Where am ‘I’

21 03 2011

Resistance

To start of this post. I’m kind of nervous right now. In front of me is the assignment nr. 3 of the introduction course. The first “real” assignment and I failed. To no surprise because I didn’t understand what I was doing. Today I want to finally get it done. The moment I placed the papers in front of me I got really nervous. So let’s get into that nervousness.

Failing

Is it connected to failing? Yes it’s connected to failing and wanting to be perfect. Wanting to be good at something. I don’t want to share me being a failure. I’m insecure as well. The moment I got out the papers a huge resistance came up. The same resistance I felt in school when I was a kid. Everybody’s good at math. I suck at math and everybody is going to see me screw things up. I don’t want that. I want to ‘feel’ accepted, be part of the group. Last week J Assisted me and we went through the assignment together. Although I got the best support I could think off, the same resistance was there. I tried to breath trough it, remain in the moment, focus on the words spoken and tried to listen. Huge resistance and eventually I got possessed to the point where my mind would go into complete lock. I had to speak it out. “Stop”. I faced myself in a horrible way. Totally lost control. I couldn’t direct myself into something that shouldn't be a hard thing to do but I couldn’t do it. Judgement, inferiority, backchat. It was a horrible experience and I know I will be facing countless ones to come.

What now?

So where the fuck am I standing now. A lot of things are changing in my life right now. They are closely related to relationships and an agreement. I cannot wright about these things specifically because of privacy reasons but the impact it has on me and my process is huge. The way I programmed myself over the coarse of my life is becoming more visible and it’s really not a pretty picture. The extend of my automation, my self-judgement, judgement towards other people, situations. It’s unbelievable and I have to be really aware of my breathing. The way I shut myself down last week was really horrifying. Being aware of having a mind possession and what it does still gives me the creeps. The fact that I’ve had probably thousands if not millions in my life and not even be aware of them is a shocking realisation and that’s an understatement.

Dizzying

Apparently simple daily events that everybody around me takes for granted are beginning to show themselves for what they are. The world around me seems to change dramatically while in fact it’s me that is observing the change within myself. I see that I’m only scratching the surface of self honesty here. Still, if this is only the tip of the iceberg what the hell do I have in store for myself. Yes I’m intimidated as we speak. I feel the urge to flee. I’m watching myself type these words and at the same time I’m close to panicking. It’s utterly schizophrenic to say the least. I’m so grateful for the support I’m getting but I know all of this has to be walked alone. It’s only me that is capable of changing me by walking this shit step by step, breath by breath. Whole books of subjects that have to be addressed are starting to open up on me. I know it’s only me who is able to direct what I take on as the next thing. I see the point in taking one subject and delayer it perfectly. Better to have clarity on one single subject and understand it from the inside out instead of being scattered in information that doesn’t make sense. Kind of what is happening to me as we speak.

Opening up the route

It makes no sense of having all this information available and not be able to take advantage of it because it’s impossible to take on the mountain as a whole. It all starts by scouting a route up there. From there on it’s climbing perfect baby steps. Falling isn’t an option. It consumes to much time to recover from falling and before I know it’s going to be dark on the mountain and the route will be invisible. So how am I gong to direct myself? What steps are the ones to take first? Where am I going to put my feet down? It’s a first ascent on a route I’ve never climbed before. I know what’s involved in climbing. I know there is going to be pain and fear. I know there will be unexpected event’s. Rock slides, falling debris, weather changes. Are they going to stop me from climbing? I know it has to do with willing myself, pushing it beyond the limit to know where the limit is. 

Supreme court

If there is one thing that’s becoming crystal clear it would be my ‘back chat’. Not judging my own ‘back chat’ is becoming increasingly more difficult. Accepting it as it is. This letting go of feelings related to being special, unique, superior. I see it standing in front of me as self created illusion and at the same time I’m still completely controlled by it in daily life. It’s time to apply myself and that’s the hardest part. Bringing it out in the open, bringing it out in the first place. Getting it out for what it is and not judging myself ‘thinking’ I’m not able to see it. Judging myself as stupid or slow. Judgement, shame, vanity oh yes. Having a rather good week you know. Slowing down be reasonable comfortable with myself and then I forget to keep pushing it. 

Comfortably numb

I’m flagging the point of comfort right know. It’s a fucker because I’m starting to see what comfort stands for. For me It’s sort of a mindlock as long as it isn’t shared with another person who is able to see where I really am in that moment and point it out. I experience comfort. It becomes an emotion, a play out. This false sense of security that isn’t supporting my process at all. Me being comfortable is me disappearing into the void of consciousness and backchat most of the time. I cannot express my gratitude and respect for the persons supporting me at the moment. Without them I couldn’t do it. I’m sure about that but it’s me that has to stand sooner or later. Nobody can change me. That’s completely up to me. Experiencing the effects of true support is very humbling. That’s where I run into my back chat. It’s nasty shit I’m observing. The speed in which I tend to fall back into my preprogramming, automated patterns the moment I give in to the ‘feeling’ of comfort of being ‘supported’. The ease of me accepting old patterns of behaviour without even noticing me doing it. I used to think I had a rather clear image about myself. Well that might be correct because that’s exactly what it is. It’s an image and that’s all there is. Me is I, thinking it all up into existence. I’m a picture based robot with an identity disorder (that’s an observation by the way).

Running the coarse

Ok back to my homework. Have to really push myself into finishing my assignment now. The resistance I’m feeling is out of this world. Why? I mean It’s just an assignment. Get the fucking stuff done. What’s the big deal. I’m starting to see how hard it is to be self honest because self is something that becomes like the definition of abstract for me at the moment. And that’s in everything I’m doing. It’s in almost every moment of my daily life. Who the fuck am I? 

Body language...

17 03 2011

What is happening...
What a week it has been so far, and am I judging this week as different than last week? As in more impressive or having more in store than usual? Yes I do. Let me say this. The weekend was physical and confronting. This has to do with sharing me with another person. That makes a difference. The most important realisation I’m having at the moment is the one of ‘physicality’. It’s somewhat difficult for me to express or explain exactly what I mean. I’m starting to rediscover my physical body again. But it’s not in the way I used to explore or be aware of it.

Observing my daughter in the water
The weekend started physical because I go and swim with my daughter whenever we get the change. Last week she took her toy diving goggle and a snorkel with her for the first time. In the water I took the time teaching her how she had to breath, keep the class from fogging up, her posture in the water etc. I noticed a very interesting thing. Her whole physical expression as a body submerged in water changed the moment she stuck her head in the water and started looking around through her goggle. Normally her expression while swimming is rather hectic. It’s the point I remark on the most when she swims. Slow down, relax, you don’t need all that movement to keep floating. Now when she looked down through those goggles and into the swimming pool, her body completely gave itself over to the water. The two kind of merged and she was floating comfortably on the surface looking into the swimming pool while breathing through her snorkel. She got it within the minute. I was a bit amazed.

The conversation of water with water
So I decided there and then I would buy her a decent Diving goggle and snorkel. So this week we where in the water again and she was hooked from the first minute. We where in the water for nearly two hours straight. My daughter is six years old and I’m 42. I’m always amazed of her physical stamina. I mean I’m probably still thinking that my physical condition is OK but it’s really not to be honest. I would probably kill myself if I tried to keep up with my six year old daughter on a physical level (lol). Anyway the element of water is kind of a rediscovery because the swimming agreement with my daughter forces me to swim on a regular base. I often noticed that I would be totally tired after being in the pool with her. A real physical tiredness. Every muscle in my body would feel drained of it’s power. In the ‘back of my head’ I know it’s not just the physical strain. My body releases stress when I’m in the water and It’s moving muscle groups that are parked in neutral during the rest of the week. Tension that is locked up inside those muscles releases and the body has to disperse the ‘acid-toxins’ that go with that. This is actually hard work so you get tired. Common sense I suppose.


It’s a physical thing
Walking back to the car after being in the pool for two hours immediately confronted me with this fact and it brings the point of ‘self-intimacy’ back. My daughter still has a strong connection with her physical body. And she is dispersing all these things naturally. If I don’t give these points attention my body will start to manifest problems. It is doing that all ready lol. So was I tired? Yes I was. But I’m always ‘that tired’, I’m just not aware of it. It gets stored inside my muscle tissue like carbage inside a landfill an there it rots away until the whole landfill get’s ‘moved’. That’s when ‘the gas’ is released and you smell ‘the smell’. Fascinating. 

