Stopped

Stop enough!
I decided to stop. Actually it wasn’t a decision I just couldn’t get myself through the resistance of daily writing and doing the introduction course. So much resistance. It came to a point where I felt drugged. I couldn’t think straight, lost for words. I got blurry, frustrated, angry. Why? Am I doubting myself in this process? Can I do it? Where am I going? Where am I in the first place? I’m in fear of not making it. It feels like information overload. Choices that seem simple become the tips of icebergs. I’m also starting to see myself and the fact that I’m speaking words but they make no sense. I decided to ban my computer, facebook, blogs, information and to get physical.

Moving the dirt
The ‘garden’ that hadn’t been touched for six years was removed. I moved more that 4 tons of dirt several times to get rid of the excess sand that was piled up. I did all this by hand. Got white sand and stones in and made a terrace. It took me nearly a week to get everything done and although my body was close to collapsing and the muscle pains where of the charts I felt really satisfied with the results. More important, I was not in my head so much. Move the sand, move the stones. Breath. Simple tasks, simple thoughts. It was quit a relieve to get out of my head. It felt somewhat like a holiday and after six years I finally got started with my garden. The progress is vissible. It can be touched. Maybe that's why I did it. Because I cannot say that about my other processes.

Looking into my empty head
I’m back here behind my computer because I made an agreement with myself to really pick up on my writing after the ‘work’ was done. So here I am. Still very much lost for words. It’s hard for me to describe my state and at the same time I know I have to voice myself. There is a lot of feedback coming to me from another person and most of the times I’m just lost for words. The mirror that is held in front of me reveals nothing to me and at the same time everything is moving. I cannot make sense of what is happening because It’s completely new to me. This whole experience of myself can only be described as loosing it. I’m loosing it. Self definitions go up in smoke everyday at the same time I experience a calmness I never had. It’s really strange and it’s really hard at times. As I’m writing this I’m really looking for words. There is so much to wright about... there is also a shitload of work to do. Painting, gardening, maintenance etc. To be honest... I would love to just keep going. because I'm probably afraid of my own head. But that would be escapism wouldn’t it. I have to share myself. Speak about my process that feels kind of stuck right now. Don’t know where I am, don’t know where to go and lost for words to describe the specifics.

I’m floating, I’m nowhere and I am here at the same time.

I'll speak again tomorrow