Getting rich quick...

I’m getting to much money
Yesterday I was confronted with the fact that a customer paid me to much money over the course of 2010-2011. It was a large amount of money. Because this took place over a two year period I somehow didn’t notice. I had an immediate emotional response to it. It was like an electric discharge in my stomach. It was fear. I took a deep breath and applied self forgiveness immediately. However while I was investigating the payments made over the last two years and seeing the consequences on my financial situation, I became very unstable. I had a lot of trouble remaining here and to keep breathing. Panic related to money. Fear of money. The moneypoint. Reality as it is. This brings me to my daughter. My ex is going to move and my role as a father is going to be reduced and removed to the background almost completely. There is not much I can do and I see it’s pointless to object towards this point. ‘life” goes on’. I’m the father of a child so this situation is self created. Nevertheless I had a very strong emotional response to this event and a lot of points opened up.

No kidding
I like to be around children more than crown ups. It’s been like that for all my life. But in all the relationships I had I always avoided the point of having children. Looking back in self honesty it had to do with ‘responsibility’. It had to do with ‘money’. I managed to get around in ‘life’ when it came to money but I never felt ‘confident’ in this point. As I have stated before when I introduced myself on the Desteni forum. What’s my biggest fear? It’s money. So when the point of having children was discussed in relationships I always associated it with ‘financial responsibility’. That’s not unrealistic because having a child means taking responsibility. It’s a commitment for ‘life’. I brought this point up several times in relationships and as result the relationships always ended soon after. My ex partners never considered money a valid argument for not having children which is proof to me that having children is a preprogrammed thing. My arguments where often dismissed completely which blew my mind. Knowing I would get these results when I brought them up, I started to avoid this subject every time it came up. I was never self honest when it came to this point so there was a huge amount of backchat towards my partners. Hence the baby that came... What does this imply within the system? I refused to have children because I was to afraid to take responsibility for the moneypoint. I don’t ‘trust’ myself within this point. And so a whole pattern opens up. I don’t want to be the provider of money. I’m refusing to take on the role of the ‘man’ of the house. The god of life and death. The giver and taker. The reason for this has nothing to do with being noble or ethical. It’s simply fear.

Backtracking
Ok, the pattern as I see it at the moment starts with my family. My basic program and in this case my ‘father figure’. My father was always there as ‘the provider’. He provided the money, entertainment for me my brother and my ‘friends’. He also had ‘issues’ for a period of time. In that period I was about six years old. So there must have been a lot of suppression and friction between him and my mother. His struggle became my struggle. ‘The sins of the fathers’. Another point is that our family DNA, the bloodline is ‘disrupted’. One part of my family was ‘poor’. The disrupted part comes from a very rich industrial patriarch. Must be on my DNA as well. This also makes sense from a parental perspective. My father raised me with a mix of 60’s, sharing, peace, love, Marxist, social reform, utopian concepts. Coming from a suppressed catholic postwar 50’s environment this must have been hugely conflicting for him. To the outside it was always love and peace. So what was on the inside? I’m starting to see that more clearly after his recent heart attack. If confronted with his own suppression he immediately responds in defence and aggressively?

Now looking at myself and how it relates back to my definition of our family construct. I rebelled against my father’s views immensely. I remember an evening where I hysterically said to my parents “you are nothing more then my biological procreators”. They where off course shocked to the bone and I created another pattern of guild to deal with. Looking at it from the present perspective I saw it exactly as it is. Matrix wise there is nothing wrong with the way I was parented though. My parents never physically abused me and I was raised according to the time frame. The way I grew up matched the 60’s-70’s matrix like a glove. Express yourself, peace, love and freedom. I belong to generation X. The children without a clue. Fuck you very much lol.

Getting slapped
As an adolescent I was convinced that my parents didn’t understand a rats ass about the workings of the world. Especially when it came to money. How could they ignore the thing that in my eyes ruled everything in this world. I saw that without money there was no room to move in this world. So I thought that having money would mean freedom. I made a naive decision to get rich. I remember making a contract with my best friend that was signed in blood by the both of us. It stated that if we weren’t rich at the age of twenty five or so, we would rob a bank or do anything to get rich so we would never have to work again. I have seen it all as a child. How did I cope with this? How can a child cope with this shit? It can’t. I remember seeing the movie ‘the wall’ by Pink Floyd. I was around seventeen. It changed everything. It opened my eyes to the workings of this world and the influence family has. It was a shocking experience because I met reality for the first time as a physical experience of myself and how I had defined myself in this world. I couldn’t deal with it. It was the truth and I faced it. So round about that time the white light must have intervened lol.

Going in
I started looking for answers, solutions. It can’t be that ‘dark can it?’. So the ‘light versus dark’ polarity introduced itself. I started reading Hesse. Studied Prabupada’s version of the Gita, vedic scriptures and occult history. I started to believe in God and Karma. I embraced the world as it was and I tried to accept it as it was. So I got a job and I worked. Started a company with my best friend and we went bankrupt. I worked and worked. But something was not ‘right’. It just didn’t ad up. I kept seeing these glitches in the matrix but they where subliminal. I had relationships and they broke up. And in those times of depression I always studied the mystery and wisdom ‘religions’. I did Yoga, studied Chakra psychology with Shyam Bhatnagar, did purifications. I studied the teachings of Yogananda, Kriya Yoga, Babaji, Edgar Cayce, Quantum mechanics, Bohr, Sheldrake, Hawking and last but not least the Theosophical teachings of Helena Blavatsky’s ‘Secret Doctrine’. That one was an eye opener because it stated that in order to understand you should read it as a dream. So I did and I did it several times. And then I got into a relationship with a ‘free’ evangelical Christian’? We had sex and because we didn’t use birth control she became pregnant.

“To the unmarried and to the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do”. 
(1 Corinthians 7:8)

So me and how I defined myself in this world got exactly to the preprogrammed point before I found out how the shit actually worked in this world. Fucked myself in polarity with money, accepted and allowed myself to bring a baby into the system. Scared shitless for the responsibilty as a father, a man, head of the house and provider of money. It was done, I was done. This was around 2003. Just had a burn out, I was going to lose my job, had to sell my houseboat, find a new house that was big enough for 3 persons. I was in a relationship without a future. At that point in ‘life’ (hell) I completely gave up on myself and I went into complete denial, suppression, depression whatever. I was a goner.

If I would have been self honest at that time I would have seen that these two believe systems could never sustain a relationship. It would never work because the starting point was not equal, not compatible and thus impossible. The child was born and our relationship ended. And what did I do after relationships fell? White light religious bullshit! O yeah. In deep depression full of self pity I start reading the Secret Doctrine again looking for fucking answers. I was desperate for answers and determined to find them. So for a period of about 3 months I was reading and studying every day till my brain was fried. The Doctrine has a strong connection with Kriya Yoga so I finally gave in and found the Hamsa’s that followed Kriya Yoga master Gurunath. Love and peace again. Seeking guidance outside myself.

Conclusion
The full denial of self responsibility and what I have manifested in this world. My world, our world. I was seriously considering leaving everything behind. Fuck everything and everyone in the name of our dear lord = money. I completely gave up on myself and became completely robotic.

This was the ‘deep’ point I had to reach to find out what it means to be a ‘human’ being. To ‘be’ in this world. What this world implies and especially what the consequences are for our children and the children not yet born. I honestly don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t found Desteni.

Nobody goes to hell we-are-all ready in hell. And who creates this hell? Who is god? Who is the creator? Who is the creature(s) that create? We are. I am So in order to bring change we change. I change. I stop. I breath. I forgive myself for I am the only one who can. I birth myself from the physical as life, one and equal with life. Heaven on earth. Whatever it takes I will myself to get it done. Fuck all prayers.

My business will resolve itself...

Het loopt wel los

Today I was on the phone having a conversation. Somewhere down the line I said “this thing will resolve itself” (het loopt wel los). In holland this phrase is used often when something or a subject doesn’t get addressed and or is avoided. It’s mostly spoken in a soothing manner as if the problem isn’t there.