Stop and look
The rest of the weekend was physical and fascinating too because I had a buddy visiting me. This meant little sleep, lot’s of talking and again physical work-out because I give her massages. Monday was fascinating because I was completely done. I was really and I mean really tired. No emotions just tired. I went with it. Slowed myself down and slept it out for two days. Luckily appointments got ‘magically’ cancelled and I was able to just be there in this rather strange state of mind. I felt like being in more than one place at the same time. No focus, no drive. Was it laziness? Stop judging Mike. 


'My' body the one and only
I’m fucking freaking tired and my body is telling me what happened over the last 10 years. It’s shocking what I have accepted and allowed to be stored inside my body. It’s a huge point and it makes all the difference in the world. Do I address or do I ignore? Ignoring the fact that all the shit get’s stored means destroying the only thing that is real in my reality. It’s my body and I’m not even aware of it. How fucked up is that.

‘Being’ inside my body
Yesterday I had my 3rd appointment with my Kinesiologist. I got my ‘Kraneo’ head massage. I could wright a book just about that hour being massaged and ‘touched’. I want to keep it short though so I’ll  stick to the points. I’m becoming aware of the fact that I’m floating on an ocean of pain. Every cell in my body is screaming but my ears are stuffed. I relax and I relax even more. The more I relax the more I’m aware of this overwhelming presence of ‘pain’ that is stored in my body. I could rant about systems and shit but I’m no authority so in my own words. It’s pain. Painful, personal. Information stored in every cell as me as what I have defined myself of over the coarse of my life. And it is huge!

A universe of pain
During the massage I really went into it and the horror cannot be described. It’s so vast I can’t bring it into words. But I was ‘OK’. Observing the whole thing and letting my body do the ‘talking’. The massage was aimed at equalizing the right and left hemispheres of the brain. I noticed myself inside and as the absolute outline of my physical body (being a balloon). Inside was nothing and outside was nothing. It was just me. Everything else was pain! The balloon was kept in place by pain it was defined by pain. I was watching one of the most exiting movies ever and it was al me...

The ghost image
L left me on the table wen she was finished. I waited till my eyes opened up and got up and off the table. L looked me in the eyes and was apparently satisfied with the results. “I don’t want to see you again, call whenever you think it’s necessary”. Laughter and that was it. I was very thank full for this experience. Getting support like this cannot be described in words. It has to be experienced. Is it fun? No. Is it cool? Yes. Getting to know the horror that is stored inside my body... Well it’s something else. Walking back to the car I wasn’t even completely in my body. It was like being in a time-lapse behind it. Like a silk scarf in the wind that follows the movement of that what pulls it.

Off the brakes
I haven’t really got anything done this week (matrix wise) and it’s Thursday as we speak. There is so much going on inside me but I can’t pinpoint what it is or what 'they' are. To be honest, I don’t want to. I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m slowing down. I’m slowing down for real. Not because my mind or the 'to-do' list tells me too but because It’s how it is. It's me slowing down and I'm freaking thankfull for that. This process is actually pain-full (full of pain, intresting). And I have an overwhelming urge to stop everything I’m doing. Just to stop myself completely. At least I allowed myself to take it easy and sleep it off. Did a lot of sleeping. It’s fascinating and it’s me that's doing it.

One breath at the time.

Naming my games

10 03 2011

Bodytalk
Today I had my second appointment with my Kinesiologist. The first time I was there, two specific points came trough. One was Earth the other was Water. They where both related to the elements/points of wood and fire. These two came trough as a ‘consequence’. Earth and water kind of in and as the polarity cancelling each other out. Leaving me stuck in the polarity middle or a loop sort of. Being stuck and unable to push/move. Fascinating stuff really.

So after this first consult I kind of stuck to a few simple goals for myself. I wanted to have a few simple routines that I could keep close to me daily and in every moment in an uncomplicated way. Just simple handy tools so I could be applying myself physically in every moment as much as possible. Mainly because I realize that I’m over complicating things most of the time. I had to be in the moment and breath as much as possible. Be in the moment and observe. Observing thoughts as they came up and don’t interact. Second point, keep moving in whatever I’m doing. Keep walking. Get it done, don’t hesitate. Take action again and again. And let go of what just happened as soon as possible.

So just by doing this I immediately got confronted with the waterfall of thoughts and the ridiculous little amount of time I spend in ‘the now’. It was a daily ‘mind-boggling’ experience watching these rivers of thoughts connect to feelings and emotions. So the next thing I tried to do was to apply self-forgiveness. This proved to be too much. This is where I kind of completely lost it.

Thoughts on the horizon
Now this I find very interesting. I noticed the following. Sometimes a thought came up but I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was actually just looking at it. No emotions, no feelings. I just watched them pas by like ships on the horizon. For example when driving my car I would see them as ‘things’ passing by. In the mean time I would breath and stay focussed on driving the car as me driving the car. Quite ‘ok’ actually. The strange thing being that I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was doing this. Then the next thing that would happen is my mind would kick in. “Shouldn’t you apply self forgiveness on that image that you just saw?”. “Come on you have to do this for yourself”. So I would go back to the image or thought, bring it back again and try to apply self forgiveness on it. I think what I should have done was adress 'the act' of me bringing these image or thoughts back. I 'saw' this as I was 'on the table' this afternoon.

Body support
I just didn’t see it staring me in the face. Got completely lost for words. And there it is. In the words. Naming the game. Keeping it simple. Not seeing the thing in front of me because I’m looking too far ahead. At the same time trying to apply self-forgiveness on the fact that I’m not able to see the real shit that’s right in front of me. What a mindfuck (LOL). This came to me as I was lying on the table talking to my Kinesiologist while she was working on me. It was really cool to have my own body giving me feedback like this. Thank you big time ‘buddy/body’.

Stop suppressing myself
When she asked me about specific points that I would like to address I brought this stuff up. I found it hard to be specific towards her because she speaks kind of a different language. The 'language' of Kinesiologists. I was able to communicate my point by explaining. That I had a ‘problem’ stopping my mind when thoughts and images would come. That I would judge myself when this happened and that these judgements would lead to suppression and ‘depression’. Causing friction thus energy and that this energy would manifest as the ‘hyper anxious me’. I told her I was kind of done with this ‘anxious me’. That this point needed 'change'. It has to be dissolved. I also explained the difficulties I experienced in voicing myself in and as simplicity. I experience my mind as this hysterical child that’s with me all day an it’s just tiring. Plain and specifically ‘simple’ voicing that’s what I would be able to do.

For example:


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not realizing that I have to just go to the toilet when I feel the urge to pee because this is not a healthy habit.


Instead off:


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not go to the toilet when I feel the need to pee.

I’m over complicating things all the time and I realize that it’s a big part of the way I programmed myself over the years. Taking way to much variables into my daily equations and situations. It’s no surprise that people see me as ‘distracted’ because I am. I realize that I find it very hard to be specific and give straight answers to seemingly straight forward questions.

Getting to ‘thee-point’ of self-intimacy
So she stopped me in my words and said “got it”. We both laughed and we started testing. At one point she asked me to massage (she knows I can do this) a specific point on the left side of my pubic bone. The moment I did this I noticed how sensitive and painful this was compared to the right side. So I asked her about this point and where it stood for.

It was related to my liver. "Having something on your liver" is a common phrase used in holland. So What’s on my liver? Interesting point. I did the massage and in the mean time she treated my back in the liver area. It took like one minute. Pain was gone and the little headache I had disappeared as well. This is really cool stuff. It’s immediate! It’s my body. No lies and instant truth about what’s here to be addressed. It also brought up the point of ‘self-intimacy’ very clearly. What does that mean to me? Well the proof of the pudding was in the eating. That’s what it was right there. Touch! just start touching. Just fucking do it instead of noticing shit in the mind. It’s again too simple to be true. So the whole point of self-intimacy bursted open for me right there. Cool as hell again. My new definition of Sex isn’t actually new. It’s that. It’s touch and giving yourself ‘real’ and specific ‘physical attention’. Checking myself by the millimetre. Point for point and start fucking talking to my body. I live inn it!

