Day-018-Let's skip school and smoke pot!

Woke up this morning and before I had my eyes open there was this unrest within. My body felt heavy and not relaxed. My back was hurting and I had to start working on a project. It felt like being back in my schooldays with a party hangover.

I'm experiencing some of the aftereffects of sharing time with a friend intensively for over a week. I have to kind of set myself up again for work. Yesterday I got a surprise visit from another friend. I was a bit shocked by his appearance. He looked hammered. I constantly had this backchat that this could have been me. I was seeing a lot of anger within him and asking about it confirmed the point.

I don't see or meet many people socially but I have some friends and we kind of keep an eye out for each other. As we catch up on things in our lives the principle of oneness and equality and the blogs where discussed and I notice time after time again that the biggest point with people seems to be integrating the principle message practically within this reality as daily life. I can write my blogs and have an opinion but like anyone else in this fucked up existence have to get the food on the table meaning remain part of the crumbling economic reality. Survival comes first and that's exactly the universal point that keeps us enslaved.

So I see a friend that looks hammered and I catch myself worrying. I know it's stupidity to worry about people. It doesn't serve them or existence whatsoever. However one point I saw very clearly because I saw it within myself and that is the point of addiction and especially the addiction to conflict. Seeing everything that's wrong with yourself and the world and accepting and allowing yourself to believe there is nothing you can do to change this creates a huge amount of friction within, allowing the mind to build these huge constructions of self sabotage. And within that I allow myself to become very angry, short fused, irritated, depressed, sad, hopeless. The list is endless and the effects are devastating on the body. I became a zombie that was eating itself literally. I'm 1.90m and at one point my weight was around 76 kilo's and dropping.

One of the things I have always done in order to 'cope' with myself was smoking pot and by doing that I suppressed myself completely. I couldn't face the world this reality as what I had become within it. I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was no place for me in the system at the same time I saw it was impossible to escape it. I realized the system doesn't give a fuck. That's why pot smoking and alcohol are so effective in suppressing or releasing specific energies. It serves the hunters who are moving with the system hunting for profit. Less competition more kill. Stopping my weed consumption  was an eye opener. In fact it showed me that my total behavior is addiction based.

It's not complicated, this is the world we create to 'live' in. I stopped hunting. I became enslaved in my own head by moral constructs and projections about the world and the way things work instead of really investigating the nitty gritty of it within and as myself.

It's very hard to get to a self honest point if life is treating one well. I don't give a shit about the world when I'm stoned or high. I don't care about my neighbor or humanity when I'm ego tripping on my success in life. See there is no difference. Both equate the same outcome=ignorance.

My ego trip got me here in the first place and now you want me to believe it's all a lie? Well not to me it is. My success is fucking real you better believe it. I lost myself because I thought I knew how the world works instead of investigating if that was really the case. Doing so made me realize that reality is horrific and that explains why only a few dare to confront themselves with the rawness of this creation.

I realize that being in relationships to survive and being exposed to and forced within the system feeds the parasite that's the mind that eats the body alive and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear waking up to my reality of having to go to work solely because of the money I need to survive in the system

I realize that the principle message of equality is very hard to grasp when one is submerged in daily life within the system where every symbol and all we do relates back to the time is money equation and that this becomes who we are and express within our lives and accept as reality literally eating ourselves alive and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the co creator and participant within and as the system that is ruled by the 'time is money' equation and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that by participating instead of standing up for life for real I was eating myself alive

I realize that seeing reality as the overwhelming amount of information it is as distraction from the experience of self within creates huge conflict and within that only few can stand the pressure and friction generated culminating in ever more outbursts of extreme behavior in the world where people start eating each others faces in public showing who we are within and as mind possessed zombies and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a cannibal myself because I did not realize that by feeding of others I am eventually feeding of myself and within that I commit myself to stand up and give to others what I can as I would like to receive

