Getting rich quick...

I’m getting to much money
Yesterday I was confronted with the fact that a customer paid me to much money over the course of 2010-2011. It was a large amount of money. Because this took place over a two year period I somehow didn’t notice. I had an immediate emotional response to it. It was like an electric discharge in my stomach. It was fear. I took a deep breath and applied self forgiveness immediately. However while I was investigating the payments made over the last two years and seeing the consequences on my financial situation, I became very unstable. I had a lot of trouble remaining here and to keep breathing. Panic related to money. Fear of money. The moneypoint. Reality as it is. This brings me to my daughter. My ex is going to move and my role as a father is going to be reduced and removed to the background almost completely. There is not much I can do and I see it’s pointless to object towards this point. ‘life” goes on’. I’m the father of a child so this situation is self created. Nevertheless I had a very strong emotional response to this event and a lot of points opened up.

No kidding
I like to be around children more than crown ups. It’s been like that for all my life. But in all the relationships I had I always avoided the point of having children. Looking back in self honesty it had to do with ‘responsibility’. It had to do with ‘money’. I managed to get around in ‘life’ when it came to money but I never felt ‘confident’ in this point. As I have stated before when I introduced myself on the Desteni forum. What’s my biggest fear? It’s money. So when the point of having children was discussed in relationships I always associated it with ‘financial responsibility’. That’s not unrealistic because having a child means taking responsibility. It’s a commitment for ‘life’. I brought this point up several times in relationships and as result the relationships always ended soon after. My ex partners never considered money a valid argument for not having children which is proof to me that having children is a preprogrammed thing. My arguments where often dismissed completely which blew my mind. Knowing I would get these results when I brought them up, I started to avoid this subject every time it came up. I was never self honest when it came to this point so there was a huge amount of backchat towards my partners. Hence the baby that came... What does this imply within the system? I refused to have children because I was to afraid to take responsibility for the moneypoint. I don’t ‘trust’ myself within this point. And so a whole pattern opens up. I don’t want to be the provider of money. I’m refusing to take on the role of the ‘man’ of the house. The god of life and death. The giver and taker. The reason for this has nothing to do with being noble or ethical. It’s simply fear.

Backtracking
Ok, the pattern as I see it at the moment starts with my family. My basic program and in this case my ‘father figure’. My father was always there as ‘the provider’. He provided the money, entertainment for me my brother and my ‘friends’. He also had ‘issues’ for a period of time. In that period I was about six years old. So there must have been a lot of suppression and friction between him and my mother. His struggle became my struggle. ‘The sins of the fathers’. Another point is that our family DNA, the bloodline is ‘disrupted’. One part of my family was ‘poor’. The disrupted part comes from a very rich industrial patriarch. Must be on my DNA as well. This also makes sense from a parental perspective. My father raised me with a mix of 60’s, sharing, peace, love, Marxist, social reform, utopian concepts. Coming from a suppressed catholic postwar 50’s environment this must have been hugely conflicting for him. To the outside it was always love and peace. So what was on the inside? I’m starting to see that more clearly after his recent heart attack. If confronted with his own suppression he immediately responds in defence and aggressively?

Now looking at myself and how it relates back to my definition of our family construct. I rebelled against my father’s views immensely. I remember an evening where I hysterically said to my parents “you are nothing more then my biological procreators”. They where off course shocked to the bone and I created another pattern of guild to deal with. Looking at it from the present perspective I saw it exactly as it is. Matrix wise there is nothing wrong with the way I was parented though. My parents never physically abused me and I was raised according to the time frame. The way I grew up matched the 60’s-70’s matrix like a glove. Express yourself, peace, love and freedom. I belong to generation X. The children without a clue. Fuck you very much lol.

Getting slapped
As an adolescent I was convinced that my parents didn’t understand a rats ass about the workings of the world. Especially when it came to money. How could they ignore the thing that in my eyes ruled everything in this world. I saw that without money there was no room to move in this world. So I thought that having money would mean freedom. I made a naive decision to get rich. I remember making a contract with my best friend that was signed in blood by the both of us. It stated that if we weren’t rich at the age of twenty five or so, we would rob a bank or do anything to get rich so we would never have to work again. I have seen it all as a child. How did I cope with this? How can a child cope with this shit? It can’t. I remember seeing the movie ‘the wall’ by Pink Floyd. I was around seventeen. It changed everything. It opened my eyes to the workings of this world and the influence family has. It was a shocking experience because I met reality for the first time as a physical experience of myself and how I had defined myself in this world. I couldn’t deal with it. It was the truth and I faced it. So round about that time the white light must have intervened lol.

