E-Valuating my accountability

Expectations
Not so long ago I was in the company of a couple I know very well and another person. There was a conversation going that had to do with the way the business was going and the business wasn’t going to well’. The man owns a company and there was a lot of ranting and gossiping about employees and former employees. Looking at it from his perspective and a matrix standpoint I could see what was going on. The whole thing mainly had to do with ‘motivation’ and ‘responsibility’. Feeling disappointed by people. Not being able to count on or trust people etc. It’s the  standard mechanism of looking for external factors for internal problems. A mechanism I’m very familiar with. Eventually it all comes back to where it all starts and that’s taking self-responsibility. It’s fucking tough but that’s how it is.

Addressing consequences as problems
Through Desteni I finally understand what it means. ‘The response ability’. Sitting there listening to all that was said I couldn’t put my finger on the whole thing. There was this energy response within me. I noticed I took sides in the matter. I participated. So I slowed myself down took a few breaths and refocussed. Give and thee shall receive. That was what was going trough my head. We all are confronted with our own manifested consequences and I was trying to understand what lay at the base of this persons ‘problems’ with other people and therefore ‘his business’.

I mean I know people cannot be trusted before I can trust myself and apply this trust practically. Not before I establish self-trust will I be able to see what’s really going on and see people I interact with for what they are and where their actions originate from. I first have to identify these mechanisms in me before I can even start to recognize them in others. So this whole conversation became quite interesting because I found myself stepping back and almost immediately this energy within me lessened.

I sat there and tried to listen and really hear the words spoken. At one point they where talking about the functioning of one of the staff members and him being not ‘that sharp’ (anymore). In other words one is not satisfied with that person in his role or occupation. However this person happened to be ‘In love’ and so it was not ‘that bad’?

Doesn't "not that bad" mean 'less good' = unsatisfactory = less profit = will get fired in the long run. This is in reverse so "not that bad" must be a justification for something...

My first internal question was: Why is a person less accountable if he or she is in love? And what’s next? Does it matter if one is in love, has a depression or is in denial? What mental state would be considered acceptable or preferable? Apparently one is not accountable if he or she is ‘in love’. So failing from that perspective could be called a ‘crime passion-el’ or ‘Mentally not accountable’. This get’s ever more interesting.

None Sense
What’s the pattern here? Where do these justifications come from? I mean they make no sense whatsoever. There must be a set of rules and they must be socially accepted otherwise more people would get fired for being ‘emotional’ because we 'all' are. I also remembered a fears response earlier when I stated that “being in love is like having a drug problem or mental disease”. Meaning: It's addictive, it fucks you up and it makes you high”. As if I had ‘no feelings’. So cold and emotionless. How could I compare those things...

Off coarse I have feelings and emotions that’s exactly my point. Not looking at them from a self-honest perspective or blindly obeying and reacting to them is what fucked me up every time all the time. I’m getting ever more cautious in that department.

This is all about accountability. The socially accepted pressure point where one fails to do what must be done and get’s away with it. It’s completely infused in the way we act, interact and from their build our morality structures. Looking at this point I find the outcome rather devastating. We are fucking ourselves in the head with this justification shit and everybody is participating. Ranting, raving, gossiping and justifying the fact that we are actually being completely self-dishonest to a point where the whole world has become what it is right now. A horrifying bowl of quilt so big, no one dares to even look at it. I also realize that justifying shit is a tip of a huge iceberg that exists within and as me as I walk this process.

The burning Daredevil

As a child, being one of the ‘dreamers’ in the classroom made me part of the small group of ‘different ones’. You know, the children that are mostly last in line when the soccer players are selected. Not that I liked playing soccer in the first place but you know what I mean.

As years past by I adapted this ‘being different’ as my personality. I mean it’s what was reflected back to me all the time so that’s kind of how I shaped my personality. My parents ‘lovingly’ reassured me that that I was ok and that there was ‘not much’ wrong with me. Which was great to hear but it didn’t change the course of events that followed and became ‘my life’.

I got into increasingly more trouble with my surroundings and started to move away from what was ‘socially’ accepted. I mean remove yourself from any given structure you are part of and you are on your own. That’s looking at it from my current perspective but at the time I was developing a personality which makes it a bit more complicated. So what became of that little boy I called me at the time?