I realize that fear is the ultimate system of enslavement and that reacting to and following my fears will eventually lead me to apathy and suppression where self movement comes to a stand still and the only option left is eating myself allowing others within the system to profit by taking my place. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face my fears and instead give in to the self abuse of addiction to energy as conflict and substance instead of standing up to deprogram myself in order to become equal with life to create a world that is best for all

I realize that by thinking about the world does not solve any problem. Problems are solved through physical action which implies I have to become physical action and only through physical experience as walking the corrections necessary to bring self change will I be able to change my reality. Within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit back and reflect allowing myself to start the inner dialoque distracting me from the work that simply has to be done. I commit myself to not postpone my physical actions, to stop and breath and bring myself here in order to walk a point I see in real time in order to change my reality.

I realize that getting to a point where I can face myself in self honesty is not I single perspective, it's a process walked step by step, point for point and only by having the whole point and nothing but the whole point by the balls will I be able to make the correct decisions in order to change myself to what is best for all and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the tendency to overcomplicate things thus I commit myself to keep EVERYTHING simple and walk from there learning to apply common sense to daily life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the effects of reality as a projection in the face of another being.

http://desteni.org/
http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://eqafe.com/
http://destonians.com/

Day-017-Is there something in it for me?

For the last few months I have been working freelance out of town a few kilometers instead of from home. This makes it a bit problematic for my dog who has to stay home alone. I could take her to work but it's far from Ideal because she would have to be outside on a leash all day. So my parents stepped in and said they where okay with having the dog over at their place during the day. Our family had dogs as long as I can remember so my parents are more than comfortable around dogs. My mother has a slight problem with her hips so my father is the one who takes the dog for a little stroll around lunch.

The dog loves to stay at my parents I can tell because she communicates it as soon as she knows we are heading for my parents house. One could say the dog and my parents 'love' each other.

Now I'm having a friend over from Amsterdam and we decided it might be a good Idea to take a road trip up to amsterdam to look at this friends new house that was just finished. So I need someone to take care of the dog. My brother is on holiday so I see myself calling my parents to ask if it's possible to take care of my dog for a night. My dad picks up the phone and tells me it's not a problem.

When I arrive to drop of my dog I start small talking with my dad who's finishing up a paint job. Then my mother comes into the room. Her face frowned, and she looks irritated. So there must be something on her mind. And yes within a few sentences she more or less shares that she is not ok with the dog staying. I say "ok" only problem is that I already got the 'go' ahead from dad and I'm about ten minutes from leaving for Amsterdam. So I ask about the problem/friction between her and my dad.

So she starts making her point(s) and within this starts ranting as I have heard her rant a thousand times before. That stuff in my life is not her responsibility and that she's ok with the dog staying during the week but not in the weekends, only in emergency's and so forth. Her frustration and anger starts seeping trough and the stream of information becomes ever more emotional/energized. I can feel the surge within myself as well so I realize I have to stop my participation within this and take corrective action.

First of I need to clarify, so I ask If the deal is of and if I should I make other arrangements? I'm not getting a straight answer, instead I get more ranting. I listen a bit more take a breath and ask again; "Should I make other arrangements?" Apparently it irritates her that I'm not participating within the argument and words spoken and that I'm not as reactive as I would normally be. Instead I stick to the binary equation of dog stay–dog go. So again I state that I want to take action and make other arrangements if she's not ok with the situation. Still no answer. I notice that she's getting even more frustrated by me not participating within the argument. Eventually she says; "OK but it's only for one night".

 -?-

A question I should have asked myself a long time ago. Why the fuzz? Why the energy? Why now? Why here? Why me? Why participate? Why this person? Why this point? Why this specific point? Why make it worse?

Walking home I ponder on what just happened. And looking back the 'only for one night' statement stands out. The question is about one night so why is the word 'only' used.