Going in
I started looking for answers, solutions. It can’t be that ‘dark can it?’. So the ‘light versus dark’ polarity introduced itself. I started reading Hesse. Studied Prabupada’s version of the Gita, vedic scriptures and occult history. I started to believe in God and Karma. I embraced the world as it was and I tried to accept it as it was. So I got a job and I worked. Started a company with my best friend and we went bankrupt. I worked and worked. But something was not ‘right’. It just didn’t ad up. I kept seeing these glitches in the matrix but they where subliminal. I had relationships and they broke up. And in those times of depression I always studied the mystery and wisdom ‘religions’. I did Yoga, studied Chakra psychology with Shyam Bhatnagar, did purifications. I studied the teachings of Yogananda, Kriya Yoga, Babaji, Edgar Cayce, Quantum mechanics, Bohr, Sheldrake, Hawking and last but not least the Theosophical teachings of Helena Blavatsky’s ‘Secret Doctrine’. That one was an eye opener because it stated that in order to understand you should read it as a dream. So I did and I did it several times. And then I got into a relationship with a ‘free’ evangelical Christian’? We had sex and because we didn’t use birth control she became pregnant.

“To the unmarried and to the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do”. 
(1 Corinthians 7:8)

So me and how I defined myself in this world got exactly to the preprogrammed point before I found out how the shit actually worked in this world. Fucked myself in polarity with money, accepted and allowed myself to bring a baby into the system. Scared shitless for the responsibilty as a father, a man, head of the house and provider of money. It was done, I was done. This was around 2003. Just had a burn out, I was going to lose my job, had to sell my houseboat, find a new house that was big enough for 3 persons. I was in a relationship without a future. At that point in ‘life’ (hell) I completely gave up on myself and I went into complete denial, suppression, depression whatever. I was a goner.

If I would have been self honest at that time I would have seen that these two believe systems could never sustain a relationship. It would never work because the starting point was not equal, not compatible and thus impossible. The child was born and our relationship ended. And what did I do after relationships fell? White light religious bullshit! O yeah. In deep depression full of self pity I start reading the Secret Doctrine again looking for fucking answers. I was desperate for answers and determined to find them. So for a period of about 3 months I was reading and studying every day till my brain was fried. The Doctrine has a strong connection with Kriya Yoga so I finally gave in and found the Hamsa’s that followed Kriya Yoga master Gurunath. Love and peace again. Seeking guidance outside myself.

Conclusion
The full denial of self responsibility and what I have manifested in this world. My world, our world. I was seriously considering leaving everything behind. Fuck everything and everyone in the name of our dear lord = money. I completely gave up on myself and became completely robotic.

This was the ‘deep’ point I had to reach to find out what it means to be a ‘human’ being. To ‘be’ in this world. What this world implies and especially what the consequences are for our children and the children not yet born. I honestly don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t found Desteni.

Nobody goes to hell we-are-all ready in hell. And who creates this hell? Who is god? Who is the creator? Who is the creature(s) that create? We are. I am So in order to bring change we change. I change. I stop. I breath. I forgive myself for I am the only one who can. I birth myself from the physical as life, one and equal with life. Heaven on earth. Whatever it takes I will myself to get it done. Fuck all prayers.

My business will resolve itself...

Het loopt wel los

Today I was on the phone having a conversation. Somewhere down the line I said “this thing will resolve itself” (het loopt wel los). In holland this phrase is used often when something or a subject doesn’t get addressed and or is avoided. It’s mostly spoken in a soothing manner as if the problem isn’t there.

The English translation is not as specific as the phrase we use in Holland. It literally means:

‘It will run loose’. This implicates that there is going to be a  problem. Let’s just wait and see what happens. So actually it’s like the fireman that says “let it burn”. So I’m looking at this phrase and the way I used it.

So what I actually said was: “fuck it”. It implies that I don’t want to deal with it, don’t’ want to think about it. It’s not my problem and not my responsibility. You versus me. It’s an ego thing.

Twents

Now where I live (Twente) we speak a dialect that is more related to the german and english language than dutch and when translated to my dialect this sentence get’s a different meaning.

