It's in my DNA

25 02 2011

New client evokes 'energy'
So, let’s do this. Ok. Had a productive and enjoyable day (business wise). Which brings me to my daily words-thoughts and feelings. This morning I was invited to a strategic brainstorm regarding the biggest city in the east of holland called Enschede. Every big city makes claims and we had to come up with one for Enschede. For example Vegas used to claim “what happens in Vegas stays in vegas”. Easy to remember with a drip of humor so it sticks in ones mind. In advertising this trick is called “brain positioning” and there are a lot of strategies/ways to do this (great job in psychological warfare I have). But I have a few principles otherwise the schizophrenia in relation to my process would be unbearable. In this particular case it was rather fun and enjoyable.

Where I come from
In the early 20th century Enschede belonged to the biggest textile producing city’s in the world. And strange as it may sound it was also the biggest advertising capital in holland sharing this position wit Amsterdam. Amsterdam was about money and goods, Enschede was about Textile. It’s still called Textown by a lot of people. The whole region where I live was dependant on textile. Whole villages lived from the local textile factory that was present. In the village where I live (haaksbergen) you can still see this. The big houses that belonged to the daily factory management where closest to where the factory would be. The further from the factory, the smaller the houses. These houses are still called ‘labour houses’. They where build by the textile baron (dictator) same as the theater, the museum, the park. All textile money. Then you had the have not’s who didn’t belong to this structure. They where on there own and left to there own devices. Very poor mostly living of the land in huts you can hardly call homes. I talked to my grandmother about this wen she was still alive so it’s close to me. It’s really the world reduced to a village and a textile factory. Sounds familiar? America was build on exactly the same principle with railways connecting the city’s together. A bit like what the internet is doing right now. America is a European concept imported with the Europeans as was Apartheid in South Africa.

My birthplace and herritage
Everybody knew everybody in town so there was ‘social control’ as well. There would always be ears and eyes. George Orwell stuff really. So my father, just like his father was preprogrammed to end up behind a machine in a textile factory. Which off coarse happened. He was 14 years old wen he started working in a noisy, dusty plant. There where simply no other options. This is where the Desteni material comes inn. If you where born into a ‘management’ family you would live out your life according to the boundaries set for that group. If you where born in a ‘workers’ family etc. Now here is the strange thing. My grandfather was born as a ‘Lammers’ but the family couldn’t find any traces that went further back than that? That’s at least strange in a village where everybody knows everybody. I mean if you would fart in church your name would be known, halleluja.

The privilige of guild
A few years back wen my grandmother died we discovered that my great grandfather was a 'Jordaan' and not a 'Lammers'. He was a member of the big textile family that ruled over the little village. This man had a very illusive reputation and a female housekeeper that got pregnant. She was forced to marry a factory worker also called Derk (Lammers). This 'created' family got their own little door in the wall surrounding the factory. Completely bizarre. No other factory worker ever was given this privilege I mean this is really creepy. My father was never told by his own parents. They had to die first before the secret came out. The moment I got this news I wondered what this meant in relation to my family tree and DNA. I mean, how big can the contrast be. My bloodline runs back into two completely different families. One of them being the bourgeois the other poor factory workers. I also wonder if the above has anything to do with my father being able to eventually work his way up to become a print designer for The Jorzelino brand. This normally would have been impossible for the 'normal' folk.

Inventing Enschede
Eventually in the 60s asia became the centre for textile production in the world and the whole region where we lived went into a deep recession. Imagine how this must have been. The hole structure was build on textile and it collapsed completely. So it took everything and everybody with it. The whole region was forced to reinvent its self. So wen the session kicked of this morning, it was said that Enschede really needed transformation. This was worked into one of the first remarks I gave during this brainstorm. I said that this was a process that all ready started back in the sixties nothing shocking. So if there was one starting point for positioning this town it would be ‘Transformation’.

