Day-023-E-value ate the money

I was looking at some of my experiences over the past week. A week that was filled with ridiculous deadlines, stress, irritation, tiredness, confusion, suppression and lunacy. All because the money has to flow to a specific point more than to another. Its kind of mathematical and I'm not talking about the whole planet although exactly the same thing is happening on a macroeconomic scale and because I am a participant I'm confronted with the 'value for money discussion' on a minute to minute bases.

I make money so I'm a cost point. One of many that causes stress. That's what money does and it's measured in space and time. I'm confronted with this principle within almost every decision I make during my day, in fact all people are. Even the ones that have no money are part of the 'deal'.

So like the ones before me I accept the shite as part of the package and although it has always bugged the fucking hell out of me I was somehow able to suppress the anger and frustration with lot's of distraction in the form of so called free time and entertainment. That pattern however is kind of changing as my Facebook page illustrates.

The past always visits me as I find myself in doubt during my projects. This week I got a vivid perspective of myself within and as the patterns I exist as 'personally and professionally'. I had a few volcanic moments and at one point. I snapped and allowed myself to become completely possessed by anger and frustration. It was not a pleasant experience. It disgusts me to find myself in that total possession and looking back I can see that trying to avoid the experience is one of the reasons I have lost or quit jobs in the past.

This week like so many before felt like being submerged in energy and I couldn't earth myself to remove the static. It's like I see myself go I know what will follow but I'm unable to change direction. It's almost like an addiction. No, it is an addiction it's a pattern *flag point. It's knowing only one way and being to scared to even think of another that's it. Today as I finally take this moment for myself to put one and two in perspective where I'm cleaning up my house, doing the laundry, walking the dog and I become aware of my body as this collection of tension is when I realize I'm actually the sum of my the parts that make up the equation.

This is my fucking value for money!

It would be extremely funny if it wasn't killing us. All this tension because we have bills to pay. Slowly cannibalizing myself as the days pas by. And it hit me today that it makes sense. What Value? From every purchase or every sum of money spent. Value for money is based not only on the minimum purchase price but also on the maximum efficiency and effectiveness of the purchase. The interesting question however should be, what is our 'valuepoint' of reference regarding value that is permanently changing according to our own preprogrammed behavior? In other words my unstoppable appetite to have more than others. I am part of the fucking feedback loop. I'm feeding the monster by my own participation. Ah it's genius we all faced the same question. Stand or deliver? We all deliver and fall collectively for the highest bidder which is our own mind.

There is no value and that's why it is what it is. Even if my life would be that of luxury and splendor there would be no value because value is created in the mind and that can't be done without creating debt. From my perceptive it explains the way I experience myself within my work. I do not dare to say professional career because what is a professional standard? It is part of the same value system that is part of the money system and if you have the whole of humanity including myself trying to buy more for less this is what you get. Over time no value was created we only created debt so I have no value only debt and it's so huge I can only pretend it does not exist and deny its existence because facing my responsibility within it is just to big and to shameful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by energy because I did not give myself clarity within the chaos surrounding my professional activities over the past week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic instead of getting a clear perspective on the impossibilities of the work that had to be done within the given amount of time and take self responsibility within communicating these points clearly and effectively with all people involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not place myself within strict boundaries regarding my priorities and to be realistic about what can be done and not be done and communicate that, taking into consideration that the reaction I get might not be a pleasant one seeing realizing that placing boundaries will always cause someone somewhere to hit the fence within that I see realize and understand that I'm not responsible for the way people deal with their emotions and that it's not my responsibility to have all the answers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that one of my tasks is to alway be clear within my communication because without clear communication on my part there can only be assumptions that become projections regarding me and the status of my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my work loose my professional stance



http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-018-Let's skip school and smoke pot!

Woke up this morning and before I had my eyes open there was this unrest within. My body felt heavy and not relaxed. My back was hurting and I had to start working on a project. It felt like being back in my schooldays with a party hangover.

I'm experiencing some of the aftereffects of sharing time with a friend intensively for over a week. I have to kind of set myself up again for work. Yesterday I got a surprise visit from another friend. I was a bit shocked by his appearance. He looked hammered. I constantly had this backchat that this could have been me. I was seeing a lot of anger within him and asking about it confirmed the point.