In dutch ‘los’ means loose. So the thing is running loose and or will come apart. Now in the dialect people speak in my region they say - ‘t löp wa los -. The meaning of the word ‘los’ in this dialect means ‘open’

So there is a subtle difference and it becomes:

“let it run loose” (dutch)

“it will open up” (dialect)

Dutch is a language that was spoken in the west of Holland. Amsterdam, trade, colonialism. It’s where the ships sailed, the trading was done and the slave trade kept the books. 

It’s where the VOC reigned. The first ever company based on shares and shareholders. It was the birthplace of the stockmarket and virtual value. New York used to be new Amsterdam. 

The east of Holland on the contrary was wildland run by farmers that depended on nature and each other for survival. The social structure and means for survival where completely different. For soccer fans this is clearly seen by the way soccer clubs like Ajax and Twente are doing business today. There are subtle differences.

Farming and fighting

A businessman takes risks. He will make a strategic plan based on profit margins and the risk involved. Usually when risks are high, the profit margins are too. This goes for farmers as well as businessmen. However if you are dependent on nature as your prime source of income. It will be nature that dictates almost everything you do. So looking at it from that perspective it makes kind of sense. 

When you prepared the fields and the seeds are in the ground, you nurture and wait till it opens up. Nature supports you and you support nature. If the climate comes your way you might have an extra good harvest and maybe some extra grain to sell. That little extra was = luxury. It enabled the farmer to buy things he didn’t grow on his own land or to buy tools. 

A business man knows that running a (marketing) campaign is like executing a battle plan. The moment you set it off it’s on it’s own. Everything and everybody must stick to the plan otherwise the targets are not met and profit goes down or becomes loss. Shareholders don’t like that. It’s war remember.

Building empires

Don’t be fooled by advertising. Advertising is making friends, it binds the group. It licks your feet and makes you smile. It’s the liar lying in your face with an irresistible smile and blinding white teeth. Marketing is war. It’s what makes everything move and everything is either in or out. 

So make no mistake. If you work in the corporate world and someone tells you that the company is ‘green’, donates to a kitty home, gives 10% away to charity etc. You are being advertised! You are an expandable soldier kept in place by the rules of engagement. You are either a foot soldier an officer or you occupy the war room. It’s as simple as that. I’m not judging. I’m just making an observation here and it might give some perspective on the word ‘workforce’.

Equation

Everything done by the military is done exactly the same in business. Politics simply rule both. Who profits from war and who suffers? It’s always the same. If you grasp that it’s the subtle difference between making a profit at the cost of others or become one and equal with life itself in order to live. Than you understand ‘equal money’. So please let’s investigate together before this blog needs banners to survive.

What school didn’t teach me...

No questions asked
Growing up as a kid we all come to a point where for the first time we start to ask why?
Why is the sky blue daddy?
Where do children come from mommy?
Why are there girls?
Why are there boys?
How much does the sky weigh?
What is a god?
Why do people pray?
Why must we go to church?
Why can’t I play outside?
Why can’t people leave other people alone?
What is time?
Why is the moon sometimes out in the day?
Why did god let my dog die?
Why does my best friend have two mums?

Most children ask parents questions they stopped asking themselves a long time ago or they simply don’t give a fuck. Maybe an answer came from there parents and they never questioned that answer in the first place. Maybe because they where shit scared of their parents. And so the big journey of questions begins (if we belong to the chosen few that get educated in this world). We go to school with the promise of education and will be given ‘all’ the answers, the answers of us all. I got my answers to this world but not all of them.
Why mommy?

Meet ‘the teacher’
We look up to him or her for she rules the class and all the classes before us. We look around into the eyes of all the other children and all we see is the same confusion. Thoughts racing so hard we all forget what was there when we saw a bumblebee for the first time expressing his daily routine with the flowers. We meet bullies, stress, goals, competence, group pressure, targets and results. Sounds familiar doesn’t it? We meet fear because for the first time we become aware that we have to be part of a result driven group, a mechanism, a system. Free will doesn’t exist. One is either in or out. There is no choice!

From this moment on the suppression begins, and instead of expanding you start to implode. The infusion has begun and there is nothing you can do. You are now officially thrown into the deep pool of information including your bag full of questions that where never answered. Now as you grow older and you become of knowledge a strange thing happens.