Information inside my body
All this family stuff was with me as we started to brainstorm at the communication agency this morning. I noticed that I was one of the few people that really new the region and it’s particulars. Most people present where not as well informed as I was on this subject so I was able to put a lot into the group and we really kicked ass this morning. I felt at ease with myself also because I limited my sleeping hours this week to a minimum. I stopped weed last week and having little sleep helps me to stay more or less relaxed during the day. I don’t get hyped up so much because I’m simply to tired. I was more focussed than I normally am. I was also more able to listen what was coming over the table from the other participants. It felt rather good and I was really trying hard to be professional and not let my ego or pride fuck things up. I loose my self very easily wen I get enthusiastic. Which is an emotion anyway thus not real. Anyway I made some very good contacts and made my money in the process. I did OK today and I was professional and productive which feels refreshingly good (which is an emotion thus not real). It was quite cool to be able to observe myself and at the same time be really productive and part of a group making money at the same time. I couldn’t help thinking about this strange outflow regarding my family though. I felt authority on the subject running trough my vanes (which is ego thus not real). But it helped me to stand in the matrix equal to the money I want as the Professional they hired to do a job.

A bit intimidated
There where a few moments I got carried away because of the dynamics of the group. I mean MT was there who is kind of the godfather of advertising in the east of holland and founder of the famous M agency. He and I had a very nice creative vibe going. It was the first cool professional day I had in years. But I was very aware of my emotions as I drove back home. Kept breathing and kept myself stable and calm reasonably well. I heart J’s voice next to my on a couple of occasions. Reminding me to shut up and listen unconditionally. Today was a learning experience in the physical and it was cool. Another point that keeps coming up is my yearning for a dog. I always had dogs and I wonder if it would be good for me to go find a pup. This house has only me in it. I think it needs more life. I really do.

I'm cool (sort of)

Feeling more stable (quess I have to thank myself for this...). Have to focus on a few important matrix tasks regarding a few of my clients. My money point needs attention. I will give it that.

Hammer came down

23 02 2011


Ok, short update. My body hurts. Specifically my upper arms and lower back. Warm and cold flashes all day running up and down my spine and pulsing round my solar plexus and kidneys. Overall shakiness and vibration. Not feeling stable at all. Beginning to worry about being able to get my matrix work done tomorrow. Also a bit confused about the assignments I downloaded yesterday and how to get all this down and having to do a lot of business stuff as well the coming days. Breath Mike. Yes. So Going downstairs now. My daughter is waiting for me. Tonight I’ll take her back to germany around 19.00 hrs. We slept out this morning. She needed it and I did as well. We had a very nice day together. Going to watch the videos tonight and make a start with my first assignment.

Loosing myself going into patterns

22 01 2011
Just had a Skype with J. The first thing that comes to mind is speed and information and the way I process all this information that is coming to me solely in my head. I try to ‘understand’ but I don’t. I have to see but I don’t. I have to will myself. Second thing. Pride and ego and trowing words out there that have no significance or connection with what I have to walk here in every moment. I see this as being ‘of track’. I don’t see what is so I can’t act on it. At the same time I ‘know’ it’s about ‘doing’. Stopping myself, willing myself. I’m frying my brains here which is unnecessary and ridiculous because I have to breath and slow down. There is more than enough on my plate as it is. I’m not going to accept this restlessness to continue.

I’m having a really hard time coping with the amount of information coming in and that what I accept and allow to take on. It’s a process Mike. Steps please. What do I expect of myself and which point is it that I have to walk as the point that has to be dissolved first. Can I agree on at least one point to focus on and take that as the point to walk? I don’t know and I don’t see. There is so much to write about and I find it hard to stay centred in what I want and have to take on. It get’s a bit blurry I muss confess.

Feeling stressed actually.

Going to watch the rest of the videos now. I will listen unconditionally and not take notes anymore. Because this requires me to push the pause button which means I’m not listening anymore. After that I will only post the notes I already made and try to describe how I feel in that moment. Than I will sleep. Tomorrow is for my daughter and monday it’s work. There is a lot for me to do this week. I feel rushed or I’m rushing myself to much and there is lack of focus on a where I want to go from here. Find it so hard to put my state into words. I’m scattered and not helping myself fruitfully here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to mix up information without having a clou about what I was saying
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to scatter in trying to cope with information overload
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to pull the information in myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I understood what was coming in
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to structure information I’m not yet capable of structuring
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think instead of listening unconditionally
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to divide my attention instead of focussing on a single specific point
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not make a overview of the things ahead
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to stay up to long and get information addicted
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try and keep up with insights I simply not have yet
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think this is a race I can win
Scattering again :(
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel selfpitty

Ok enough go watch the vid now!