The English translation is not as specific as the phrase we use in Holland. It literally means:

‘It will run loose’. This implicates that there is going to be a  problem. Let’s just wait and see what happens. So actually it’s like the fireman that says “let it burn”. So I’m looking at this phrase and the way I used it.

So what I actually said was: “fuck it”. It implies that I don’t want to deal with it, don’t’ want to think about it. It’s not my problem and not my responsibility. You versus me. It’s an ego thing.

Twents

Now where I live (Twente) we speak a dialect that is more related to the german and english language than dutch and when translated to my dialect this sentence get’s a different meaning.

In dutch ‘los’ means loose. So the thing is running loose and or will come apart. Now in the dialect people speak in my region they say - ‘t löp wa los -. The meaning of the word ‘los’ in this dialect means ‘open’

So there is a subtle difference and it becomes:

“let it run loose” (dutch)

“it will open up” (dialect)

Dutch is a language that was spoken in the west of Holland. Amsterdam, trade, colonialism. It’s where the ships sailed, the trading was done and the slave trade kept the books. 

It’s where the VOC reigned. The first ever company based on shares and shareholders. It was the birthplace of the stockmarket and virtual value. New York used to be new Amsterdam. 

The east of Holland on the contrary was wildland run by farmers that depended on nature and each other for survival. The social structure and means for survival where completely different. For soccer fans this is clearly seen by the way soccer clubs like Ajax and Twente are doing business today. There are subtle differences.

Farming and fighting

A businessman takes risks. He will make a strategic plan based on profit margins and the risk involved. Usually when risks are high, the profit margins are too. This goes for farmers as well as businessmen. However if you are dependent on nature as your prime source of income. It will be nature that dictates almost everything you do. So looking at it from that perspective it makes kind of sense. 

When you prepared the fields and the seeds are in the ground, you nurture and wait till it opens up. Nature supports you and you support nature. If the climate comes your way you might have an extra good harvest and maybe some extra grain to sell. That little extra was = luxury. It enabled the farmer to buy things he didn’t grow on his own land or to buy tools. 

A business man knows that running a (marketing) campaign is like executing a battle plan. The moment you set it off it’s on it’s own. Everything and everybody must stick to the plan otherwise the targets are not met and profit goes down or becomes loss. Shareholders don’t like that. It’s war remember.

Building empires

Don’t be fooled by advertising. Advertising is making friends, it binds the group. It licks your feet and makes you smile. It’s the liar lying in your face with an irresistible smile and blinding white teeth. Marketing is war. It’s what makes everything move and everything is either in or out. 

So make no mistake. If you work in the corporate world and someone tells you that the company is ‘green’, donates to a kitty home, gives 10% away to charity etc. You are being advertised! You are an expandable soldier kept in place by the rules of engagement. You are either a foot soldier an officer or you occupy the war room. It’s as simple as that. I’m not judging. I’m just making an observation here and it might give some perspective on the word ‘workforce’.

Equation

Everything done by the military is done exactly the same in business. Politics simply rule both. Who profits from war and who suffers? It’s always the same. If you grasp that it’s the subtle difference between making a profit at the cost of others or become one and equal with life itself in order to live. Than you understand ‘equal money’. So please let’s investigate together before this blog needs banners to survive.

What school didn’t teach me...

No questions asked
Growing up as a kid we all come to a point where for the first time we start to ask why?
Why is the sky blue daddy?
Where do children come from mommy?
Why are there girls?
Why are there boys?
How much does the sky weigh?
What is a god?
Why do people pray?
Why must we go to church?
Why can’t I play outside?
Why can’t people leave other people alone?
What is time?
Why is the moon sometimes out in the day?
Why did god let my dog die?
Why does my best friend have two mums?

Most children ask parents questions they stopped asking themselves a long time ago or they simply don’t give a fuck. Maybe an answer came from there parents and they never questioned that answer in the first place. Maybe because they where shit scared of their parents. And so the big journey of questions begins (if we belong to the chosen few that get educated in this world). We go to school with the promise of education and will be given ‘all’ the answers, the answers of us all. I got my answers to this world but not all of them.
Why mommy?

Meet ‘the teacher’
We look up to him or her for she rules the class and all the classes before us. We look around into the eyes of all the other children and all we see is the same confusion. Thoughts racing so hard we all forget what was there when we saw a bumblebee for the first time expressing his daily routine with the flowers. We meet bullies, stress, goals, competence, group pressure, targets and results. Sounds familiar doesn’t it? We meet fear because for the first time we become aware that we have to be part of a result driven group, a mechanism, a system. Free will doesn’t exist. One is either in or out. There is no choice!

From this moment on the suppression begins, and instead of expanding you start to implode. The infusion has begun and there is nothing you can do. You are now officially thrown into the deep pool of information including your bag full of questions that where never answered. Now as you grow older and you become of knowledge a strange thing happens.

You begin to start asking existential questions again or somebody you know will ask you. And at this point we are all fucked. All the answers we get mysteriously relate back to the past, to each other, TV, knowledge and information. And please don’t ask questions about the future we all know what happens.

Yes it’s genius because it’s the mirror of education we all have in front of our eyes. It colours everything you see, do, feel, say or have an opinion about. Education has nothing to do with you and who you are here in the present.The thoughts going through your mind right now? You think it’s all you? Remember all that shit came from the outside not from within.

“You think that’s air you are  breathing” says Morpheus to Neo.

The question
So we hide behind beliefs build an ego to protect and defend the precious information and secrets we call ourselves in this world. We keep gathering information because that’s where we think the power comes from. Well indeed it does. We charge and consume because that’s exactly what the system requires to exist. So, is that what I am, a little dynamo spinning a long? Is that what became of that little boy that had no fear, no grudge, no hate or self pity. Yes that’s what happened.

I became my knowledge and information and if I don’t stop it I will simply keep infusing myself. I will pass the past on to my child like my parents did before me, for what? There is nobody to blame but myself. What was done to my parents was done unto me. So please stop living in the past, stop this fuckup and start educating our children. If your child starts asking questions that you can’t answer. Or maybe ‘you think’ you have the right answers. Look again. There is more to the questions than you ‘think’. It’s your child trying to find out what the hell he or she is doing here... Hell yeah. If heaven was above and hell bellow than we are all living there isn't it. The hell bellow means down to earth. Right here right now. Welcome to hell.

See what would happen if we would listen to what children are expressing! I know, that’s not how the world works. Ask yourself, if we would have to establish heaven on earth do we go with the children or do we continue down this road of grown ups?

The ‘Being’ and the baby...

Trigger

Yesterday it became official that my ex girlfriend and my daughter are going to move to a different city in Germany. The past six and a half years my daughter grew up to be a well-spoken little girl that I saw nearly every week. The physical distance between us was a little half hour by car. This will now increase too about 2 hours (if there are no traffic jams in the ‘ruhr area’ in germany). It doesn’t take a scientist to see the implications this will have on my relationship with my daughter. Everything is going to change from seeing each other on a regular basis to the holidays and long weekends. That’s off coarse on paper because depending on how my work (financial) situation will develop there is no telling if I can make myself available during all the school holidays they have in Germany. So to keep it short, a big point fell through in my life. I can finally start dealing with that point as what I manifested in this reality as fatherhood. The developing situation confronts me with the question of fatherhood in the broader perspective of not being physically on call. I’m removed to the background of the parental/family structure and through that experience points are opening up. These points where hidden so I will try to expand on that.