I don't see or meet many people socially but I have some friends and we kind of keep an eye out for each other. As we catch up on things in our lives the principle of oneness and equality and the blogs where discussed and I notice time after time again that the biggest point with people seems to be integrating the principle message practically within this reality as daily life. I can write my blogs and have an opinion but like anyone else in this fucked up existence have to get the food on the table meaning remain part of the crumbling economic reality. Survival comes first and that's exactly the universal point that keeps us enslaved.

So I see a friend that looks hammered and I catch myself worrying. I know it's stupidity to worry about people. It doesn't serve them or existence whatsoever. However one point I saw very clearly because I saw it within myself and that is the point of addiction and especially the addiction to conflict. Seeing everything that's wrong with yourself and the world and accepting and allowing yourself to believe there is nothing you can do to change this creates a huge amount of friction within, allowing the mind to build these huge constructions of self sabotage. And within that I allow myself to become very angry, short fused, irritated, depressed, sad, hopeless. The list is endless and the effects are devastating on the body. I became a zombie that was eating itself literally. I'm 1.90m and at one point my weight was around 76 kilo's and dropping.

One of the things I have always done in order to 'cope' with myself was smoking pot and by doing that I suppressed myself completely. I couldn't face the world this reality as what I had become within it. I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was no place for me in the system at the same time I saw it was impossible to escape it. I realized the system doesn't give a fuck. That's why pot smoking and alcohol are so effective in suppressing or releasing specific energies. It serves the hunters who are moving with the system hunting for profit. Less competition more kill. Stopping my weed consumption  was an eye opener. In fact it showed me that my total behavior is addiction based.

It's not complicated, this is the world we create to 'live' in. I stopped hunting. I became enslaved in my own head by moral constructs and projections about the world and the way things work instead of really investigating the nitty gritty of it within and as myself.

It's very hard to get to a self honest point if life is treating one well. I don't give a shit about the world when I'm stoned or high. I don't care about my neighbor or humanity when I'm ego tripping on my success in life. See there is no difference. Both equate the same outcome=ignorance.

My ego trip got me here in the first place and now you want me to believe it's all a lie? Well not to me it is. My success is fucking real you better believe it. I lost myself because I thought I knew how the world works instead of investigating if that was really the case. Doing so made me realize that reality is horrific and that explains why only a few dare to confront themselves with the rawness of this creation.

I realize that being in relationships to survive and being exposed to and forced within the system feeds the parasite that's the mind that eats the body alive and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear waking up to my reality of having to go to work solely because of the money I need to survive in the system

I realize that the principle message of equality is very hard to grasp when one is submerged in daily life within the system where every symbol and all we do relates back to the time is money equation and that this becomes who we are and express within our lives and accept as reality literally eating ourselves alive and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the co creator and participant within and as the system that is ruled by the 'time is money' equation and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that by participating instead of standing up for life for real I was eating myself alive

I realize that seeing reality as the overwhelming amount of information it is as distraction from the experience of self within creates huge conflict and within that only few can stand the pressure and friction generated culminating in ever more outbursts of extreme behavior in the world where people start eating each others faces in public showing who we are within and as mind possessed zombies and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a cannibal myself because I did not realize that by feeding of others I am eventually feeding of myself and within that I commit myself to stand up and give to others what I can as I would like to receive

I realize that fear is the ultimate system of enslavement and that reacting to and following my fears will eventually lead me to apathy and suppression where self movement comes to a stand still and the only option left is eating myself allowing others within the system to profit by taking my place. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face my fears and instead give in to the self abuse of addiction to energy as conflict and substance instead of standing up to deprogram myself in order to become equal with life to create a world that is best for all

I realize that by thinking about the world does not solve any problem. Problems are solved through physical action which implies I have to become physical action and only through physical experience as walking the corrections necessary to bring self change will I be able to change my reality. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit back and reflect allowing myself to start the inner dialoque distracting me from the work that simply has to be done. I commit myself to not postpone my physical actions, to stop and breath and bring myself here in order to walk a point I see in real time in order to change my reality.

I realize that getting to a point where I can face myself in self honesty is not I single perspective, it's a process walked step by step, point for point and only by having the whole point and nothing but the whole point by the balls will I be able to make the correct decisions in order to change myself to what is best for all and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the tendency to overcomplicate things thus I commit myself to keep EVERYTHING simple and walk from there learning to apply common sense to daily life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the effects of reality as a projection in the face of another being.

http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/