In respons to mail from A

A.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

- ‘BackChat’ - yes

- not moving - no

- experiencing yourself differently – yes

- self-doubt as self-sabotage - at times

- self-correction - not in every moment

- apply ourselves within the material - find this very hard in daily reality

- document our day to day experiences - often lost for words and also discipline

- doubting whether you should be in the DesteniIProcess - no

- accepted role(s) - yes, but I’m aware and acting on them

- you don’t feel you are effectively moving - yes

- not willing to change - yes and no

- survival linked to ego, money or a point of self-acceptance - yes, interesting point

A.

If you do not yet see Self within this ‘Equality Equation’ then your self-forgiveness is useless. So I suggest the following: Make a list of all the points you have been working on over the last few months. Then next to each point you write down where within the point have you not been able to stop and self forgive.

So what comes up for me right now?

 - work/money

Work has to be done first before all else. Money doesn’t fall from the sky. It enables me to do what I’m doing in the first place. Responsibility towards the minimum quality of the work and satisfaction of my clients nr. 1 priority.

- addiction

stopped weed again around the 13.th of january for the second time(loop). Committed to stand this time. Hard. Very hard. Physical reaction. Pain in arms, shoulders, back. Very unpleasant. Don’t know if it’s solely because of weed or that other points/forces are joining in at the moment. The pains do not fade and don’t go away. Still standing, still committed. But very hard at times. Also sadness and grief. I don’t think it’s self pity. It’s more like realising the time I wasted and the harm I caused in the process. So, ok self pitty after all. 

- patience

I think I want to do to much too fast. It’s a remark I got from a lot people in the past. Slow down man, relax. Rome wasn’t built in a day, etc. Also this ‘Bart Simpson’ syndrome of hyperactivity. Slow the fuck down. I’m sure there are people who get more done in a day. I’m however not those people. I’m me battling my own demons and I’m having a fucking hard time doing so (self pitty?). No I’m actually having a very hard time coping with my own shit here. I’m waltzing on a very thin line. I’m sure in time I might look back on my own stupidity and have a good laugh about this period. At the moment it is what it is. As ‘A’ wrote “it took her months of writing” to get where she is. Well I’m certainly not there yet. So got a lot of writing and self forgiveness ahead of me. 

Trying to fit everything into my life right now is hard enough as it is. Off coarse there are many points that I run into everyday that need immediate attention. I’m simply not able to give this to myself yet. So I take notice and start over. Next step is to document these events so they stick with me. So at the end of the day I can apply self forgiveness more effectively because the point is clearly written down or spoken into a memo recorder. This point could definitively be improved with a bit more discipline in combination with writing everyday. This is closely related to the point of ‘discipline’.

- ego/manifesting myself/talking/preaching

I notice that I lose myself when I’m with family. I don’t see my ‘friends’ that much. I’m pretty much on my own which is a point to look into as well. I feel very lonely and hollow at times. At the same time this surprises me because I never had problems with being alone in the past or as a child. On the other hand this could be my imagination because there where always ‘friends’ around. The main difference however is realizing that I’m alone in the first place. “there is only me”. One of my most prominent patterns was/is ‘superego’ so it’s no surprise that taking the sole responsibility for myself is not the easiest thing I ever did and that there is a big demon present that is not leaving without a fight (or two). OMG this is such a huge point. It’s present the moment I have to be social especially with family. People who are willing to accept so much more abuse from me than the average person. So I’m having troubles here. It’s clear to me I see it. What do I do? Stop visiting? Reduce visits? I’m loosing myself in those moments with people that are supposedly close to me. At the same time I’m able to observe what I’m doing. It’s a horror show. Not that it’s going wrong all the time. There is also progress being made. I mean I’m being aware of what I’m doing a lot of the time and that’s a ‘blessing’ in itself. I have to beware not to feed my ego though. Such a ‘blessing’ is not a compliment. It’s a point of awareness, something to write about and have a look at.

- discipline

I know it’s dangerous to compare myself to myself in the past. If I knew another way of checking my progress I would do so. I use my past as a box of reference. How did I do-what do I do. Writing as I do now helps me to kind of create a third perspective in words as I will read them back wen they are posted. Yes I should wright everyday. Yes I gave into resistance and didn’t wright under the excuse of fatigue. Yes I gave in to bad temper, self pity and laziness. No more. That’s why discipline is on the list as a point to work on in every moment, every breath. I will probably fall a million times. I will also get up again and will myself on this point. My main concern is the point as written above. Wright everyday! Regardless of my state of mind or the quality of my writings. Just fucking wright. Even if it’s just flag points or keywords wright goddamn it. I will wright... 

Continue tomorrow.

For now

28 02 2011
So how am I doing? To be honest, things don’t seem to be going so well. Right at this moment I notice a lot of resistance inside because of the ‘english’ I have to wright. But even if I had to do this in dutch it would probably be the same. I’m kind of all over the place.