Consequences

My ex and I never planned for children so that rabbit hole became rather deep for us to navigate. The pregnancy came about due to the simple fact that neither one of us took the responsibilty for ‘birth control’. So we both accepted and allowed ourself to create the reality we face at the moment. It’s the ‘painful’ truth about what I allowed to manifested in this reality. I’m now becoming a symbol I used to despite. My backchat comes up with things like: A father in the distance. A father in the background, never there when I needed you, he lives in Holland and I seldom see him. It’s one of my worst nightmares and it’s manifesting in reality as we speak. Never ever would I see myself here the way it turned out. I look at my thoughts and emotions and the whole spectrum is opening up. Guild, defeat, loss, responsibilty, self judgement. The list is endless. But the situation is irreversible and was always in the back of my mind. A side effect thereof was that I somehow never dared to completely attach myself emotionally to my daughter out of fear of becoming completely lamed the moment this situation would present itself.

I will have to expand on this in a dedicated post because our actions dictate this reality. I'm facing my actions. The consequences are here and they are as real as it gets.

No ego no friction

Looking at the way my daughter and I interact I wonder what the outcome would be if she would experience me having an ‘emotional’ breakdown right now. If I wouldn’t be in ‘process’, facing myself from a different perspective my reaction to this situation would definitively be more emotional. Would that serve my daughter? I don’t think so. So from a starting point of ‘what’s best for all’ the decision to move is fully acceptable. My ex needs a steady job with a ‘future’. Her family will be close by so she will have a platform of support. These factors are not here at the moment so from that perspective I think things are simply moving where they have to move within the system. Financial stability and building a career. Stability it’s as simple as that. Who am I to disrupt this flow of events. It would be an utterly egocentric manifestation to go into this ‘separated father’ construct and create an emotional mess for myself. This is a typical make or brake situation where one either looses it or walks the path of change. It’s very well possible that this experience will open up more points. I will face them and share them in this blog. For now I have to breath, forgive myself and walk a lot of corrections. Which brings me to the next point.

Applying myself

This means taking everybody in this process in to consideration and walk in the best interest of all. Sounds simple but I find it rather difficult. I don’t find it simple although the equation might be. Taking everything in consideration means being aware of what to take in to consideration. ‘All’ is quite extensive to take into consideration. A vast perspective. A thick jungle of thoughts I get lost inn. This is where I ran into a brick wall yesterday and it triggered a lot of back chat. There was this voice that said “you’re fired”... At that moment looking at that point all emotional hell broke loose. I experienced all those moments in my life where I was in front of another person telling me I could start cleaning up my desk. Saying good by to friends and colleagues. Going trough the phase of loss, humiliation, self-defeat, shame, anger, spitefulness, ignorance, depression, money etc. For anyone who’s ever worked in one place for a prolonged period of time and was sagged, you now the drill.

Was es ist...

In the end it’s all ego of the mind. Self definitions. What I accepted and allowed in my life is what is manifested as me. This is just another outflow of that equation. Why did this point come up. What is there to take from what I see here? What’s the pattern? It’s me accepting and allowing myself to create consequence, have opinions and rebel against the system. But the moment that system gives me resistance I don’t push myself trough. It’s me going into denial and self pity instead of standing up, face the consequences and walk a correction. I start to see why I have great difficulties when it comes to getting in gear. Because I don’t. It’s the superego telling me I’m not to blame. It’s a construct of superiority towards people and situations. I’m special. Somehow the rules of the group don’t apply to me. Strangely enough I experience these moments as fear and inferiority. ‘What’s the use’. ‘It won’t work anyway’. I allow myself to become sad and depressed because ‘I just got fired’. It’s the ego given justification to open up my emotional box of pandora and the whole program can start from scratch.

See what condition my condition is in

If I wouldn’t have been in the Desteni ‘I’ Process being where I am and looking at it from the perspective of oneness and equality, well what can I say. It would have been another energetic experience fuelling the intense bitterness that has been accumulating inside me over time. The projection of that bitterness towards this reality and especially myself has been the cause of countless fuckups that prevented me from simply being ‘successful’. It’s all the things I didn’t want to face in my life? The words I didn’t want to hear or speak. The projects that where cancelled. The jobs I lost. The challenges I didn’t take. The ‘relationships’ that fell. All because I became instable because of this bitterness. So it’s up to me to look at what I try to avoid in this world? What is it that I don’t want to acknowledge within me, my self definitions? How come I never appreciated myself as the things I expressed or achieved as a child the way my daughter is doing right now? So in walking this process all that walk have to be taken in to consideration. It means pushing myself in every second every breath. Can I do it? Hell, I don’t know but I’m trying like never before.

Let's start a business

Why I started my first business
Back in 1993 I was the 3th of my 6 years in Art School. I was a student leading a student life. Meaning that I had a rather optimistic and careless view on my future and did a lot of partying. I did jobs on the side for a signage company on a regular bases. I didn’t have a lot of money to spent but I would say that I was able to lead a rather careless life. If I really ran into financial problems my parents would help with the little assets they had and I could always drop by for dinner. So I had my own place, education, food, friends and off coarse my bike. I drove my bike everyday. I never made  long term plans for the future. I always thought that the future would turn out fine if I just kept going. What I was doing was far from what so called ‘normal’ people where doing. I was painting abstract paintings, building objects, studied graphic design and typography and I was reading a lot. Most of my reading had nothing to do with Art or Graphic Design. It was on Philosophy, psychology, religion, and science. One subject that was always on my mind was ‘the truth’. As long as I can remember this question bugged the hell out of me. And off coarse I felt rather special.

I think I knew
I was 21 years old and somehow I knew that it was impossible to answer this ‘truth’ question definitively. If the answer had to come from ‘a brain’ we would all be fucked. No matter how intelligent the being might be the answer could not be trusted. From all I read the only conclusion I could draw was that it was all energy, vibration, frequency. Plus-minus, ying-yang, light-dark, rich-poor, warm-cold etc. Looking around the only thing I saw was extreme polarity. I found Quantum mechanics one of the most intriguing subjects at the time. I read a lot of that stuff and was fascinated. It made ‘sense’ because it didn’t make sense and that was as close to reality as it got for me. Strangely enough it also touched a lot of subjects that where very well and scientifically described in the Vedic scriptures I was reading. These where however more than 5000 years old and that raised another book of questions. Are we 5000 years behind? And if so, what the fuck happened during that time? These questions kept me pretty occupied with myself most of the time.

More Money?
Now if money wouldn’t have been a problem this ‘truth’ thing would probably have become my life’s work as an artist. Most of the things I made in school all related back to my central question ‘truth’. At that time I really thought I would become an artist. Living the ‘free’ life. No office cubicles, no nine to five. I felt superior to everything middle-class or had authority. I would become more or less famous and my art would tell the story. Money wouldn’t be a problem. However as time went by ‘reality’ started to burst my bubble. I was paying the rent and it went up every year. I was paying taxes and they went up every year. I did my groceries and they became more expensive every year. In the mean time it seemed like everybody got richer around me and everything got more expensive. It was very upsetting and I realized that I probably missed out an important part of this reality and that was economics.

Taking the short cut
I didn’t have any money and didn’t have a clue about how it worked. So one day this job offer comes in. It meant working with a Mac computer from 08:00 in the morning till 17:30 in the afternoon, inside an office, 5 days a week. The strange thing was that all my ambition and principles kind of went out the window the moment I heard what they where willing to pay me. It was ridiculous. It was more than three times the amount of money I got in at that time. Even my teachers in art school weren’t making that kind of money. So they told me to just go for it. And from one moment to the next I was a 23 year old middle class person in an office cubicle. I became ‘them’. I got my drivers licence. Refurbished my apartment. Paid of my debts. Went on holidays etc. Yes, I got used to money.  It changed my view on life dramatically. After one year I started to become really depressed. I saw people having affairs on the work floor. Dipping responsibilities, going home early. More or less everybody around me was fucking the company so in fact we all fucked each other. It was disturbing and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it except leave. Which I didn’t do because of the money. I felt guilty and at the same time I justified my guild with having no choice. Then the whole plan changed as they planned to move my department from the east of holland to amsterdam in the west. There wasn’t one hair on my head thinking of moving to amsterdam. So I waited till they asked me what I wanted to do. I said that I would not join them and politely refused. The moment they asked me what my plans where I heard myself say I was going to start my own company. Strangely enough a good friend of mine cancelled his plans for a trip around the world and of we where to start our own design/advertising agency.