Smoking and missing my brother (again)

22 01 2011
Stopped weed again after last weekend (the ‘E’ weekend) and I notice a dramatic increase in my nicotine consumption. Which at the moment could be described as ‘chain~~smoking’. The usual pattern would be me doing stuff like planning, concepting, designing or whatever. After finishing like a ‘section’ of work I would take a cigarette lean back and reflect on what is in front of me. Either in my ‘mind’, writing or ‘image’. I always enjoy those cigarettes. The taste, the smoke, the flavour. I ‘enjoy’ those smokes period. This is different though. My throat is sour the smoke tastes sharp and sour and there is no ‘enjoyment’. When I smoke weed It’s mostly after everything is done. This may come as no surprise to those who are experienced potheads that have to make a living for themselves.

I ones did an experiment with a colleague and friend J.K. We both worked for the same advertising agency. Normally every day was stuffed with work and we would be going home with a buzz in our heads and burning eyes from staring at monitors for way too long and having headaches from being in a ‘air-conditioned sick-building’.

In this case we where nearing the end of a project so the stress levels where decreasing. We where on our lunch brake and around 14.00 hours walking through the centre of Enschede (that would be in the netherlands). So we passed by the famous coffeeshop Mix. Maybe I have to explain that you can order coffee there but most people buy they’re weed or hasj in ‘a coffeeshop’. This is holland remember. So we walked through this cloud of fine cannabis odours and potheads as we are we take a deep breath. Ooh nice. I had this unwritten rule to never be under influence while working, especially while working inside with other people. But we looked at each other and decided to do an experiment. We would buy a ‘ready-rolled’ and smoke it while walking back to the office and see what would happen those last 4 hours of the day. So that we did. While smoking we walked and the THC kicked in. It was in the mid of summer so we felt chill and relaxed behind our sunglasses. Up till the moment we entered the office building and got into the elevator.

The bussing of the airco, the remains of smells from other people, the electricity. The whole experience immediately changed. My heart rate increased and I didn’t feel ‘comfortable’ anymore. Back at my desk I dove back into my work and the first thing I noticed was that my thoughts where like a bunch of hysterical children running around in my head. My mind was unable to get back into the programming needed for the work on hand. If I focussed on my layouts my eyes kind of had there own plan. I wanted to look there but they where over here. It would have been funny if my heart wasn’t pounding like it did. The whole room felt like this scene from the matrix where neo sees 3 agents at the end of the hallway and everything is in green code but I was definitly not ‘the one’. OK 3,5 more hours to go and I’m out a here. What a nightmare. I looked at J.K. and he looked back with ay very affirmative look in his eyes as we made ‘the pistol to the head gesture’. He was going through the exact same experience. Now we had this room where we made mockups, prints and dummybooks. Kind of the illegal retreat room so to speak. We gave each other the sign and got the hell out of the studio.

First reaction J.K.? “A nightmare!” Specifics? Anxiety, claustrophobia, panic, etc. It was the same with me. The whole environment became ‘hostile’ in our experience. Now what did this tell us? I mean are we freaking out or are we becoming aware of the insanity of this place? We both opted for the last conclusion.

What does this tell me about weed. I mean weed is my stability point. I adore this stuff like a brother (or sister). I remember the first time I had my own harvest and I mean harvest! It was like 1,5kg from one tree I was allowed to grow in my mothers garden. W and I took it back to Almelo where I studied at the deva. We could smoke as much as we wanted because we didn’t have to pay a penny for the shit and it sold well in school. So we were smoking like 4-6 grams at once in water pipes just to see what would happen. Shit happened believe me. Listening to Kind of blue by Miles Davis became like a ride on the back of an elephant over the bottom of the ocean lit by fluorescent lightning. Captain Beefheart felt like an army of Trolls marching trough my room. Tom Waits sounded like Thor if he ever existed. I was transformed by those experiences back then and I really fell in love with weed. It was also my ultimate painkiller. I used it for everything and a lot of times it really supported me. Except for those moments I was hiding away from stuff. There’s my confession. ‘I’ ‘love’ it like a brother and stopping in my weed addiction feels like ending a very intimate ‘relationship’. In essence I think that’s what it is for me.

