Points behind points behind points behind points....

20 01 2011


- Spitefulness
- Self-pity
- Self-responsabilty
- Self-forgivness
- Taking control / making a stand
- Moving trough resistance in the mental, physical and the matrix

Playfulness
Really don’t know where to start. It’s extensive and it’s huge, overwhelming, tiring, painful. f.u.c.k! Yesterday I was in germany. My daughter lives there with her mother who is a music and english teacher. I picked her up from school and we drove to her house. That evening C was giving a concert with all her students so we where asked politely to stay out as long as possible (lol). So we did. We paid a visit to her former kindergarten because that was what she wanted to do. After that we had dinner at the drive-inn and had a lot of fun together. So cool to spend time and I really like the way we are playful together. I mean she is my daughter so ‘I’ ‘understand’. It’s like all my shit moves to the background wen we ‘communicate’.

Yes no gods
After the concert and bedtime story my ex and I started to talk. she remarked on the way F and I made or entrance that evening (my daughter and I where a bit rebellious and I was in a ‘hyperstate’). So I got reprimanded for that in a specific way. I couln’t place it at first but I noticed her ‘female-power’. She really stood up in making her point and was very explicit doing so. At first we where into the usual ‘surface’ talk but because she more or less knows I’m doing some kind of ‘process’ she started asking questions. I think and am quite shure that this had to do with her worries of me not believing in ‘gods’ anymore (this is my observation). She is a very involved free evangelical christian so this had to step forward sooner or later.

My child
It’s her baby and she’s protective. At least that’s how I interpreted her initial reaction towards me. Anyway, we really got a conversation going and we didn’t had one like this for a very long time. At some point my addiction points got addressed. She started talking about her feelings and emotions during the time she got pregnant. We lived on my houseboat together while she was pregnant. My weed and porn addictions where allready in the open at that time so she knew I had a problem and she was in great pain because of this. I was having a burnout so I was a ‘double moron’ at the time. Unable to relate to her suffering (and my own). We moved from the boat I had to sell to a house I bought with lot’s of difficulties and everything intensified. Soon after my daughter was born we broke up.

So that's how you see me
She talked and addressed a lot of my ‘personality’ and reactive behaviour. She did this before but my head was a hole wen she talked. However this time I somehow really got the points she addressed and I felt a lot of -emotions- come up. I saw myself standing as the ass hole that I was in my words and deeds. It became increasingly painful and it was raw. I couldn’t control the tears that came up. It was that good and it hurt that much. I screwed her and myself big time but it was in the past so what could I do but let her talk it out. I listened and shivered. My stomach was on fire, tears where in my eyes and I felt nausea (is that the word for kind a wanting to trow up?). Than it hit me the moment she said enough talk Mike let me see it happening. And it hit me like a hammer! I have to get fucking going. Move myself. Bring it on. Make it happen. Be the change. Move. Push. Stand up. Why is it so fucking hard to just shut myself up and walk the walk. I was really devastated and emotional. Couldn’t stand and take it as useful information. 


The 911 call
C went to bed and I was in the living room alone. So I got my aging powerbook out planning to write at least some ‘keywords’ down so I would remember the next morning that there was a lot to address and what to address. The moment the operating system came on line a mail from J came inn. So I made a very brief statement about what had happened but I couldn’t send the email because of the local wifi configuration. So I took the phone and called J. It was about 00.15. It must have been no more than 2 or 3 sentences and J interupted me very bluntly.


“Dont dump your selfpitty on me”


-!@#$%^&*()-


Everything went kind a bananas in my head and body. Thoughts raced, my body tensed up. I tried to breath to no avail as J stepped on the gas a bit more. I crumbled like dutch spekulaas. Found it very difficult to keep focused on what J was ranting about. Feelings of anxiety and being out of breath. Defence mechanisms, Ego, fear, sadness, unbelieve. Mainly my ego got a well deserved uppercut again. Told J before boxing would be perfect as her sport (she’s a ‘natural’). Total short-cut, lightning and thunder that’s how it felt. J had no mercy she stepped it up a bit more and after I don’t now how long the rant kind of mellowed out and we said goodby.

Sleep over it
Conclusion as always. Get in fucking gear moron. Stop. Stand. Walk. Went to bed like a zombie and got up the same way. Was able to do what the I had to do today but was shaky all day. Lack of sleep as well I suppose. OK. Think it’s said. Next thing would be to address the spitefulness but I’m really to tired to do that right now.