Addiction in general. Am I admissible to addiction? Yes, very. If I look back on things I kind of programmed myself into a very compulsive personality. I think my addictions are the points I see the most clear. Weed, (porn/system) Sex, smoking, coffee. Very persistent points. When I look at my behaviour, It’s the same thing. I like to have routines to do stuff. Often these routines become compulsive in that I loose patience or get emotional when I’m not able to do stuff ‘my way’ or in other words ‘my routine’.
Programming
Honesty? No. In my childhood I did a lot of ‘illegal stuff’. Things I couldn’t take home to my parents. Things I could not talk about. So I had to make up story’s. All lies and eventually this became part of my behaviour. I desperately wanted to feel accepted so I made everything bigger, better and more impressive than it actually was. I did the same thing in ‘relationships’. I thought women wanted a specific kind of man so I tried to be that man. Than off coarse I had to lie because I’m not ‘that man’. ‘A man’ doesn’t even exist. But although I was of sick of myself a lot of times, when I was honest and told the truth there would mostly be an argument or a lot of friction and emotion. So I stuck to my strategy of ‘selective communication’. I.o.w. total dishonesty.
Being self-honest
Things have changed though. It’s quite a relief to notice that It’s actually doable. But that has a lot to do with the way J is confronting me and me being able to open up to her and really ‘get it’. But it’s still there. Call it ‘I’, the mind, systems, whatever. J is on the move at high speed and sometimes this makes me kind of jealous. Another point to face. I know I have to face all these points one by one. Why is it so fucking hard to motivate myself? Painful observation. Self pitty?
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