My banking experience
Now if you don’t have any money to start a business, what do you do? You work and save till you have enough to do so. You use your scarce time to find clients and you build a network right? No. We just made a plan. My friend who is a good writer made a hell of a story out of it. I made a nice book for the story to fit inn. That book was taken to a bank where a nice man with a nice suit looked into it. This man called us back and said that lending us about 150.000 Dutch guilders wouldn’t be a problem. So without any business experience and 150.000 in the bank these two young adults go into business? We didn’t have a clue but we got work inn and we did some rather nice projects. The other story is that after 3 years we where totally busted, our friendship was down the drain and we owed the bank a lot of money. It would have been better to get the money from the Russian around the corner. The Russian was a much better motivator to young adults.

My inner experience
After all this time I know that the one thing that fucked me up the most in doing business was a complete lack of self-honesty. The blind eye is a trap that traps a lot of self employed people. Identify yourself enough with what you do and think and it takes you over completely. I became a jabbering kind of advertising robot spewing out the lingo. After this ordeal I promised myself to never loan from banks ever again. Debt is the shackle that has chained reality. You and I are fucked within the system. Camouflaged with paper and computers and decentralized responsibility. You can’t touch them but they can touch you for sure. Who’s getting the best out of this deal? We are all participating in the biggest pyramid scheme ever and it’s called -economics- Yeah I know, you never see the truth when it’s standing right in front of you. Well this is where that truth finding mission ended for me. This game is the end game and it nears it’s saturation point. This is my wake up call to an equal money system. And now I must make some money, got to eat tomorrow.

So far so...

Writing about experiences
It has been about a year since I found myself reading the first lines on the Desteni website. After about six months I started writing about myself in what was at that moment a ‘closed’ blog. It was a test to see what would happen if I started writing about my daily life from the perspective of an observer. Exposing my secret mind. Listening to those silent voices that never seem to shut up and are always there to influence everything I do. An observer that would remain neutral and without judgement.

The 'power' of thought
I was in for a lot of surprises. First of all was the shock of thoughts. Typing words is one thing but writing about my own experience and actually not knowing what they represent created sort of a vortex that made writing increasingly difficult. The thing is that I had to describe how I felt as myself going trough the process of stopping my mind. The same mind that produces the words that I’m typing. The more I wrote the more questions about myself arose. I was confronted with shocks, fears and huge depressions. I mean let’s be self honest here. Finally seeing the fact that this world is not created equal because I’m the one creating it is something different. Speak to your family or your friends and they all agree. Yes, it’s a fuck up. The world is not fair. But we all forget to remember who we are in this equation and ‘fair’ simply doesn’t exist. It’s a concept a word. It’s not lived so it’s never real. If we remain of thoughts if that’s who we are than we are thinking it up. It’s a dream, it’s in our heads. Reality should be ‘out there’ so I have to be ‘out there’.

Taking it in
We are the ‘it’, god, ‘we’ are the creators of this world. This means including me! Now who want’s to admit anything of this size to him or herself let alone take responsibility for it? No one does including me. The world seems too big to fit in my head and every time I tried to push myself through the huge resistance I just went into denial. This morality thing totally fucked me up. OK, admitting it is one thing but convincing my own ego to take a step back and shut the fuck up is something else. Nearly everything that happens to me in daily life is accompanied by justification, judgement, guild and especially morality.

Becoming aware
The moment I realized that it was me and only me who is responsible for what happens in my life and therefore in the world was the worst experience in my life. I created an ego that defined me in this world. Everything I did and all the consequences that followed. It was all me. Every time I pondered about my mind I had to keep re-minding myself that the thing that was pondering was the same mind I had to stop. I had sleepless night’s where I would be in bed just staring at the sealing watching this ongoing stream of thoughts, images and emotions that came with them. The only word I had for it was ‘lunacy’.

The Desteni ‘I’ Process
Over the last year I became aware of a lot of things but the most important one was that ‘this process’ cannot be walked alone. It only works when it is shared. You need a platform and people that operate from the same starting point. This starting point is principle based. One and equal. No room for argument or abuse that is ego based. Now this principle was quite clear to me. It was also a wake up call for my ego that had to spring into action like never before trying to convince me I was about to commit social suicide. This was when I decided too share my writings by going public with this blog. Next thing was my Facebook page. The moment I started posting Desteni stuff I noticed that responses dropped significantly. Somehow my facebookfriends didn’t seem interested or didn’t want to be associated with the messages that where posted. In order to get myself going I decided to start the Desteni Inroduction Course now called the Desteni ‘I’ Process. I was very reluctant because of my difficulties with the English and Desteni language. I had and still have difficulties getting trough the words. I had a lot of trouble getting trough the assignments up till now. Partly because I didn’t asked for support. I felt almost guilty to do so. When I finally did it was OK though.


Changes
I was shocked several times by the forces that where present inside my body. Forces I never imagined. After a year in this process things are slowly but surely starting to change. There was and still is a lot of resistance. The mind doesn’t want to give up. It’s programmed not to do so. The moment I started to stop and look at my thoughts my mind went bananas. Stopping and breathing had an immediate and very unpleasant effect on my body. It often feels like my body is being torn into pieces. I addressed this with homeopathy and Kinesiology and I’m starting to feel the effects. I’m more stable and there is less anxiety. This also has to do with the fact that I have a little time on my hands at the moment. But that will change soon because of the fact that one cannot live without money. Money means time and that is something I would like too have more of. It takes a lot of time. Yes, the only thing I can do is to stop and just breath. I’m absolutely in awe about my experiences with breathing. I’m starting to see the simplicity of the process. Just grind it. Stick to the principle. Stop-hold tight, hold still-breath as long as it takes. It fucking works. OK it’s not without a ‘bit’ of physical discomfort but what’s there to loose? Interesting question. If you are reading this and If you have ever asked yourself what the purpose of you being here is... Well the only humble word of advice I would give you is to start writing like I did. Because you are not what you ‘think’ you are.

Little earthquakes

Focus on the primaries 
Last week my Aging Powerbook G4 finally said goodbye as I was watching a DVD with my daughter. No drama, it was like a short last breath and after 6 faithful years the little white light dimmed not to shine again. Rather good for a laptop I must say. This confronted me with a bit of a problem because I’m behind on my assignments, watching videos, reading blogs. I also got an invitation to join the PF which confronted me with the fact that I'm not as 'digital' as I thought I was. I get kind a lost in all the protocols and information. I'm managing much 'better' than before though and I think it has a lot to do with stopping weed completely.

The road ahead
Looking at the things I needed to do it kind of overwhelmed me. The cost-raise for the DIP coarse confronted me with some anxiety as well. This point pushes me to either get a ‘good’ steady job or sponsorship. After sleeping over this thing for about two nights I decided to get a new laptop. It wil shorten the time I have to get things done from 4 to 3 months and I need a laptop anyway. Regarding the Desteni material, it will allow me to watch and read a lot of stuff in bed so I don’t have to be on this chair the whole day (and sometimes night).

Practise, practise...
Time management is not second nature to me so in this point I’m now becoming aware that it’s not a question of speeding up and become scattered all over the place but to slow down, share myself and be here in every single breath. There is simply so much I can do. So for the moment The list is as follows:

- Getting my assignments in on time
- Getting steady and consistent with my daily writing
- Getting steady and consistent with blogging
- Getting steady and consistent with Self-forgiveness
- Getting familiar with vlogging
- Posting everything in the required places
- Getting familiar with the online spaces I have to be in
- Getting familiar with new software and a new way of working
- Identifying and Removing all the time-consuming ‘bullshit’ from daily live
- Catch up on the latest videos I missed from Bernard
- Do more blog readings
- Do the daily shit and get the fucking ‘moneypoint’ in place.