Really don’t know where to start and how to make this a coherent story. So if this goes from z to a, I’m sorry in advance. Maybe it’s best to just sum up some keypoints from the last weeks.

- Applied for a steady job
- Went to the kinesiologist (did muscle communication)
- Got extremely restless afterwards
- Went to the chiropractor the next day to realign my vertebrae
- Got extremely tired and still am
- Conflict between me and my parents regarding the way I raise my daughter
- Settled a money argument with a client (75% is paid)
- Got completely possessed by thoughts, fears and emotions
- Lot’s of resistance regarding my process
- Very Depressed
- My father had an heart attack

Rest-less
So business wise I put an end to a very nervous period. This had to do with money off coarse. I finally settled a financial disagreement with a client. This calmed my nerves a little. Just as I planned to take my foot of the gas and calm myself down a little, a new and an existing client called. Both had work that had to be done fast. On top of this I visited a kinesiologist or whatever it’s called in English and I had my first consultation. Also my back had shifted the week before so my back wasn’t straight. A lot of old stuff was addressed through muscle communication. It was very interesting but I got extremely nervous and a lot of anxiety came up afterwards. It was a nervous state that was very hard to bare on top of my usual restlessness. I kind of completely locked into these typical personality patterns I sort of define as ‘my old self’. I got extremely disappointed with myself and I ignored this. The next day I went to the chiropractor to have my back straightened. Immediately afterwards I had an appointment with this new client. As I got home a got extremely tired. It was overwhelming and I completely lost track of myself. Couldn’t think straight and at the same time I couldn’t sleep because of the restlessness. Breathing didn’t help and most of the time I simply forgot to breath.

The following week I got a phone call from my mother around 07:30. My father just had an heart attack and was transported to the hospital in an ambulance. My mother was very sick so she couldn’t join. I went over to see her and immediately thereafter went to the hospital to see how bad it was. By this time I kind of went into a trance state. I was so tired. Everything was kind of blurry, suppressed, hollow, empty. It was like every definition inside of me went into this black hole. I felt completely empty and tired. I could have been shot right there. I felt nothing. I ran on a few thoughts and a simple list. Go to the hospital, see how he’s doing, go back to mom and tell her. Get to work. Check email, etc. Nothingness. Just sheer nothingness.

Mommy I failed
I started working on my DIP assignment. But it was like it wasn’t me that was reading the material and working trough the words. Couldn’t get my head straight. Lost. Completely lost myself. I failed my assignment. Which was to be expected but the feelings of inferiority combined with clouds of superego that produced lighting bolts of fear and anxiety came anyway. Couldn’t stop it and I felt completely fucked. I.o.w. I fucked myself.

Addiction points
I again stopped smoking weed around the 13th of january for the second time. I’m committed to stand this time. This probably plays a major part in what I am observing and experiencing right now. Observing myself over the past few weeks I think ‘cold turkey’ would be the best description. I can only say yes to the fact that I indeed am a robot. It feels like fighting a factory of machines inside myself. They don’t get tired but I do. It’s sheer horror and my body feels like a bomb went off inside. This is all new to me and at times it scares the crap out of me. I just crawl into bed and try to sleep. Never felt so fucked in my entire life. Wondering how the hell I’m going to produce something substantial wen it comes to work. I mean this shit has to be done, it pays the fucking rent.

So I made this my priority list.

- Breathing
- Work and money
- Timemanagement
- My daughter
- DIP
- Family

My shoulders are beginning to hurt again. Going to stop. Keep you posted.

Killing my own darlings

25 01 2011

Where my money comes from?
I wasn’t consistent in my daily writings the past few weeks. Been working hard in the matrix because the money point needed attention big time. Lot's of fears and I was drifting all over the place. April 2010 I started working on a rather big project. For a company that does 24 million euros in revenues a year. I mainly work on corporate identity projects. These projects take time which means I don’t have to be in involved in cold acquisition every month. I wouldn’t survive the horror of having to do that. Anyway It’s a lot of work meaning a lot of hours. Doing one big project a year brings in about 10-15.000,- on top off the small stuff. This is just enough for me to survive and pay the morgage.

Moving inside the wolfpack
Make no mistake, this is the corporate world. I love my work but 'that world' is a different story. The corporate world is 'fuckup' beyond believe. I’m independent since 2006 but earning money in this system is no fairy-tale. I mostly deal with people on general management level. This means I as an outsider always step into a group in which the rules are already laid out. So before I can do my thing I have to know the rules of the pack I’m getting myself into.