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not talk to my body

Willing and walking
So the next thing was the point of ‘willing myself’. This is related to points on the side of my hands under my pink (finger) “Learning from 'mis-takes' and ‘knowing’ what’s good for ‘one’-self”. These point are related to the small intestine. The part that takes care of getting the specific and necessary nutrients out of all the stuff we put in our body’s daily. Again, very cool because for me this is so clearly related to this point of ‘being specific’, in voicing myself. Getting the ‘specific information’ out. Exercising my ability as the small intestine to know what I’m looking for and get what I need to support myself. Not wasting time in the process. In relation to this point she suggested a ‘Kraneo’ head massage. So the next appointment is next Wednesday. Going to get my head examined finally.

Give yourself a present and visit a ‘good’ Kinesiologist. It’s cool beyond ‘words’.

It's not my fault...

07 03 2011

Resistance

Over the last week I noticed a build up of resistance. The changes I’m going trough and the insights I’m getting are not ‘happy and joyful’ ones. So like a little spoiled child I go into resistance. I crawl under a blanket avoiding the ‘bad and ugly monsters’. The difference being that there is no parent that corrects or confronts me and that the monsters are created by myself. There is only me ‘as the parent’. So I create a lot of friction because I’m in a permanent state of polarity. Judging away at myself and at the same time realising that this is not the way to go. I lock up instead of applying myself immediately in those moments. To stop and breath. One particular point is important though. Taking a brake is not a ‘bad’ thing It’s taking an effective brake that’s the point here (I think).

A freaked out squirrel

There is this design job I’m working on. I started a weekend ago and I presented the first Ideas to the client on Tuesday last week. I was convinced it was good and I would get the ‘go ahead’ for working out the ideas. This was not the case. And although I realized nothing bad happened, my fears and ego got in the way big time. Also finishing the last DIP assignment was laying on the table downstairs. I locked into this pattern of being nerved and anxious. I have to perform, be disciplined, keep working. Go, go, go. It’s not a pattern actually. I think it’s part of the personality I created over the years. Hyped up. Never here. The expression would be a stressed out nut gathering squirrel on a branch looking for another tree that’s just too far away. He jumps, hits a few branches and lands on the Forrest floor (loosing his nuts in the process). He’s now on the same Forrest floor he should have used in the first place to get to the other tree. Now he climbs into the same tree again and repeats himself. I don’t want to judge myself to hard here but this is one stupid squirrel.

Hello personality

Wanting to be good and professional. Trying way too hard to be good and when the first obstacle presents itself the drama-queen stands up. A nervous, hyped up and insecure little kid that doesn’t now what to do or go about the simple things in front of him. I hysterical give into all the points my mind presents. And all that is presented are points of resistance and distraction that don’t support me whatsoever. Running away as far as I can from the confrontation.

Sidetracks

It’s the real shit here. What does it really mean to stop? To stop and take responsibilty for me and do what’s best for me, what’s best for all. Flight patterns that’s what they are. Instead of taking a real brake and just stop, go outside and walk for an hour (to the next tree). I find myself on the internet looking at horrific war imagery from Iraq and Afghanistan. Downloading a movie so I have something to watch in bed under the cover of ‘taking a brake’. Next thing I notice, it’s way too late and I’ve allowed myself to be sidetracked for a ridiculous amount of time. At the same time I’m permanently aware of myself doing this. There was this little voice saying ‘Mike come on, stop’. Mike you know what you are doing, stop’. I didn’t. Like a junkie I just kept on avoiding the things I had to address. The longer this lasted the bigger became the friction. The bigger the friction the more energy was generated. I locked inn, got possessed and eventually I was not productive at all.

Looping

What does this tell me. First of all. I must be more aware of the highs and lows. The way I charge myself with energy. It’s a fucker and it fucks me every time. It’s part of the personality I created and it has to come down. This has to be dissolved. So I must again remind myself and bring into action the ‘stopping’. What does stopping and slowing down practically mean to me? This I have to bring into the physical. Practically apply myself here. If not, I will be writing the same shit down again next week.

Keep it simple stupid

It’s too simple to believe actually. Maybe that’s why I cant do it. It’s a believe system I simply have to drop. Nothing is simple, can’t be. So now stress out Mike because it’s ‘hopeless’, I’m hopeless, I’m to stupid to understand. Run Forrest, run. So I run. I run onto the internet, I run into pictures, thoughts and emotions that have nothing to do with me or the thing standing in front of me. It’s a lie I believe in. Believes based on inferiority and fear of losing. It’s my superego versus that scary kid that isn’t allowed to speak about his fears and getting the support he needs. I’m starting to look at what I accepted and have allowed myself to become as the mind. A few months ago I would have been on the couch smoking my weed and go adios bad world. So these things slapping me in the face shouldn’t be a surprise actually.

Stand and deliver

I charged myself way to much last week and forgot to just stop, take a step back and look at myself from a different perspective. Instead I got consumed by taking on one thing after the other thinking that’s the productive way to go. A false sense of pushing. Look I’m pushing. I’m ok. I’m not lazy. In the mean time I was not productive at all And when the weekend came I was completely nervous and hyped up. Let’s see how this week goes.

Bleeding the system

04 03 2011

Being infected
The alarm bel woke me up. I was in the middle of a dream. I was in a hospital and at the same time I had a new place a new house. My new place didn’t have floors anymore so everything was at ground level. The rooms had walls of glass. The hospital and this house kind of merged together. The house was like in the hospital. I was in the hospital with only 2 or 3 other people. They might have been nurses or doctors but I gave them little attention. The hallways where kind of dark but I could see daylight seeping through some parts of the building. I was there because something or things literally crawled under my skin.

Let it bleed
If I looked at my hands I could see them moving, causing my skin to expand. Small entities the size of match-heads moving rapidly trough the vanes in my body. I felt no fear I just looked at it and decided to open a blood-vessel to see what they where. So I did. I did it with a fingernail and it was very easy. The bleeding was extensive so I removed myself from the room where the doctors where. As I was walking trough the abandoned hospital I left a trail of blood on the floor. Somehow I did this on purpose. Let my arm hang down to support the bleeding. Looking at my other arm I could see no more entities moving. There was absolutely no emotion but the bleeding caused a big mess. There where no sounds just the blood dripping on the floor. I new somebody would have to clean it up again so I decided to catch the blood in a T-shirt instead of letting it run out on the floor.

Being Mike Lammers
Next moment I’m in my new house with one of the doctors looking for something and at the same time explaining why it is that my house has see trough walls. I don’t remember the explanation though. If this would have been a movie it would probably be categorized as a psychological horror movie. I had no fear in this dream, no emotions. I was merely observing and acting as an actor would. That’s it.

As I woke up the first thing I noticed was that my body was actually hurting allover with my neck, arms and shoulders in particular. A slight headache and dazed. Like I would have been if I would have been smoking weed the night before. First thing I wanted to do is switch of the alarm clock and sleep for the rest of the day. Even now after a good cup of coffee I could go to bed and be asleep within five minutes.

Reality is a hospital
The hospital is the outside world. The glass house is me. Although I can look trough the walls, I’m still not able to walk trough them. Looking trough doesn’t mean that everything is clear. There are reflections and images are warped as the light passes trough the class. I noticed that the house only had my essentials in it. That’s something that’s on my mind as well lately. Stripping my life down to it’s essentials. This is also the big point of conflict. What is essential?

I remember going on a holiday to France when I was about 18 years old. I camped out in the middle of nowhere for about a week. It surprised me how little you need when nature is supportive. There was a little river that supplied drinking water from the mountains and if I had my daily calories everything would be perfect. I was there and that was it. No television, radio, books. There, breathing and being in the company of plants and animals. Perfect.

But that’s not reality is it? No, reality is dealing with me, my glass house. Walls of glass. Should I take them down as well? And than there is the dark hospital. Where the hardware is treated. This is where the medicine comes from. Medicine right. This is where I’m poisoned with the drugs of reality. This is where I have to get my money medicine. It comes from a dark hospital with only a couple of nurses and doctors. They are not there to make me healthy. They represent the few clients I have supplying me with the essential money-medicine I need to survive the hospital. It’s a business deal just like a real hospital. As long as they make money of me I’m allowed to stay inn. The moment my physical body starts supporting me they replace me with another patient to do business with. It’s the antibiotics equation isn’t it.

Reality doesn't change
I think this sums it up. Me myself and my work. The process, my house and the outside world. A dark hospital where I get the little medicine to survive in the physical reality that’s called society, leaving a trail of blood as I go along. Bleeding the system. Getting rid of entities via the physical body because that’s the only thing I can trust.

