Betablock

18 01 2011
Recap on the weekend. After a pretty hard working day around 17.30 J came in. I was on the phone and bumped into her in my living room. It was funny and she kicked my ass. We both had a big grin on our face the moment we saw each other. J has changed. I don’t know exactly what it is but she’s more mellow towards me. I’ll come back to this later. Two weeks ago J asked me to write about a few specific points. Being: ‘self dishonest regarding falling into addiction’ and ‘me in relation to women. Falling in love, loosing self in the relationship’. I really wanted to take this on but somehow I couldn’t get started. “There’s no excuse Mike”.

Blocking the Beta
Well, anyway last weekend was kind of really, really cool and really, really hard. Both points actually came forward in a way I didn’t expect. But that is always the case when J is involved. I started cooking and we talked. We always talk and we talk a lot. I have to adjust because I’m mostly alone in my house and then it’s quit. The main talking I do during the week is with clients and that is business talk, matrix talk. Which is incomparable with the way J and I talk. We talk so much that it’s hard for me to keep track of what and when and I really have to adjust to this. But I’m getting better at it. We made some salad with fish and had dinner. It was good. Afterwards I was in the kitchen and J asked if I was in for an experiment. Well this was the beginning of a very interesting weekend. We took a certain substance. It was so freaking cool. My mind went completely blanc, silence kicked in and there we where on the couch talking straight into a very long and fabulous night.

Shifts
Somehow I felt completely at ease with myself. My mind stopped ranting which is a gift in itself. And I observed. J had a very specific fear attack but it didn’t move me emotionally I was just there as me supporting J I suppose. Everything turned out fine. I cant bring everything back here in words but a lot of things started moving within me. Everything shifted it was so cool. This went on till about five or six in the morning. I think we had no more than an hours worth of sleep.

Getting feedback
Next day we chilled and talked about everything at our doorsteps at the moment. J is thinking about moving out of amsterdam and it’s interesting to observe my own (emotional) reaction to this point. Being able to spent more time with J... O shoot, there I go. Women, relationships, agreement, my process, addiction points, emotions and the unacceptable behaviour that is still me. The long road ahead, etc, etc. I’m really a moron and I don’t mind that J addresses me as such. So we talked about this shit. About the first months after we met again. The way I crawled under a stone after I fell after stopping my weed smoking habit. I couldn’t face J and share myself. So self dishonest screwing her in the process. Unacceptable yes!. Somewhere during the weekend she said “when two or more are walking...” Now this stuck in my mind so vividly. Why am I screwing myself this much. It just makes no(n)sense.

The addiction point of s*x
And we talked and talked. Come evening we watched a rather lousy movie which was OK just hanging on the couch letting the day be the day and me off coarse attacking another bunch of J’s body points. It’s becoming a reflex. The moment we are together and have physical contact my hands are on there own. It’s just so cool to really start discovering what ‘supporting each other’ implies in the physical. Sunday the sexpoint was adressed and reevaluated which was another great experience. Fuck it let’s fuck. so we did. It was so cool. The whole thing was a breeze and I think we both stepped to plate on this one. We really pushed a lot of stuff I cannot find words for. It’s moving. Things are moving. During all these moments I was permanently aware of this latent emotion of being ‘in love’. At the same time looking at it and breathing trough it. Emotions, not real. It made me cry several times. Just tears very little energy. I find it very hard to bring my experiences into words. I think we are simply cool together but in order for this to have any perspective I have to really start pushing myself even harder in being brutally honest with myself and stop. Just fucking stop and breathe. Eventually I lock inn. To much information for one weekend. My head just refused to work. Words become bubbles of sound and I really loose the ability to really listen and I become unstable. I was able to explain this to J without being a moron at the same time (lol).

Reactions
So, great weekend, great stuff, good insights and a big black hole. Sunday evening was planned for work but it was impossible. I couldnt move my arms and was just tired as hell. In bed I started burning, Stomach, neck, arms, my back. It was not a big fire but it was definetly not ‘cool’ . Burning down the house.

Next day J and I had a long phone call in which a lot of points where addressed again and talked about. Somewhere down the line I mentioned an sms I got from my former girlfriend and the response I gave. This opened up a big point. Spitefulness. Yes. After a rant from J about this manifestation of me it got to a point where everything stopped. There was nothing left. I sat in front of the window, could see my reflection but it could have been the other side of the universe. There was nothing. No-thing. I’m nothing. A bunch of crap that’s me. I’m so glad J keeps confronting me like this. It keeps me humble and grounded. Otherwise I might have been really happy after this weekend and that’s not what I want I think?

To finish off with a dream I had this morning. I was on the farm. Walking, talking and somehow the sun never rose?

Freaking tired, sleepy time.