Bleeding the system

04 03 2011

Being infected
The alarm bel woke me up. I was in the middle of a dream. I was in a hospital and at the same time I had a new place a new house. My new place didn’t have floors anymore so everything was at ground level. The rooms had walls of glass. The hospital and this house kind of merged together. The house was like in the hospital. I was in the hospital with only 2 or 3 other people. They might have been nurses or doctors but I gave them little attention. The hallways where kind of dark but I could see daylight seeping through some parts of the building. I was there because something or things literally crawled under my skin.

Let it bleed
If I looked at my hands I could see them moving, causing my skin to expand. Small entities the size of match-heads moving rapidly trough the vanes in my body. I felt no fear I just looked at it and decided to open a blood-vessel to see what they where. So I did. I did it with a fingernail and it was very easy. The bleeding was extensive so I removed myself from the room where the doctors where. As I was walking trough the abandoned hospital I left a trail of blood on the floor. Somehow I did this on purpose. Let my arm hang down to support the bleeding. Looking at my other arm I could see no more entities moving. There was absolutely no emotion but the bleeding caused a big mess. There where no sounds just the blood dripping on the floor. I new somebody would have to clean it up again so I decided to catch the blood in a T-shirt instead of letting it run out on the floor.

Being Mike Lammers
Next moment I’m in my new house with one of the doctors looking for something and at the same time explaining why it is that my house has see trough walls. I don’t remember the explanation though. If this would have been a movie it would probably be categorized as a psychological horror movie. I had no fear in this dream, no emotions. I was merely observing and acting as an actor would. That’s it.

As I woke up the first thing I noticed was that my body was actually hurting allover with my neck, arms and shoulders in particular. A slight headache and dazed. Like I would have been if I would have been smoking weed the night before. First thing I wanted to do is switch of the alarm clock and sleep for the rest of the day. Even now after a good cup of coffee I could go to bed and be asleep within five minutes.

Reality is a hospital
The hospital is the outside world. The glass house is me. Although I can look trough the walls, I’m still not able to walk trough them. Looking trough doesn’t mean that everything is clear. There are reflections and images are warped as the light passes trough the class. I noticed that the house only had my essentials in it. That’s something that’s on my mind as well lately. Stripping my life down to it’s essentials. This is also the big point of conflict. What is essential?

I remember going on a holiday to France when I was about 18 years old. I camped out in the middle of nowhere for about a week. It surprised me how little you need when nature is supportive. There was a little river that supplied drinking water from the mountains and if I had my daily calories everything would be perfect. I was there and that was it. No television, radio, books. There, breathing and being in the company of plants and animals. Perfect.

But that’s not reality is it? No, reality is dealing with me, my glass house. Walls of glass. Should I take them down as well? And than there is the dark hospital. Where the hardware is treated. This is where the medicine comes from. Medicine right. This is where I’m poisoned with the drugs of reality. This is where I have to get my money medicine. It comes from a dark hospital with only a couple of nurses and doctors. They are not there to make me healthy. They represent the few clients I have supplying me with the essential money-medicine I need to survive the hospital. It’s a business deal just like a real hospital. As long as they make money of me I’m allowed to stay inn. The moment my physical body starts supporting me they replace me with another patient to do business with. It’s the antibiotics equation isn’t it.

Reality doesn't change
I think this sums it up. Me myself and my work. The process, my house and the outside world. A dark hospital where I get the little medicine to survive in the physical reality that’s called society, leaving a trail of blood as I go along. Bleeding the system. Getting rid of entities via the physical body because that’s the only thing I can trust.

And right at this moment my overweight neighbours start fucking. The noise they make seeping trough the walls is a great sound track to the horror movie I call ‘daily life’.

Time / resistance

03 03 2011

Stuff

I find moving myself through resistance very hard to do. Two weeks ago I applied for a job at an advertising agency about 18 km from where I live. I’m looking for a steady job for quite a while now. Running my own business and everything that comes with it simply consumes to much time. And because my income isn’t steady there is always the fear of money. I’m alone so everything that needs to be done has to be done by me. Paperwork, the house, the car, shopping, cleaning, laundry, acquisition, networking, website, etc etc. 

Running Behind

I recently updated the software I work with. These are my tools. The better I understand how they work the more effective I am in producing my work efficiently. I used to invest rather a lot of time keeping up with the developments. The more I can do myself means less external costs. I’m lacking behind big time. It’s actually starting to slow me down. I have to look for stuff in manuals and menu's while I’m working.  At the same time the clock is ticking and I have to get shit done.

Parenting and planning

On top of that I deal with being a parent mostly every weekend. Picking up my daughter on Friday between 12:00-14:00 and returning her to school the next Monday around 08:00 in Germany. I can hardly get any work done during the weekend. I might watch some videos in the evening or read through the material but I can’t push myself to get out of bed and wright an assignment for example. A lot of resistance. This whole time versus money issue is so fucked up. It’s like there is no freedom at all. Every minute has to be planned and time managed or the whole thing falls apart. That’s the main reason I applied for a steady job. 

WTF

At the moment I find it undo able to get everything done to the minimum standards and investing a responsible amount of time into my Introduction course at the same time. Around 21.00 I’m mostly done. Cant really concentrate. After a day like today where I was really submerged in working out design issues for a client I notice this huge barrier when I switch over to the Desteni material. I start reading and I notice that I can’t get it into my head. And I know it has to become me. Not second nature but first nature. I don’t see myself doing this if my life stays organized like this and at the same time I don’t have a clue on how to organize it otherwise.

Today I got the phone call from the owner of the agency. And he told me he was very sorry but he just couldn’t fit me into a 4 day work schedule. He really needed someone that would be there at least 40 hours. In advertising this means at leat 50 to 55 hours a week. Not including drive time. It’s just impossible. The thing I keep running into is always the same. No option to work part-time. It’s either a shitty job that doesn’t bring enough money or working my ass off and come home wrecked. That’s when the other list has to be done. I know that there are people who do this. How?

When and how

It’s so abstract to me. it’s like that right now. I’m simply tired and want to lay down. Maybe watch a few videos in the videos section on the Desteni site but that’s it. Diving into the DIP, analysing sentences, interpreting words in english and than writing it out. No thanks. My head refuses completely. This is not working. I assumed that an hour a day as was indicated would be enough to stay on track. But I can’t get it done. It all takes way more time than I expected.

Really have to breath and relax now. Been behind this computer from 08.15 this morning with hardly no breaks. I want to lie down now and I’m going to lie down now. Today is done.

In respons to mail from A

A.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

- ‘BackChat’ - yes

- not moving - no

- experiencing yourself differently – yes

- self-doubt as self-sabotage - at times

- self-correction - not in every moment

- apply ourselves within the material - find this very hard in daily reality

- document our day to day experiences - often lost for words and also discipline

- doubting whether you should be in the DesteniIProcess - no

- accepted role(s) - yes, but I’m aware and acting on them

- you don’t feel you are effectively moving - yes

- not willing to change - yes and no

- survival linked to ego, money or a point of self-acceptance - yes, interesting point

A.

If you do not yet see Self within this ‘Equality Equation’ then your self-forgiveness is useless. So I suggest the following: Make a list of all the points you have been working on over the last few months. Then next to each point you write down where within the point have you not been able to stop and self forgive.

So what comes up for me right now?

 - work/money

Work has to be done first before all else. Money doesn’t fall from the sky. It enables me to do what I’m doing in the first place. Responsibility towards the minimum quality of the work and satisfaction of my clients nr. 1 priority.

- addiction

stopped weed again around the 13.th of january for the second time(loop). Committed to stand this time. Hard. Very hard. Physical reaction. Pain in arms, shoulders, back. Very unpleasant. Don’t know if it’s solely because of weed or that other points/forces are joining in at the moment. The pains do not fade and don’t go away. Still standing, still committed. But very hard at times. Also sadness and grief. I don’t think it’s self pity. It’s more like realising the time I wasted and the harm I caused in the process. So, ok self pitty after all. 

- patience

I think I want to do to much too fast. It’s a remark I got from a lot people in the past. Slow down man, relax. Rome wasn’t built in a day, etc. Also this ‘Bart Simpson’ syndrome of hyperactivity. Slow the fuck down. I’m sure there are people who get more done in a day. I’m however not those people. I’m me battling my own demons and I’m having a fucking hard time doing so (self pitty?). No I’m actually having a very hard time coping with my own shit here. I’m waltzing on a very thin line. I’m sure in time I might look back on my own stupidity and have a good laugh about this period. At the moment it is what it is. As ‘A’ wrote “it took her months of writing” to get where she is. Well I’m certainly not there yet. So got a lot of writing and self forgiveness ahead of me. 