And right at this moment my overweight neighbours start fucking. The noise they make seeping trough the walls is a great sound track to the horror movie I call ‘daily life’.

Time / resistance

03 03 2011

Stuff

I find moving myself through resistance very hard to do. Two weeks ago I applied for a job at an advertising agency about 18 km from where I live. I’m looking for a steady job for quite a while now. Running my own business and everything that comes with it simply consumes to much time. And because my income isn’t steady there is always the fear of money. I’m alone so everything that needs to be done has to be done by me. Paperwork, the house, the car, shopping, cleaning, laundry, acquisition, networking, website, etc etc. 

Running Behind

I recently updated the software I work with. These are my tools. The better I understand how they work the more effective I am in producing my work efficiently. I used to invest rather a lot of time keeping up with the developments. The more I can do myself means less external costs. I’m lacking behind big time. It’s actually starting to slow me down. I have to look for stuff in manuals and menu's while I’m working.  At the same time the clock is ticking and I have to get shit done.

Parenting and planning

On top of that I deal with being a parent mostly every weekend. Picking up my daughter on Friday between 12:00-14:00 and returning her to school the next Monday around 08:00 in Germany. I can hardly get any work done during the weekend. I might watch some videos in the evening or read through the material but I can’t push myself to get out of bed and wright an assignment for example. A lot of resistance. This whole time versus money issue is so fucked up. It’s like there is no freedom at all. Every minute has to be planned and time managed or the whole thing falls apart. That’s the main reason I applied for a steady job. 

WTF

At the moment I find it undo able to get everything done to the minimum standards and investing a responsible amount of time into my Introduction course at the same time. Around 21.00 I’m mostly done. Cant really concentrate. After a day like today where I was really submerged in working out design issues for a client I notice this huge barrier when I switch over to the Desteni material. I start reading and I notice that I can’t get it into my head. And I know it has to become me. Not second nature but first nature. I don’t see myself doing this if my life stays organized like this and at the same time I don’t have a clue on how to organize it otherwise.

Today I got the phone call from the owner of the agency. And he told me he was very sorry but he just couldn’t fit me into a 4 day work schedule. He really needed someone that would be there at least 40 hours. In advertising this means at leat 50 to 55 hours a week. Not including drive time. It’s just impossible. The thing I keep running into is always the same. No option to work part-time. It’s either a shitty job that doesn’t bring enough money or working my ass off and come home wrecked. That’s when the other list has to be done. I know that there are people who do this. How?

When and how

It’s so abstract to me. it’s like that right now. I’m simply tired and want to lay down. Maybe watch a few videos in the videos section on the Desteni site but that’s it. Diving into the DIP, analysing sentences, interpreting words in english and than writing it out. No thanks. My head refuses completely. This is not working. I assumed that an hour a day as was indicated would be enough to stay on track. But I can’t get it done. It all takes way more time than I expected.

Really have to breath and relax now. Been behind this computer from 08.15 this morning with hardly no breaks. I want to lie down now and I’m going to lie down now. Today is done.

In respons to mail from A

A.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

- ‘BackChat’ - yes

- not moving - no

- experiencing yourself differently – yes

- self-doubt as self-sabotage - at times

- self-correction - not in every moment

- apply ourselves within the material - find this very hard in daily reality

- document our day to day experiences - often lost for words and also discipline

- doubting whether you should be in the DesteniIProcess - no

- accepted role(s) - yes, but I’m aware and acting on them

- you don’t feel you are effectively moving - yes

- not willing to change - yes and no

- survival linked to ego, money or a point of self-acceptance - yes, interesting point

A.

If you do not yet see Self within this ‘Equality Equation’ then your self-forgiveness is useless. So I suggest the following: Make a list of all the points you have been working on over the last few months. Then next to each point you write down where within the point have you not been able to stop and self forgive.

So what comes up for me right now?

 - work/money

Work has to be done first before all else. Money doesn’t fall from the sky. It enables me to do what I’m doing in the first place. Responsibility towards the minimum quality of the work and satisfaction of my clients nr. 1 priority.

- addiction

stopped weed again around the 13.th of january for the second time(loop). Committed to stand this time. Hard. Very hard. Physical reaction. Pain in arms, shoulders, back. Very unpleasant. Don’t know if it’s solely because of weed or that other points/forces are joining in at the moment. The pains do not fade and don’t go away. Still standing, still committed. But very hard at times. Also sadness and grief. I don’t think it’s self pity. It’s more like realising the time I wasted and the harm I caused in the process. So, ok self pitty after all. 

- patience

I think I want to do to much too fast. It’s a remark I got from a lot people in the past. Slow down man, relax. Rome wasn’t built in a day, etc. Also this ‘Bart Simpson’ syndrome of hyperactivity. Slow the fuck down. I’m sure there are people who get more done in a day. I’m however not those people. I’m me battling my own demons and I’m having a fucking hard time doing so (self pitty?). No I’m actually having a very hard time coping with my own shit here. I’m waltzing on a very thin line. I’m sure in time I might look back on my own stupidity and have a good laugh about this period. At the moment it is what it is. As ‘A’ wrote “it took her months of writing” to get where she is. Well I’m certainly not there yet. So got a lot of writing and self forgiveness ahead of me. 

Trying to fit everything into my life right now is hard enough as it is. Off coarse there are many points that I run into everyday that need immediate attention. I’m simply not able to give this to myself yet. So I take notice and start over. Next step is to document these events so they stick with me. So at the end of the day I can apply self forgiveness more effectively because the point is clearly written down or spoken into a memo recorder. This point could definitively be improved with a bit more discipline in combination with writing everyday. This is closely related to the point of ‘discipline’.

- ego/manifesting myself/talking/preaching

I notice that I lose myself when I’m with family. I don’t see my ‘friends’ that much. I’m pretty much on my own which is a point to look into as well. I feel very lonely and hollow at times. At the same time this surprises me because I never had problems with being alone in the past or as a child. On the other hand this could be my imagination because there where always ‘friends’ around. The main difference however is realizing that I’m alone in the first place. “there is only me”. One of my most prominent patterns was/is ‘superego’ so it’s no surprise that taking the sole responsibility for myself is not the easiest thing I ever did and that there is a big demon present that is not leaving without a fight (or two). OMG this is such a huge point. It’s present the moment I have to be social especially with family. People who are willing to accept so much more abuse from me than the average person. So I’m having troubles here. It’s clear to me I see it. What do I do? Stop visiting? Reduce visits? I’m loosing myself in those moments with people that are supposedly close to me. At the same time I’m able to observe what I’m doing. It’s a horror show. Not that it’s going wrong all the time. There is also progress being made. I mean I’m being aware of what I’m doing a lot of the time and that’s a ‘blessing’ in itself. I have to beware not to feed my ego though. Such a ‘blessing’ is not a compliment. It’s a point of awareness, something to write about and have a look at.

- discipline

I know it’s dangerous to compare myself to myself in the past. If I knew another way of checking my progress I would do so. I use my past as a box of reference. How did I do-what do I do. Writing as I do now helps me to kind of create a third perspective in words as I will read them back wen they are posted. Yes I should wright everyday. Yes I gave into resistance and didn’t wright under the excuse of fatigue. Yes I gave in to bad temper, self pity and laziness. No more. That’s why discipline is on the list as a point to work on in every moment, every breath. I will probably fall a million times. I will also get up again and will myself on this point. My main concern is the point as written above. Wright everyday! Regardless of my state of mind or the quality of my writings. Just fucking wright. Even if it’s just flag points or keywords wright goddamn it. I will wright... 

Continue tomorrow.

For now

28 02 2011
So how am I doing? To be honest, things don’t seem to be going so well. Right at this moment I notice a lot of resistance inside because of the ‘english’ I have to wright. But even if I had to do this in dutch it would probably be the same. I’m kind of all over the place.

Really don’t know where to start and how to make this a coherent story. So if this goes from z to a, I’m sorry in advance. Maybe it’s best to just sum up some keypoints from the last weeks.