– 'Only'–

Or 'only' because it's you? Or 'only' this once? Onelie. Interesting. Looking at myself when I use this 'only' as in a one lie construction is stating that I'm making an exception. It's a hidden I ow you you ow me. It's a manipulation pattern that binds people within relationships within the point of mutual fuckness. It's a worm on a hook. A hidden agenda.  There is a pattern behind the way the word is used and it has something to do with 'gaining'. So what's the pattern and what is there to 'gain'?

I see that it's all about relationships and emotions being released. I'm not some guy on the street, I'm the son of the mother that has raised me and my brother and is married to my father for over forty years. A lot of shit happens in forty years believe me. So the dog is merely the trigger. It could have been anything.

Obviously something is suppressed. It's what people do especially in relationships and particular within family. You take it in, you bare the load. You stick to it through thick and thin. You take shit you wouldn't take from a stranger and sacrifice what you have untill… Yes untill what? Untill you realize you have been fucking working your ass of your whole life. Went through the pain of carrying two babies watched as they tried to find their way in a world you don't understand yourself and neither do they. You see your parents and family get old and sick and die. You see the world change into something that departs from everything you as a child believed in. You take on the role of being there for everyone. To be the stability point becoming ever more unstable yourself because all this energy is eating away at you literally. Then your husband get's his first stroke and you realize some day in the not to distant future me and my children will be all that's left. And one of them is this fucker with a dog and an opinion and it's my son. What the fuck?

Placing myself in my mothers shoes seeing myself having children that grow up in world that changed from a postwar fairytale into a consumer megapolis with internet and facebook friends. Is far from coronation street and the sturdy family structures my parents come from. Present reality with Television-feeds coming straight from the tips of precision bombs dropped from drones guided by youngster that don't know the difference between their playstation and workstation. It's hard for me to get my head around this shit let alone the generation my parents belong to.

The future as in now is not at all playing out like the cosy family weekends we had gathering berries in my grandmothers garden. I grew up in a family structure that dictated who, what, where and when very clearly. What I see in people including myself is a point where one gives up and says; "leave me alone, I had enough". Problem is, then what? I cannot simply stop what I'm doing. I created this whole outflow of events including my children. What the fuck! Yes what the fuck! Family and friends and the extend of brainwashing that takes place when we interact and subtly exchange and upload these morality programs as we develop our relationships. Eventually I will realize that I fucked it all up because that is exactly what I was supposed to do and now I'm to ashamed to admit it. In fact everybody is!

It's quite a fuckup and seeing myself participating and reacting within this throughout my life does not paint the picture any prettier. It's time to get to the raw experience of myself and what it means to be part of society within a family and the effects I have on the world around me within every breath. Every gesture, tonality, word I used to create the world around me and the effect I have on other beings as I constantly project and manipulate myself from the starting point of self interest.

You can stay up late ('only') if you help me do the dishes tonight.

See, where can we go from there? Let's start removing the blindfold from what is called the cornerstone of society and see the devastation it has brought upon humanity. No place keeps us hidden from the raw experience of ourselves better than a well oiled family structure and teachers coming from the same place. I will myself to embrace my mother and father as they where born from the ones that went before. I realize that the children that come will only have a chance If I create that chance for them by changing myself.

To be continued.

Day-016-Highway exit strategy's and the 'My way' Character

I was driving as a passenger in a car. We where on the freeway driving up to my place. As we got to about 20 miles from where I live I saw a familiar exit sign. Now this particular exit is the one I would 'normally' use myself when driving home. So without reflecting or checking myself in relation to the moment and person I was with. I hear myself say; "we can exit the freeway here as well".

Almost instantly my backchat kicked in; "Damn that was automated, I did not consult my companion in the matter, I'm such a fool, I'm doing it again, I'm fucking up" etc. All this happening in a split second. Not realizing that what I was doing was not cool and as always when something is fear related, this energy surge manifests in my stomach area.

