Day-023-E-value ate the money

I was looking at some of my experiences over the past week. A week that was filled with ridiculous deadlines, stress, irritation, tiredness, confusion, suppression and lunacy. All because the money has to flow to a specific point more than to another. Its kind of mathematical and I'm not talking about the whole planet although exactly the same thing is happening on a macroeconomic scale and because I am a participant I'm confronted with the 'value for money discussion' on a minute to minute bases.

I make money so I'm a cost point. One of many that causes stress. That's what money does and it's measured in space and time. I'm confronted with this principle within almost every decision I make during my day, in fact all people are. Even the ones that have no money are part of the 'deal'.

So like the ones before me I accept the shite as part of the package and although it has always bugged the fucking hell out of me I was somehow able to suppress the anger and frustration with lot's of distraction in the form of so called free time and entertainment. That pattern however is kind of changing as my Facebook page illustrates.

The past always visits me as I find myself in doubt during my projects. This week I got a vivid perspective of myself within and as the patterns I exist as 'personally and professionally'. I had a few volcanic moments and at one point. I snapped and allowed myself to become completely possessed by anger and frustration. It was not a pleasant experience. It disgusts me to find myself in that total possession and looking back I can see that trying to avoid the experience is one of the reasons I have lost or quit jobs in the past.

This week like so many before felt like being submerged in energy and I couldn't earth myself to remove the static. It's like I see myself go I know what will follow but I'm unable to change direction. It's almost like an addiction. No, it is an addiction it's a pattern *flag point. It's knowing only one way and being to scared to even think of another that's it. Today as I finally take this moment for myself to put one and two in perspective where I'm cleaning up my house, doing the laundry, walking the dog and I become aware of my body as this collection of tension is when I realize I'm actually the sum of my the parts that make up the equation.

This is my fucking value for money!

It would be extremely funny if it wasn't killing us. All this tension because we have bills to pay. Slowly cannibalizing myself as the days pas by. And it hit me today that it makes sense. What Value? From every purchase or every sum of money spent. Value for money is based not only on the minimum purchase price but also on the maximum efficiency and effectiveness of the purchase. The interesting question however should be, what is our 'valuepoint' of reference regarding value that is permanently changing according to our own preprogrammed behavior? In other words my unstoppable appetite to have more than others. I am part of the fucking feedback loop. I'm feeding the monster by my own participation. Ah it's genius we all faced the same question. Stand or deliver? We all deliver and fall collectively for the highest bidder which is our own mind.

There is no value and that's why it is what it is. Even if my life would be that of luxury and splendor there would be no value because value is created in the mind and that can't be done without creating debt. From my perceptive it explains the way I experience myself within my work. I do not dare to say professional career because what is a professional standard? It is part of the same value system that is part of the money system and if you have the whole of humanity including myself trying to buy more for less this is what you get. Over time no value was created we only created debt so I have no value only debt and it's so huge I can only pretend it does not exist and deny its existence because facing my responsibility within it is just to big and to shameful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by energy because I did not give myself clarity within the chaos surrounding my professional activities over the past week.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic instead of getting a clear perspective on the impossibilities of the work that had to be done within the given amount of time and take self responsibility within communicating these points clearly and effectively with all people involved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not place myself within strict boundaries regarding my priorities and to be realistic about what can be done and not be done and communicate that, taking into consideration that the reaction I get might not be a pleasant one seeing realizing that placing boundaries will always cause someone somewhere to hit the fence within that I see realize and understand that I'm not responsible for the way people deal with their emotions and that it's not my responsibility to have all the answers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that one of my tasks is to alway be clear within my communication because without clear communication on my part there can only be assumptions that become projections regarding me and the status of my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my work loose my professional stance



http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-022-About the money

This is a follow up on:
Day-021-I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done!!!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate everything in my reality to money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unstable because I fear loosing money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let money determine my behavior, persona and base all my actions on money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to my jobs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to my company