Trying to fit everything into my life right now is hard enough as it is. Off coarse there are many points that I run into everyday that need immediate attention. I’m simply not able to give this to myself yet. So I take notice and start over. Next step is to document these events so they stick with me. So at the end of the day I can apply self forgiveness more effectively because the point is clearly written down or spoken into a memo recorder. This point could definitively be improved with a bit more discipline in combination with writing everyday. This is closely related to the point of ‘discipline’.

- ego/manifesting myself/talking/preaching

I notice that I lose myself when I’m with family. I don’t see my ‘friends’ that much. I’m pretty much on my own which is a point to look into as well. I feel very lonely and hollow at times. At the same time this surprises me because I never had problems with being alone in the past or as a child. On the other hand this could be my imagination because there where always ‘friends’ around. The main difference however is realizing that I’m alone in the first place. “there is only me”. One of my most prominent patterns was/is ‘superego’ so it’s no surprise that taking the sole responsibility for myself is not the easiest thing I ever did and that there is a big demon present that is not leaving without a fight (or two). OMG this is such a huge point. It’s present the moment I have to be social especially with family. People who are willing to accept so much more abuse from me than the average person. So I’m having troubles here. It’s clear to me I see it. What do I do? Stop visiting? Reduce visits? I’m loosing myself in those moments with people that are supposedly close to me. At the same time I’m able to observe what I’m doing. It’s a horror show. Not that it’s going wrong all the time. There is also progress being made. I mean I’m being aware of what I’m doing a lot of the time and that’s a ‘blessing’ in itself. I have to beware not to feed my ego though. Such a ‘blessing’ is not a compliment. It’s a point of awareness, something to write about and have a look at.

- discipline

I know it’s dangerous to compare myself to myself in the past. If I knew another way of checking my progress I would do so. I use my past as a box of reference. How did I do-what do I do. Writing as I do now helps me to kind of create a third perspective in words as I will read them back wen they are posted. Yes I should wright everyday. Yes I gave into resistance and didn’t wright under the excuse of fatigue. Yes I gave in to bad temper, self pity and laziness. No more. That’s why discipline is on the list as a point to work on in every moment, every breath. I will probably fall a million times. I will also get up again and will myself on this point. My main concern is the point as written above. Wright everyday! Regardless of my state of mind or the quality of my writings. Just fucking wright. Even if it’s just flag points or keywords wright goddamn it. I will wright... 

Continue tomorrow.

For now

28 02 2011
So how am I doing? To be honest, things don’t seem to be going so well. Right at this moment I notice a lot of resistance inside because of the ‘english’ I have to wright. But even if I had to do this in dutch it would probably be the same. I’m kind of all over the place.

Really don’t know where to start and how to make this a coherent story. So if this goes from z to a, I’m sorry in advance. Maybe it’s best to just sum up some keypoints from the last weeks.

- Applied for a steady job
- Went to the kinesiologist (did muscle communication)
- Got extremely restless afterwards
- Went to the chiropractor the next day to realign my vertebrae
- Got extremely tired and still am
- Conflict between me and my parents regarding the way I raise my daughter
- Settled a money argument with a client (75% is paid)
- Got completely possessed by thoughts, fears and emotions
- Lot’s of resistance regarding my process
- Very Depressed
- My father had an heart attack

Rest-less
So business wise I put an end to a very nervous period. This had to do with money off coarse. I finally settled a financial disagreement with a client. This calmed my nerves a little. Just as I planned to take my foot of the gas and calm myself down a little, a new and an existing client called. Both had work that had to be done fast. On top of this I visited a kinesiologist or whatever it’s called in English and I had my first consultation. Also my back had shifted the week before so my back wasn’t straight. A lot of old stuff was addressed through muscle communication. It was very interesting but I got extremely nervous and a lot of anxiety came up afterwards. It was a nervous state that was very hard to bare on top of my usual restlessness. I kind of completely locked into these typical personality patterns I sort of define as ‘my old self’. I got extremely disappointed with myself and I ignored this. The next day I went to the chiropractor to have my back straightened. Immediately afterwards I had an appointment with this new client. As I got home a got extremely tired. It was overwhelming and I completely lost track of myself. Couldn’t think straight and at the same time I couldn’t sleep because of the restlessness. Breathing didn’t help and most of the time I simply forgot to breath.

The following week I got a phone call from my mother around 07:30. My father just had an heart attack and was transported to the hospital in an ambulance. My mother was very sick so she couldn’t join. I went over to see her and immediately thereafter went to the hospital to see how bad it was. By this time I kind of went into a trance state. I was so tired. Everything was kind of blurry, suppressed, hollow, empty. It was like every definition inside of me went into this black hole. I felt completely empty and tired. I could have been shot right there. I felt nothing. I ran on a few thoughts and a simple list. Go to the hospital, see how he’s doing, go back to mom and tell her. Get to work. Check email, etc. Nothingness. Just sheer nothingness.

Mommy I failed
I started working on my DIP assignment. But it was like it wasn’t me that was reading the material and working trough the words. Couldn’t get my head straight. Lost. Completely lost myself. I failed my assignment. Which was to be expected but the feelings of inferiority combined with clouds of superego that produced lighting bolts of fear and anxiety came anyway. Couldn’t stop it and I felt completely fucked. I.o.w. I fucked myself.

Addiction points
I again stopped smoking weed around the 13th of january for the second time. I’m committed to stand this time. This probably plays a major part in what I am observing and experiencing right now. Observing myself over the past few weeks I think ‘cold turkey’ would be the best description. I can only say yes to the fact that I indeed am a robot. It feels like fighting a factory of machines inside myself. They don’t get tired but I do. It’s sheer horror and my body feels like a bomb went off inside. This is all new to me and at times it scares the crap out of me. I just crawl into bed and try to sleep. Never felt so fucked in my entire life. Wondering how the hell I’m going to produce something substantial wen it comes to work. I mean this shit has to be done, it pays the fucking rent.

So I made this my priority list.

- Breathing
- Work and money
- Timemanagement
- My daughter
- DIP
- Family

My shoulders are beginning to hurt again. Going to stop. Keep you posted.

Killing my own darlings

25 01 2011

Where my money comes from?
I wasn’t consistent in my daily writings the past few weeks. Been working hard in the matrix because the money point needed attention big time. Lot's of fears and I was drifting all over the place. April 2010 I started working on a rather big project. For a company that does 24 million euros in revenues a year. I mainly work on corporate identity projects. These projects take time which means I don’t have to be in involved in cold acquisition every month. I wouldn’t survive the horror of having to do that. Anyway It’s a lot of work meaning a lot of hours. Doing one big project a year brings in about 10-15.000,- on top off the small stuff. This is just enough for me to survive and pay the morgage.

Moving inside the wolfpack
Make no mistake, this is the corporate world. I love my work but 'that world' is a different story. The corporate world is 'fuckup' beyond believe. I’m independent since 2006 but earning money in this system is no fairy-tale. I mostly deal with people on general management level. This means I as an outsider always step into a group in which the rules are already laid out. So before I can do my thing I have to know the rules of the pack I’m getting myself into.

The pack from the inside out 
Imagine people closely working together for more than eleven years. They have there own codes, lingo and group behaviour. I’m never sure if what I see is what I get. There are so many unwritten rules and secrets. So much psychology I’m not aware of and at the same time I’m responsible for fairly intensive periods of change within an organisation. In theory you could say it’s their own wish, they want to change and they need the expert advice. Getting this done is another story though. I’m dealing with people and confront them with change that wil affect their daily lives. These are the hard facts about working inside a pack. The pack is always more important then the individual. This relates back to the 'corporate identity', meaning that I will be confronted with different opinions, ego’s and resistance sooner or later.

