Compromising my process in not sharing my blog

11 12 2010

Making a change

I’m self employed. This started part-time the moment I decided not to be in the advertising-marketing business full-time anymore. So I quit and started working 3 days a week. I trained people with a handicap through individual coaching within the govermental Reintegration Agreement (IRO). I developed and taught a practical training Grafimedia. This was my new start and a change to get away from the corporate world that I worked in fore more than 15 years. A change to work directly with people and help them without having to get the necessary papers to work as a teacher. I was very happy to get this change and I gave it my best. Unfortunately the company I worked for went bankrupt a year later. I either had to find a new part-time job or try to make an income solely out of my own commercial activities. This was not the plan because this choice would guarantee a timeloop back to the same point and reason I quit my career in the field of marketing and advertising in the first place. A world where everything is sealed behind ‘the supposed image’ or ‘the intended image’ including the behaviour that has to go with it. That behaviour being ‘commercial etiquette or theater’ whatever you want to call it.

Sorry I forgot my-self

The corporate world is the espresso coffee as the world at large. It’s the money system speaking to all of us and It’s absolutely not ashamed to do so. Fine, reality doesn’t change and I have to make a living of this platform. What the hell let’s get on with it. I stepped in and tried to fit in. The first wall I ran into was the way I had programmed myself professionally over the last 15 years. I always worked for agencies inside creative teams. These where mostly shielded (for obvious reasons) from the agencies clients. Agencies thrive on creativity but they make damn shure these creative ‘freaks’ don’t leave the pen and distort the polished image the client has of the agency and vice versa. 

Ready for enslavement
Because I spend most of my time behind the closed walls of the agencies, there was no direct contact or experience with clients. The network I was building was with people in the same ‘field’ and they where definitely not potential clients for the future. So the moment I decided to become self employed there was nobody waiting for me to enter ‘the market’. So I decided to only do creative work I liked and that the money would have to come from somewhere else. In this way I was able to say no to clients that where only looking for a mercenary to do ‘executions’. 

This worked. If there is a way to do it together, let’s do it. If not, my answer would be “no, find someone else”. I was surprised how much power a definite ‘no’ has. People don’t expect it. They go away but come back because in this ‘no’ was also their ‘truth’. The organisation I worked for and was depended on for paying my bills went bankrupt. I was entitled for financial compensation for the 3 days a week I worked there. I earned the right for approximately 2 years of compensation. So I decided to try and get my own company of the ground in this time given. 

Confrontation with my programming

So this worked for me until I had to fall back on my ‘commercial’ activities completely to make an income for myself. Now the money became more important than truth so I started to do what all salesmen do. I started to lie and bluff to get the jobs. I became a mirror that reflected back answers that where already in the questions of my so called clients. In my way I tried to play their game but I didn’t know the rules by wich the game was played. It was not part of my system. I’m not trained to be an effective salesperson. I was the creative studioguy. So I didn’t fit the corporate-consultant profile and people noticed. Again and again I was stereotyped as this nutcase, dreamer, talker etc. From a corporate standpoint this is fully understandable. A guy in a corporate suit should behave like one. I did not so I was not.

The illusion of 'having a partner'
One big project that ran 2008-2009 brought in a fair amount of money. I decided to invest. I was able to buy a decent enough car for  the first time. Bought a decent computer and a digital camera so I would be completely self supportive. But projects don’t fall from the sky and 2009 ended rather dramatically. Come 2010 I found myself in a deep crisis. The relationship I was in ended very unexpected and in a way that completely blew me of my feet. I really thought I was with the love of my life and although we had things to work on I somehow accepted them as part of ‘being in a relationship’. The sex was ‘out of this world’ and I never had been so intimate and shameless with another human being. Nothing prepared me for the way this relationship ended and I was shattered and very angry. On the other hand I realized this was the first time I started seeing relationships out of the usual context of ‘love and happiness’. I ‘felt’ secure in a relationship when in fact it was all illusion. I had fooled myself and was apparently not able to see what was really going on. So am I able to be objective in the first place? Big questions no answers.

Losing myself in relationship

I was completely locked up in this relationship pattern. All my relationships started from the same point of polarity and according to my programming led to the usual secret thoughts, time loops and complete fuckedupness. My last relationship felt like all relationships all over again. The interesting part being that this time no arguments fore the brake up where given. No evaluation, no contact, no reconciliation, nothing. This made me very angry and very sad. Who the fuck is this other person I thought I knew and could trust completely? I was shocked that things could play out like this between 'lovers' that gave each other a defenitive yes. I did not see it coming. Because of the anger I was able to create some kind of distance between me and my former relationships. Conclusion being that relationships are hiding places for those who avoid self responsibility. I knew because that was what I always did. Being more involved in ‘us’ and ‘the other’ than myself ‘in the matter'.

Beyond reasonable doubt
I started the ITD and sooner or later my blog has to be shared with the world. Now here is the ‘problem’. In the corporate world I try to present this picture of myself. I hope the impression my clients have of this ‘picture’ is good enough for them to mention my name if one of there ‘buddies’ or business partners need someone like me. This mouth to mouth thing is how it works in the corporate world. You don’t deal with one devil, you become part of a pack of devils. In order to be that ‘tip of the tongue guy’ that gets mentioned, the other devils must have enough confidence in my devilish skills to mention my name. Now one of my clients is going to land on my blog sooner or later. What happens? He’s not going to read it all. Some scanning is done. Drug use, addiction points, fetishes, insecurity, opinions. It’s all there for everybody to read which I think is ok. But this guy or girl is not going to want to have anything to do with the contents of my blog or me in relation to his business buddies. They will probably kick me out of the devils pack immediately. “This guy believes in equal money and want’s to advice us on marketing strategies? Are we nuts?”. Something like that. 

Stay or go
So on the one hand I want to share my process on the other hand I don’t want to loose the little space I claim in the corporate world because that is where my income comes from for now. Opening up my blog to the (corporate) world will probably be commercial suicide. J said “link to the equal money website from your website and leave it there for now”. On the other hand I would like to share myself with all. So a point I’m struggling with at the moment.