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my assumptions about money on my reality thus creating my financial reality not knowing for a fact if what I see is what is in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect myself to money and identify myself with money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the money point always think about myself first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my position, my stand out of fear of loosing money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect money to pressure and stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to get used to this reality, accept it, merge with it, surrender to it, don't ask questions about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within getting used to money I did not see money for what it is and created a pattern and addiction to money and thus did not allow myself to become comfortable with money as 'normal' part of my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become bitter and judgmental towards money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the responsibilities that come with making my own money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to see or accept the point that within every given situation it's me who makes the decision to participate within reality or not and within that I forgive myself for not moving myself out of fear of loosing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that the mind will never surrender thus if I want to change I can not allow myself to stop until it's done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear success as in creating a financial platform of stability from which I'm able to gather information and asses my options regarding my commercial activities as work and thus money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow down when the professional situation asked for it and within that sabotage myself within not creating a clear picture for myself as tasks of what to do and when to do them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not educate and train myself within the point of being realistic and allow myself to say 'no' in order to create clear starting points for myself and be professional within the way I communicate and go about my work

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to gather more information when I see I'm not having enough information in order to get my jobs done professionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not clearly and specifically communicate with other persons in relation to the information I need to do a professional Job

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take out the guesswork by preparing my projects in such a way that it creates clarity about what steps to take and within this create the opportunity of choosing to abort or go ahead and in either case reduce friction between me and my clients

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to educate myself within the point of dealing with friction within relationships realizing that it starts with me and that I have a choice to be part of the problem or part of the solution and that I have not allowed myself to become effective within this point within turbulent situations thus creating friction and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think friction is a fact of life not seeing realizing that it's me who is responsible for creating friction by my own participation within and as my projections, judgment, thoughts, emotions and feelings and within that I realize I have never learned to identify these patterns and give myself a window of opportunity instead kept bouncing back within this point within my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict seeing and realizing that by fearing conflict I'm in fact creating it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict seeing and realizing that what I fear will materialize because that's what fear does

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resonate that I'm not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear friction

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to identify my fears by making my daily writing a daily application realizing I can only give myself clarity by taking the time to sit with myself and write myself out instead of thinking about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become scattered within my professional communication because I don't allow myself to gather enough information because I allow myself to rush things and thus risk creating failure out of fear of failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become easily distracted within and as the mind when other people share information in my presence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loose myself within the polarity of work instead of creating clarity by identifying the working components as the specific building blocks of a particular project seeing realizing that this is how every project is to be completed doing things step by step in the necessary order

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can only create form if I'm clear about function so in order to let form follow function I have to create clarity and perspective on functionality first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow myself down enough before I start participating and or interacting within relationships and within that not realizing i'm creating my own stress and anxiety by not making myself responsible for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create friction within the point of creating to many loose ends within my projects thus loosing oversight and are thus responsible for creating my own chaos.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that professionally means to always take the human (system) component in consideration meaning that refusing a project because of unrealistic deadlines is also part of my profession.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself total control over my own involvement within my work.


http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-021-I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done!!!

This is a follow up to:
Day-020-Fear of success

Opening up the point of self sabotage further. I want too have a look at a situation at work involving the way I work. How I experienced myself within the outflow and the work itself. To start of I realize that my work is the 'money point' and everything in my reality is related to that point.

I only have to look at myself and the people around me to see what happens if this point becomes unstable. Everything as in my whole persona', my whole being becomes unstable because I fear to have no money. I don’t hear people about it but I see it all around. My money determines my life my world, my universe because my world evolves around me. It's my job, my company, my family, my responsibility, it's my projections unto my reality and it is my reality. My money or lack of it creates my reality.

I can pretend that it’s not the case but when the shit hit's the fan I think about myself and the money before something else first. It’s like a reflex and sometimes it’s not even concious. Within my reality I'm always arguing for my limitations because I fear loosing my position, my stand. And from where I am standing the point becomes most prominent within work and my working environment. There is always the pressure of doing things as efficient as possible because time = money and somewhere there is this primal fear that there is someone who can do it faster than me. It's called the rat race and yes I'm a rat too.

Within the current money system there will be friction surrounding this point. Money itself lubricates, the getting it creates friction and this is where I find myself within my daily reality where I have to get used to IT. Used to this reality? Accept it? Merge with it? Surrender to it? Don't ask questions about it? All this time all my life not realizing that within getting used to it I was creating friction within my relationship with money instead of the other way around.