You begin to start asking existential questions again or somebody you know will ask you. And at this point we are all fucked. All the answers we get mysteriously relate back to the past, to each other, TV, knowledge and information. And please don’t ask questions about the future we all know what happens.

Yes it’s genius because it’s the mirror of education we all have in front of our eyes. It colours everything you see, do, feel, say or have an opinion about. Education has nothing to do with you and who you are here in the present.The thoughts going through your mind right now? You think it’s all you? Remember all that shit came from the outside not from within.

“You think that’s air you are  breathing” says Morpheus to Neo.

The question
So we hide behind beliefs build an ego to protect and defend the precious information and secrets we call ourselves in this world. We keep gathering information because that’s where we think the power comes from. Well indeed it does. We charge and consume because that’s exactly what the system requires to exist. So, is that what I am, a little dynamo spinning a long? Is that what became of that little boy that had no fear, no grudge, no hate or self pity. Yes that’s what happened.

I became my knowledge and information and if I don’t stop it I will simply keep infusing myself. I will pass the past on to my child like my parents did before me, for what? There is nobody to blame but myself. What was done to my parents was done unto me. So please stop living in the past, stop this fuckup and start educating our children. If your child starts asking questions that you can’t answer. Or maybe ‘you think’ you have the right answers. Look again. There is more to the questions than you ‘think’. It’s your child trying to find out what the hell he or she is doing here... Hell yeah. If heaven was above and hell bellow than we are all living there isn't it. The hell bellow means down to earth. Right here right now. Welcome to hell.

See what would happen if we would listen to what children are expressing! I know, that’s not how the world works. Ask yourself, if we would have to establish heaven on earth do we go with the children or do we continue down this road of grown ups?

The ‘Being’ and the baby...

Trigger

Yesterday it became official that my ex girlfriend and my daughter are going to move to a different city in Germany. The past six and a half years my daughter grew up to be a well-spoken little girl that I saw nearly every week. The physical distance between us was a little half hour by car. This will now increase too about 2 hours (if there are no traffic jams in the ‘ruhr area’ in germany). It doesn’t take a scientist to see the implications this will have on my relationship with my daughter. Everything is going to change from seeing each other on a regular basis to the holidays and long weekends. That’s off coarse on paper because depending on how my work (financial) situation will develop there is no telling if I can make myself available during all the school holidays they have in Germany. So to keep it short, a big point fell through in my life. I can finally start dealing with that point as what I manifested in this reality as fatherhood. The developing situation confronts me with the question of fatherhood in the broader perspective of not being physically on call. I’m removed to the background of the parental/family structure and through that experience points are opening up. These points where hidden so I will try to expand on that.

Consequences

My ex and I never planned for children so that rabbit hole became rather deep for us to navigate. The pregnancy came about due to the simple fact that neither one of us took the responsibilty for ‘birth control’. So we both accepted and allowed ourself to create the reality we face at the moment. It’s the ‘painful’ truth about what I allowed to manifested in this reality. I’m now becoming a symbol I used to despite. My backchat comes up with things like: A father in the distance. A father in the background, never there when I needed you, he lives in Holland and I seldom see him. It’s one of my worst nightmares and it’s manifesting in reality as we speak. Never ever would I see myself here the way it turned out. I look at my thoughts and emotions and the whole spectrum is opening up. Guild, defeat, loss, responsibilty, self judgement. The list is endless. But the situation is irreversible and was always in the back of my mind. A side effect thereof was that I somehow never dared to completely attach myself emotionally to my daughter out of fear of becoming completely lamed the moment this situation would present itself.

I will have to expand on this in a dedicated post because our actions dictate this reality. I'm facing my actions. The consequences are here and they are as real as it gets.

No ego no friction

Looking at the way my daughter and I interact I wonder what the outcome would be if she would experience me having an ‘emotional’ breakdown right now. If I wouldn’t be in ‘process’, facing myself from a different perspective my reaction to this situation would definitively be more emotional. Would that serve my daughter? I don’t think so. So from a starting point of ‘what’s best for all’ the decision to move is fully acceptable. My ex needs a steady job with a ‘future’. Her family will be close by so she will have a platform of support. These factors are not here at the moment so from that perspective I think things are simply moving where they have to move within the system. Financial stability and building a career. Stability it’s as simple as that. Who am I to disrupt this flow of events. It would be an utterly egocentric manifestation to go into this ‘separated father’ construct and create an emotional mess for myself. This is a typical make or brake situation where one either looses it or walks the path of change. It’s very well possible that this experience will open up more points. I will face them and share them in this blog. For now I have to breath, forgive myself and walk a lot of corrections. Which brings me to the next point.