The pack from the inside out 
Imagine people closely working together for more than eleven years. They have there own codes, lingo and group behaviour. I’m never sure if what I see is what I get. There are so many unwritten rules and secrets. So much psychology I’m not aware of and at the same time I’m responsible for fairly intensive periods of change within an organisation. In theory you could say it’s their own wish, they want to change and they need the expert advice. Getting this done is another story though. I’m dealing with people and confront them with change that wil affect their daily lives. These are the hard facts about working inside a pack. The pack is always more important then the individual. This relates back to the 'corporate identity', meaning that I will be confronted with different opinions, ego’s and resistance sooner or later.

The misconception of 'value'
A lot of corporate identity issues have to do with ‘perceived value or intrinsic value’. This means that a lot of what is communicated has nothing to do with measurable facts or 'real' value. Being in this process of confronting myself in self-honesty is the opposite of my daily work. It’s schizophrenic beyond words. Corporate communication is the business of professional liars and spin-doctors. All those companies claim human values and the whole spectrum of clichés that go with it. I’m on the inside observing from the war rooms of deception. The company I was working for employs 75 people that they hire out to large institutions in the Netherlands. Hospitals, schools, government and large companies. Big IT projects that need management. I soon found out that the management team knew exactly what they where inn for. In contrast to the CEO who was still completely in the dark

Being part of the illusion
After my first presentation about the strategy and proposed identity they where very impressed and they liked the strategy, visionary aspects and points off change I presented. I got my first uncensored feedback from people below the general management and the CEO. People that where in the field. The breathing living workforce that makes an organisation what it is. The physical reality of this brand. They addressed the pressure points spot on. That’s when I started to feel really uncomfortable. They asked exactly the same questions I asked the CEO 3 months earlier. He told me he was going to create an internal team of people that would take on the task of internalising the new strategies within the organisation. So to be confronted with the fact that this didn’t happen in the middle of a presentation in front of all employees had to be rather embarrassing for mister CEO. But what I observed blew my mind. He stepped forward and without hesitation and full of confidence started ranting about the future, sharing, personal targets etc. etc. He was completely in his own world as I watched in horror how 75 people slowly but steadily lost complete interest or got hypnotized by words without any substance.

Stuck in nothingness
I felt ashamed to be there. I felt like the people in the audience. Being fucked with a straight face. And there I am. Me, my, a company consultant next to this person who completely believes his own story. I can’t even blame him. I mean I’m just as mindfucked as he is, it’s just in a different place. But in that moment I somehow knew this was not going to work. It was not real and my strategy was built on real values that had to be in place otherwise this strategy would not work. Afterwards People on the board (asskissers to the CEO) spoke to me. I got compliments, taps on the back you know the drill. So I’m driving home in this snowblast not being able to really drive and my mind is everywhere. It’s not going to work. He does not understand or sees it. Doesn’t take himself serious enough and he’s leading the company not me. What can I do?

To do or not to do?
Nothing. There is absolutely nothing I can do. Making a stand would mean confronting this man. The outcome of telling men with ego’s the size of aircraft carriers the painful truth is shockingly simple. You get eliminated as a threat. Removed from their matrix and replaced by someone who doesn’t ask questions. I’m inside a part of the moneysystem generator. It’s so clear, shockingly clear. In these moments I really lose it. Horrible fear! Sickening vibes in my stomach. Not a clou of how I would be able to apply myself in this line of work in the future.

Not being directive enough
Third big project as an independent consultant and I more or less knew this one was not going to have an happy ending. I decided to just stick to it. I needed the money. So in that moment I kind of decided I would be prostituting myself. And If I was to be making money I would have to keep doing it. This would get to a point where money would meet my ethics and self-honesty and I would brake and loose it. To cut a long story short. Because of his complete lack of knowledge on the subject a lot of hours had to be added in what could have been a fairly straightforward process. So eventually I add up the hours over a two month period and this ads up to 227 billable hours. The CEO promised me he would straighten out the financial aspects with me before he went on a four week holiday with his family.

Consequences
I mailed him several times and a day before he would fly I got him on the telephone. He promised to have a proposal on my desk before he flew. He flew without the promised proposal. That’s where it cracked. So I wrote my first honest mail. In which I confronted him as a person that not stood to his own word. In other words I called him a liar. This is not done in business. I received a reply full off apologies and the next promise that he would have everything in order the moment he returned from his holiday. I was on him the same day he returned. Nothing. Fried air and bullshit-bingo excuses. In that moment I played out the only card I had wich was the very expensive corporate brochure that was going into production. Half of it was paid in advance so his MONEY was in there. I told him that legally I owned the creative and intellectual contents of that brochure (which is actually true but very hard and EXPENSIVE! to defend in court). So this worked. I also told him I wanted all the money he owed me at once. No more spread out payments or tax constructs. Pay the fucking money. I wrote a mail that was angry, personal and had all the raw facts of his behaviour in it. The money was transferred and I committed commercial suicide. That was yesterday. That’s the moneyfuck.

Tomorrow I will be Walking the streets again looking for another customer to screw. It sickens me. Tomorrow I’m going to apply for a job. Again!