Well there was a lot of frustration and anger because I didn’t feel accepted and there was my developing body that got stronger. I was a very ‘physical’ child, aware of what I could do with my body and I loved to experiment with it. So without being really aware of it I was always playing around with my ‘physical’ abilities and just looking how far I could push myself. At times this was pretty far compared to other children and sometimes I noticed that other kids would kind of be hypnotized by what I was doing. Grown ups started calling me a ‘daredevil’. I kind of thought it was a compliment although I didn’t understand the meaning of the word.

What’s a daredevil?

daredevil |ˈde(ə)rˌdevəl|
a reckless person who enjoys doing dangerous things.
adjective [ attrib. ] reckless and daring.

reckless |ˈrekləs|
Adjective (of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action
ORIGIN Old English reccelēas, from the Germanic base (meaning [care] ) of reck .

daring |ˈde(ə)ri ng |
(of a person or action) adventurous or audaciously bold : a daring crime.
• boldly unconventional: : a pretty girl in daring clothes.
adventurous courage : the zeal and daring of climbers.

ORIGIN Old English durran, of Germanic origin; related to Gothic gadaursan, from an Indo-European root shared by Greek tharsein and Sanskrit dhṛṣ- ‘be bold.’

Anger
By definition I was a reckless child and around that time I had a little bike I would drive around the neighborhood making engine noises as I drove a long with my tongue hanging out. This could be considered normal because that's what most boys do at that age. But whenever I was frustrated or angry I would find myself on my little bike driving around like a lunatic. Al my anger and frustration was pumped into my pedals and pulling the handlebars. Sometimes I would visualize pulling the whole bike into pieces. I was often that angry (energetically charged). A side effect of me doing this shit regularly every time I had to ‘release’ was that I got really fast on my little bike. Then BMX hit the scene back in the eighties and I was ‘hooked’. In school though, I was still this insecure inverted inside out kid with poor social skills that didn’t understand group dynamics and was looked upon as ‘the daredevil’.

Thus ‘I’ became Daredevil? my alter ego, my other self. And as time went by I completely accepted that persona in word and deed. Al my insecurity was replaced by bravura. Interesting that within the definition of a daredevil there is: ‘without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action’. My personality became a blown balloon full of lunacy, anti authority, non conformism, theater, drama etc. An insecure mister knowitall hiding behind larger than life stories. The outcome from my present perspective was predictable.

So my skill set was far from what’s preferable in a rigid corporate system you are supposed to embrace as you grow up or into. On top of that, coming from a social left wing family background money was a dirty word in the first place. Yes you always end up walking the path of your predecessors until that first self-honest question is answered. Who the fuck am ‘I’ really?

I despised (financial) successful people and money out of inferiority. Why? Because those people had all the characteristics of the kids that did good in school. Kids that where able to adapt into the system with great ease. Learning the tricks of the trade and do the trading. Now it makes a whole lot of sense to me that what I despise will not come to me. This is exactly what happened in my life. Complaining about the lack of ‘resources’ and at the same time spiting them. That’s not a recipe for success is it. You can be a daredevil in this system but make sure you are head of a bank or a corporation first.

Being that daredevil upside down in a tree is looking at myself through a veil of perceptions. Replacing that veil with a mirror would have reflected the inner demon of my self accepted ego that fucked me time after time. It trapped me into that perceived persona of the daredevil. As a result I have lived limitation al my life only because I accepted and allowed myself to be what was reflected instead of looking what was really there. Such stupidity. Now standing up from this and walking back the manifested consequences is the story unfolding. It’s the toughest most painful thing I ever did and at the same time the most rewarding and soothing because I’m bringing myself back to me.

Daredevilism is a set of skills applied to a certain set of physical challenges that have no real application other than entertainment and satisfaction of the ego of the daredevil in question. The Daredevil can only transform by altering the starting point and definitions regarding ‘him-self’ as the Daredevil. This can only be done with the support and reflection of people doing the same thing otherwise he would walk blinded into the next self created stunt or disaster.

There is a Daredevil in all of us. Investigate and you’l be amazed by what we create in this reality we call ourselves. My journey with Desteni so far made everything I did as a daredevil look pathetic. Seeing myself in self honesty took more courage then anything I ever did in my life. It's like being Evil Knievel stuck in his own burning tunnel burning to death.

My Daredevil ego goes wild when it get's no attention. Often I look away for a second which is enough to let it fuck me up completely. That’s where the real challenge of self-honesty begins for me. No rewards for my ego. Time after time again. Every day, every second and every breath until it’s done.