The misconception of 'value'
A lot of corporate identity issues have to do with ‘perceived value or intrinsic value’. This means that a lot of what is communicated has nothing to do with measurable facts or 'real' value. Being in this process of confronting myself in self-honesty is the opposite of my daily work. It’s schizophrenic beyond words. Corporate communication is the business of professional liars and spin-doctors. All those companies claim human values and the whole spectrum of clichés that go with it. I’m on the inside observing from the war rooms of deception. The company I was working for employs 75 people that they hire out to large institutions in the Netherlands. Hospitals, schools, government and large companies. Big IT projects that need management. I soon found out that the management team knew exactly what they where inn for. In contrast to the CEO who was still completely in the dark

Being part of the illusion
After my first presentation about the strategy and proposed identity they where very impressed and they liked the strategy, visionary aspects and points off change I presented. I got my first uncensored feedback from people below the general management and the CEO. People that where in the field. The breathing living workforce that makes an organisation what it is. The physical reality of this brand. They addressed the pressure points spot on. That’s when I started to feel really uncomfortable. They asked exactly the same questions I asked the CEO 3 months earlier. He told me he was going to create an internal team of people that would take on the task of internalising the new strategies within the organisation. So to be confronted with the fact that this didn’t happen in the middle of a presentation in front of all employees had to be rather embarrassing for mister CEO. But what I observed blew my mind. He stepped forward and without hesitation and full of confidence started ranting about the future, sharing, personal targets etc. etc. He was completely in his own world as I watched in horror how 75 people slowly but steadily lost complete interest or got hypnotized by words without any substance.

Stuck in nothingness
I felt ashamed to be there. I felt like the people in the audience. Being fucked with a straight face. And there I am. Me, my, a company consultant next to this person who completely believes his own story. I can’t even blame him. I mean I’m just as mindfucked as he is, it’s just in a different place. But in that moment I somehow knew this was not going to work. It was not real and my strategy was built on real values that had to be in place otherwise this strategy would not work. Afterwards People on the board (asskissers to the CEO) spoke to me. I got compliments, taps on the back you know the drill. So I’m driving home in this snowblast not being able to really drive and my mind is everywhere. It’s not going to work. He does not understand or sees it. Doesn’t take himself serious enough and he’s leading the company not me. What can I do?

To do or not to do?
Nothing. There is absolutely nothing I can do. Making a stand would mean confronting this man. The outcome of telling men with ego’s the size of aircraft carriers the painful truth is shockingly simple. You get eliminated as a threat. Removed from their matrix and replaced by someone who doesn’t ask questions. I’m inside a part of the moneysystem generator. It’s so clear, shockingly clear. In these moments I really lose it. Horrible fear! Sickening vibes in my stomach. Not a clou of how I would be able to apply myself in this line of work in the future.

Not being directive enough
Third big project as an independent consultant and I more or less knew this one was not going to have an happy ending. I decided to just stick to it. I needed the money. So in that moment I kind of decided I would be prostituting myself. And If I was to be making money I would have to keep doing it. This would get to a point where money would meet my ethics and self-honesty and I would brake and loose it. To cut a long story short. Because of his complete lack of knowledge on the subject a lot of hours had to be added in what could have been a fairly straightforward process. So eventually I add up the hours over a two month period and this ads up to 227 billable hours. The CEO promised me he would straighten out the financial aspects with me before he went on a four week holiday with his family.

Consequences
I mailed him several times and a day before he would fly I got him on the telephone. He promised to have a proposal on my desk before he flew. He flew without the promised proposal. That’s where it cracked. So I wrote my first honest mail. In which I confronted him as a person that not stood to his own word. In other words I called him a liar. This is not done in business. I received a reply full off apologies and the next promise that he would have everything in order the moment he returned from his holiday. I was on him the same day he returned. Nothing. Fried air and bullshit-bingo excuses. In that moment I played out the only card I had wich was the very expensive corporate brochure that was going into production. Half of it was paid in advance so his MONEY was in there. I told him that legally I owned the creative and intellectual contents of that brochure (which is actually true but very hard and EXPENSIVE! to defend in court). So this worked. I also told him I wanted all the money he owed me at once. No more spread out payments or tax constructs. Pay the fucking money. I wrote a mail that was angry, personal and had all the raw facts of his behaviour in it. The money was transferred and I committed commercial suicide. That was yesterday. That’s the moneyfuck.

Tomorrow I will be Walking the streets again looking for another customer to screw. It sickens me. Tomorrow I’m going to apply for a job. Again!

It's in my DNA

25 02 2011

New client evokes 'energy'
So, let’s do this. Ok. Had a productive and enjoyable day (business wise). Which brings me to my daily words-thoughts and feelings. This morning I was invited to a strategic brainstorm regarding the biggest city in the east of holland called Enschede. Every big city makes claims and we had to come up with one for Enschede. For example Vegas used to claim “what happens in Vegas stays in vegas”. Easy to remember with a drip of humor so it sticks in ones mind. In advertising this trick is called “brain positioning” and there are a lot of strategies/ways to do this (great job in psychological warfare I have). But I have a few principles otherwise the schizophrenia in relation to my process would be unbearable. In this particular case it was rather fun and enjoyable.

Where I come from
In the early 20th century Enschede belonged to the biggest textile producing city’s in the world. And strange as it may sound it was also the biggest advertising capital in holland sharing this position wit Amsterdam. Amsterdam was about money and goods, Enschede was about Textile. It’s still called Textown by a lot of people. The whole region where I live was dependant on textile. Whole villages lived from the local textile factory that was present. In the village where I live (haaksbergen) you can still see this. The big houses that belonged to the daily factory management where closest to where the factory would be. The further from the factory, the smaller the houses. These houses are still called ‘labour houses’. They where build by the textile baron (dictator) same as the theater, the museum, the park. All textile money. Then you had the have not’s who didn’t belong to this structure. They where on there own and left to there own devices. Very poor mostly living of the land in huts you can hardly call homes. I talked to my grandmother about this wen she was still alive so it’s close to me. It’s really the world reduced to a village and a textile factory. Sounds familiar? America was build on exactly the same principle with railways connecting the city’s together. A bit like what the internet is doing right now. America is a European concept imported with the Europeans as was Apartheid in South Africa.

My birthplace and herritage
Everybody knew everybody in town so there was ‘social control’ as well. There would always be ears and eyes. George Orwell stuff really. So my father, just like his father was preprogrammed to end up behind a machine in a textile factory. Which off coarse happened. He was 14 years old wen he started working in a noisy, dusty plant. There where simply no other options. This is where the Desteni material comes inn. If you where born into a ‘management’ family you would live out your life according to the boundaries set for that group. If you where born in a ‘workers’ family etc. Now here is the strange thing. My grandfather was born as a ‘Lammers’ but the family couldn’t find any traces that went further back than that? That’s at least strange in a village where everybody knows everybody. I mean if you would fart in church your name would be known, halleluja.

The privilige of guild
A few years back wen my grandmother died we discovered that my great grandfather was a 'Jordaan' and not a 'Lammers'. He was a member of the big textile family that ruled over the little village. This man had a very illusive reputation and a female housekeeper that got pregnant. She was forced to marry a factory worker also called Derk (Lammers). This 'created' family got their own little door in the wall surrounding the factory. Completely bizarre. No other factory worker ever was given this privilege I mean this is really creepy. My father was never told by his own parents. They had to die first before the secret came out. The moment I got this news I wondered what this meant in relation to my family tree and DNA. I mean, how big can the contrast be. My bloodline runs back into two completely different families. One of them being the bourgeois the other poor factory workers. I also wonder if the above has anything to do with my father being able to eventually work his way up to become a print designer for The Jorzelino brand. This normally would have been impossible for the 'normal' folk.

Inventing Enschede
Eventually in the 60s asia became the centre for textile production in the world and the whole region where we lived went into a deep recession. Imagine how this must have been. The hole structure was build on textile and it collapsed completely. So it took everything and everybody with it. The whole region was forced to reinvent its self. So wen the session kicked of this morning, it was said that Enschede really needed transformation. This was worked into one of the first remarks I gave during this brainstorm. I said that this was a process that all ready started back in the sixties nothing shocking. So if there was one starting point for positioning this town it would be ‘Transformation’.

Information inside my body
All this family stuff was with me as we started to brainstorm at the communication agency this morning. I noticed that I was one of the few people that really new the region and it’s particulars. Most people present where not as well informed as I was on this subject so I was able to put a lot into the group and we really kicked ass this morning. I felt at ease with myself also because I limited my sleeping hours this week to a minimum. I stopped weed last week and having little sleep helps me to stay more or less relaxed during the day. I don’t get hyped up so much because I’m simply to tired. I was more focussed than I normally am. I was also more able to listen what was coming over the table from the other participants. It felt rather good and I was really trying hard to be professional and not let my ego or pride fuck things up. I loose my self very easily wen I get enthusiastic. Which is an emotion anyway thus not real. Anyway I made some very good contacts and made my money in the process. I did OK today and I was professional and productive which feels refreshingly good (which is an emotion thus not real). It was quite cool to be able to observe myself and at the same time be really productive and part of a group making money at the same time. I couldn’t help thinking about this strange outflow regarding my family though. I felt authority on the subject running trough my vanes (which is ego thus not real). But it helped me to stand in the matrix equal to the money I want as the Professional they hired to do a job.