Money lubricates the system thus it lubricates everything. No money no movement. Looking at it from the slot I have created for myself over time makes this point my 'bitter pil'. Reality is hard to swallow because it's unacceptable and I ‘know’ it. I educated and developed myself within the money point as bitter and judgmental and from these observations come the insights of what is required and I fear the responsibilities that come with getting myself here.

If I where a bit more ‘stupid’ or blind I would not have seen it and probably take the whole thing for granted and get used to it no questions asked. Yes the same old: "That's what it is children, better get used to it". I never wanted to see or accept the new perspective that within every given situation it's me who makes the decision to participate or not. That it’s all about my acceptance and allowances. I so much want to blame someone or something fore the fuckup seeing and realizing that blame is just another part of the puzzle and that I’m a part as well.

I'm shit scared to take full responsibility for that point. My judgment and assumptions make sure the 'I am not good enough' character is kept in the play never giving myself the experience of going all the way and succeeding by doing what is nessecary. What I'm starting to see is that the mind will never surrender so I have no other option than to never give up. So eventually It boils down to seeing myself as the mind that refuses to give up. Slow down-stop-give it up-loose it all.

LOOSE! WTF! NO!

Haha. So back-to-the-chat to work where I found myself again in a situation where I had to say 'no' and I didn't. I was asked if a certain job could be done in a certain amount of time. In itself a simple question. I was lacking information and I allowed myself (as so often) to not follow the elementary procedure. I thought I could avoid friction not seeing realizing that I was only postponing a point thus creating it. I can safely say I'm identifying and mapping a prominent construct within me here. In order to get things done I need all the information. From that point I can  investigate and make calculations which take out the guesswork and allows me to make a todo list and get clarity on the steps to take. It reduces the risk of having to abort a mission which is always more costly than not starting one.

SO within this I see myself having to answer the question of starting a mission or skipping it and answering the ‘bloody’ question 'why?'. Also not seeing realizing the point that giving myself the answer will not, is not to avoid friction but will reduce it. There will always be resistance. The question is how I am going to deal with it as in DEAL! with it. I see the point I created within myself over time.

As so many I fear conflict. I avoid it and I realize that by doing so I create it. I fear friction as conflict as having to stand my ground and within that allowing myself to think I'm not 'good' enough. And so I find myself struggling to stand my ground. Here I enter the point of self sabotage fucking up before I even start simply because I do not give myself clarity and allow myself to identify and step over my fears. And then I find myself juggling with the polarity of two components.


1. If I start the mission I create friction within the point of too many loose ends and I will create chaos.
2. Aborting the mission will create friction within the point of not solving a clients 'problem' thus create friction with a client.


(Fear component being that in both cases I will loose).

Within the whole construct is the component of me having to make a decision and loose or not giving myself control over my own involvement within the process. Meaning = to stop thinking and take action step by step.

I realize and see that I cannot avoid conflict when I'm the one creating it and thus become the participant and thus allow conflict to exist in this world instead of stopping it through taking self responsibility within this point within each breath. I realize I can do my part by redefining my approach to work and look at my definition of professionalism and not connect work to fear and as a consequence allow myself too loose grip on myself and my actions thus becoming unprofessional.

Why do I always start to justify myself for the ‘quality’ of my work within my work environment and why is it so automated? The reactions I sometimes get from so called bosses says it all. "I don't need your opinion I need you to get my shit done…." Eventually It's looking into the mirror of me, me, me.

Interesting within my work I need to think and reflect and come up with concepts that create polarities and opinions and perspectives and the moment they have to be transformed into money it must go through the process of friction. There seems to be no way around it. So Looking at it from that perspective it kind of comes down to my situational awareness. Am I aware of the situation. Can I identify all relevant aspects within and take them and myself into consideration within my decision making process.

apparently  the professional is not allowing himself to be one...

More to come

Day-020-Fear of success

This is a follow up to:
Day-018-Save me and then leave me alone

Yesterday I wrote amongst other things about an observation regarding self sabotage and that i'm actually addicted to sabotaging myself. What does that addiction look like and how does it manifest? What I see is that I feel safe as the victim that is dependent on others. This is creating a winning character as competitiveness where I present myself to others as the positive polarity of the 'winner-looser construct' because I don't want to be seen as a victim by others.