Substantial results come with substantial action
The Desteni train is moving and I am moving to, which is awesome. But one way ore another I have to slow down and be patient without falling of the train. Its called a process and as J said: “only the mind knows of quick fixes” and I will NOT allow this to fuck with me because in this reality to establish change will take TIME. So I’m getting organized, I will breath and I will walk until it stands.

Words, nothing but words...

keep it going no matter what.  
Breath in breath out... OK. I was of the grid for quite some time. Stared at this screen for a number of times with an empty page in front of me. Write, just write it down. How do you feel today? What’s happening? How is the process going? Just tell ‘m. Share yourself, it’s all you have to do... Nothing happened accept for this whispering voice in the back of my head that was so soft I totally overheard it. “If you are speechless than don’t speech... There is time, it’s not a bad thing to slow down. Give yourself a break” etc. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to my backchat. The art of screwing not only myself but everyone who’s behind a screen wrestling with the same shit as I am. It’s called resistance. I thought the mirror I was looking into revealed nothing. Well... I wasn’t looking at the total ‘picture’ so I missed a few key details.

I don't exist, I bring into existence

I knew this ‘thing’ was not going to be easy. I knew It would take commitment and I know myself well enough to state that what I have presented to the outside world up till now has in fact nothing to do with myself. It is ‘memory based’. My memory, not ‘me’. So what’s that to you? Yes you, there, reading this. You could be someone I know personally. Maybe you think you know me ‘personally’. Well... You don’t. And if you think you do ask yourself the following questions. What did you think of me before I started writing this blog and has that opinion changed? I’m writing and I’m looking at what I can remember as me. I’m looking from a new perspective. If yours is still the same we obviously have a different view don’t we. Let’s not make this to complicated and say “we both don’t know who I am”.


Where does 'all' begin?

Why in the name do I write about my fears, insecurities, emotions, feelings. Am I mad? Yes I am. For the first time in my life I’m mad enough to stop. I stopped and saw what the fuck I helped to create and it was ‘this world’. I participated in every nasty thought and deed that was out there. I condemned, judged got depressed and highly emotional. I talked, cracked my skull, got older and nothing changed it only got worse. The world got rich and the world got worse. Now what to do when you are 42 and you see that the whole fuckup is about the way money is controlled in this world. You talk to your friends about the fact that you are most disturbed by this insight and that you want to do something. What happens? Nothing happens because ‘we are the world’ (if you are over 35 you know the song). It’s all of us including me, that’s why it’s so hard to chew. So here I am again. Writing, voicing myself because it’s the only thing I can do. We are all in this so everything will remain as all - ‘all the same’ - That’s not change is it? I kind of see that even though I’m a full retard. Here I am voicing myself and starting to forgive myself for my part of ‘the deal’ because nobody can do it for me.

Thanks for reading and please join the discussion on equal money.

My realms of self-delusion

Being successful
The moment you decide to do business you are going to fuck people and you are going to be fucked by people. It’s the unwritten law of trade and every businessman knows this. Jump in, get the money, get out without to much collateral damage. Which is of coarse impossible because you are screwing yourself to such an extend that you start to justify the shit you are doing. It simply becomes part of your personality where it hides itself as part of you. If you would actually see this you would probably kill yourself or end up doing charity work for the homeless to try and get rid of your guild. I have seen so many frustrated people around me in my field of work and it’s only the last few years that it start’s to become more or less clear what the fuck is happening. We are getting scared because we are starting to see where it’s going and it scares the crap out of us.

Intelligent Marketeers
We all knew and we all saw it coming because we where on the fucking battlefield all the time. We have been collectively drinking our drinks on Friday afternoons because we new we couldn’t keep a straight face towards each other in a normal conversation. We all felt guilty about what we where doing and at the same time we kept on going because of the lifestyle we created and had to support. It’s time, it’s done. It cannot be compounded any further. Marketing, sales, consumerism. We know because we are just that. The cycles, the concepts, the lingo.

Can I have a ‘happy life’ please
Look at the things we had to sell, the claims we made and the shows we put on. It’s done. The switch is flipped and the dark hole is forming as we speak. We all know this. It surrounds us we are in the middle of it and we feel the pull getting stronger. Everybody in marketing is either shit scared, drugged, distracted or cashing in on the chaos that surrounds all wars. We survived the 80's and 90's are in our forties and on the brink of being able to buy the toys and dreams for a presumably happy future after selling the company. Cash inn and fuck the world.

"Yes we did"
Oh so you didn’t work your as off? You don’t find yourself responsible for the fucking mess you helped to create. Oh, you didn’t know? Nobody told you? Well that’s a surprise! Nobody told me either. But here it is. I’m one of you! Spit on me, despise me and ignore me. I know you will because you are either shit scared, drugged, distracted or cashing in on the chaos that surrounds all wars. Make your pic. It’s all I’ve seen to be honest. I participated, tried to break out, fell back inn because I was already fucked beyond repair just like all the rest.

How I did it
I decided to quit art school in the third year and take a job offer that was ridiculously good for a 21 year old with no working experience. This was around 1992 and the industry was on the brink of going digital. Because I was one of the lucky bastards that got his hands on and behind a Mac early in school I was part of what was then the ‘elite’. I didn’t know then and I wasn’t really aware of it. It was just that people like me where apparently in high demand. They where scratched out of every corner and the people that did didn’t have a clue what to look for. So with a little bit of bluff and some good manuals you where in the game. It got me into the game so easily. I could work Photoshop 1.6, QuarkXPress and Illustrator 2.0. That was it. No real in depth knowledge about advertising. David Ogilwho?

Loading my program
I made fucking money. Finally able to support myself buy those records and play them on a decent pickup. Go on a holiday in an old car to the south of France. It was ‘heaven’. I was alive and I was fucked. From that moment on there was only one route. The route of money. I started to pay taxes and the worst thing happened. I got older, I got relationships and I got sentimental. So I was in the game, played the game, became the game. I learned to design on a decent level and got good at what I did. Up to the point I met the boarders of my DNA, my basic programming. Why did I stop to progress? Why didn’t I get rich? Why was it that everything seemed to be going in the same cycles? So the blaming game began. I blamed my parents, my education, the part of the country I lived inn. I blamed everything except myself. Up to the point I got into spirituality. I somehow saw that it had to come from myself. So I did that whole cycle as well. Yoga, meditation, guru’s, God, etc. Only to find ever more conflict between me the world and the fucking money that had to be made.

Ain’t it a classic
7 years ago I worked in an advertising agency. One of the last steady jobs I had and it finally happened. I walked out of the office one sunny afternoon and everything went black. I had my first ‘burnout’ or whatever name you want go give that state. I was in a relationship, bought a houseboat 2 years earlier and there in front of the office it all stopped. The whole thing came down. So I find myself on sick leave and after about 3 months I decide to go back to work. Nothing had changed really. I still felt completely lost. The work didn’t mean anything to me and I was a zombie on auto pilot. Zombies have no place in the system. They don’t make money so as expected I was one of the first that had to go when the economy dipped. It was said that my release was because of economic reasons. There was indeed less work in advertising and apparently my boss was able to present the figures to go with that. Personally I think my boss simply didn’t like my presence and attitude. You have to be likable in the system don’t forget that kids.

The ‘being’ is expandable
To make it easier to get rid of me he changed my job description when he applied for governmental approval to break up my contract. It’s easier to get rid of people if you have more of the same people occupying the same space. So in order to get the costs down it’s just a matter of writing a plan screw the laws that don’t work in the first place and get rid of what is considered human cattle. I don’t have any illusions here because there have been moments that I was on the other side of this coin that was flipped. Fuck or be fucked. There is the law and there is the way money is to be made and that’s how it fucking works. Please prove me otherwise.

