Day-016-Highway exit strategy's and the 'My way' Character

I was driving as a passenger in a car. We where on the freeway driving up to my place. As we got to about 20 miles from where I live I saw a familiar exit sign. Now this particular exit is the one I would 'normally' use myself when driving home. So without reflecting or checking myself in relation to the moment and person I was with. I hear myself say; "we can exit the freeway here as well".

Almost instantly my backchat kicked in; "Damn that was automated, I did not consult my companion in the matter, I'm such a fool, I'm doing it again, I'm fucking up" etc. All this happening in a split second. Not realizing that what I was doing was not cool and as always when something is fear related, this energy surge manifests in my stomach area.

My reaction to that road sign was totally automated and somehow I saw I was fucking with myself. At the last moment and already next to the exit I confront the driver with the point of having to make a split second decision. Confused by this sudden pressure the driver exit's the freeway. By now I know there is no way back and my mind shit is starting to hit the fan as I'm cramping up.

Looking back I can see myself suppressing this feeling of 'being wrong' before I can blink my eyes and within and as the mind start to produce justifications and arguments why taking this exit is 'no problem'.

Within 'no problem' is me having 'a problem'. 

So here I find myself going full retard again and I'm starting to see that I'm existing like this reactive behavior 99% of my time. Being already next to and almost past the exit gave the driver of the car only a few seconds to respond to my suggestion. I'm forcing a person into a situation I myself would feel pushed or stressed and that is not acceptable. It makes no sense whatsoever.

It then hit me that this person stated more than once not liking this particular route to my place and rather drive on the freeway. Subconsciously I thus already knew this whole thing was me creating this moment to create friction between me and he other person (succeedding flawlessly).

Within this I witness myself going into several self righteous ego–trips justifying my suggestion. My impulsive/compulsive reaction to the sign on the freeway is without any self reflexion or taking the other person into consideration. Confronting the other person with my mind possession is only about me.

So now I find myself in the car with someone within this energy play-out and at the same time I find myself suppressing my feelings of guild because I'm the one responsible for what is happening and the strangest thing is that instead of sharing myself and apologize for my behavior I start diminishing the problem with my arguments. This indicates that it's only about creating energy.

If I would have been self honest and self aware I could have asked the driver 5 minutes before the exit if it would be ok for this once to exit the freeway at this specific point. The answer would probably still be no, but the play out would have been different. End of story. Within this I see it's about getting things 'my way' no matter how small or seemingly insignificant the point. It's about competing instead of being equal.

I see myself participating and interacting within the world and people around me as a reactive mind. Reacting to my own projections instead of being here and aware of my participation within reality.

Reacting to that road sign was nothing more than a program I allowed to start running my life instead of being self directive within that moment. I ask myself how it is possible to live a life in this state of being not aware why and how I'm creating my own reality? It implicates that almost everything I do is not real and it thus starts with bringing myself here within every breath.

Another point is that being together with another person intensifies these realizations because I'm generally on my own and don't get that much feedback. The last week was spend with another person and within that the experience of myself changes drastically. To see myself go through the daily experience of myself as the mind creating behavior within these seemingly 'normal' daily matters without being self aware is such stupidity. At the same time I see this is a process that has to be walked day by day, step by step, breath by breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape reality within and as the mind and have an automated response to a road sign along the freeway not seeing realizing that I'm playing a trick on myself in order to create friction thus energy to keep me enslaved within and as the mind as this addiction to energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drift of into my mind and not remain here as me as breath being on the freeway seeing a road sign thus allowing myself to become reactive and change the outflow of events at the cost of another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take another person into consideration and put stress and pressure on that person forcing the person to make a split second decision realizing that within this I'm actually seeking conflict thus charging the winner looser program creating unnecessary consequences that forces us to time loop al the points realized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this feeling of guilt knowing I just deliberately manipulated another person into taking a decision because I wanted things to go my way and within that allow myself to manipulate myself through using false arguments to justify my behavior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize that it's unacceptable to abuse others through manipulation in order to get things to go my way.