A bit intimidated
There where a few moments I got carried away because of the dynamics of the group. I mean MT was there who is kind of the godfather of advertising in the east of holland and founder of the famous M agency. He and I had a very nice creative vibe going. It was the first cool professional day I had in years. But I was very aware of my emotions as I drove back home. Kept breathing and kept myself stable and calm reasonably well. I heart J’s voice next to my on a couple of occasions. Reminding me to shut up and listen unconditionally. Today was a learning experience in the physical and it was cool. Another point that keeps coming up is my yearning for a dog. I always had dogs and I wonder if it would be good for me to go find a pup. This house has only me in it. I think it needs more life. I really do.

I'm cool (sort of)

Feeling more stable (quess I have to thank myself for this...). Have to focus on a few important matrix tasks regarding a few of my clients. My money point needs attention. I will give it that.

Hammer came down

23 02 2011


Ok, short update. My body hurts. Specifically my upper arms and lower back. Warm and cold flashes all day running up and down my spine and pulsing round my solar plexus and kidneys. Overall shakiness and vibration. Not feeling stable at all. Beginning to worry about being able to get my matrix work done tomorrow. Also a bit confused about the assignments I downloaded yesterday and how to get all this down and having to do a lot of business stuff as well the coming days. Breath Mike. Yes. So Going downstairs now. My daughter is waiting for me. Tonight I’ll take her back to germany around 19.00 hrs. We slept out this morning. She needed it and I did as well. We had a very nice day together. Going to watch the videos tonight and make a start with my first assignment.

Loosing myself going into patterns

22 01 2011
Just had a Skype with J. The first thing that comes to mind is speed and information and the way I process all this information that is coming to me solely in my head. I try to ‘understand’ but I don’t. I have to see but I don’t. I have to will myself. Second thing. Pride and ego and trowing words out there that have no significance or connection with what I have to walk here in every moment. I see this as being ‘of track’. I don’t see what is so I can’t act on it. At the same time I ‘know’ it’s about ‘doing’. Stopping myself, willing myself. I’m frying my brains here which is unnecessary and ridiculous because I have to breath and slow down. There is more than enough on my plate as it is. I’m not going to accept this restlessness to continue.

I’m having a really hard time coping with the amount of information coming in and that what I accept and allow to take on. It’s a process Mike. Steps please. What do I expect of myself and which point is it that I have to walk as the point that has to be dissolved first. Can I agree on at least one point to focus on and take that as the point to walk? I don’t know and I don’t see. There is so much to write about and I find it hard to stay centred in what I want and have to take on. It get’s a bit blurry I muss confess.

Feeling stressed actually.

Going to watch the rest of the videos now. I will listen unconditionally and not take notes anymore. Because this requires me to push the pause button which means I’m not listening anymore. After that I will only post the notes I already made and try to describe how I feel in that moment. Than I will sleep. Tomorrow is for my daughter and monday it’s work. There is a lot for me to do this week. I feel rushed or I’m rushing myself to much and there is lack of focus on a where I want to go from here. Find it so hard to put my state into words. I’m scattered and not helping myself fruitfully here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to mix up information without having a clou about what I was saying
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to scatter in trying to cope with information overload
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to pull the information in myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I understood what was coming in
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to structure information I’m not yet capable of structuring
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think instead of listening unconditionally
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to divide my attention instead of focussing on a single specific point
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not make a overview of the things ahead
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to stay up to long and get information addicted
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try and keep up with insights I simply not have yet
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think this is a race I can win
Scattering again :(
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel selfpitty

Ok enough go watch the vid now!

Smoking and missing my brother (again)

22 01 2011
Stopped weed again after last weekend (the ‘E’ weekend) and I notice a dramatic increase in my nicotine consumption. Which at the moment could be described as ‘chain~~smoking’. The usual pattern would be me doing stuff like planning, concepting, designing or whatever. After finishing like a ‘section’ of work I would take a cigarette lean back and reflect on what is in front of me. Either in my ‘mind’, writing or ‘image’. I always enjoy those cigarettes. The taste, the smoke, the flavour. I ‘enjoy’ those smokes period. This is different though. My throat is sour the smoke tastes sharp and sour and there is no ‘enjoyment’. When I smoke weed It’s mostly after everything is done. This may come as no surprise to those who are experienced potheads that have to make a living for themselves.

I ones did an experiment with a colleague and friend J.K. We both worked for the same advertising agency. Normally every day was stuffed with work and we would be going home with a buzz in our heads and burning eyes from staring at monitors for way too long and having headaches from being in a ‘air-conditioned sick-building’.

In this case we where nearing the end of a project so the stress levels where decreasing. We where on our lunch brake and around 14.00 hours walking through the centre of Enschede (that would be in the netherlands). So we passed by the famous coffeeshop Mix. Maybe I have to explain that you can order coffee there but most people buy they’re weed or hasj in ‘a coffeeshop’. This is holland remember. So we walked through this cloud of fine cannabis odours and potheads as we are we take a deep breath. Ooh nice. I had this unwritten rule to never be under influence while working, especially while working inside with other people. But we looked at each other and decided to do an experiment. We would buy a ‘ready-rolled’ and smoke it while walking back to the office and see what would happen those last 4 hours of the day. So that we did. While smoking we walked and the THC kicked in. It was in the mid of summer so we felt chill and relaxed behind our sunglasses. Up till the moment we entered the office building and got into the elevator.

The bussing of the airco, the remains of smells from other people, the electricity. The whole experience immediately changed. My heart rate increased and I didn’t feel ‘comfortable’ anymore. Back at my desk I dove back into my work and the first thing I noticed was that my thoughts where like a bunch of hysterical children running around in my head. My mind was unable to get back into the programming needed for the work on hand. If I focussed on my layouts my eyes kind of had there own plan. I wanted to look there but they where over here. It would have been funny if my heart wasn’t pounding like it did. The whole room felt like this scene from the matrix where neo sees 3 agents at the end of the hallway and everything is in green code but I was definitly not ‘the one’. OK 3,5 more hours to go and I’m out a here. What a nightmare. I looked at J.K. and he looked back with ay very affirmative look in his eyes as we made ‘the pistol to the head gesture’. He was going through the exact same experience. Now we had this room where we made mockups, prints and dummybooks. Kind of the illegal retreat room so to speak. We gave each other the sign and got the hell out of the studio.

First reaction J.K.? “A nightmare!” Specifics? Anxiety, claustrophobia, panic, etc. It was the same with me. The whole environment became ‘hostile’ in our experience. Now what did this tell us? I mean are we freaking out or are we becoming aware of the insanity of this place? We both opted for the last conclusion.

What does this tell me about weed. I mean weed is my stability point. I adore this stuff like a brother (or sister). I remember the first time I had my own harvest and I mean harvest! It was like 1,5kg from one tree I was allowed to grow in my mothers garden. W and I took it back to Almelo where I studied at the deva. We could smoke as much as we wanted because we didn’t have to pay a penny for the shit and it sold well in school. So we were smoking like 4-6 grams at once in water pipes just to see what would happen. Shit happened believe me. Listening to Kind of blue by Miles Davis became like a ride on the back of an elephant over the bottom of the ocean lit by fluorescent lightning. Captain Beefheart felt like an army of Trolls marching trough my room. Tom Waits sounded like Thor if he ever existed. I was transformed by those experiences back then and I really fell in love with weed. It was also my ultimate painkiller. I used it for everything and a lot of times it really supported me. Except for those moments I was hiding away from stuff. There’s my confession. ‘I’ ‘love’ it like a brother and stopping in my weed addiction feels like ending a very intimate ‘relationship’. In essence I think that’s what it is for me.

The outcome of our experiment only confirmed that ‘this brother’ was actually brutally clear about the environment I called my place of employment. It was hell there. Locked in to my normal system with ‘my brother’ at home waiting for me enabled me to bare the mental and physical lunacy that is ‘an advertising agency’. Stoned and in slow-motion with ‘brother’ whistling in my ear telling me the truth, it more or less became visible and sensible where I was and what was there. Of coarse ‘I’ knew I was under influence so I blamed brother for a bad trip. But was this really the case?
Relationships are always complicated but this one is mind boggling. I know its an addiction point. I see I’m addicted but the strange thing is...