Applying myself

This means taking everybody in this process in to consideration and walk in the best interest of all. Sounds simple but I find it rather difficult. I don’t find it simple although the equation might be. Taking everything in consideration means being aware of what to take in to consideration. ‘All’ is quite extensive to take into consideration. A vast perspective. A thick jungle of thoughts I get lost inn. This is where I ran into a brick wall yesterday and it triggered a lot of back chat. There was this voice that said “you’re fired”... At that moment looking at that point all emotional hell broke loose. I experienced all those moments in my life where I was in front of another person telling me I could start cleaning up my desk. Saying good by to friends and colleagues. Going trough the phase of loss, humiliation, self-defeat, shame, anger, spitefulness, ignorance, depression, money etc. For anyone who’s ever worked in one place for a prolonged period of time and was sagged, you now the drill.

Was es ist...

In the end it’s all ego of the mind. Self definitions. What I accepted and allowed in my life is what is manifested as me. This is just another outflow of that equation. Why did this point come up. What is there to take from what I see here? What’s the pattern? It’s me accepting and allowing myself to create consequence, have opinions and rebel against the system. But the moment that system gives me resistance I don’t push myself trough. It’s me going into denial and self pity instead of standing up, face the consequences and walk a correction. I start to see why I have great difficulties when it comes to getting in gear. Because I don’t. It’s the superego telling me I’m not to blame. It’s a construct of superiority towards people and situations. I’m special. Somehow the rules of the group don’t apply to me. Strangely enough I experience these moments as fear and inferiority. ‘What’s the use’. ‘It won’t work anyway’. I allow myself to become sad and depressed because ‘I just got fired’. It’s the ego given justification to open up my emotional box of pandora and the whole program can start from scratch.

See what condition my condition is in

If I wouldn’t have been in the Desteni ‘I’ Process being where I am and looking at it from the perspective of oneness and equality, well what can I say. It would have been another energetic experience fuelling the intense bitterness that has been accumulating inside me over time. The projection of that bitterness towards this reality and especially myself has been the cause of countless fuckups that prevented me from simply being ‘successful’. It’s all the things I didn’t want to face in my life? The words I didn’t want to hear or speak. The projects that where cancelled. The jobs I lost. The challenges I didn’t take. The ‘relationships’ that fell. All because I became instable because of this bitterness. So it’s up to me to look at what I try to avoid in this world? What is it that I don’t want to acknowledge within me, my self definitions? How come I never appreciated myself as the things I expressed or achieved as a child the way my daughter is doing right now? So in walking this process all that walk have to be taken in to consideration. It means pushing myself in every second every breath. Can I do it? Hell, I don’t know but I’m trying like never before.

Let's start a business

Why I started my first business
Back in 1993 I was the 3th of my 6 years in Art School. I was a student leading a student life. Meaning that I had a rather optimistic and careless view on my future and did a lot of partying. I did jobs on the side for a signage company on a regular bases. I didn’t have a lot of money to spent but I would say that I was able to lead a rather careless life. If I really ran into financial problems my parents would help with the little assets they had and I could always drop by for dinner. So I had my own place, education, food, friends and off coarse my bike. I drove my bike everyday. I never made  long term plans for the future. I always thought that the future would turn out fine if I just kept going. What I was doing was far from what so called ‘normal’ people where doing. I was painting abstract paintings, building objects, studied graphic design and typography and I was reading a lot. Most of my reading had nothing to do with Art or Graphic Design. It was on Philosophy, psychology, religion, and science. One subject that was always on my mind was ‘the truth’. As long as I can remember this question bugged the hell out of me. And off coarse I felt rather special.