Within this i'm becoming aware of this construct where I refuse to see and accept that I'm of mind and as the the mind I am programmed to run the program. A program that does NOT want to change. Manifesting myself as more special than others and thus able to change as the mind.

I see and realize that this in impossible because the mind is who I am at any given moment. Within this construct I can only keep falling and have looped repeatedly always coming to the exact same point where I have to simply start applying myself. Meaning get to know myself and how I ended up in these versions of myself. Not transcending this point means 'progress' will grind to a halt.

I see that when the moment comes to apply myself it get's tricky. It's like I cannot help myself. What I see is that this is the point where I as the mind meet the physical. It's at this point where I meet all I have created. This is where I become unstable and allow myself to fall instead of stand. In al cases it's the same point. When I have to sit with myself and write I will accept my own excuses and do something else instead. Within that I fuck with myself extensively by doing things that are 'non recreational'. I then find myself cleaning something or repairing something. The excuse being that this has to be done first. It's willingly fucking myself by bending my priorities instead of getting them straight.

Mostly I find myself doing physical stuff in order to escape the 'painful' confrontation with who I am and have become in that given moment of self sabotage. The resistance is huge because I allow myself to fear the shear extend of my own fuckup and thus allow myself as the 'giving up character' to take over. I see where it comes from and that it has to do with family structures and that I never learned to stand on my own two feet in this point. Within this construct I was always 'taken care of'. Growing up I never had to worry about taking responsibility and eventually that's what I accepted and allowed to become = 'irresponsible'.

Walking part of my process with someone who offered support and did not have this background allowed me to see and experience other perspectives and ways of looking at myself. However the painful process of exposing myself and sharing myself as that point with another person meant walking into relationship points as well. It did not make it easier but it did speed up the process of getting to the raw experience of myself within these points of sabotaging myself.

It also allowed me to see that although suppressed I was and still am hugely intimidated by successful people. Meaning people with the capability to transcend the point of what I would call or more appropriate judge as defeat. I see and observe within me that overtime everything has become a contest. Which in itself is not strange because I had to adapt to this reality which is in all ways 'a contest'. I have seen that point very early but instead of becoming a good player familiar with the game I allowed myself to swim against the current. I started to judge success and react towards the system instead of working with it as a tool. Within this I'm a product of my education I see that and that that is not the point. The point is taking self responsibility within seeing what is necessary to change myself and then not doing so which is 'self-sabotage' and (not) acting out of fear.

Here is fear of change. Fear of a future unknown. Remaining on that small ledge of knowledge and information instead of climbing and see where that will take me. I can see what I do, it's the not doing where I fuck up. I must credit myself for at least picking myself up and start moving again two years ago. Now the point is reached where there is nothing left but to walk process as what is required to do. I see that. I have no excuses left. I have heard them all. I tried it all. And still I allow myself to sabotage myself.

I identify this pattern as self sabotage. I see it throughout my life I have adapted this pattern of never wanting to take full responsibility or go all the way professionally thus never be in full control of a given situation and within that the risk of 'loosing it all'. Thus (voluntarily) always am and expect myself to be 'second best'. I place myself as the looser before trying to find out what it is like to win.

It's that point where I never allowed myself to walk 'real' success all the way thus ending up in the polarity point which is failure. Put simply, I created the construct of 'too scared to even try so fuck up and pretend the failure is not my fault'. On top of that let somebody else clean up the mess for me'. The 'most painful point being that I'm aware of myself doing it. That's the 'shame' point. That shame is BIG.

I'm the giver of this word sabotage and within this I accept and allow myself to create 'failure' because I don't allow myself to create success by taking responsibility for all of me thus I allow myself to exist within the polarity of irresponsibility out of fear of the future thus creating frustration, shame, guilt.

