Fear and depression

28 09 2010 / 09:30

Money, frustration and fear
I’m typing this  post on my old laptop because I cannot work on my main computer. I’ve been working on a videoproject for 4 days now and it has to be finished tommorow. Couldn’t work through the weekend because my daughter was here. No problem because I had it all planned. Yesterday evening I finished the rough cuts of 8 videos for my client. I exported the files to mp4 format from I movie wich takes a long time. So during exporting I was looking into desteni posts on facebook. I don’t know wat happened exactly but after I returned back to I movie my disks where locked. Couldn’t acces any of my harddisks. I freaked. This means I couldn’t acces the projects the videos, everything was hidden. I rebooted the system from a backup disk. Didn’t help.

Fully posessed
This has to do with ‘disk-priviliges’ so I run disk emergency. It was 01.30. and the program told me it would take freaking 13 hrs. Nearly every file on my computer was corrupted. I kind of panicked. 13 hrs and I did not know If things would be fixed. So I took a few deep breaths and told myself to be patient and go to bed to get some sleep. Couldn’t do anything more than wait. I was in a mess. And it happened again. I allowed myself to masturbate without considering self honesty. Came 3 times. I felt so fucked up. And it hit me. Project-money-fear-frustration-anger. It’s always the same equation that triggers this masturbation thing. It disgusts me and at the same time I know I shouldn’t go there. Have to forgive myself and look at it as myself. I know I have to stop in the moment, Right there when the urge to give in is at it’s strongest. I couldn’t do it. So an addiction point. I’m so full of uncertainty and fear. it makes me sick. Didn’t sleep well.


As I got up the program said 1,5 days to restore...
I nearly fainted. 2 projects that have to be finished within 2 days. This can’t be happening. As I write this there is still no certainty if things will be fixed. And even if the disk privileges are restored will my disks be accessible? Then this has to be communicated with my clients who are anxiously awaiting results that where actually finished for presentation. There in front of me on a hardisk I cannot acces because a stupid combination of ones and zeros. Right now a mail comes inn from that other client that says he want’s his stuff tommorow. I’m dieing here. Fuck!

17.00 Reality doesn’t change
Program is still restoring disk privileges. Don’t know if it’s going to work. Improvised between the laptop and the main system today. My stomach feels like a melting pot and my fingers are tingling. It looks as if this could take at least 6 more hours, so it’s not going to get done today. Checked my bank account. It’s horrible. Applied for a job in a callcenter. Something has to be done. This week is killing me. Even if my clients pay in time (which they never do) there will be problems because I used my reserves to the last drop. Can’t take a full-time job because of these 2 lucrative projects I’m doing right now. Will have to ask my parents for help, promised myself I would never do that again. I’m getting really depressed right now. Could cry if it wasn’t so pathetic. I feel lost.

Last weekend I visited T His daughter was having a birthday party. Lot’s of people and I felt lost again. Discussions that went straight past me because I couldn’t adept to the small talk. So I observed and took deep breath’s. It felt really alien to me and it made me sad. I don’t want to feel sad. I know that emotion is not real but I felt it. I felt it when I dropped my daughter off at school on monday. She walked over the yard to the door and something just broke inside me. It’s depression it must be. Really tired, think I’m going to cry anyway.

04.25 
This is getting a rather long night. Found a data rescue program that allowed me to retrieve my data bypassing the diskprivileges. Got the movie files running again but no sound. So I will probably have another two hours of work. Tired.