I find stopping weed actually easier than cigarettes (I think). I really could use some perspective on this. In the abstract, If this where a choice I would quit smoking and remain a pothead though. It almost feels like mutual respect. And when I smoked pot at the end of a day my cigarette consumption always lay between 10-15 cigarettes on average. This becomes increasingly more interesting although I see it has nothing to do with self honesty and standing equal. It’s not about that. It’s an observation, I read the article about Marihuana and what it is meant to do.

But my question remains. Why am I smoking like a chimney right now? Where does this come from?

Ooops 02.32 have to be up at 07.00. Good night.

Points behind points behind points behind points....

20 01 2011


- Spitefulness
- Self-pity
- Self-responsabilty
- Self-forgivness
- Taking control / making a stand
- Moving trough resistance in the mental, physical and the matrix

Playfulness
Really don’t know where to start. It’s extensive and it’s huge, overwhelming, tiring, painful. f.u.c.k! Yesterday I was in germany. My daughter lives there with her mother who is a music and english teacher. I picked her up from school and we drove to her house. That evening C was giving a concert with all her students so we where asked politely to stay out as long as possible (lol). So we did. We paid a visit to her former kindergarten because that was what she wanted to do. After that we had dinner at the drive-inn and had a lot of fun together. So cool to spend time and I really like the way we are playful together. I mean she is my daughter so ‘I’ ‘understand’. It’s like all my shit moves to the background wen we ‘communicate’.

Yes no gods
After the concert and bedtime story my ex and I started to talk. she remarked on the way F and I made or entrance that evening (my daughter and I where a bit rebellious and I was in a ‘hyperstate’). So I got reprimanded for that in a specific way. I couln’t place it at first but I noticed her ‘female-power’. She really stood up in making her point and was very explicit doing so. At first we where into the usual ‘surface’ talk but because she more or less knows I’m doing some kind of ‘process’ she started asking questions. I think and am quite shure that this had to do with her worries of me not believing in ‘gods’ anymore (this is my observation). She is a very involved free evangelical christian so this had to step forward sooner or later.

My child
It’s her baby and she’s protective. At least that’s how I interpreted her initial reaction towards me. Anyway, we really got a conversation going and we didn’t had one like this for a very long time. At some point my addiction points got addressed. She started talking about her feelings and emotions during the time she got pregnant. We lived on my houseboat together while she was pregnant. My weed and porn addictions where allready in the open at that time so she knew I had a problem and she was in great pain because of this. I was having a burnout so I was a ‘double moron’ at the time. Unable to relate to her suffering (and my own). We moved from the boat I had to sell to a house I bought with lot’s of difficulties and everything intensified. Soon after my daughter was born we broke up.

So that's how you see me
She talked and addressed a lot of my ‘personality’ and reactive behaviour. She did this before but my head was a hole wen she talked. However this time I somehow really got the points she addressed and I felt a lot of -emotions- come up. I saw myself standing as the ass hole that I was in my words and deeds. It became increasingly painful and it was raw. I couldn’t control the tears that came up. It was that good and it hurt that much. I screwed her and myself big time but it was in the past so what could I do but let her talk it out. I listened and shivered. My stomach was on fire, tears where in my eyes and I felt nausea (is that the word for kind a wanting to trow up?). Than it hit me the moment she said enough talk Mike let me see it happening. And it hit me like a hammer! I have to get fucking going. Move myself. Bring it on. Make it happen. Be the change. Move. Push. Stand up. Why is it so fucking hard to just shut myself up and walk the walk. I was really devastated and emotional. Couldn’t stand and take it as useful information. 


The 911 call
C went to bed and I was in the living room alone. So I got my aging powerbook out planning to write at least some ‘keywords’ down so I would remember the next morning that there was a lot to address and what to address. The moment the operating system came on line a mail from J came inn. So I made a very brief statement about what had happened but I couldn’t send the email because of the local wifi configuration. So I took the phone and called J. It was about 00.15. It must have been no more than 2 or 3 sentences and J interupted me very bluntly.


“Dont dump your selfpitty on me”


-!@#$%^&*()-


Everything went kind a bananas in my head and body. Thoughts raced, my body tensed up. I tried to breath to no avail as J stepped on the gas a bit more. I crumbled like dutch spekulaas. Found it very difficult to keep focused on what J was ranting about. Feelings of anxiety and being out of breath. Defence mechanisms, Ego, fear, sadness, unbelieve. Mainly my ego got a well deserved uppercut again. Told J before boxing would be perfect as her sport (she’s a ‘natural’). Total short-cut, lightning and thunder that’s how it felt. J had no mercy she stepped it up a bit more and after I don’t now how long the rant kind of mellowed out and we said goodby.

Sleep over it
Conclusion as always. Get in fucking gear moron. Stop. Stand. Walk. Went to bed like a zombie and got up the same way. Was able to do what the I had to do today but was shaky all day. Lack of sleep as well I suppose. OK. Think it’s said. Next thing would be to address the spitefulness but I’m really to tired to do that right now.

Betablock

18 01 2011
Recap on the weekend. After a pretty hard working day around 17.30 J came in. I was on the phone and bumped into her in my living room. It was funny and she kicked my ass. We both had a big grin on our face the moment we saw each other. J has changed. I don’t know exactly what it is but she’s more mellow towards me. I’ll come back to this later. Two weeks ago J asked me to write about a few specific points. Being: ‘self dishonest regarding falling into addiction’ and ‘me in relation to women. Falling in love, loosing self in the relationship’. I really wanted to take this on but somehow I couldn’t get started. “There’s no excuse Mike”.

Blocking the Beta
Well, anyway last weekend was kind of really, really cool and really, really hard. Both points actually came forward in a way I didn’t expect. But that is always the case when J is involved. I started cooking and we talked. We always talk and we talk a lot. I have to adjust because I’m mostly alone in my house and then it’s quit. The main talking I do during the week is with clients and that is business talk, matrix talk. Which is incomparable with the way J and I talk. We talk so much that it’s hard for me to keep track of what and when and I really have to adjust to this. But I’m getting better at it. We made some salad with fish and had dinner. It was good. Afterwards I was in the kitchen and J asked if I was in for an experiment. Well this was the beginning of a very interesting weekend. We took a certain substance. It was so freaking cool. My mind went completely blanc, silence kicked in and there we where on the couch talking straight into a very long and fabulous night.

Shifts
Somehow I felt completely at ease with myself. My mind stopped ranting which is a gift in itself. And I observed. J had a very specific fear attack but it didn’t move me emotionally I was just there as me supporting J I suppose. Everything turned out fine. I cant bring everything back here in words but a lot of things started moving within me. Everything shifted it was so cool. This went on till about five or six in the morning. I think we had no more than an hours worth of sleep.

Getting feedback
Next day we chilled and talked about everything at our doorsteps at the moment. J is thinking about moving out of amsterdam and it’s interesting to observe my own (emotional) reaction to this point. Being able to spent more time with J... O shoot, there I go. Women, relationships, agreement, my process, addiction points, emotions and the unacceptable behaviour that is still me. The long road ahead, etc, etc. I’m really a moron and I don’t mind that J addresses me as such. So we talked about this shit. About the first months after we met again. The way I crawled under a stone after I fell after stopping my weed smoking habit. I couldn’t face J and share myself. So self dishonest screwing her in the process. Unacceptable yes!. Somewhere during the weekend she said “when two or more are walking...” Now this stuck in my mind so vividly. Why am I screwing myself this much. It just makes no(n)sense.

The addiction point of s*x
And we talked and talked. Come evening we watched a rather lousy movie which was OK just hanging on the couch letting the day be the day and me off coarse attacking another bunch of J’s body points. It’s becoming a reflex. The moment we are together and have physical contact my hands are on there own. It’s just so cool to really start discovering what ‘supporting each other’ implies in the physical. Sunday the sexpoint was adressed and reevaluated which was another great experience. Fuck it let’s fuck. so we did. It was so cool. The whole thing was a breeze and I think we both stepped to plate on this one. We really pushed a lot of stuff I cannot find words for. It’s moving. Things are moving. During all these moments I was permanently aware of this latent emotion of being ‘in love’. At the same time looking at it and breathing trough it. Emotions, not real. It made me cry several times. Just tears very little energy. I find it very hard to bring my experiences into words. I think we are simply cool together but in order for this to have any perspective I have to really start pushing myself even harder in being brutally honest with myself and stop. Just fucking stop and breathe. Eventually I lock inn. To much information for one weekend. My head just refused to work. Words become bubbles of sound and I really loose the ability to really listen and I become unstable. I was able to explain this to J without being a moron at the same time (lol).