The outcome of our experiment only confirmed that ‘this brother’ was actually brutally clear about the environment I called my place of employment. It was hell there. Locked in to my normal system with ‘my brother’ at home waiting for me enabled me to bare the mental and physical lunacy that is ‘an advertising agency’. Stoned and in slow-motion with ‘brother’ whistling in my ear telling me the truth, it more or less became visible and sensible where I was and what was there. Of coarse ‘I’ knew I was under influence so I blamed brother for a bad trip. But was this really the case?
Relationships are always complicated but this one is mind boggling. I know its an addiction point. I see I’m addicted but the strange thing is...

I find stopping weed actually easier than cigarettes (I think). I really could use some perspective on this. In the abstract, If this where a choice I would quit smoking and remain a pothead though. It almost feels like mutual respect. And when I smoked pot at the end of a day my cigarette consumption always lay between 10-15 cigarettes on average. This becomes increasingly more interesting although I see it has nothing to do with self honesty and standing equal. It’s not about that. It’s an observation, I read the article about Marihuana and what it is meant to do.

But my question remains. Why am I smoking like a chimney right now? Where does this come from?

Ooops 02.32 have to be up at 07.00. Good night.

Points behind points behind points behind points....

20 01 2011


- Spitefulness
- Self-pity
- Self-responsabilty
- Self-forgivness
- Taking control / making a stand
- Moving trough resistance in the mental, physical and the matrix

Playfulness
Really don’t know where to start. It’s extensive and it’s huge, overwhelming, tiring, painful. f.u.c.k! Yesterday I was in germany. My daughter lives there with her mother who is a music and english teacher. I picked her up from school and we drove to her house. That evening C was giving a concert with all her students so we where asked politely to stay out as long as possible (lol). So we did. We paid a visit to her former kindergarten because that was what she wanted to do. After that we had dinner at the drive-inn and had a lot of fun together. So cool to spend time and I really like the way we are playful together. I mean she is my daughter so ‘I’ ‘understand’. It’s like all my shit moves to the background wen we ‘communicate’.

Yes no gods
After the concert and bedtime story my ex and I started to talk. she remarked on the way F and I made or entrance that evening (my daughter and I where a bit rebellious and I was in a ‘hyperstate’). So I got reprimanded for that in a specific way. I couln’t place it at first but I noticed her ‘female-power’. She really stood up in making her point and was very explicit doing so. At first we where into the usual ‘surface’ talk but because she more or less knows I’m doing some kind of ‘process’ she started asking questions. I think and am quite shure that this had to do with her worries of me not believing in ‘gods’ anymore (this is my observation). She is a very involved free evangelical christian so this had to step forward sooner or later.

My child
It’s her baby and she’s protective. At least that’s how I interpreted her initial reaction towards me. Anyway, we really got a conversation going and we didn’t had one like this for a very long time. At some point my addiction points got addressed. She started talking about her feelings and emotions during the time she got pregnant. We lived on my houseboat together while she was pregnant. My weed and porn addictions where allready in the open at that time so she knew I had a problem and she was in great pain because of this. I was having a burnout so I was a ‘double moron’ at the time. Unable to relate to her suffering (and my own). We moved from the boat I had to sell to a house I bought with lot’s of difficulties and everything intensified. Soon after my daughter was born we broke up.