- Applied for a steady job
- Went to the kinesiologist (did muscle communication)
- Got extremely restless afterwards
- Went to the chiropractor the next day to realign my vertebrae
- Got extremely tired and still am
- Conflict between me and my parents regarding the way I raise my daughter
- Settled a money argument with a client (75% is paid)
- Got completely possessed by thoughts, fears and emotions
- Lot’s of resistance regarding my process
- Very Depressed
- My father had an heart attack

Rest-less
So business wise I put an end to a very nervous period. This had to do with money off coarse. I finally settled a financial disagreement with a client. This calmed my nerves a little. Just as I planned to take my foot of the gas and calm myself down a little, a new and an existing client called. Both had work that had to be done fast. On top of this I visited a kinesiologist or whatever it’s called in English and I had my first consultation. Also my back had shifted the week before so my back wasn’t straight. A lot of old stuff was addressed through muscle communication. It was very interesting but I got extremely nervous and a lot of anxiety came up afterwards. It was a nervous state that was very hard to bare on top of my usual restlessness. I kind of completely locked into these typical personality patterns I sort of define as ‘my old self’. I got extremely disappointed with myself and I ignored this. The next day I went to the chiropractor to have my back straightened. Immediately afterwards I had an appointment with this new client. As I got home a got extremely tired. It was overwhelming and I completely lost track of myself. Couldn’t think straight and at the same time I couldn’t sleep because of the restlessness. Breathing didn’t help and most of the time I simply forgot to breath.

The following week I got a phone call from my mother around 07:30. My father just had an heart attack and was transported to the hospital in an ambulance. My mother was very sick so she couldn’t join. I went over to see her and immediately thereafter went to the hospital to see how bad it was. By this time I kind of went into a trance state. I was so tired. Everything was kind of blurry, suppressed, hollow, empty. It was like every definition inside of me went into this black hole. I felt completely empty and tired. I could have been shot right there. I felt nothing. I ran on a few thoughts and a simple list. Go to the hospital, see how he’s doing, go back to mom and tell her. Get to work. Check email, etc. Nothingness. Just sheer nothingness.

Mommy I failed
I started working on my DIP assignment. But it was like it wasn’t me that was reading the material and working trough the words. Couldn’t get my head straight. Lost. Completely lost myself. I failed my assignment. Which was to be expected but the feelings of inferiority combined with clouds of superego that produced lighting bolts of fear and anxiety came anyway. Couldn’t stop it and I felt completely fucked. I.o.w. I fucked myself.

Addiction points
I again stopped smoking weed around the 13th of january for the second time. I’m committed to stand this time. This probably plays a major part in what I am observing and experiencing right now. Observing myself over the past few weeks I think ‘cold turkey’ would be the best description. I can only say yes to the fact that I indeed am a robot. It feels like fighting a factory of machines inside myself. They don’t get tired but I do. It’s sheer horror and my body feels like a bomb went off inside. This is all new to me and at times it scares the crap out of me. I just crawl into bed and try to sleep. Never felt so fucked in my entire life. Wondering how the hell I’m going to produce something substantial wen it comes to work. I mean this shit has to be done, it pays the fucking rent.

So I made this my priority list.

- Breathing
- Work and money
- Timemanagement
- My daughter
- DIP
- Family

My shoulders are beginning to hurt again. Going to stop. Keep you posted.

Killing my own darlings

25 01 2011

Where my money comes from?
I wasn’t consistent in my daily writings the past few weeks. Been working hard in the matrix because the money point needed attention big time. Lot's of fears and I was drifting all over the place. April 2010 I started working on a rather big project. For a company that does 24 million euros in revenues a year. I mainly work on corporate identity projects. These projects take time which means I don’t have to be in involved in cold acquisition every month. I wouldn’t survive the horror of having to do that. Anyway It’s a lot of work meaning a lot of hours. Doing one big project a year brings in about 10-15.000,- on top off the small stuff. This is just enough for me to survive and pay the morgage.

Moving inside the wolfpack
Make no mistake, this is the corporate world. I love my work but 'that world' is a different story. The corporate world is 'fuckup' beyond believe. I’m independent since 2006 but earning money in this system is no fairy-tale. I mostly deal with people on general management level. This means I as an outsider always step into a group in which the rules are already laid out. So before I can do my thing I have to know the rules of the pack I’m getting myself into.

The pack from the inside out 
Imagine people closely working together for more than eleven years. They have there own codes, lingo and group behaviour. I’m never sure if what I see is what I get. There are so many unwritten rules and secrets. So much psychology I’m not aware of and at the same time I’m responsible for fairly intensive periods of change within an organisation. In theory you could say it’s their own wish, they want to change and they need the expert advice. Getting this done is another story though. I’m dealing with people and confront them with change that wil affect their daily lives. These are the hard facts about working inside a pack. The pack is always more important then the individual. This relates back to the 'corporate identity', meaning that I will be confronted with different opinions, ego’s and resistance sooner or later.

The misconception of 'value'
A lot of corporate identity issues have to do with ‘perceived value or intrinsic value’. This means that a lot of what is communicated has nothing to do with measurable facts or 'real' value. Being in this process of confronting myself in self-honesty is the opposite of my daily work. It’s schizophrenic beyond words. Corporate communication is the business of professional liars and spin-doctors. All those companies claim human values and the whole spectrum of clichés that go with it. I’m on the inside observing from the war rooms of deception. The company I was working for employs 75 people that they hire out to large institutions in the Netherlands. Hospitals, schools, government and large companies. Big IT projects that need management. I soon found out that the management team knew exactly what they where inn for. In contrast to the CEO who was still completely in the dark

Being part of the illusion
After my first presentation about the strategy and proposed identity they where very impressed and they liked the strategy, visionary aspects and points off change I presented. I got my first uncensored feedback from people below the general management and the CEO. People that where in the field. The breathing living workforce that makes an organisation what it is. The physical reality of this brand. They addressed the pressure points spot on. That’s when I started to feel really uncomfortable. They asked exactly the same questions I asked the CEO 3 months earlier. He told me he was going to create an internal team of people that would take on the task of internalising the new strategies within the organisation. So to be confronted with the fact that this didn’t happen in the middle of a presentation in front of all employees had to be rather embarrassing for mister CEO. But what I observed blew my mind. He stepped forward and without hesitation and full of confidence started ranting about the future, sharing, personal targets etc. etc. He was completely in his own world as I watched in horror how 75 people slowly but steadily lost complete interest or got hypnotized by words without any substance.

Stuck in nothingness
I felt ashamed to be there. I felt like the people in the audience. Being fucked with a straight face. And there I am. Me, my, a company consultant next to this person who completely believes his own story. I can’t even blame him. I mean I’m just as mindfucked as he is, it’s just in a different place. But in that moment I somehow knew this was not going to work. It was not real and my strategy was built on real values that had to be in place otherwise this strategy would not work. Afterwards People on the board (asskissers to the CEO) spoke to me. I got compliments, taps on the back you know the drill. So I’m driving home in this snowblast not being able to really drive and my mind is everywhere. It’s not going to work. He does not understand or sees it. Doesn’t take himself serious enough and he’s leading the company not me. What can I do?

To do or not to do?
Nothing. There is absolutely nothing I can do. Making a stand would mean confronting this man. The outcome of telling men with ego’s the size of aircraft carriers the painful truth is shockingly simple. You get eliminated as a threat. Removed from their matrix and replaced by someone who doesn’t ask questions. I’m inside a part of the moneysystem generator. It’s so clear, shockingly clear. In these moments I really lose it. Horrible fear! Sickening vibes in my stomach. Not a clou of how I would be able to apply myself in this line of work in the future.

Not being directive enough
Third big project as an independent consultant and I more or less knew this one was not going to have an happy ending. I decided to just stick to it. I needed the money. So in that moment I kind of decided I would be prostituting myself. And If I was to be making money I would have to keep doing it. This would get to a point where money would meet my ethics and self-honesty and I would brake and loose it. To cut a long story short. Because of his complete lack of knowledge on the subject a lot of hours had to be added in what could have been a fairly straightforward process. So eventually I add up the hours over a two month period and this ads up to 227 billable hours. The CEO promised me he would straighten out the financial aspects with me before he went on a four week holiday with his family.

