Just had a Skype with J. The first thing that comes to mind is speed and information and the way I process all this information that is coming to me solely in my head. I try to ‘understand’ but I don’t. I have to see but I don’t. I have to will myself. Second thing. Pride and ego and trowing words out there that have no significance or connection with what I have to walk here in every moment. I see this as being ‘of track’. I don’t see what is so I can’t act on it. At the same time I ‘know’ it’s about ‘doing’. Stopping myself, willing myself. I’m frying my brains here which is unnecessary and ridiculous because I have to breath and slow down. There is more than enough on my plate as it is. I’m not going to accept this restlessness to continue.
I’m having a really hard time coping with the amount of information coming in and that what I accept and allow to take on. It’s a process Mike. Steps please. What do I expect of myself and which point is it that I have to walk as the point that has to be dissolved first. Can I agree on at least one point to focus on and take that as the point to walk? I don’t know and I don’t see. There is so much to write about and I find it hard to stay centred in what I want and have to take on. It get’s a bit blurry I muss confess.
Feeling stressed actually.
Going to watch the rest of the videos now. I will listen unconditionally and not take notes anymore. Because this requires me to push the pause button which means I’m not listening anymore. After that I will only post the notes I already made and try to describe how I feel in that moment. Than I will sleep. Tomorrow is for my daughter and monday it’s work. There is a lot for me to do this week. I feel rushed or I’m rushing myself to much and there is lack of focus on a where I want to go from here. Find it so hard to put my state into words. I’m scattered and not helping myself fruitfully here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to mix up information without having a clou about what I was saying
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to scatter in trying to cope with information overload
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to pull the information in myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I understood what was coming in
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to structure information I’m not yet capable of structuring
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think instead of listening unconditionally
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to divide my attention instead of focussing on a single specific point
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not make a overview of the things ahead
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to stay up to long and get information addicted
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try and keep up with insights I simply not have yet
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think this is a race I can win
Scattering again :(
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel selfpitty
Ok enough go watch the vid now!
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