I think I knew
I was 21 years old and somehow I knew that it was impossible to answer this ‘truth’ question definitively. If the answer had to come from ‘a brain’ we would all be fucked. No matter how intelligent the being might be the answer could not be trusted. From all I read the only conclusion I could draw was that it was all energy, vibration, frequency. Plus-minus, ying-yang, light-dark, rich-poor, warm-cold etc. Looking around the only thing I saw was extreme polarity. I found Quantum mechanics one of the most intriguing subjects at the time. I read a lot of that stuff and was fascinated. It made ‘sense’ because it didn’t make sense and that was as close to reality as it got for me. Strangely enough it also touched a lot of subjects that where very well and scientifically described in the Vedic scriptures I was reading. These where however more than 5000 years old and that raised another book of questions. Are we 5000 years behind? And if so, what the fuck happened during that time? These questions kept me pretty occupied with myself most of the time.

More Money?
Now if money wouldn’t have been a problem this ‘truth’ thing would probably have become my life’s work as an artist. Most of the things I made in school all related back to my central question ‘truth’. At that time I really thought I would become an artist. Living the ‘free’ life. No office cubicles, no nine to five. I felt superior to everything middle-class or had authority. I would become more or less famous and my art would tell the story. Money wouldn’t be a problem. However as time went by ‘reality’ started to burst my bubble. I was paying the rent and it went up every year. I was paying taxes and they went up every year. I did my groceries and they became more expensive every year. In the mean time it seemed like everybody got richer around me and everything got more expensive. It was very upsetting and I realized that I probably missed out an important part of this reality and that was economics.

Taking the short cut
I didn’t have any money and didn’t have a clue about how it worked. So one day this job offer comes in. It meant working with a Mac computer from 08:00 in the morning till 17:30 in the afternoon, inside an office, 5 days a week. The strange thing was that all my ambition and principles kind of went out the window the moment I heard what they where willing to pay me. It was ridiculous. It was more than three times the amount of money I got in at that time. Even my teachers in art school weren’t making that kind of money. So they told me to just go for it. And from one moment to the next I was a 23 year old middle class person in an office cubicle. I became ‘them’. I got my drivers licence. Refurbished my apartment. Paid of my debts. Went on holidays etc. Yes, I got used to money.  It changed my view on life dramatically. After one year I started to become really depressed. I saw people having affairs on the work floor. Dipping responsibilities, going home early. More or less everybody around me was fucking the company so in fact we all fucked each other. It was disturbing and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it except leave. Which I didn’t do because of the money. I felt guilty and at the same time I justified my guild with having no choice. Then the whole plan changed as they planned to move my department from the east of holland to amsterdam in the west. There wasn’t one hair on my head thinking of moving to amsterdam. So I waited till they asked me what I wanted to do. I said that I would not join them and politely refused. The moment they asked me what my plans where I heard myself say I was going to start my own company. Strangely enough a good friend of mine cancelled his plans for a trip around the world and of we where to start our own design/advertising agency.

My banking experience
Now if you don’t have any money to start a business, what do you do? You work and save till you have enough to do so. You use your scarce time to find clients and you build a network right? No. We just made a plan. My friend who is a good writer made a hell of a story out of it. I made a nice book for the story to fit inn. That book was taken to a bank where a nice man with a nice suit looked into it. This man called us back and said that lending us about 150.000 Dutch guilders wouldn’t be a problem. So without any business experience and 150.000 in the bank these two young adults go into business? We didn’t have a clue but we got work inn and we did some rather nice projects. The other story is that after 3 years we where totally busted, our friendship was down the drain and we owed the bank a lot of money. It would have been better to get the money from the Russian around the corner. The Russian was a much better motivator to young adults.

My inner experience
After all this time I know that the one thing that fucked me up the most in doing business was a complete lack of self-honesty. The blind eye is a trap that traps a lot of self employed people. Identify yourself enough with what you do and think and it takes you over completely. I became a jabbering kind of advertising robot spewing out the lingo. After this ordeal I promised myself to never loan from banks ever again. Debt is the shackle that has chained reality. You and I are fucked within the system. Camouflaged with paper and computers and decentralized responsibility. You can’t touch them but they can touch you for sure. Who’s getting the best out of this deal? We are all participating in the biggest pyramid scheme ever and it’s called -economics- Yeah I know, you never see the truth when it’s standing right in front of you. Well this is where that truth finding mission ended for me. This game is the end game and it nears it’s saturation point. This is my wake up call to an equal money system. And now I must make some money, got to eat tomorrow.

So far so...

