. Believing 'things’ instead of really investigating life as a physical experience. Thinking something outside myself is going to rescue me. Jezus, God, angels, yoga, enlightenment. Creating even more delusion, by projecting my believes onto others as ‘the truth’ as if it was real! (even my own children). Only moving myself if there is something in it for me. Making myself bigger better at the cost of others. Separating myself from ‘life’. I could go on for hours. And it's this kind of shit whe don't want to face within ourselves. This shit scares the crap out of us and makes us want to crawl away within addiction. Because we fear ourselves. I fear me.

Where does this stop? Where do I reach that point that is a real stop? It’s actually not a point. I simply realized that there where things not ok in my reality. But I still kept on reasoning with myself and that’s a killer because I was doing this with my mind. Yes, the same point where the addiction lived. This is where it get’s tough because I went nuts within justification and morality. It’s me I don't want to change lose my Identity because there is not enough self trust or value to just be who I am. The reason for taking my drugs in the first place. So stop that fear.

Create something new
So I had to get to that rock bottom point of absolute fear, where there was finally some humbleness within me. Where I started to realize that there was a problem and that I had to correct myself. I was very lucky to have someone in my life that was pointing these things out to me. As I am pointing them out for you now. I had support. But it was me who had to walk the correction. You can only do this in Self-Honesty. Because it requires walking backwards in your life to reassess the way you exist and correct yourself.

That’s the point where I am. I’m correcting myself. I corrected the weed point. ‘But’ it is a small point within lot's of points. It’s the tip of the iceberg that is me. You need to build self trust and that is a different story and not a walk in the park. However it can be done. Check out the tools that are available on the Desteni website and if you have any question or need support? Make yourself heard.

Former weed addict

The burning Daredevil

As a child, being one of the ‘dreamers’ in the classroom made me part of the small group of ‘different ones’. You know, the children that are mostly last in line when the soccer players are selected. Not that I liked playing soccer in the first place but you know what I mean.

As years past by I adapted this ‘being different’ as my personality. I mean it’s what was reflected back to me all the time so that’s kind of how I shaped my personality. My parents ‘lovingly’ reassured me that that I was ok and that there was ‘not much’ wrong with me. Which was great to hear but it didn’t change the course of events that followed and became ‘my life’.

I got into increasingly more trouble with my surroundings and started to move away from what was ‘socially’ accepted. I mean remove yourself from any given structure you are part of and you are on your own. That’s looking at it from my current perspective but at the time I was developing a personality which makes it a bit more complicated. So what became of that little boy I called me at the time?

Well there was a lot of frustration and anger because I didn’t feel accepted and there was my developing body that got stronger. I was a very ‘physical’ child, aware of what I could do with my body and I loved to experiment with it. So without being really aware of it I was always playing around with my ‘physical’ abilities and just looking how far I could push myself. At times this was pretty far compared to other children and sometimes I noticed that other kids would kind of be hypnotized by what I was doing. Grown ups started calling me a ‘daredevil’. I kind of thought it was a compliment although I didn’t understand the meaning of the word.

What’s a daredevil?

daredevil |ˈde(ə)rˌdevəl|
a reckless person who enjoys doing dangerous things.
adjective [ attrib. ] reckless and daring.

reckless |ˈrekləs|
Adjective (of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action
ORIGIN Old English reccelēas, from the Germanic base (meaning [care] ) of reck .

daring |ˈde(ə)ri ng |
(of a person or action) adventurous or audaciously bold : a daring crime.
• boldly unconventional: : a pretty girl in daring clothes.
adventurous courage : the zeal and daring of climbers.

ORIGIN Old English durran, of Germanic origin; related to Gothic gadaursan, from an Indo-European root shared by Greek tharsein and Sanskrit dhṛṣ- ‘be bold.’

Anger
By definition I was a reckless child and around that time I had a little bike I would drive around the neighborhood making engine noises as I drove a long with my tongue hanging out. This could be considered normal because that's what most boys do at that age. But whenever I was frustrated or angry I would find myself on my little bike driving around like a lunatic. Al my anger and frustration was pumped into my pedals and pulling the handlebars. Sometimes I would visualize pulling the whole bike into pieces. I was often that angry (energetically charged). A side effect of me doing this shit regularly every time I had to ‘release’ was that I got really fast on my little bike. Then BMX hit the scene back in the eighties and I was ‘hooked’. In school though, I was still this insecure inverted inside out kid with poor social skills that didn’t understand group dynamics and was looked upon as ‘the daredevil’.

Thus ‘I’ became Daredevil? my alter ego, my other self. And as time went by I completely accepted that persona in word and deed. Al my insecurity was replaced by bravura. Interesting that within the definition of a daredevil there is: ‘without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action’. My personality became a blown balloon full of lunacy, anti authority, non conformism, theater, drama etc. An insecure mister knowitall hiding behind larger than life stories. The outcome from my present perspective was predictable.

So my skill set was far from what’s preferable in a rigid corporate system you are supposed to embrace as you grow up or into. On top of that, coming from a social left wing family background money was a dirty word in the first place. Yes you always end up walking the path of your predecessors until that first self-honest question is answered. Who the fuck am ‘I’ really?

I despised (financial) successful people and money out of inferiority. Why? Because those people had all the characteristics of the kids that did good in school. Kids that where able to adapt into the system with great ease. Learning the tricks of the trade and do the trading. Now it makes a whole lot of sense to me that what I despise will not come to me. This is exactly what happened in my life. Complaining about the lack of ‘resources’ and at the same time spiting them. That’s not a recipe for success is it. You can be a daredevil in this system but make sure you are head of a bank or a corporation first.

Being that daredevil upside down in a tree is looking at myself through a veil of perceptions. Replacing that veil with a mirror would have reflected the inner demon of my self accepted ego that fucked me time after time. It trapped me into that perceived persona of the daredevil. As a result I have lived limitation al my life only because I accepted and allowed myself to be what was reflected instead of looking what was really there. Such stupidity. Now standing up from this and walking back the manifested consequences is the story unfolding. It’s the toughest most painful thing I ever did and at the same time the most rewarding and soothing because I’m bringing myself back to me.

Daredevilism is a set of skills applied to a certain set of physical challenges that have no real application other than entertainment and satisfaction of the ego of the daredevil in question. The Daredevil can only transform by altering the starting point and definitions regarding ‘him-self’ as the Daredevil. This can only be done with the support and reflection of people doing the same thing otherwise he would walk blinded into the next self created stunt or disaster.

There is a Daredevil in all of us. Investigate and you’l be amazed by what we create in this reality we call ourselves. My journey with Desteni so far made everything I did as a daredevil look pathetic. Seeing myself in self honesty took more courage then anything I ever did in my life. It's like being Evil Knievel stuck in his own burning tunnel burning to death.

My Daredevil ego goes wild when it get's no attention. Often I look away for a second which is enough to let it fuck me up completely. That’s where the real challenge of self-honesty begins for me. No rewards for my ego. Time after time again. Every day, every second and every breath until it’s done.