The Harakiri equation
This was after more than 3 years of brutal labour and long hours in what was then an advertising agency in startup. I had a very modest salary in relation to the hours I made, no pension and no bonuses or anything else for that matter. Actually the only thing that was good about that job where the colleagues I worked with. The rest was stress and long hours. I’m not complaining it was me who took the job so there you go. About 3 years before this happened I moved from Arnhem to Enschede specifically for this job that was offered to me by the same guy that was firing me. To finish it off my girlfriend became pregnant. In other words I made her pregnant and she accepted and allowed herself to become pregnant.

So here we where. I’m unemployed, on financial compensation (welfare), we are going to have a baby, we live on a houseboat that is way to small for the 3 of us and has all my savings in it. That was the moment where I completely crashed. I was able to sell the boat. I got a mortgage on a small house, got the baby, we moved,  but it was all done on adrenaline. We tried to provide a nest for this little girl and gave what was to give but it all ended in a broken relationship and 3 persons that where fucked. My former girlfriend has two work several jobs and is stuck in a live she never wanted for herself with a child she wants to give so much more. I’m in my process trying to get this thing of the ground as an independent consultant. I apply for part-time jobs that actually don’t exist in my line of work and I try to scratch enough money out of the system to pay my bills. The current money system is not working. If you are not born into a rich family or have the system work your way you are simply screwed. The current system robs people of everything that could be called a dignified life. And if you have children it becomes nearly impossible to move in any direction.

Choose life...
My daughter is a healthy intelligent girl that’s almost seven years old now. She’s my daughter and I’m her father. We are still part of the haves in this world. There is food on the table, education and enjoyment. But it’s all under enormous pressure and to be honest there isn’t a day in my life without money on my mind. No illusions about my life but I want my daughter and other children to live in a world where they can be who they really are as themselves instead of shackled slaves to this fucked up system. Last week she saw why she had to go to school. To learn to become a moneymaker because that’s what crown ups do and then she sees us wrestle and argue about it. We make money, consume and don’t have a fucking clue. It’s horrible, it’s a crime, it has to stop. That’s why I’m standing up for an equal money system. That’s why I want to apply myself and forgive myself, because I’m part of the shit that caused this fuck up to happen in the first place.

Stand up for ‘Equal-Money’

Where am ‘I’

21 03 2011

Resistance

To start of this post. I’m kind of nervous right now. In front of me is the assignment nr. 3 of the introduction course. The first “real” assignment and I failed. To no surprise because I didn’t understand what I was doing. Today I want to finally get it done. The moment I placed the papers in front of me I got really nervous. So let’s get into that nervousness.

Failing

Is it connected to failing? Yes it’s connected to failing and wanting to be perfect. Wanting to be good at something. I don’t want to share me being a failure. I’m insecure as well. The moment I got out the papers a huge resistance came up. The same resistance I felt in school when I was a kid. Everybody’s good at math. I suck at math and everybody is going to see me screw things up. I don’t want that. I want to ‘feel’ accepted, be part of the group. Last week J Assisted me and we went through the assignment together. Although I got the best support I could think off, the same resistance was there. I tried to breath trough it, remain in the moment, focus on the words spoken and tried to listen. Huge resistance and eventually I got possessed to the point where my mind would go into complete lock. I had to speak it out. “Stop”. I faced myself in a horrible way. Totally lost control. I couldn’t direct myself into something that shouldn't be a hard thing to do but I couldn’t do it. Judgement, inferiority, backchat. It was a horrible experience and I know I will be facing countless ones to come.

What now?

So where the fuck am I standing now. A lot of things are changing in my life right now. They are closely related to relationships and an agreement. I cannot wright about these things specifically because of privacy reasons but the impact it has on me and my process is huge. The way I programmed myself over the coarse of my life is becoming more visible and it’s really not a pretty picture. The extend of my automation, my self-judgement, judgement towards other people, situations. It’s unbelievable and I have to be really aware of my breathing. The way I shut myself down last week was really horrifying. Being aware of having a mind possession and what it does still gives me the creeps. The fact that I’ve had probably thousands if not millions in my life and not even be aware of them is a shocking realisation and that’s an understatement.

Dizzying

Apparently simple daily events that everybody around me takes for granted are beginning to show themselves for what they are. The world around me seems to change dramatically while in fact it’s me that is observing the change within myself. I see that I’m only scratching the surface of self honesty here. Still, if this is only the tip of the iceberg what the hell do I have in store for myself. Yes I’m intimidated as we speak. I feel the urge to flee. I’m watching myself type these words and at the same time I’m close to panicking. It’s utterly schizophrenic to say the least. I’m so grateful for the support I’m getting but I know all of this has to be walked alone. It’s only me that is capable of changing me by walking this shit step by step, breath by breath. Whole books of subjects that have to be addressed are starting to open up on me. I know it’s only me who is able to direct what I take on as the next thing. I see the point in taking one subject and delayer it perfectly. Better to have clarity on one single subject and understand it from the inside out instead of being scattered in information that doesn’t make sense. Kind of what is happening to me as we speak.

Opening up the route

It makes no sense of having all this information available and not be able to take advantage of it because it’s impossible to take on the mountain as a whole. It all starts by scouting a route up there. From there on it’s climbing perfect baby steps. Falling isn’t an option. It consumes to much time to recover from falling and before I know it’s going to be dark on the mountain and the route will be invisible. So how am I gong to direct myself? What steps are the ones to take first? Where am I going to put my feet down? It’s a first ascent on a route I’ve never climbed before. I know what’s involved in climbing. I know there is going to be pain and fear. I know there will be unexpected event’s. Rock slides, falling debris, weather changes. Are they going to stop me from climbing? I know it has to do with willing myself, pushing it beyond the limit to know where the limit is. 

Supreme court

If there is one thing that’s becoming crystal clear it would be my ‘back chat’. Not judging my own ‘back chat’ is becoming increasingly more difficult. Accepting it as it is. This letting go of feelings related to being special, unique, superior. I see it standing in front of me as self created illusion and at the same time I’m still completely controlled by it in daily life. It’s time to apply myself and that’s the hardest part. Bringing it out in the open, bringing it out in the first place. Getting it out for what it is and not judging myself ‘thinking’ I’m not able to see it. Judging myself as stupid or slow. Judgement, shame, vanity oh yes. Having a rather good week you know. Slowing down be reasonable comfortable with myself and then I forget to keep pushing it. 

Comfortably numb

I’m flagging the point of comfort right know. It’s a fucker because I’m starting to see what comfort stands for. For me It’s sort of a mindlock as long as it isn’t shared with another person who is able to see where I really am in that moment and point it out. I experience comfort. It becomes an emotion, a play out. This false sense of security that isn’t supporting my process at all. Me being comfortable is me disappearing into the void of consciousness and backchat most of the time. I cannot express my gratitude and respect for the persons supporting me at the moment. Without them I couldn’t do it. I’m sure about that but it’s me that has to stand sooner or later. Nobody can change me. That’s completely up to me. Experiencing the effects of true support is very humbling. That’s where I run into my back chat. It’s nasty shit I’m observing. The speed in which I tend to fall back into my preprogramming, automated patterns the moment I give in to the ‘feeling’ of comfort of being ‘supported’. The ease of me accepting old patterns of behaviour without even noticing me doing it. I used to think I had a rather clear image about myself. Well that might be correct because that’s exactly what it is. It’s an image and that’s all there is. Me is I, thinking it all up into existence. I’m a picture based robot with an identity disorder (that’s an observation by the way).

Running the coarse

Ok back to my homework. Have to really push myself into finishing my assignment now. The resistance I’m feeling is out of this world. Why? I mean It’s just an assignment. Get the fucking stuff done. What’s the big deal. I’m starting to see how hard it is to be self honest because self is something that becomes like the definition of abstract for me at the moment. And that’s in everything I’m doing. It’s in almost every moment of my daily life. Who the fuck am I? 

Body language...