Those are the primary emotions I experience within this construct. I feel save as the main characters, the irresponsible clown, punk, underdog, anarchist, rebel because that is still me. Everything else is unknown territory, the unknown. Don't wanna go there. Rather find excuses why I never did instead of failing while trying. I'm a looser baby hahaha-boehoo-hooo.


http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-019-Save me and then leave me alone

Another month has expired. A period where I had to face myself as resistance. Being with myself and experiencing myself as a little child that does not wan't to move what-so-ever. I needed a kick in the ass. Or maybe a freight train. Anyway I want to thank a certain someone for the booty.

What is the main point here? What is it i'm looking at? First off I do not sit with myself and take the time to really look at what is going on in my life from the perspective of cause and effect. How do I experience myself after a days work? Who am I within the nitty gritty of my behavior at the end of a day? What where those mood swings about today? Why is it so hard to come to that point where I sit with myself and look at the reactions, emotions, feelings I had during a day?

Let's face it who voluntarily does shit like that after a hard days work? Only those freaks at Desteni. Am I one of them? I just want to crash like I always did. The way I programmed myself during the last twenty or so years working 09.00-19.00. After that It's my fucking time now leave me the fuck alone (yes i'm talking to myself here). All I want to do if I have done as little as possible is go home and relax. Take my mind of the daily which is this fucked up reality. SO here I look at my basic program I developed over the past twenty or so years. Ending up on the couch smoking pot.

Stopping cigarettes and weed gave me perspective on what it means to become a habit instead of looking at one. I'm looking at habits that are part of personalities that I have designed over time within and as the mind. All accepted and allowed by me the director to be part of who I am.

It's quite a 'little' fuckup i'm looking at and it is up to me to take responsibility for cleaning out my closet. I see that no one will do it for me. I have been depressed enough to see that that is a mechanism within me. I have used it as a child to manipulate and get things my way. It is part of my persona. I have used it within my relationships and I'm still using it. Fuck it up as the easy way so I don't have to do it the hard way and go through that point of resistance to succeed.

At one given time we have all pretended to be sick in order to stay in bed that extra day in order to stay out of school. It's interesting to look at being self employed from that perspective because when I don't move myself everything stops because the money will stop. I'm completely self responsible for what I do in that area. It's all my creation and there's no one to blame but me (I hate that lol).

Within this I see myself and often a break or a pause will immediately trigger guilt. As If I have to be doing something al the time. Subsequently I see myself struggle with pushing myself within these moments where I have to take time to sit with myself and write myself out to get perspective and clarity.

I can see the bullshit because in the end I'm looking for distractions away from facing myself within who I am within this moment within reality because that is me within my physical actions (and that is not a pretty picture). I see myself come home doing all sorts of things (that also have to be done) but sitting with myself and writing out my day is always last on my list which makes it a low priority.

I experience a huge resistance toward taking myself seriously. To look at who I really am within my own experience as I walk myself through daily life. Observing myself and my actions and putting that shit down in front of me. It has the same feel as dragging myself to school as a kid. OK the resistance is huge let me leave it there.

I will myself to take this point by the balls. If I want to change this than that can only come from doing so. Moving important things to the bottom of my list means I make them unimportant and so I find myself doing them late in the evening and that simply does not work. The whole mechanism is one of 'self sabotage'. OK. There it is.

So if the resistance is huge than I must have a lot to hide from myself. Another reason for me to avoid the investigation. The point that came up this week and I saw it very clearly is that I'm utterly and completely addicted to sabotaging myself. I'm refusing to accept that I'm of mind and the mind is a program that does NOT want to change. I can only influence this process through deprogramming which is physical action as writing so here I am trying to restart my process.

Interesting word  'Influence' (influenza) = insert a virus = genetically alter myself lol

Within my process = daily life I take myself way to serious and I take everything personal as the mind and that will trigger personalities that have relationships with others and it will influence the way others perceive 'me' and my interactions. Most of the time I cannot see this while I'm participating within those relationships because my reactions are so automated. I will myself to breath and observe myself. It's when I have to process a lot of information simultaneously that I often find myself in the middle of a possession unable to stop participating as a certain character. And that's why I have to write this shit out. Writing that shit out means becoming intimate with myself which brings me full circle. It can only be that point. I fear self intimacy. I fear that point. I avoid that point.

More to come