I commit myself to identify and irradiate these automated reactions and characters I create allowing myself to miss moments in time thus creating backdoors for myself where things can go my way as the ego trick of the winner wanting to win as a gambler addicted to the game, starting new games regardless the consequences and without stopping myself within and as the addiction to energy and take into consideration what's best for all within the given situation.

I commit myself to establish through continuos effort of bringing myself here as breath, gift myself the gift of being self directive within not missing a moment thus an opportunity to sabotage myself as the manipulator as my mind that always wants to win by screwing things up for myself and others thus waisting everyone's time

I commit myself to identify the patterns of self sabotage I use to sabotage my process of becoming self aware as me as breath here in every moment.

E-Valuating my accountability

Expectations
Not so long ago I was in the company of a couple I know very well and another person. There was a conversation going that had to do with the way the business was going and the business wasn’t going to well’. The man owns a company and there was a lot of ranting and gossiping about employees and former employees. Looking at it from his perspective and a matrix standpoint I could see what was going on. The whole thing mainly had to do with ‘motivation’ and ‘responsibility’. Feeling disappointed by people. Not being able to count on or trust people etc. It’s the  standard mechanism of looking for external factors for internal problems. A mechanism I’m very familiar with. Eventually it all comes back to where it all starts and that’s taking self-responsibility. It’s fucking tough but that’s how it is.

Addressing consequences as problems
Through Desteni I finally understand what it means. ‘The response ability’. Sitting there listening to all that was said I couldn’t put my finger on the whole thing. There was this energy response within me. I noticed I took sides in the matter. I participated. So I slowed myself down took a few breaths and refocussed. Give and thee shall receive. That was what was going trough my head. We all are confronted with our own manifested consequences and I was trying to understand what lay at the base of this persons ‘problems’ with other people and therefore ‘his business’.

I mean I know people cannot be trusted before I can trust myself and apply this trust practically. Not before I establish self-trust will I be able to see what’s really going on and see people I interact with for what they are and where their actions originate from. I first have to identify these mechanisms in me before I can even start to recognize them in others. So this whole conversation became quite interesting because I found myself stepping back and almost immediately this energy within me lessened.

I sat there and tried to listen and really hear the words spoken. At one point they where talking about the functioning of one of the staff members and him being not ‘that sharp’ (anymore). In other words one is not satisfied with that person in his role or occupation. However this person happened to be ‘In love’ and so it was not ‘that bad’?

Doesn't "not that bad" mean 'less good' = unsatisfactory = less profit = will get fired in the long run. This is in reverse so "not that bad" must be a justification for something...

My first internal question was: Why is a person less accountable if he or she is in love? And what’s next? Does it matter if one is in love, has a depression or is in denial? What mental state would be considered acceptable or preferable? Apparently one is not accountable if he or she is ‘in love’. So failing from that perspective could be called a ‘crime passion-el’ or ‘Mentally not accountable’. This get’s ever more interesting.

None Sense
What’s the pattern here? Where do these justifications come from? I mean they make no sense whatsoever. There must be a set of rules and they must be socially accepted otherwise more people would get fired for being ‘emotional’ because we 'all' are. I also remembered a fears response earlier when I stated that “being in love is like having a drug problem or mental disease”. Meaning: It's addictive, it fucks you up and it makes you high”. As if I had ‘no feelings’. So cold and emotionless. How could I compare those things...

Off coarse I have feelings and emotions that’s exactly my point. Not looking at them from a self-honest perspective or blindly obeying and reacting to them is what fucked me up every time all the time. I’m getting ever more cautious in that department.

This is all about accountability. The socially accepted pressure point where one fails to do what must be done and get’s away with it. It’s completely infused in the way we act, interact and from their build our morality structures. Looking at this point I find the outcome rather devastating. We are fucking ourselves in the head with this justification shit and everybody is participating. Ranting, raving, gossiping and justifying the fact that we are actually being completely self-dishonest to a point where the whole world has become what it is right now. A horrifying bowl of quilt so big, no one dares to even look at it. I also realize that justifying shit is a tip of a huge iceberg that exists within and as me as I walk this process.