17 03 2011

What is happening...
What a week it has been so far, and am I judging this week as different than last week? As in more impressive or having more in store than usual? Yes I do. Let me say this. The weekend was physical and confronting. This has to do with sharing me with another person. That makes a difference. The most important realisation I’m having at the moment is the one of ‘physicality’. It’s somewhat difficult for me to express or explain exactly what I mean. I’m starting to rediscover my physical body again. But it’s not in the way I used to explore or be aware of it.

Observing my daughter in the water
The weekend started physical because I go and swim with my daughter whenever we get the change. Last week she took her toy diving goggle and a snorkel with her for the first time. In the water I took the time teaching her how she had to breath, keep the class from fogging up, her posture in the water etc. I noticed a very interesting thing. Her whole physical expression as a body submerged in water changed the moment she stuck her head in the water and started looking around through her goggle. Normally her expression while swimming is rather hectic. It’s the point I remark on the most when she swims. Slow down, relax, you don’t need all that movement to keep floating. Now when she looked down through those goggles and into the swimming pool, her body completely gave itself over to the water. The two kind of merged and she was floating comfortably on the surface looking into the swimming pool while breathing through her snorkel. She got it within the minute. I was a bit amazed.

The conversation of water with water
So I decided there and then I would buy her a decent Diving goggle and snorkel. So this week we where in the water again and she was hooked from the first minute. We where in the water for nearly two hours straight. My daughter is six years old and I’m 42. I’m always amazed of her physical stamina. I mean I’m probably still thinking that my physical condition is OK but it’s really not to be honest. I would probably kill myself if I tried to keep up with my six year old daughter on a physical level (lol). Anyway the element of water is kind of a rediscovery because the swimming agreement with my daughter forces me to swim on a regular base. I often noticed that I would be totally tired after being in the pool with her. A real physical tiredness. Every muscle in my body would feel drained of it’s power. In the ‘back of my head’ I know it’s not just the physical strain. My body releases stress when I’m in the water and It’s moving muscle groups that are parked in neutral during the rest of the week. Tension that is locked up inside those muscles releases and the body has to disperse the ‘acid-toxins’ that go with that. This is actually hard work so you get tired. Common sense I suppose.


It’s a physical thing
Walking back to the car after being in the pool for two hours immediately confronted me with this fact and it brings the point of ‘self-intimacy’ back. My daughter still has a strong connection with her physical body. And she is dispersing all these things naturally. If I don’t give these points attention my body will start to manifest problems. It is doing that all ready lol. So was I tired? Yes I was. But I’m always ‘that tired’, I’m just not aware of it. It gets stored inside my muscle tissue like carbage inside a landfill an there it rots away until the whole landfill get’s ‘moved’. That’s when ‘the gas’ is released and you smell ‘the smell’. Fascinating. 

Stop and look
The rest of the weekend was physical and fascinating too because I had a buddy visiting me. This meant little sleep, lot’s of talking and again physical work-out because I give her massages. Monday was fascinating because I was completely done. I was really and I mean really tired. No emotions just tired. I went with it. Slowed myself down and slept it out for two days. Luckily appointments got ‘magically’ cancelled and I was able to just be there in this rather strange state of mind. I felt like being in more than one place at the same time. No focus, no drive. Was it laziness? Stop judging Mike. 


'My' body the one and only
I’m fucking freaking tired and my body is telling me what happened over the last 10 years. It’s shocking what I have accepted and allowed to be stored inside my body. It’s a huge point and it makes all the difference in the world. Do I address or do I ignore? Ignoring the fact that all the shit get’s stored means destroying the only thing that is real in my reality. It’s my body and I’m not even aware of it. How fucked up is that.

‘Being’ inside my body
Yesterday I had my 3rd appointment with my Kinesiologist. I got my ‘Kraneo’ head massage. I could wright a book just about that hour being massaged and ‘touched’. I want to keep it short though so I’ll  stick to the points. I’m becoming aware of the fact that I’m floating on an ocean of pain. Every cell in my body is screaming but my ears are stuffed. I relax and I relax even more. The more I relax the more I’m aware of this overwhelming presence of ‘pain’ that is stored in my body. I could rant about systems and shit but I’m no authority so in my own words. It’s pain. Painful, personal. Information stored in every cell as me as what I have defined myself of over the coarse of my life. And it is huge!

A universe of pain
During the massage I really went into it and the horror cannot be described. It’s so vast I can’t bring it into words. But I was ‘OK’. Observing the whole thing and letting my body do the ‘talking’. The massage was aimed at equalizing the right and left hemispheres of the brain. I noticed myself inside and as the absolute outline of my physical body (being a balloon). Inside was nothing and outside was nothing. It was just me. Everything else was pain! The balloon was kept in place by pain it was defined by pain. I was watching one of the most exiting movies ever and it was al me...

The ghost image
L left me on the table wen she was finished. I waited till my eyes opened up and got up and off the table. L looked me in the eyes and was apparently satisfied with the results. “I don’t want to see you again, call whenever you think it’s necessary”. Laughter and that was it. I was very thank full for this experience. Getting support like this cannot be described in words. It has to be experienced. Is it fun? No. Is it cool? Yes. Getting to know the horror that is stored inside my body... Well it’s something else. Walking back to the car I wasn’t even completely in my body. It was like being in a time-lapse behind it. Like a silk scarf in the wind that follows the movement of that what pulls it.

Off the brakes
I haven’t really got anything done this week (matrix wise) and it’s Thursday as we speak. There is so much going on inside me but I can’t pinpoint what it is or what 'they' are. To be honest, I don’t want to. I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m slowing down. I’m slowing down for real. Not because my mind or the 'to-do' list tells me too but because It’s how it is. It's me slowing down and I'm freaking thankfull for that. This process is actually pain-full (full of pain, intresting). And I have an overwhelming urge to stop everything I’m doing. Just to stop myself completely. At least I allowed myself to take it easy and sleep it off. Did a lot of sleeping. It’s fascinating and it’s me that's doing it.

One breath at the time.

Naming my games

10 03 2011

Bodytalk
Today I had my second appointment with my Kinesiologist. The first time I was there, two specific points came trough. One was Earth the other was Water. They where both related to the elements/points of wood and fire. These two came trough as a ‘consequence’. Earth and water kind of in and as the polarity cancelling each other out. Leaving me stuck in the polarity middle or a loop sort of. Being stuck and unable to push/move. Fascinating stuff really.

So after this first consult I kind of stuck to a few simple goals for myself. I wanted to have a few simple routines that I could keep close to me daily and in every moment in an uncomplicated way. Just simple handy tools so I could be applying myself physically in every moment as much as possible. Mainly because I realize that I’m over complicating things most of the time. I had to be in the moment and breath as much as possible. Be in the moment and observe. Observing thoughts as they came up and don’t interact. Second point, keep moving in whatever I’m doing. Keep walking. Get it done, don’t hesitate. Take action again and again. And let go of what just happened as soon as possible.

So just by doing this I immediately got confronted with the waterfall of thoughts and the ridiculous little amount of time I spend in ‘the now’. It was a daily ‘mind-boggling’ experience watching these rivers of thoughts connect to feelings and emotions. So the next thing I tried to do was to apply self-forgiveness. This proved to be too much. This is where I kind of completely lost it.

Thoughts on the horizon
Now this I find very interesting. I noticed the following. Sometimes a thought came up but I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was actually just looking at it. No emotions, no feelings. I just watched them pas by like ships on the horizon. For example when driving my car I would see them as ‘things’ passing by. In the mean time I would breath and stay focussed on driving the car as me driving the car. Quite ‘ok’ actually. The strange thing being that I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was doing this. Then the next thing that would happen is my mind would kick in. “Shouldn’t you apply self forgiveness on that image that you just saw?”. “Come on you have to do this for yourself”. So I would go back to the image or thought, bring it back again and try to apply self forgiveness on it. I think what I should have done was adress 'the act' of me bringing these image or thoughts back. I 'saw' this as I was 'on the table' this afternoon.