My reaction to that road sign was totally automated and somehow I saw I was fucking with myself. At the last moment and already next to the exit I confront the driver with the point of having to make a split second decision. Confused by this sudden pressure the driver exit's the freeway. By now I know there is no way back and my mind shit is starting to hit the fan as I'm cramping up.

Looking back I can see myself suppressing this feeling of 'being wrong' before I can blink my eyes and within and as the mind start to produce justifications and arguments why taking this exit is 'no problem'.

Within 'no problem' is me having 'a problem'. 

So here I find myself going full retard again and I'm starting to see that I'm existing like this reactive behavior 99% of my time. Being already next to and almost past the exit gave the driver of the car only a few seconds to respond to my suggestion. I'm forcing a person into a situation I myself would feel pushed or stressed and that is not acceptable. It makes no sense whatsoever.

It then hit me that this person stated more than once not liking this particular route to my place and rather drive on the freeway. Subconsciously I thus already knew this whole thing was me creating this moment to create friction between me and he other person (succeedding flawlessly).

Within this I witness myself going into several self righteous ego–trips justifying my suggestion. My impulsive/compulsive reaction to the sign on the freeway is without any self reflexion or taking the other person into consideration. Confronting the other person with my mind possession is only about me.

So now I find myself in the car with someone within this energy play-out and at the same time I find myself suppressing my feelings of guild because I'm the one responsible for what is happening and the strangest thing is that instead of sharing myself and apologize for my behavior I start diminishing the problem with my arguments. This indicates that it's only about creating energy.

If I would have been self honest and self aware I could have asked the driver 5 minutes before the exit if it would be ok for this once to exit the freeway at this specific point. The answer would probably still be no, but the play out would have been different. End of story. Within this I see it's about getting things 'my way' no matter how small or seemingly insignificant the point. It's about competing instead of being equal.

I see myself participating and interacting within the world and people around me as a reactive mind. Reacting to my own projections instead of being here and aware of my participation within reality.

Reacting to that road sign was nothing more than a program I allowed to start running my life instead of being self directive within that moment. I ask myself how it is possible to live a life in this state of being not aware why and how I'm creating my own reality? It implicates that almost everything I do is not real and it thus starts with bringing myself here within every breath.

Another point is that being together with another person intensifies these realizations because I'm generally on my own and don't get that much feedback. The last week was spend with another person and within that the experience of myself changes drastically. To see myself go through the daily experience of myself as the mind creating behavior within these seemingly 'normal' daily matters without being self aware is such stupidity. At the same time I see this is a process that has to be walked day by day, step by step, breath by breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape reality within and as the mind and have an automated response to a road sign along the freeway not seeing realizing that I'm playing a trick on myself in order to create friction thus energy to keep me enslaved within and as the mind as this addiction to energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drift of into my mind and not remain here as me as breath being on the freeway seeing a road sign thus allowing myself to become reactive and change the outflow of events at the cost of another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take another person into consideration and put stress and pressure on that person forcing the person to make a split second decision realizing that within this I'm actually seeking conflict thus charging the winner looser program creating unnecessary consequences that forces us to time loop al the points realized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this feeling of guilt knowing I just deliberately manipulated another person into taking a decision because I wanted things to go my way and within that allow myself to manipulate myself through using false arguments to justify my behavior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize that it's unacceptable to abuse others through manipulation in order to get things to go my way.

I commit myself to identify and irradiate these automated reactions and characters I create allowing myself to miss moments in time thus creating backdoors for myself where things can go my way as the ego trick of the winner wanting to win as a gambler addicted to the game, starting new games regardless the consequences and without stopping myself within and as the addiction to energy and take into consideration what's best for all within the given situation.

I commit myself to establish through continuos effort of bringing myself here as breath, gift myself the gift of being self directive within not missing a moment thus an opportunity to sabotage myself as the manipulator as my mind that always wants to win by screwing things up for myself and others thus waisting everyone's time

I commit myself to identify the patterns of self sabotage I use to sabotage my process of becoming self aware as me as breath here in every moment.