Reactions
So, great weekend, great stuff, good insights and a big black hole. Sunday evening was planned for work but it was impossible. I couldnt move my arms and was just tired as hell. In bed I started burning, Stomach, neck, arms, my back. It was not a big fire but it was definetly not ‘cool’ . Burning down the house.

Next day J and I had a long phone call in which a lot of points where addressed again and talked about. Somewhere down the line I mentioned an sms I got from my former girlfriend and the response I gave. This opened up a big point. Spitefulness. Yes. After a rant from J about this manifestation of me it got to a point where everything stopped. There was nothing left. I sat in front of the window, could see my reflection but it could have been the other side of the universe. There was nothing. No-thing. I’m nothing. A bunch of crap that’s me. I’m so glad J keeps confronting me like this. It keeps me humble and grounded. Otherwise I might have been really happy after this weekend and that’s not what I want I think?

To finish off with a dream I had this morning. I was on the farm. Walking, talking and somehow the sun never rose?

Freaking tired, sleepy time.

Addiction points and falling

14 01 2011
Addiction in general. Am I admissible to addiction? Yes, very. If I look back on things I kind of programmed myself into a very compulsive personality. I think my addictions are the points I see the most clear. Weed, (porn/system) Sex, smoking, coffee. Very persistent points. When I look at my behaviour, It’s the same thing. I like to have routines to do stuff. Often these routines become compulsive in that I loose patience or get emotional when I’m not able to do stuff ‘my way’ or in other words ‘my routine’.

Programming 
Honesty? No. In my childhood I did a lot of ‘illegal stuff’. Things I couldn’t take home to my parents. Things I could not talk about. So I had to make up story’s. All lies and eventually this became part of my behaviour. I desperately wanted to feel accepted so I made everything bigger, better and more impressive than it actually was. I did the same thing in ‘relationships’. I thought women wanted a specific kind of man so I tried to be that man. Than off coarse I had to lie because I’m not ‘that man’. ‘A man’ doesn’t even exist. But although I was of sick of myself a lot of times, when I was honest and told the truth there would mostly be an argument or a lot of friction and emotion. So I stuck to my strategy of ‘selective communication’. I.o.w. total dishonesty.

Being self-honest
Things have changed though. It’s quite a relief to notice that It’s actually doable. But that has a lot to do with the way J is confronting me and me being able to open up to her and really ‘get it’. But it’s still there. Call it ‘I’, the mind, systems, whatever. J is on the move at high speed and sometimes this makes me kind of jealous. Another point to face. I know I have to face all these points one by one. Why is it so fucking hard to motivate myself? Painful observation. Self pitty?

Facing the greatest evil...

16 12 2010 

‘seeing things but not acting uppon them’

My basic programming
Yes that’s what I do. From the first time I decided to skip a class in school till the last time I called in sick while this was not the case. I’m evil, I’m a preacher. Ones I started reading ‘books of old wisdom’ I thought some kind of veil was lifted. Making me holier than the pope. This whole 'veil' was off coarse part of the 'white light construct'. It made me belief I knew more than other people. It made me feel better, superior. So that moved me in a certain parking spot next to other 'lightworkers' or people who shared my insights. The ‘nobody understands us because we are the 'enlightend’ (fuckups) or something.

The Saboteurs
Guru’s, chakra systems, purifications, mantra, wisdom, ‘logic’, reincarnation, sferes, higher states-beings, planes of existence. It’s very easy to get fooled and completely loose it. And there are a lot of similarities with reading the Desteni material at first clance. That's the genius isn't it. It's right in front of everybody but nobody 'sees'. Anyway, that was my snug corner to program myself into the great fuckup for the years to come. Evolution, Evol-ution, Evilution.

Climpses of self-expression
One of the first concepts I saw for myself when I was about 19 years old was that of ‘energy’. I was watching the full moon pass trough my little bedroom window. Very slowly from left to right and somehow some switches where flipped. Something like, image-moonlight-fotons-energy-distance-time-observing-observer-thought-electricity-magnetism-field-resonance-influence-manifestation etc.. I was reading a lot of Vedic scriptures at the time and stephen hawking just got famous. I was also very intrigued by quantum mechanics although I only understood on an ‘intuitive’ level what was going on. One scientist I think it was Niels Bohr gave an example why quantum mechanics where so hard to understand for the ‘normal man’ in the street. It went something like:

“if 'the instrument' whe use to gather data that's more 'subtile' than
'the instrument', that instrument is not going to give you any data”.

This sentence has been with me ever since. I now realize my mind has been that system all along. I am such systems, a lot of them in fact.

So my next thought was ok, a thought is more subtle than my 12 volt battery. Common sense I suppose. Thoughts trigger neurons which is measurable as electricity. The thought itself is not. What substance is the thought made of?  Plus, when energy is created there is always magnetism. You cant see it and you cant smell it but I knew it was influencing everything. Fascinating stuff when you just started Art school.

Walking into the fuck-up
I was shocked, inspired, curious and about 19 years old. Tons of questions and luckily Art school gave me the change to invest a rather large amount of time into the matter. Art teachers love curiousity so they feeded me like a hungry pig.  I got completely lost in producing thoughts, stuff, art, objects. There where way to many pieces missing from my puzzle to see even a glimpse of the bigger picture. I was absolutely sure about reincarnation and the fact that what I experienced as reality was a manifested thing, a construct, something, everything but not all! I also was a weed smoking all over the place hormone bomb with an obsession for women, beauty and sex. No-bel price for my insights.

Thé Fuck-up of Spirituality
So by now my ‘spiritual’ quest for knowledge became/could be described as ‘recreational’. That’s what it became when I hit the next veil. "So there is more but it's so much my brain will never be able to understand and I don't have the patience to meditate yet". That was enough polarity to keep me dialed and occupied for more than 20 years. Imagine what would have happend if Desteni would have presented itself at that moment...

The greates shock I ever felt
So my really big questions started to accumulate but where completely surpressed. I remember the moment I came in contact with the Desteni material. I kind of got really intimidated, frightened and shocked. It was like this scene from 'Inception' where the whole world around you starts to collaps and fall apart and you are left with yourself as what you have created. I created a monster it was so clear to me. The more collapsed the more monster became vissible. It was my greatest night of horror ever.

The biggest present I ever got
It ‘ALL’ made sense. Mainly because I was missing all information regarding the inner workings of what I perceived as ‘reality’. Especially the part where Winged is speaking about the universe in Expression-flow versus polarity and more vibration. I can't find the specific videopassage but in essence it's about vibration that compounds and materializes. It’s like a fluid that changes viscosity. I knew about soundvibration. The higher the vibration the more get’s manifested. Because of this more space is needed so the universe expands to create space.

Creating gravity... 
More thoughts, more polarity, more manifestation, gravity, more chaos and inequality. But how does this work? I mean where becomes a thought a physical manifestation? Or is that thought all ready a physical manifestation? I was probably not allowed to see how this was constructed until I literally saw it happening in front of my eyes. It's me. It's the creation of me. It's all inside. I am the manifestation of all. I manifest so I create.

The genesis of invissability
Fluid behaving like matter the way matter behaves like a fluid, because it’s in a field! Create an invissible field and let it create creation and let creation try to define god which it can't because it is. - Genesis-Ge-ni-us - This was my eureka moment while reading the Desteni material. It was the confirmatiom/discovery my 'mind' as 'a man' as an ego needed. It was also the most depressing discovery ever because of the true ‘nature’ behind it all. Very shocking in every sence and minute that followed up to these words that I’m writing.

Insight to Faceplant
I just fell again and I’m in a ‘time loop’ where I’m mainly confronted with some very persistent points. Discipline-addictions-physical action-fear-guild-shame-ignorance-hiding and the list goes on and on. I read this Joe Kou post on the forum about his agreement. I found it to be very confronting. Maybe I felt jealous because he is doing what I should do. Push trough and bring it on immediately. It’s really fascinating to read that post for me because I had a physical reaction reading it. Very confronting seeing the same points addressed so clearly and knowing I myself am not there yet. I’m still fucking myself big time. In this observation I know I'm not self honest and at the same time I accept and allow for this 'state' to remain.

