Day-016-Highway exit strategy's and the 'My way' Character

I was driving as a passenger in a car. We where on the freeway driving up to my place. As we got to about 20 miles from where I live I saw a familiar exit sign. Now this particular exit is the one I would 'normally' use myself when driving home. So without reflecting or checking myself in relation to the moment and person I was with. I hear myself say; "we can exit the freeway here as well".

Almost instantly my backchat kicked in; "Damn that was automated, I did not consult my companion in the matter, I'm such a fool, I'm doing it again, I'm fucking up" etc. All this happening in a split second. Not realizing that what I was doing was not cool and as always when something is fear related, this energy surge manifests in my stomach area.

My reaction to that road sign was totally automated and somehow I saw I was fucking with myself. At the last moment and already next to the exit I confront the driver with the point of having to make a split second decision. Confused by this sudden pressure the driver exit's the freeway. By now I know there is no way back and my mind shit is starting to hit the fan as I'm cramping up.

Looking back I can see myself suppressing this feeling of 'being wrong' before I can blink my eyes and within and as the mind start to produce justifications and arguments why taking this exit is 'no problem'.

Within 'no problem' is me having 'a problem'. 

So here I find myself going full retard again and I'm starting to see that I'm existing like this reactive behavior 99% of my time. Being already next to and almost past the exit gave the driver of the car only a few seconds to respond to my suggestion. I'm forcing a person into a situation I myself would feel pushed or stressed and that is not acceptable. It makes no sense whatsoever.

It then hit me that this person stated more than once not liking this particular route to my place and rather drive on the freeway. Subconsciously I thus already knew this whole thing was me creating this moment to create friction between me and he other person (succeedding flawlessly).

Within this I witness myself going into several self righteous ego–trips justifying my suggestion. My impulsive/compulsive reaction to the sign on the freeway is without any self reflexion or taking the other person into consideration. Confronting the other person with my mind possession is only about me.

So now I find myself in the car with someone within this energy play-out and at the same time I find myself suppressing my feelings of guild because I'm the one responsible for what is happening and the strangest thing is that instead of sharing myself and apologize for my behavior I start diminishing the problem with my arguments. This indicates that it's only about creating energy.

If I would have been self honest and self aware I could have asked the driver 5 minutes before the exit if it would be ok for this once to exit the freeway at this specific point. The answer would probably still be no, but the play out would have been different. End of story. Within this I see it's about getting things 'my way' no matter how small or seemingly insignificant the point. It's about competing instead of being equal.

I see myself participating and interacting within the world and people around me as a reactive mind. Reacting to my own projections instead of being here and aware of my participation within reality.

Reacting to that road sign was nothing more than a program I allowed to start running my life instead of being self directive within that moment. I ask myself how it is possible to live a life in this state of being not aware why and how I'm creating my own reality? It implicates that almost everything I do is not real and it thus starts with bringing myself here within every breath.

Another point is that being together with another person intensifies these realizations because I'm generally on my own and don't get that much feedback. The last week was spend with another person and within that the experience of myself changes drastically. To see myself go through the daily experience of myself as the mind creating behavior within these seemingly 'normal' daily matters without being self aware is such stupidity. At the same time I see this is a process that has to be walked day by day, step by step, breath by breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape reality within and as the mind and have an automated response to a road sign along the freeway not seeing realizing that I'm playing a trick on myself in order to create friction thus energy to keep me enslaved within and as the mind as this addiction to energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drift of into my mind and not remain here as me as breath being on the freeway seeing a road sign thus allowing myself to become reactive and change the outflow of events at the cost of another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take another person into consideration and put stress and pressure on that person forcing the person to make a split second decision realizing that within this I'm actually seeking conflict thus charging the winner looser program creating unnecessary consequences that forces us to time loop al the points realized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this feeling of guilt knowing I just deliberately manipulated another person into taking a decision because I wanted things to go my way and within that allow myself to manipulate myself through using false arguments to justify my behavior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize that it's unacceptable to abuse others through manipulation in order to get things to go my way.

I commit myself to identify and irradiate these automated reactions and characters I create allowing myself to miss moments in time thus creating backdoors for myself where things can go my way as the ego trick of the winner wanting to win as a gambler addicted to the game, starting new games regardless the consequences and without stopping myself within and as the addiction to energy and take into consideration what's best for all within the given situation.

I commit myself to establish through continuos effort of bringing myself here as breath, gift myself the gift of being self directive within not missing a moment thus an opportunity to sabotage myself as the manipulator as my mind that always wants to win by screwing things up for myself and others thus waisting everyone's time

I commit myself to identify the patterns of self sabotage I use to sabotage my process of becoming self aware as me as breath here in every moment.