So that's how you see me
She talked and addressed a lot of my ‘personality’ and reactive behaviour. She did this before but my head was a hole wen she talked. However this time I somehow really got the points she addressed and I felt a lot of -emotions- come up. I saw myself standing as the ass hole that I was in my words and deeds. It became increasingly painful and it was raw. I couldn’t control the tears that came up. It was that good and it hurt that much. I screwed her and myself big time but it was in the past so what could I do but let her talk it out. I listened and shivered. My stomach was on fire, tears where in my eyes and I felt nausea (is that the word for kind a wanting to trow up?). Than it hit me the moment she said enough talk Mike let me see it happening. And it hit me like a hammer! I have to get fucking going. Move myself. Bring it on. Make it happen. Be the change. Move. Push. Stand up. Why is it so fucking hard to just shut myself up and walk the walk. I was really devastated and emotional. Couldn’t stand and take it as useful information. 


The 911 call
C went to bed and I was in the living room alone. So I got my aging powerbook out planning to write at least some ‘keywords’ down so I would remember the next morning that there was a lot to address and what to address. The moment the operating system came on line a mail from J came inn. So I made a very brief statement about what had happened but I couldn’t send the email because of the local wifi configuration. So I took the phone and called J. It was about 00.15. It must have been no more than 2 or 3 sentences and J interupted me very bluntly.


“Dont dump your selfpitty on me”


-!@#$%^&*()-


Everything went kind a bananas in my head and body. Thoughts raced, my body tensed up. I tried to breath to no avail as J stepped on the gas a bit more. I crumbled like dutch spekulaas. Found it very difficult to keep focused on what J was ranting about. Feelings of anxiety and being out of breath. Defence mechanisms, Ego, fear, sadness, unbelieve. Mainly my ego got a well deserved uppercut again. Told J before boxing would be perfect as her sport (she’s a ‘natural’). Total short-cut, lightning and thunder that’s how it felt. J had no mercy she stepped it up a bit more and after I don’t now how long the rant kind of mellowed out and we said goodby.

Sleep over it
Conclusion as always. Get in fucking gear moron. Stop. Stand. Walk. Went to bed like a zombie and got up the same way. Was able to do what the I had to do today but was shaky all day. Lack of sleep as well I suppose. OK. Think it’s said. Next thing would be to address the spitefulness but I’m really to tired to do that right now.

Betablock

18 01 2011
Recap on the weekend. After a pretty hard working day around 17.30 J came in. I was on the phone and bumped into her in my living room. It was funny and she kicked my ass. We both had a big grin on our face the moment we saw each other. J has changed. I don’t know exactly what it is but she’s more mellow towards me. I’ll come back to this later. Two weeks ago J asked me to write about a few specific points. Being: ‘self dishonest regarding falling into addiction’ and ‘me in relation to women. Falling in love, loosing self in the relationship’. I really wanted to take this on but somehow I couldn’t get started. “There’s no excuse Mike”.

Blocking the Beta
Well, anyway last weekend was kind of really, really cool and really, really hard. Both points actually came forward in a way I didn’t expect. But that is always the case when J is involved. I started cooking and we talked. We always talk and we talk a lot. I have to adjust because I’m mostly alone in my house and then it’s quit. The main talking I do during the week is with clients and that is business talk, matrix talk. Which is incomparable with the way J and I talk. We talk so much that it’s hard for me to keep track of what and when and I really have to adjust to this. But I’m getting better at it. We made some salad with fish and had dinner. It was good. Afterwards I was in the kitchen and J asked if I was in for an experiment. Well this was the beginning of a very interesting weekend. We took a certain substance. It was so freaking cool. My mind went completely blanc, silence kicked in and there we where on the couch talking straight into a very long and fabulous night.

Shifts
Somehow I felt completely at ease with myself. My mind stopped ranting which is a gift in itself. And I observed. J had a very specific fear attack but it didn’t move me emotionally I was just there as me supporting J I suppose. Everything turned out fine. I cant bring everything back here in words but a lot of things started moving within me. Everything shifted it was so cool. This went on till about five or six in the morning. I think we had no more than an hours worth of sleep.

Getting feedback
Next day we chilled and talked about everything at our doorsteps at the moment. J is thinking about moving out of amsterdam and it’s interesting to observe my own (emotional) reaction to this point. Being able to spent more time with J... O shoot, there I go. Women, relationships, agreement, my process, addiction points, emotions and the unacceptable behaviour that is still me. The long road ahead, etc, etc. I’m really a moron and I don’t mind that J addresses me as such. So we talked about this shit. About the first months after we met again. The way I crawled under a stone after I fell after stopping my weed smoking habit. I couldn’t face J and share myself. So self dishonest screwing her in the process. Unacceptable yes!. Somewhere during the weekend she said “when two or more are walking...” Now this stuck in my mind so vividly. Why am I screwing myself this much. It just makes no(n)sense.