Thank you for sharing Joe. 

[manifested magnetism in ferrofluid]

Compromising my process in not sharing my blog

11 12 2010

Making a change

I’m self employed. This started part-time the moment I decided not to be in the advertising-marketing business full-time anymore. So I quit and started working 3 days a week. I trained people with a handicap through individual coaching within the govermental Reintegration Agreement (IRO). I developed and taught a practical training Grafimedia. This was my new start and a change to get away from the corporate world that I worked in fore more than 15 years. A change to work directly with people and help them without having to get the necessary papers to work as a teacher. I was very happy to get this change and I gave it my best. Unfortunately the company I worked for went bankrupt a year later. I either had to find a new part-time job or try to make an income solely out of my own commercial activities. This was not the plan because this choice would guarantee a timeloop back to the same point and reason I quit my career in the field of marketing and advertising in the first place. A world where everything is sealed behind ‘the supposed image’ or ‘the intended image’ including the behaviour that has to go with it. That behaviour being ‘commercial etiquette or theater’ whatever you want to call it.

Sorry I forgot my-self

The corporate world is the espresso coffee as the world at large. It’s the money system speaking to all of us and It’s absolutely not ashamed to do so. Fine, reality doesn’t change and I have to make a living of this platform. What the hell let’s get on with it. I stepped in and tried to fit in. The first wall I ran into was the way I had programmed myself professionally over the last 15 years. I always worked for agencies inside creative teams. These where mostly shielded (for obvious reasons) from the agencies clients. Agencies thrive on creativity but they make damn shure these creative ‘freaks’ don’t leave the pen and distort the polished image the client has of the agency and vice versa. 

Ready for enslavement
Because I spend most of my time behind the closed walls of the agencies, there was no direct contact or experience with clients. The network I was building was with people in the same ‘field’ and they where definitely not potential clients for the future. So the moment I decided to become self employed there was nobody waiting for me to enter ‘the market’. So I decided to only do creative work I liked and that the money would have to come from somewhere else. In this way I was able to say no to clients that where only looking for a mercenary to do ‘executions’. 

This worked. If there is a way to do it together, let’s do it. If not, my answer would be “no, find someone else”. I was surprised how much power a definite ‘no’ has. People don’t expect it. They go away but come back because in this ‘no’ was also their ‘truth’. The organisation I worked for and was depended on for paying my bills went bankrupt. I was entitled for financial compensation for the 3 days a week I worked there. I earned the right for approximately 2 years of compensation. So I decided to try and get my own company of the ground in this time given. 

Confrontation with my programming

So this worked for me until I had to fall back on my ‘commercial’ activities completely to make an income for myself. Now the money became more important than truth so I started to do what all salesmen do. I started to lie and bluff to get the jobs. I became a mirror that reflected back answers that where already in the questions of my so called clients. In my way I tried to play their game but I didn’t know the rules by wich the game was played. It was not part of my system. I’m not trained to be an effective salesperson. I was the creative studioguy. So I didn’t fit the corporate-consultant profile and people noticed. Again and again I was stereotyped as this nutcase, dreamer, talker etc. From a corporate standpoint this is fully understandable. A guy in a corporate suit should behave like one. I did not so I was not.

The illusion of 'having a partner'
One big project that ran 2008-2009 brought in a fair amount of money. I decided to invest. I was able to buy a decent enough car for  the first time. Bought a decent computer and a digital camera so I would be completely self supportive. But projects don’t fall from the sky and 2009 ended rather dramatically. Come 2010 I found myself in a deep crisis. The relationship I was in ended very unexpected and in a way that completely blew me of my feet. I really thought I was with the love of my life and although we had things to work on I somehow accepted them as part of ‘being in a relationship’. The sex was ‘out of this world’ and I never had been so intimate and shameless with another human being. Nothing prepared me for the way this relationship ended and I was shattered and very angry. On the other hand I realized this was the first time I started seeing relationships out of the usual context of ‘love and happiness’. I ‘felt’ secure in a relationship when in fact it was all illusion. I had fooled myself and was apparently not able to see what was really going on. So am I able to be objective in the first place? Big questions no answers.

Losing myself in relationship

I was completely locked up in this relationship pattern. All my relationships started from the same point of polarity and according to my programming led to the usual secret thoughts, time loops and complete fuckedupness. My last relationship felt like all relationships all over again. The interesting part being that this time no arguments fore the brake up where given. No evaluation, no contact, no reconciliation, nothing. This made me very angry and very sad. Who the fuck is this other person I thought I knew and could trust completely? I was shocked that things could play out like this between 'lovers' that gave each other a defenitive yes. I did not see it coming. Because of the anger I was able to create some kind of distance between me and my former relationships. Conclusion being that relationships are hiding places for those who avoid self responsibility. I knew because that was what I always did. Being more involved in ‘us’ and ‘the other’ than myself ‘in the matter'.

Beyond reasonable doubt
I started the ITD and sooner or later my blog has to be shared with the world. Now here is the ‘problem’. In the corporate world I try to present this picture of myself. I hope the impression my clients have of this ‘picture’ is good enough for them to mention my name if one of there ‘buddies’ or business partners need someone like me. This mouth to mouth thing is how it works in the corporate world. You don’t deal with one devil, you become part of a pack of devils. In order to be that ‘tip of the tongue guy’ that gets mentioned, the other devils must have enough confidence in my devilish skills to mention my name. Now one of my clients is going to land on my blog sooner or later. What happens? He’s not going to read it all. Some scanning is done. Drug use, addiction points, fetishes, insecurity, opinions. It’s all there for everybody to read which I think is ok. But this guy or girl is not going to want to have anything to do with the contents of my blog or me in relation to his business buddies. They will probably kick me out of the devils pack immediately. “This guy believes in equal money and want’s to advice us on marketing strategies? Are we nuts?”. Something like that. 

Stay or go
So on the one hand I want to share my process on the other hand I don’t want to loose the little space I claim in the corporate world because that is where my income comes from for now. Opening up my blog to the (corporate) world will probably be commercial suicide. J said “link to the equal money website from your website and leave it there for now”. On the other hand I would like to share myself with all. So a point I’m struggling with at the moment.

Hello I’m Mike

02 12 2010 
Introduction to the forum

I was born on November 21 in 1968. As a child I got pretty much fucked in the 70’s and 80’s and got totally lost in the 90’s. The world has always been a place I couldn’t crasp. I grew up in the east of Holland in a very liberal (katholic) dutch family structure. Everything was easy for me as a child and I could do what I wanted to do. Few rules where set for me. No worries just play. Discipline was for the military and they where not popular in the seventies. Later on this lack off discipline resulted in problems. SchooI, learning, social structures, work and money. I see discipline as a great virtue but I have very little of it. I went to art school when I was about 19 years old. That’s when I really started questioning the world around me but there was no internet and I was all over the place (dutch weed culture). I spent most of my time as a child in nature and the thing that intrigued me the most was this contrast between nature and men. Couldn’t understand this huge cap. Perfection and chaos on the same planet? Didn’t make sense to me. So I started investigating. Twenty years later after a ‘career’ (lol) in advertising lot’s of sadness, relationships, Sanskrit, yoga, purifications, secret doctrine and childbirth, I got stuck and crashed really, really hard. No answers. Vague concepts about the afterlife, enlightenment etc. But no certainty, not knowing and no logic (common sense). I had the worst depression ever and to be honest, it felt like dying. Happy didn’t exist and ‘I hated’ this world and everything in it. Now at this time I’m as lonely as I whas ever going to be so I decided to get a Facebook page and I meet this old friend online. She decides to pay me a visit and after talking (a lot) I here the word “Desteni” for the first time. So I start reading and one by one all the questions that where never answered got an answer that same evening. I was shocked. It all made sense but was NOT what I expected. I’m sure there is more of you that where as shocked as I am. But... There is no way back. Back doesn’t exist. What remains is the definition of me in this world. That definition is fear.

I feel fear. I feel it a lot. It’s with me everyday. Sometimes I ignore it. Sometimes I laugh about it. But the most scary thing I do is to deny, hide or run from it. People that know me may find this very strange. They think because I always was a thrill seeker that took risks, I somehow have no problem with fear. Well here is the trick. The fears I look up are not really fears. Be it in BMX or in the mountains or whatever, they are challenges. Little battles with myself that I want to win. The fears that haunt me are the ones I disguise. I don’t confront myself with them and I don’t dissolve them and I don’t share them out of shame and ego. A big mindfuck. My fears, define me. I don’t talk about them because they are ever present and they always trigger a flight response. These fears are around every corner. I could be making coffee and this single thought or image instantly triggers a physical reaction. I kind of cramp up. It’s like being attacked with static energy. I can feel it in my stomach. A thought that defined some kind of fear and immediately the fear is manifested. Creating fear is simple, just think about it.

