I woke up before my alarm clock. It was 05.10 this morning and the first thought that ran trough my mind was, 'that's less than 5 hours of sleep'. I realized that this was my first thought of the day and it was about value lol. So I breath brought myself back where I was. In bed relaxed. Birds where whistling outside. I became aware of my body. The state of relaxation my body was in and the tension in certain muscles because I played with the dog yesterday. As I opened my eyes listening to hundreds of birds twittering away outside I smiled because of the bizarre loudness they produced.
Then my mind switched on like a machine gun. I was not awake for longer then 30 seconds and thoughts about work ahead of me today started firing. As soon as this happened I noticed I was no longer here listening to the birds. Electricity as tension came up from my stomach and from there it spread into and over my entire body. My body went from fluidly relaxed to static magnetic within seconds as I focussed on the pictures in my mind related to the work that lay ahead of me today.
I thought about where I left my work last week and where I would have to pick it up today and how to get things done without getting completely drained and be able to work on another assignment I have at home. I allowed myself to go from awareness here in my bed listening to the birds to a projection in my mind projecting myself behind my computer a few hours from now drowned in my daily activities. I went from relaxed to complete tension within seconds and I noticed what this did to my body. It was quite a horrible experience and I realize I must do this almost every day when I wake up and switch on as the mind.
The moment I start thinking, me here becomes me there in the mind as thoughts connecting to images generating emotions as energy. In this case negative energy as stress I could feel manifesting in my body very clearly. All thoughts related to my responsibilities in daily life that relate to survival. It's where I experience fear as self judgement. Fear of not getting things done in time. Fear of underperforming. Fear of being judged. Fear I might loose what I have. Fear to loose as not to win. Not being 'good enough', efficient enough. Al this within the first sixty second after waking up into a body that was relaxed and I'm allowing it to go into complete tension becoming overpowered by the bombardment of energy generated by the mind as my fears.
This 3 dimensional tension, hardly noticeable but it's there and it's within every muscle of my body. So this is what happens to me as I go from the physical to the mind. I slowly kill myself as this subtle tension I allow to creep into my body. Me as the mind poisoning my physical body. Is this is how I kill my body slowly but surely as stress? Is this the slow suicide I accept and allow to become my daily reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my amount of sleep as to much or to little
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to become aware of my physical body within the physical when I wake up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the gift of a relaxed body the moment I wake up and start my day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to wake up into reality, instead wandering of into the mind the moment I wake up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project thoughts, ideas and emotions onto my day within my mind instead of becoming aware of my physical body when I wake up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let stress enter my body when I wake up which decreases my flexibility thus making me less flexible
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear as projections within my mind manifest as stress hormones within my body knowing they will eventually make me sick and kill me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my responsibilities become projections of fear related to failure before I am aware of my physical body when I wake up
I commit myself to check my physical body the moment I wake up. To breath and bring myself here as the first action after waking up because I see realize and understand that it is my mind that is addicted to energy that's consuming my physical body.
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