15 11 2010
Falling hard

I’m depressed. Lying in bed with a shitload of work to do. My body gave up on me yesterday. Everything hurts and I,m barely able to get out of bed. No fever just pain and a terrible headache. The last month I had a lot off work to do and in came some money. I thought I had my priorities straight and I was reasonably disciplined in my actions. I stopped writing because I thought I was too busy with my business responsibilities. Reading the material and at the same time working in the corporate world was an utterly schizophrenic situation. I got kind of lost, no anchors. Being in a car for an hour driving up to a client. Trying to breath trough it all. Not being able to stabilize myself and taking this state with me in my work was frightening. I got very insecure about my overall ability to deal with myself.

I find balancing the destini material and my ‘daily life’ hard as hell. Reality doesn’t change but it sure hit’s hard sometimes. I’m not standing equal, I’m not applying self forgiveness, didn’t write wen it was necessary. This accumulated into the present state I’m in I think. A lot of information got stored which I did not act upon. I’ve been smoking weed on a daily bases for more than twenty years. After reading the Desteni article about weed addiction. I quit three months ago. Fantastic. Hardly no problems or graving. But I still had four weedplants in the garden. I decided not to remove them because of the money they would bring in (money is a big issue for me). In holland it’s allowed to grow up to five plants for personal use. How wrong is this? Very wrong and definitively not best for all. So the moment came to harvest this shit and there I was cutting away in a blaze of THC gas. After I finished the first batch I cleaned my scissor of the accumulated oil and there I was holding this tiny ball of first grade exclusive hashoil. I didn’t even think about it. It was rolled into a paper and I smoked it.

The moment I have to stop is the moment I decide to go against the decision I made with myself. But I didn’t so I’m back to square one. Not only the weed came back full force. All addictions points started ranting again.

Former ‘relationships’, sex, women, friendships, children, work, working, being self supportive, self trust, motivation etc. A mindsoup and a massive depression in which I was doing everything the way I always did. At the same time I was extremely disappointed with myself. So ashamed I couldn’t honestly share what was happening and what I was doing. Human-being-no control. It’s just fucking hard for me at the moment. I’m not sad. I don’t feel like crying. I’m not mad or angry. I can’t describe the state I’m in. It hurts that’s for shure. It actually feels like torture. Self torture off coarse.

I’ve been looking for deeper meaning to this earthly existence for a very long time. Investigated yoga systems, read the books. I think it was the Secret doctrine by Helena Blavatsky that scared the crap out of me. It made kind of sense. But it didn’t convcince. It stayed in the abstract. I kind of gave up. Some mysteries simply remain. Desteni hit me like a hammer. After all I did, all I read, it simply made sense. It filled all the caps I had. But it wasn’t what I expected.

I’m struggling like I’ve never struggled before. I know how simple it is. Either I’ll make it or I won’t. And immediately my ego starts to intervene. Yo cannot give up. Got to win this. Get you re act together etc. It’s fear. It’s always fear.

I’m scared of not making it.