What is my biggest fear? Money. The illusion off money. The way it has determined my whole life and me accepting and allowing this to happen. From the first job to the last relationship. Money has determined the way I programmed myself. The end of the month steadily grew into my biggest fear. Got to have money! Everybody knows. This macho thrill seeker finds himself confronted with the fact he is not the big personality he thinks he is. Has to play a game way out off his comfort zone. A game of hide and seek in a corporate world where nothing = equal and everything is based on eliminating threat. I’m just there to collect the money on my part. I can only do this if I play the game according to the rules. This depresses me. It makes me hate the things I do so I’m actually hating myself. And off coarse it has to be fun. All that seriousness, it has to be fun right? Work and life has to be fun? That’s hammered into me since I can remember.

Who said that work had to be fun? I work because of the bills and the bills frighten me. So there you have it, fear and frustration. Isn’t that a nice state of mind. It makes you want to crawl in a corner and die. It made me blind and it lamed me. I want to avoid fear and frustration. It’s depressing and you don’t see great groups off people hanging around a depressed person (unless they get paid to do so). So to the outside world I try or have to present or act out this character that isn’t me and is a fake. This off coarse triggers even more frustration, aggression and depression because I’m never self honest.

So here I am. I failed. No big bungalow, no career in advertising, the bank owns the house and on paper it’s mine, genius. If the current money system rules the world does money rule me? Yes it does. Not only does it rule me, it determined everything I was and have become. I speak the language of the world, I live and speak the language of money and fear.

I used to love work. Doing stuff, learning stuff, seeing stuff. I don’t have that anymore. There is no urge to be ‘successful’. Since I started writing my fears have intensified. Looking back is shocking looking into the future frightens me even more. So it’s here and now. Stopping in every moment realising that there is another moment after another etc. The list doesn’t seem to end. This goes up to a point where It’s too much, too depressing, can’t do it and eventually ‘I’ give up. So I give up. If I’m incapable I’m not accountable. So maybe god can forgive me or some guru can take on my ‘karma’ I don’t want the responsibility. There it is, my biggest confrontation with fear is being confronted with what I have accepted and allowed to become me and not wanting to deal with my own responsibility for it.

Now in order to resolve me, I will have to address every single point that created this entity. But the sheer size of this project is so intimidating. I mean, I can hardly get my head around it. It scares me! So there is my loop from fear to fear. This loop will sustain itself until I’m able to break the spin. This is my first step of that process.

Thanks,

Mike

The big illusion of love.

24 11 2010
“It’s like someone is camping in your head”

J was right. “I will fall”. And I fell. There was no escaping it. Had to face it all. And it all had to come back. Point after point. I see an image of a woman, turns into s*x. Then my mind starts to amplify things even adding more images to the orgy. Same with weed. It’s like looking at my myself as the dumbest f*ck I’ve ever seen. And this is where I judge myself very heavily. Everything gets judged and I lock myself up. So there it is. Women, relationships, s*x, fetish, masturbation and addiction. A single picture is enough to reset the whole thing. Back to zero. I can say I was able to surpress my addictions for a certain amount of time, Hura. Being selfhonest about and transforming them is a different story. I came nowhere near confronting myself as self in this matter. Didn’t write so it was all in the head, big mindfuck. Got sick and scared of myself. This urge to be with someone. To escape into this nightmare of love and cosiness.

It feels like I’m being watched. And that would be me watching at the same time. Mister knowitall judging away at himself. Completely lost, empty and scared. Looking at what I have become. A dreamy human being especially in my actions. And this brings so much shame and guild. I know I have a choice but I also know that this choice has to be made over and over again. Into infinity untill I stand. The thoughts I have about this continuous confrontation with myself often triggers a flight-attack and that is where my addiction points and myself meet. That is where mister knowitall has to become mister doitall. J is right I’m slow very slow. I’m really scared because of what is happening to me right now. Never felt so alone and lost at the same time. No structure, no motivation and a lot of self judgement. I must accept that I’m not this hyper talking boy, I’m just as scared as the rest of us. When it comes to selfhonesty? I wouldn’t know where to start. I’m a human robot with an extremely fucked up operating system. At least I'm sure of that.

Illusion

So I must forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get addicted to pictures in this world
that I have accepted and allowed myself to Identify and program myself according to these pictures
that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own pictures in the physical.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the pictures more important than reality.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my-self-abuse
that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaim myself for being a coward in facing myself as self
that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lack of discipline.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop being really intimate with myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop being honest
that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up story’s to present a better ‘picture’ of myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie out of shame
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear for the shame-system-demon-whatever.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to remove my s*xuality from the physical to the mental.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to become something I want to shake of as soon as possible.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep judging and to have judgement all the time.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath although that would have been the best thing to do
that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the urge of sharing these dark thoughts because of fear of being judged.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into this request of the ego to present ‘the perfect picture’.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep abusing myself and stopping the process of helping myself.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to drinking alcohol with a friend because that’s the routine.
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act in the moment of being confronted with ‘stopping’ (points).
that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a situation where I have to start all-over again.


 All for now.

#iduaal #ideal #idoall

15 11 2010
Falling hard

I’m depressed. Lying in bed with a shitload of work to do. My body gave up on me yesterday. Everything hurts and I,m barely able to get out of bed. No fever just pain and a terrible headache. The last month I had a lot off work to do and in came some money. I thought I had my priorities straight and I was reasonably disciplined in my actions. I stopped writing because I thought I was too busy with my business responsibilities. Reading the material and at the same time working in the corporate world was an utterly schizophrenic situation. I got kind of lost, no anchors. Being in a car for an hour driving up to a client. Trying to breath trough it all. Not being able to stabilize myself and taking this state with me in my work was frightening. I got very insecure about my overall ability to deal with myself.

I find balancing the destini material and my ‘daily life’ hard as hell. Reality doesn’t change but it sure hit’s hard sometimes. I’m not standing equal, I’m not applying self forgiveness, didn’t write wen it was necessary. This accumulated into the present state I’m in I think. A lot of information got stored which I did not act upon. I’ve been smoking weed on a daily bases for more than twenty years. After reading the Desteni article about weed addiction. I quit three months ago. Fantastic. Hardly no problems or graving. But I still had four weedplants in the garden. I decided not to remove them because of the money they would bring in (money is a big issue for me). In holland it’s allowed to grow up to five plants for personal use. How wrong is this? Very wrong and definitively not best for all. So the moment came to harvest this shit and there I was cutting away in a blaze of THC gas. After I finished the first batch I cleaned my scissor of the accumulated oil and there I was holding this tiny ball of first grade exclusive hashoil. I didn’t even think about it. It was rolled into a paper and I smoked it.

The moment I have to stop is the moment I decide to go against the decision I made with myself. But I didn’t so I’m back to square one. Not only the weed came back full force. All addictions points started ranting again.

Former ‘relationships’, sex, women, friendships, children, work, working, being self supportive, self trust, motivation etc. A mindsoup and a massive depression in which I was doing everything the way I always did. At the same time I was extremely disappointed with myself. So ashamed I couldn’t honestly share what was happening and what I was doing. Human-being-no control. It’s just fucking hard for me at the moment. I’m not sad. I don’t feel like crying. I’m not mad or angry. I can’t describe the state I’m in. It hurts that’s for shure. It actually feels like torture. Self torture off coarse.

I’ve been looking for deeper meaning to this earthly existence for a very long time. Investigated yoga systems, read the books. I think it was the Secret doctrine by Helena Blavatsky that scared the crap out of me. It made kind of sense. But it didn’t convcince. It stayed in the abstract. I kind of gave up. Some mysteries simply remain. Desteni hit me like a hammer. After all I did, all I read, it simply made sense. It filled all the caps I had. But it wasn’t what I expected.

I’m struggling like I’ve never struggled before. I know how simple it is. Either I’ll make it or I won’t. And immediately my ego starts to intervene. Yo cannot give up. Got to win this. Get you re act together etc. It’s fear. It’s always fear.

I’m scared of not making it.