Writing about experiences
It has been about a year since I found myself reading the first lines on the Desteni website. After about six months I started writing about myself in what was at that moment a ‘closed’ blog. It was a test to see what would happen if I started writing about my daily life from the perspective of an observer. Exposing my secret mind. Listening to those silent voices that never seem to shut up and are always there to influence everything I do. An observer that would remain neutral and without judgement.

The 'power' of thought
I was in for a lot of surprises. First of all was the shock of thoughts. Typing words is one thing but writing about my own experience and actually not knowing what they represent created sort of a vortex that made writing increasingly difficult. The thing is that I had to describe how I felt as myself going trough the process of stopping my mind. The same mind that produces the words that I’m typing. The more I wrote the more questions about myself arose. I was confronted with shocks, fears and huge depressions. I mean let’s be self honest here. Finally seeing the fact that this world is not created equal because I’m the one creating it is something different. Speak to your family or your friends and they all agree. Yes, it’s a fuck up. The world is not fair. But we all forget to remember who we are in this equation and ‘fair’ simply doesn’t exist. It’s a concept a word. It’s not lived so it’s never real. If we remain of thoughts if that’s who we are than we are thinking it up. It’s a dream, it’s in our heads. Reality should be ‘out there’ so I have to be ‘out there’.

Taking it in
We are the ‘it’, god, ‘we’ are the creators of this world. This means including me! Now who want’s to admit anything of this size to him or herself let alone take responsibility for it? No one does including me. The world seems too big to fit in my head and every time I tried to push myself through the huge resistance I just went into denial. This morality thing totally fucked me up. OK, admitting it is one thing but convincing my own ego to take a step back and shut the fuck up is something else. Nearly everything that happens to me in daily life is accompanied by justification, judgement, guild and especially morality.

Becoming aware
The moment I realized that it was me and only me who is responsible for what happens in my life and therefore in the world was the worst experience in my life. I created an ego that defined me in this world. Everything I did and all the consequences that followed. It was all me. Every time I pondered about my mind I had to keep re-minding myself that the thing that was pondering was the same mind I had to stop. I had sleepless night’s where I would be in bed just staring at the sealing watching this ongoing stream of thoughts, images and emotions that came with them. The only word I had for it was ‘lunacy’.

The Desteni ‘I’ Process
Over the last year I became aware of a lot of things but the most important one was that ‘this process’ cannot be walked alone. It only works when it is shared. You need a platform and people that operate from the same starting point. This starting point is principle based. One and equal. No room for argument or abuse that is ego based. Now this principle was quite clear to me. It was also a wake up call for my ego that had to spring into action like never before trying to convince me I was about to commit social suicide. This was when I decided too share my writings by going public with this blog. Next thing was my Facebook page. The moment I started posting Desteni stuff I noticed that responses dropped significantly. Somehow my facebookfriends didn’t seem interested or didn’t want to be associated with the messages that where posted. In order to get myself going I decided to start the Desteni Inroduction Course now called the Desteni ‘I’ Process. I was very reluctant because of my difficulties with the English and Desteni language. I had and still have difficulties getting trough the words. I had a lot of trouble getting trough the assignments up till now. Partly because I didn’t asked for support. I felt almost guilty to do so. When I finally did it was OK though.


Changes
I was shocked several times by the forces that where present inside my body. Forces I never imagined. After a year in this process things are slowly but surely starting to change. There was and still is a lot of resistance. The mind doesn’t want to give up. It’s programmed not to do so. The moment I started to stop and look at my thoughts my mind went bananas. Stopping and breathing had an immediate and very unpleasant effect on my body. It often feels like my body is being torn into pieces. I addressed this with homeopathy and Kinesiology and I’m starting to feel the effects. I’m more stable and there is less anxiety. This also has to do with the fact that I have a little time on my hands at the moment. But that will change soon because of the fact that one cannot live without money. Money means time and that is something I would like too have more of. It takes a lot of time. Yes, the only thing I can do is to stop and just breath. I’m absolutely in awe about my experiences with breathing. I’m starting to see the simplicity of the process. Just grind it. Stick to the principle. Stop-hold tight, hold still-breath as long as it takes. It fucking works. OK it’s not without a ‘bit’ of physical discomfort but what’s there to loose? Interesting question. If you are reading this and If you have ever asked yourself what the purpose of you being here is... Well the only humble word of advice I would give you is to start writing like I did. Because you are not what you ‘think’ you are.