Consequences
I mailed him several times and a day before he would fly I got him on the telephone. He promised to have a proposal on my desk before he flew. He flew without the promised proposal. That’s where it cracked. So I wrote my first honest mail. In which I confronted him as a person that not stood to his own word. In other words I called him a liar. This is not done in business. I received a reply full off apologies and the next promise that he would have everything in order the moment he returned from his holiday. I was on him the same day he returned. Nothing. Fried air and bullshit-bingo excuses. In that moment I played out the only card I had wich was the very expensive corporate brochure that was going into production. Half of it was paid in advance so his MONEY was in there. I told him that legally I owned the creative and intellectual contents of that brochure (which is actually true but very hard and EXPENSIVE! to defend in court). So this worked. I also told him I wanted all the money he owed me at once. No more spread out payments or tax constructs. Pay the fucking money. I wrote a mail that was angry, personal and had all the raw facts of his behaviour in it. The money was transferred and I committed commercial suicide. That was yesterday. That’s the moneyfuck.

Tomorrow I will be Walking the streets again looking for another customer to screw. It sickens me. Tomorrow I’m going to apply for a job. Again!

It's in my DNA

25 02 2011

New client evokes 'energy'
So, let’s do this. Ok. Had a productive and enjoyable day (business wise). Which brings me to my daily words-thoughts and feelings. This morning I was invited to a strategic brainstorm regarding the biggest city in the east of holland called Enschede. Every big city makes claims and we had to come up with one for Enschede. For example Vegas used to claim “what happens in Vegas stays in vegas”. Easy to remember with a drip of humor so it sticks in ones mind. In advertising this trick is called “brain positioning” and there are a lot of strategies/ways to do this (great job in psychological warfare I have). But I have a few principles otherwise the schizophrenia in relation to my process would be unbearable. In this particular case it was rather fun and enjoyable.

Where I come from
In the early 20th century Enschede belonged to the biggest textile producing city’s in the world. And strange as it may sound it was also the biggest advertising capital in holland sharing this position wit Amsterdam. Amsterdam was about money and goods, Enschede was about Textile. It’s still called Textown by a lot of people. The whole region where I live was dependant on textile. Whole villages lived from the local textile factory that was present. In the village where I live (haaksbergen) you can still see this. The big houses that belonged to the daily factory management where closest to where the factory would be. The further from the factory, the smaller the houses. These houses are still called ‘labour houses’. They where build by the textile baron (dictator) same as the theater, the museum, the park. All textile money. Then you had the have not’s who didn’t belong to this structure. They where on there own and left to there own devices. Very poor mostly living of the land in huts you can hardly call homes. I talked to my grandmother about this wen she was still alive so it’s close to me. It’s really the world reduced to a village and a textile factory. Sounds familiar? America was build on exactly the same principle with railways connecting the city’s together. A bit like what the internet is doing right now. America is a European concept imported with the Europeans as was Apartheid in South Africa.

My birthplace and herritage
Everybody knew everybody in town so there was ‘social control’ as well. There would always be ears and eyes. George Orwell stuff really. So my father, just like his father was preprogrammed to end up behind a machine in a textile factory. Which off coarse happened. He was 14 years old wen he started working in a noisy, dusty plant. There where simply no other options. This is where the Desteni material comes inn. If you where born into a ‘management’ family you would live out your life according to the boundaries set for that group. If you where born in a ‘workers’ family etc. Now here is the strange thing. My grandfather was born as a ‘Lammers’ but the family couldn’t find any traces that went further back than that? That’s at least strange in a village where everybody knows everybody. I mean if you would fart in church your name would be known, halleluja.

The privilige of guild
A few years back wen my grandmother died we discovered that my great grandfather was a 'Jordaan' and not a 'Lammers'. He was a member of the big textile family that ruled over the little village. This man had a very illusive reputation and a female housekeeper that got pregnant. She was forced to marry a factory worker also called Derk (Lammers). This 'created' family got their own little door in the wall surrounding the factory. Completely bizarre. No other factory worker ever was given this privilege I mean this is really creepy. My father was never told by his own parents. They had to die first before the secret came out. The moment I got this news I wondered what this meant in relation to my family tree and DNA. I mean, how big can the contrast be. My bloodline runs back into two completely different families. One of them being the bourgeois the other poor factory workers. I also wonder if the above has anything to do with my father being able to eventually work his way up to become a print designer for The Jorzelino brand. This normally would have been impossible for the 'normal' folk.

Inventing Enschede
Eventually in the 60s asia became the centre for textile production in the world and the whole region where we lived went into a deep recession. Imagine how this must have been. The hole structure was build on textile and it collapsed completely. So it took everything and everybody with it. The whole region was forced to reinvent its self. So wen the session kicked of this morning, it was said that Enschede really needed transformation. This was worked into one of the first remarks I gave during this brainstorm. I said that this was a process that all ready started back in the sixties nothing shocking. So if there was one starting point for positioning this town it would be ‘Transformation’.

Information inside my body
All this family stuff was with me as we started to brainstorm at the communication agency this morning. I noticed that I was one of the few people that really new the region and it’s particulars. Most people present where not as well informed as I was on this subject so I was able to put a lot into the group and we really kicked ass this morning. I felt at ease with myself also because I limited my sleeping hours this week to a minimum. I stopped weed last week and having little sleep helps me to stay more or less relaxed during the day. I don’t get hyped up so much because I’m simply to tired. I was more focussed than I normally am. I was also more able to listen what was coming over the table from the other participants. It felt rather good and I was really trying hard to be professional and not let my ego or pride fuck things up. I loose my self very easily wen I get enthusiastic. Which is an emotion anyway thus not real. Anyway I made some very good contacts and made my money in the process. I did OK today and I was professional and productive which feels refreshingly good (which is an emotion thus not real). It was quite cool to be able to observe myself and at the same time be really productive and part of a group making money at the same time. I couldn’t help thinking about this strange outflow regarding my family though. I felt authority on the subject running trough my vanes (which is ego thus not real). But it helped me to stand in the matrix equal to the money I want as the Professional they hired to do a job.

A bit intimidated
There where a few moments I got carried away because of the dynamics of the group. I mean MT was there who is kind of the godfather of advertising in the east of holland and founder of the famous M agency. He and I had a very nice creative vibe going. It was the first cool professional day I had in years. But I was very aware of my emotions as I drove back home. Kept breathing and kept myself stable and calm reasonably well. I heart J’s voice next to my on a couple of occasions. Reminding me to shut up and listen unconditionally. Today was a learning experience in the physical and it was cool. Another point that keeps coming up is my yearning for a dog. I always had dogs and I wonder if it would be good for me to go find a pup. This house has only me in it. I think it needs more life. I really do.

I'm cool (sort of)

Feeling more stable (quess I have to thank myself for this...). Have to focus on a few important matrix tasks regarding a few of my clients. My money point needs attention. I will give it that.

Hammer came down

23 02 2011


Ok, short update. My body hurts. Specifically my upper arms and lower back. Warm and cold flashes all day running up and down my spine and pulsing round my solar plexus and kidneys. Overall shakiness and vibration. Not feeling stable at all. Beginning to worry about being able to get my matrix work done tomorrow. Also a bit confused about the assignments I downloaded yesterday and how to get all this down and having to do a lot of business stuff as well the coming days. Breath Mike. Yes. So Going downstairs now. My daughter is waiting for me. Tonight I’ll take her back to germany around 19.00 hrs. We slept out this morning. She needed it and I did as well. We had a very nice day together. Going to watch the videos tonight and make a start with my first assignment.

Loosing myself going into patterns

22 01 2011
Just had a Skype with J. The first thing that comes to mind is speed and information and the way I process all this information that is coming to me solely in my head. I try to ‘understand’ but I don’t. I have to see but I don’t. I have to will myself. Second thing. Pride and ego and trowing words out there that have no significance or connection with what I have to walk here in every moment. I see this as being ‘of track’. I don’t see what is so I can’t act on it. At the same time I ‘know’ it’s about ‘doing’. Stopping myself, willing myself. I’m frying my brains here which is unnecessary and ridiculous because I have to breath and slow down. There is more than enough on my plate as it is. I’m not going to accept this restlessness to continue.

I’m having a really hard time coping with the amount of information coming in and that what I accept and allow to take on. It’s a process Mike. Steps please. What do I expect of myself and which point is it that I have to walk as the point that has to be dissolved first. Can I agree on at least one point to focus on and take that as the point to walk? I don’t know and I don’t see. There is so much to write about and I find it hard to stay centred in what I want and have to take on. It get’s a bit blurry I muss confess.

Feeling stressed actually.