Body support
I just didn’t see it staring me in the face. Got completely lost for words. And there it is. In the words. Naming the game. Keeping it simple. Not seeing the thing in front of me because I’m looking too far ahead. At the same time trying to apply self-forgiveness on the fact that I’m not able to see the real shit that’s right in front of me. What a mindfuck (LOL). This came to me as I was lying on the table talking to my Kinesiologist while she was working on me. It was really cool to have my own body giving me feedback like this. Thank you big time ‘buddy/body’.

Stop suppressing myself
When she asked me about specific points that I would like to address I brought this stuff up. I found it hard to be specific towards her because she speaks kind of a different language. The 'language' of Kinesiologists. I was able to communicate my point by explaining. That I had a ‘problem’ stopping my mind when thoughts and images would come. That I would judge myself when this happened and that these judgements would lead to suppression and ‘depression’. Causing friction thus energy and that this energy would manifest as the ‘hyper anxious me’. I told her I was kind of done with this ‘anxious me’. That this point needed 'change'. It has to be dissolved. I also explained the difficulties I experienced in voicing myself in and as simplicity. I experience my mind as this hysterical child that’s with me all day an it’s just tiring. Plain and specifically ‘simple’ voicing that’s what I would be able to do.

For example:


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not realizing that I have to just go to the toilet when I feel the urge to pee because this is not a healthy habit.


Instead off:


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not go to the toilet when I feel the need to pee.

I’m over complicating things all the time and I realize that it’s a big part of the way I programmed myself over the years. Taking way to much variables into my daily equations and situations. It’s no surprise that people see me as ‘distracted’ because I am. I realize that I find it very hard to be specific and give straight answers to seemingly straight forward questions.

Getting to ‘thee-point’ of self-intimacy
So she stopped me in my words and said “got it”. We both laughed and we started testing. At one point she asked me to massage (she knows I can do this) a specific point on the left side of my pubic bone. The moment I did this I noticed how sensitive and painful this was compared to the right side. So I asked her about this point and where it stood for.

It was related to my liver. "Having something on your liver" is a common phrase used in holland. So What’s on my liver? Interesting point. I did the massage and in the mean time she treated my back in the liver area. It took like one minute. Pain was gone and the little headache I had disappeared as well. This is really cool stuff. It’s immediate! It’s my body. No lies and instant truth about what’s here to be addressed. It also brought up the point of ‘self-intimacy’ very clearly. What does that mean to me? Well the proof of the pudding was in the eating. That’s what it was right there. Touch! just start touching. Just fucking do it instead of noticing shit in the mind. It’s again too simple to be true. So the whole point of self-intimacy bursted open for me right there. Cool as hell again. My new definition of Sex isn’t actually new. It’s that. It’s touch and giving yourself ‘real’ and specific ‘physical attention’. Checking myself by the millimetre. Point for point and start fucking talking to my body. I live inn it!

I forgive msyelf that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not talk to my body

Willing and walking
So the next thing was the point of ‘willing myself’. This is related to points on the side of my hands under my pink (finger) “Learning from 'mis-takes' and ‘knowing’ what’s good for ‘one’-self”. These point are related to the small intestine. The part that takes care of getting the specific and necessary nutrients out of all the stuff we put in our body’s daily. Again, very cool because for me this is so clearly related to this point of ‘being specific’, in voicing myself. Getting the ‘specific information’ out. Exercising my ability as the small intestine to know what I’m looking for and get what I need to support myself. Not wasting time in the process. In relation to this point she suggested a ‘Kraneo’ head massage. So the next appointment is next Wednesday. Going to get my head examined finally.

Give yourself a present and visit a ‘good’ Kinesiologist. It’s cool beyond ‘words’.

It's not my fault...

07 03 2011

Resistance

Over the last week I noticed a build up of resistance. The changes I’m going trough and the insights I’m getting are not ‘happy and joyful’ ones. So like a little spoiled child I go into resistance. I crawl under a blanket avoiding the ‘bad and ugly monsters’. The difference being that there is no parent that corrects or confronts me and that the monsters are created by myself. There is only me ‘as the parent’. So I create a lot of friction because I’m in a permanent state of polarity. Judging away at myself and at the same time realising that this is not the way to go. I lock up instead of applying myself immediately in those moments. To stop and breath. One particular point is important though. Taking a brake is not a ‘bad’ thing It’s taking an effective brake that’s the point here (I think).

A freaked out squirrel

There is this design job I’m working on. I started a weekend ago and I presented the first Ideas to the client on Tuesday last week. I was convinced it was good and I would get the ‘go ahead’ for working out the ideas. This was not the case. And although I realized nothing bad happened, my fears and ego got in the way big time. Also finishing the last DIP assignment was laying on the table downstairs. I locked into this pattern of being nerved and anxious. I have to perform, be disciplined, keep working. Go, go, go. It’s not a pattern actually. I think it’s part of the personality I created over the years. Hyped up. Never here. The expression would be a stressed out nut gathering squirrel on a branch looking for another tree that’s just too far away. He jumps, hits a few branches and lands on the Forrest floor (loosing his nuts in the process). He’s now on the same Forrest floor he should have used in the first place to get to the other tree. Now he climbs into the same tree again and repeats himself. I don’t want to judge myself to hard here but this is one stupid squirrel.

Hello personality

Wanting to be good and professional. Trying way too hard to be good and when the first obstacle presents itself the drama-queen stands up. A nervous, hyped up and insecure little kid that doesn’t now what to do or go about the simple things in front of him. I hysterical give into all the points my mind presents. And all that is presented are points of resistance and distraction that don’t support me whatsoever. Running away as far as I can from the confrontation.

Sidetracks

It’s the real shit here. What does it really mean to stop? To stop and take responsibilty for me and do what’s best for me, what’s best for all. Flight patterns that’s what they are. Instead of taking a real brake and just stop, go outside and walk for an hour (to the next tree). I find myself on the internet looking at horrific war imagery from Iraq and Afghanistan. Downloading a movie so I have something to watch in bed under the cover of ‘taking a brake’. Next thing I notice, it’s way too late and I’ve allowed myself to be sidetracked for a ridiculous amount of time. At the same time I’m permanently aware of myself doing this. There was this little voice saying ‘Mike come on, stop’. Mike you know what you are doing, stop’. I didn’t. Like a junkie I just kept on avoiding the things I had to address. The longer this lasted the bigger became the friction. The bigger the friction the more energy was generated. I locked inn, got possessed and eventually I was not productive at all.

Looping

What does this tell me. First of all. I must be more aware of the highs and lows. The way I charge myself with energy. It’s a fucker and it fucks me every time. It’s part of the personality I created and it has to come down. This has to be dissolved. So I must again remind myself and bring into action the ‘stopping’. What does stopping and slowing down practically mean to me? This I have to bring into the physical. Practically apply myself here. If not, I will be writing the same shit down again next week.

Keep it simple stupid

It’s too simple to believe actually. Maybe that’s why I cant do it. It’s a believe system I simply have to drop. Nothing is simple, can’t be. So now stress out Mike because it’s ‘hopeless’, I’m hopeless, I’m to stupid to understand. Run Forrest, run. So I run. I run onto the internet, I run into pictures, thoughts and emotions that have nothing to do with me or the thing standing in front of me. It’s a lie I believe in. Believes based on inferiority and fear of losing. It’s my superego versus that scary kid that isn’t allowed to speak about his fears and getting the support he needs. I’m starting to look at what I accepted and have allowed myself to become as the mind. A few months ago I would have been on the couch smoking my weed and go adios bad world. So these things slapping me in the face shouldn’t be a surprise actually.

Stand and deliver

I charged myself way to much last week and forgot to just stop, take a step back and look at myself from a different perspective. Instead I got consumed by taking on one thing after the other thinking that’s the productive way to go. A false sense of pushing. Look I’m pushing. I’m ok. I’m not lazy. In the mean time I was not productive at all And when the weekend came I was completely nervous and hyped up. Let’s see how this week goes.