The addiction point of s*x
And we talked and talked. Come evening we watched a rather lousy movie which was OK just hanging on the couch letting the day be the day and me off coarse attacking another bunch of J’s body points. It’s becoming a reflex. The moment we are together and have physical contact my hands are on there own. It’s just so cool to really start discovering what ‘supporting each other’ implies in the physical. Sunday the sexpoint was adressed and reevaluated which was another great experience. Fuck it let’s fuck. so we did. It was so cool. The whole thing was a breeze and I think we both stepped to plate on this one. We really pushed a lot of stuff I cannot find words for. It’s moving. Things are moving. During all these moments I was permanently aware of this latent emotion of being ‘in love’. At the same time looking at it and breathing trough it. Emotions, not real. It made me cry several times. Just tears very little energy. I find it very hard to bring my experiences into words. I think we are simply cool together but in order for this to have any perspective I have to really start pushing myself even harder in being brutally honest with myself and stop. Just fucking stop and breathe. Eventually I lock inn. To much information for one weekend. My head just refused to work. Words become bubbles of sound and I really loose the ability to really listen and I become unstable. I was able to explain this to J without being a moron at the same time (lol).

Reactions
So, great weekend, great stuff, good insights and a big black hole. Sunday evening was planned for work but it was impossible. I couldnt move my arms and was just tired as hell. In bed I started burning, Stomach, neck, arms, my back. It was not a big fire but it was definetly not ‘cool’ . Burning down the house.

Next day J and I had a long phone call in which a lot of points where addressed again and talked about. Somewhere down the line I mentioned an sms I got from my former girlfriend and the response I gave. This opened up a big point. Spitefulness. Yes. After a rant from J about this manifestation of me it got to a point where everything stopped. There was nothing left. I sat in front of the window, could see my reflection but it could have been the other side of the universe. There was nothing. No-thing. I’m nothing. A bunch of crap that’s me. I’m so glad J keeps confronting me like this. It keeps me humble and grounded. Otherwise I might have been really happy after this weekend and that’s not what I want I think?

To finish off with a dream I had this morning. I was on the farm. Walking, talking and somehow the sun never rose?

Freaking tired, sleepy time.

Addiction points and falling

14 01 2011
Addiction in general. Am I admissible to addiction? Yes, very. If I look back on things I kind of programmed myself into a very compulsive personality. I think my addictions are the points I see the most clear. Weed, (porn/system) Sex, smoking, coffee. Very persistent points. When I look at my behaviour, It’s the same thing. I like to have routines to do stuff. Often these routines become compulsive in that I loose patience or get emotional when I’m not able to do stuff ‘my way’ or in other words ‘my routine’.

Programming 
Honesty? No. In my childhood I did a lot of ‘illegal stuff’. Things I couldn’t take home to my parents. Things I could not talk about. So I had to make up story’s. All lies and eventually this became part of my behaviour. I desperately wanted to feel accepted so I made everything bigger, better and more impressive than it actually was. I did the same thing in ‘relationships’. I thought women wanted a specific kind of man so I tried to be that man. Than off coarse I had to lie because I’m not ‘that man’. ‘A man’ doesn’t even exist. But although I was of sick of myself a lot of times, when I was honest and told the truth there would mostly be an argument or a lot of friction and emotion. So I stuck to my strategy of ‘selective communication’. I.o.w. total dishonesty.

Being self-honest
Things have changed though. It’s quite a relief to notice that It’s actually doable. But that has a lot to do with the way J is confronting me and me being able to open up to her and really ‘get it’. But it’s still there. Call it ‘I’, the mind, systems, whatever. J is on the move at high speed and sometimes this makes me kind of jealous. Another point to face. I know I have to face all these points one by one. Why is it so fucking hard to motivate myself? Painful observation. Self pitty?