Going to watch the rest of the videos now. I will listen unconditionally and not take notes anymore. Because this requires me to push the pause button which means I’m not listening anymore. After that I will only post the notes I already made and try to describe how I feel in that moment. Than I will sleep. Tomorrow is for my daughter and monday it’s work. There is a lot for me to do this week. I feel rushed or I’m rushing myself to much and there is lack of focus on a where I want to go from here. Find it so hard to put my state into words. I’m scattered and not helping myself fruitfully here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to mix up information without having a clou about what I was saying
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to scatter in trying to cope with information overload
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to pull the information in myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I understood what was coming in
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to structure information I’m not yet capable of structuring
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think instead of listening unconditionally
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to divide my attention instead of focussing on a single specific point
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not make a overview of the things ahead
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to stay up to long and get information addicted
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try and keep up with insights I simply not have yet
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think this is a race I can win
Scattering again :(
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel selfpitty

Ok enough go watch the vid now!

Smoking and missing my brother (again)

22 01 2011
Stopped weed again after last weekend (the ‘E’ weekend) and I notice a dramatic increase in my nicotine consumption. Which at the moment could be described as ‘chain~~smoking’. The usual pattern would be me doing stuff like planning, concepting, designing or whatever. After finishing like a ‘section’ of work I would take a cigarette lean back and reflect on what is in front of me. Either in my ‘mind’, writing or ‘image’. I always enjoy those cigarettes. The taste, the smoke, the flavour. I ‘enjoy’ those smokes period. This is different though. My throat is sour the smoke tastes sharp and sour and there is no ‘enjoyment’. When I smoke weed It’s mostly after everything is done. This may come as no surprise to those who are experienced potheads that have to make a living for themselves.

I ones did an experiment with a colleague and friend J.K. We both worked for the same advertising agency. Normally every day was stuffed with work and we would be going home with a buzz in our heads and burning eyes from staring at monitors for way too long and having headaches from being in a ‘air-conditioned sick-building’.

In this case we where nearing the end of a project so the stress levels where decreasing. We where on our lunch brake and around 14.00 hours walking through the centre of Enschede (that would be in the netherlands). So we passed by the famous coffeeshop Mix. Maybe I have to explain that you can order coffee there but most people buy they’re weed or hasj in ‘a coffeeshop’. This is holland remember. So we walked through this cloud of fine cannabis odours and potheads as we are we take a deep breath. Ooh nice. I had this unwritten rule to never be under influence while working, especially while working inside with other people. But we looked at each other and decided to do an experiment. We would buy a ‘ready-rolled’ and smoke it while walking back to the office and see what would happen those last 4 hours of the day. So that we did. While smoking we walked and the THC kicked in. It was in the mid of summer so we felt chill and relaxed behind our sunglasses. Up till the moment we entered the office building and got into the elevator.

The bussing of the airco, the remains of smells from other people, the electricity. The whole experience immediately changed. My heart rate increased and I didn’t feel ‘comfortable’ anymore. Back at my desk I dove back into my work and the first thing I noticed was that my thoughts where like a bunch of hysterical children running around in my head. My mind was unable to get back into the programming needed for the work on hand. If I focussed on my layouts my eyes kind of had there own plan. I wanted to look there but they where over here. It would have been funny if my heart wasn’t pounding like it did. The whole room felt like this scene from the matrix where neo sees 3 agents at the end of the hallway and everything is in green code but I was definitly not ‘the one’. OK 3,5 more hours to go and I’m out a here. What a nightmare. I looked at J.K. and he looked back with ay very affirmative look in his eyes as we made ‘the pistol to the head gesture’. He was going through the exact same experience. Now we had this room where we made mockups, prints and dummybooks. Kind of the illegal retreat room so to speak. We gave each other the sign and got the hell out of the studio.

First reaction J.K.? “A nightmare!” Specifics? Anxiety, claustrophobia, panic, etc. It was the same with me. The whole environment became ‘hostile’ in our experience. Now what did this tell us? I mean are we freaking out or are we becoming aware of the insanity of this place? We both opted for the last conclusion.

What does this tell me about weed. I mean weed is my stability point. I adore this stuff like a brother (or sister). I remember the first time I had my own harvest and I mean harvest! It was like 1,5kg from one tree I was allowed to grow in my mothers garden. W and I took it back to Almelo where I studied at the deva. We could smoke as much as we wanted because we didn’t have to pay a penny for the shit and it sold well in school. So we were smoking like 4-6 grams at once in water pipes just to see what would happen. Shit happened believe me. Listening to Kind of blue by Miles Davis became like a ride on the back of an elephant over the bottom of the ocean lit by fluorescent lightning. Captain Beefheart felt like an army of Trolls marching trough my room. Tom Waits sounded like Thor if he ever existed. I was transformed by those experiences back then and I really fell in love with weed. It was also my ultimate painkiller. I used it for everything and a lot of times it really supported me. Except for those moments I was hiding away from stuff. There’s my confession. ‘I’ ‘love’ it like a brother and stopping in my weed addiction feels like ending a very intimate ‘relationship’. In essence I think that’s what it is for me.

The outcome of our experiment only confirmed that ‘this brother’ was actually brutally clear about the environment I called my place of employment. It was hell there. Locked in to my normal system with ‘my brother’ at home waiting for me enabled me to bare the mental and physical lunacy that is ‘an advertising agency’. Stoned and in slow-motion with ‘brother’ whistling in my ear telling me the truth, it more or less became visible and sensible where I was and what was there. Of coarse ‘I’ knew I was under influence so I blamed brother for a bad trip. But was this really the case?
Relationships are always complicated but this one is mind boggling. I know its an addiction point. I see I’m addicted but the strange thing is...

I find stopping weed actually easier than cigarettes (I think). I really could use some perspective on this. In the abstract, If this where a choice I would quit smoking and remain a pothead though. It almost feels like mutual respect. And when I smoked pot at the end of a day my cigarette consumption always lay between 10-15 cigarettes on average. This becomes increasingly more interesting although I see it has nothing to do with self honesty and standing equal. It’s not about that. It’s an observation, I read the article about Marihuana and what it is meant to do.

But my question remains. Why am I smoking like a chimney right now? Where does this come from?

Ooops 02.32 have to be up at 07.00. Good night.

Points behind points behind points behind points....

20 01 2011


- Spitefulness
- Self-pity
- Self-responsabilty
- Self-forgivness
- Taking control / making a stand
- Moving trough resistance in the mental, physical and the matrix

Playfulness
Really don’t know where to start. It’s extensive and it’s huge, overwhelming, tiring, painful. f.u.c.k! Yesterday I was in germany. My daughter lives there with her mother who is a music and english teacher. I picked her up from school and we drove to her house. That evening C was giving a concert with all her students so we where asked politely to stay out as long as possible (lol). So we did. We paid a visit to her former kindergarten because that was what she wanted to do. After that we had dinner at the drive-inn and had a lot of fun together. So cool to spend time and I really like the way we are playful together. I mean she is my daughter so ‘I’ ‘understand’. It’s like all my shit moves to the background wen we ‘communicate’.

Yes no gods
After the concert and bedtime story my ex and I started to talk. she remarked on the way F and I made or entrance that evening (my daughter and I where a bit rebellious and I was in a ‘hyperstate’). So I got reprimanded for that in a specific way. I couln’t place it at first but I noticed her ‘female-power’. She really stood up in making her point and was very explicit doing so. At first we where into the usual ‘surface’ talk but because she more or less knows I’m doing some kind of ‘process’ she started asking questions. I think and am quite shure that this had to do with her worries of me not believing in ‘gods’ anymore (this is my observation). She is a very involved free evangelical christian so this had to step forward sooner or later.

My child
It’s her baby and she’s protective. At least that’s how I interpreted her initial reaction towards me. Anyway, we really got a conversation going and we didn’t had one like this for a very long time. At some point my addiction points got addressed. She started talking about her feelings and emotions during the time she got pregnant. We lived on my houseboat together while she was pregnant. My weed and porn addictions where allready in the open at that time so she knew I had a problem and she was in great pain because of this. I was having a burnout so I was a ‘double moron’ at the time. Unable to relate to her suffering (and my own). We moved from the boat I had to sell to a house I bought with lot’s of difficulties and everything intensified. Soon after my daughter was born we broke up.

So that's how you see me
She talked and addressed a lot of my ‘personality’ and reactive behaviour. She did this before but my head was a hole wen she talked. However this time I somehow really got the points she addressed and I felt a lot of -emotions- come up. I saw myself standing as the ass hole that I was in my words and deeds. It became increasingly painful and it was raw. I couldn’t control the tears that came up. It was that good and it hurt that much. I screwed her and myself big time but it was in the past so what could I do but let her talk it out. I listened and shivered. My stomach was on fire, tears where in my eyes and I felt nausea (is that the word for kind a wanting to trow up?). Than it hit me the moment she said enough talk Mike let me see it happening. And it hit me like a hammer! I have to get fucking going. Move myself. Bring it on. Make it happen. Be the change. Move. Push. Stand up. Why is it so fucking hard to just shut myself up and walk the walk. I was really devastated and emotional. Couldn’t stand and take it as useful information. 


The 911 call
C went to bed and I was in the living room alone. So I got my aging powerbook out planning to write at least some ‘keywords’ down so I would remember the next morning that there was a lot to address and what to address. The moment the operating system came on line a mail from J came inn. So I made a very brief statement about what had happened but I couldn’t send the email because of the local wifi configuration. So I took the phone and called J. It was about 00.15. It must have been no more than 2 or 3 sentences and J interupted me very bluntly.


“Dont dump your selfpitty on me”


-!@#$%^&*()-


Everything went kind a bananas in my head and body. Thoughts raced, my body tensed up. I tried to breath to no avail as J stepped on the gas a bit more. I crumbled like dutch spekulaas. Found it very difficult to keep focused on what J was ranting about. Feelings of anxiety and being out of breath. Defence mechanisms, Ego, fear, sadness, unbelieve. Mainly my ego got a well deserved uppercut again. Told J before boxing would be perfect as her sport (she’s a ‘natural’). Total short-cut, lightning and thunder that’s how it felt. J had no mercy she stepped it up a bit more and after I don’t now how long the rant kind of mellowed out and we said goodby.

Sleep over it
Conclusion as always. Get in fucking gear moron. Stop. Stand. Walk. Went to bed like a zombie and got up the same way. Was able to do what the I had to do today but was shaky all day. Lack of sleep as well I suppose. OK. Think it’s said. Next thing would be to address the spitefulness but I’m really to tired to do that right now.

Betablock

18 01 2011
Recap on the weekend. After a pretty hard working day around 17.30 J came in. I was on the phone and bumped into her in my living room. It was funny and she kicked my ass. We both had a big grin on our face the moment we saw each other. J has changed. I don’t know exactly what it is but she’s more mellow towards me. I’ll come back to this later. Two weeks ago J asked me to write about a few specific points. Being: ‘self dishonest regarding falling into addiction’ and ‘me in relation to women. Falling in love, loosing self in the relationship’. I really wanted to take this on but somehow I couldn’t get started. “There’s no excuse Mike”.

Blocking the Beta
Well, anyway last weekend was kind of really, really cool and really, really hard. Both points actually came forward in a way I didn’t expect. But that is always the case when J is involved. I started cooking and we talked. We always talk and we talk a lot. I have to adjust because I’m mostly alone in my house and then it’s quit. The main talking I do during the week is with clients and that is business talk, matrix talk. Which is incomparable with the way J and I talk. We talk so much that it’s hard for me to keep track of what and when and I really have to adjust to this. But I’m getting better at it. We made some salad with fish and had dinner. It was good. Afterwards I was in the kitchen and J asked if I was in for an experiment. Well this was the beginning of a very interesting weekend. We took a certain substance. It was so freaking cool. My mind went completely blanc, silence kicked in and there we where on the couch talking straight into a very long and fabulous night.

Shifts
Somehow I felt completely at ease with myself. My mind stopped ranting which is a gift in itself. And I observed. J had a very specific fear attack but it didn’t move me emotionally I was just there as me supporting J I suppose. Everything turned out fine. I cant bring everything back here in words but a lot of things started moving within me. Everything shifted it was so cool. This went on till about five or six in the morning. I think we had no more than an hours worth of sleep.

Getting feedback
Next day we chilled and talked about everything at our doorsteps at the moment. J is thinking about moving out of amsterdam and it’s interesting to observe my own (emotional) reaction to this point. Being able to spent more time with J... O shoot, there I go. Women, relationships, agreement, my process, addiction points, emotions and the unacceptable behaviour that is still me. The long road ahead, etc, etc. I’m really a moron and I don’t mind that J addresses me as such. So we talked about this shit. About the first months after we met again. The way I crawled under a stone after I fell after stopping my weed smoking habit. I couldn’t face J and share myself. So self dishonest screwing her in the process. Unacceptable yes!. Somewhere during the weekend she said “when two or more are walking...” Now this stuck in my mind so vividly. Why am I screwing myself this much. It just makes no(n)sense.

The addiction point of s*x
And we talked and talked. Come evening we watched a rather lousy movie which was OK just hanging on the couch letting the day be the day and me off coarse attacking another bunch of J’s body points. It’s becoming a reflex. The moment we are together and have physical contact my hands are on there own. It’s just so cool to really start discovering what ‘supporting each other’ implies in the physical. Sunday the sexpoint was adressed and reevaluated which was another great experience. Fuck it let’s fuck. so we did. It was so cool. The whole thing was a breeze and I think we both stepped to plate on this one. We really pushed a lot of stuff I cannot find words for. It’s moving. Things are moving. During all these moments I was permanently aware of this latent emotion of being ‘in love’. At the same time looking at it and breathing trough it. Emotions, not real. It made me cry several times. Just tears very little energy. I find it very hard to bring my experiences into words. I think we are simply cool together but in order for this to have any perspective I have to really start pushing myself even harder in being brutally honest with myself and stop. Just fucking stop and breathe. Eventually I lock inn. To much information for one weekend. My head just refused to work. Words become bubbles of sound and I really loose the ability to really listen and I become unstable. I was able to explain this to J without being a moron at the same time (lol).

Reactions
So, great weekend, great stuff, good insights and a big black hole. Sunday evening was planned for work but it was impossible. I couldnt move my arms and was just tired as hell. In bed I started burning, Stomach, neck, arms, my back. It was not a big fire but it was definetly not ‘cool’ . Burning down the house.

Next day J and I had a long phone call in which a lot of points where addressed again and talked about. Somewhere down the line I mentioned an sms I got from my former girlfriend and the response I gave. This opened up a big point. Spitefulness. Yes. After a rant from J about this manifestation of me it got to a point where everything stopped. There was nothing left. I sat in front of the window, could see my reflection but it could have been the other side of the universe. There was nothing. No-thing. I’m nothing. A bunch of crap that’s me. I’m so glad J keeps confronting me like this. It keeps me humble and grounded. Otherwise I might have been really happy after this weekend and that’s not what I want I think?

To finish off with a dream I had this morning. I was on the farm. Walking, talking and somehow the sun never rose?

Freaking tired, sleepy time.

Addiction points and falling

14 01 2011
Addiction in general. Am I admissible to addiction? Yes, very. If I look back on things I kind of programmed myself into a very compulsive personality. I think my addictions are the points I see the most clear. Weed, (porn/system) Sex, smoking, coffee. Very persistent points. When I look at my behaviour, It’s the same thing. I like to have routines to do stuff. Often these routines become compulsive in that I loose patience or get emotional when I’m not able to do stuff ‘my way’ or in other words ‘my routine’.

Programming 
Honesty? No. In my childhood I did a lot of ‘illegal stuff’. Things I couldn’t take home to my parents. Things I could not talk about. So I had to make up story’s. All lies and eventually this became part of my behaviour. I desperately wanted to feel accepted so I made everything bigger, better and more impressive than it actually was. I did the same thing in ‘relationships’. I thought women wanted a specific kind of man so I tried to be that man. Than off coarse I had to lie because I’m not ‘that man’. ‘A man’ doesn’t even exist. But although I was of sick of myself a lot of times, when I was honest and told the truth there would mostly be an argument or a lot of friction and emotion. So I stuck to my strategy of ‘selective communication’. I.o.w. total dishonesty.

Being self-honest
Things have changed though. It’s quite a relief to notice that It’s actually doable. But that has a lot to do with the way J is confronting me and me being able to open up to her and really ‘get it’. But it’s still there. Call it ‘I’, the mind, systems, whatever. J is on the move at high speed and sometimes this makes me kind of jealous. Another point to face. I know I have to face all these points one by one. Why is it so fucking hard to motivate myself? Painful observation. Self pitty?