Facing the greatest evil...

16 12 2010 

‘seeing things but not acting uppon them’

My basic programming
Yes that’s what I do. From the first time I decided to skip a class in school till the last time I called in sick while this was not the case. I’m evil, I’m a preacher. Ones I started reading ‘books of old wisdom’ I thought some kind of veil was lifted. Making me holier than the pope. This whole 'veil' was off coarse part of the 'white light construct'. It made me belief I knew more than other people. It made me feel better, superior. So that moved me in a certain parking spot next to other 'lightworkers' or people who shared my insights. The ‘nobody understands us because we are the 'enlightend’ (fuckups) or something.

The Saboteurs
Guru’s, chakra systems, purifications, mantra, wisdom, ‘logic’, reincarnation, sferes, higher states-beings, planes of existence. It’s very easy to get fooled and completely loose it. And there are a lot of similarities with reading the Desteni material at first clance. That's the genius isn't it. It's right in front of everybody but nobody 'sees'. Anyway, that was my snug corner to program myself into the great fuckup for the years to come. Evolution, Evol-ution, Evilution.

Climpses of self-expression
One of the first concepts I saw for myself when I was about 19 years old was that of ‘energy’. I was watching the full moon pass trough my little bedroom window. Very slowly from left to right and somehow some switches where flipped. Something like, image-moonlight-fotons-energy-distance-time-observing-observer-thought-electricity-magnetism-field-resonance-influence-manifestation etc.. I was reading a lot of Vedic scriptures at the time and stephen hawking just got famous. I was also very intrigued by quantum mechanics although I only understood on an ‘intuitive’ level what was going on. One scientist I think it was Niels Bohr gave an example why quantum mechanics where so hard to understand for the ‘normal man’ in the street. It went something like:

“if 'the instrument' whe use to gather data that's more 'subtile' than
'the instrument', that instrument is not going to give you any data”.

This sentence has been with me ever since. I now realize my mind has been that system all along. I am such systems, a lot of them in fact.

So my next thought was ok, a thought is more subtle than my 12 volt battery. Common sense I suppose. Thoughts trigger neurons which is measurable as electricity. The thought itself is not. What substance is the thought made of?  Plus, when energy is created there is always magnetism. You cant see it and you cant smell it but I knew it was influencing everything. Fascinating stuff when you just started Art school.

Walking into the fuck-up
I was shocked, inspired, curious and about 19 years old. Tons of questions and luckily Art school gave me the change to invest a rather large amount of time into the matter. Art teachers love curiousity so they feeded me like a hungry pig.  I got completely lost in producing thoughts, stuff, art, objects. There where way to many pieces missing from my puzzle to see even a glimpse of the bigger picture. I was absolutely sure about reincarnation and the fact that what I experienced as reality was a manifested thing, a construct, something, everything but not all! I also was a weed smoking all over the place hormone bomb with an obsession for women, beauty and sex. No-bel price for my insights.

Thé Fuck-up of Spirituality
So by now my ‘spiritual’ quest for knowledge became/could be described as ‘recreational’. That’s what it became when I hit the next veil. "So there is more but it's so much my brain will never be able to understand and I don't have the patience to meditate yet". That was enough polarity to keep me dialed and occupied for more than 20 years. Imagine what would have happend if Desteni would have presented itself at that moment...

The greates shock I ever felt
So my really big questions started to accumulate but where completely surpressed. I remember the moment I came in contact with the Desteni material. I kind of got really intimidated, frightened and shocked. It was like this scene from 'Inception' where the whole world around you starts to collaps and fall apart and you are left with yourself as what you have created. I created a monster it was so clear to me. The more collapsed the more monster became vissible. It was my greatest night of horror ever.

The biggest present I ever got
It ‘ALL’ made sense. Mainly because I was missing all information regarding the inner workings of what I perceived as ‘reality’. Especially the part where Winged is speaking about the universe in Expression-flow versus polarity and more vibration. I can't find the specific videopassage but in essence it's about vibration that compounds and materializes. It’s like a fluid that changes viscosity. I knew about soundvibration. The higher the vibration the more get’s manifested. Because of this more space is needed so the universe expands to create space.

Creating gravity... 
More thoughts, more polarity, more manifestation, gravity, more chaos and inequality. But how does this work? I mean where becomes a thought a physical manifestation? Or is that thought all ready a physical manifestation? I was probably not allowed to see how this was constructed until I literally saw it happening in front of my eyes. It's me. It's the creation of me. It's all inside. I am the manifestation of all. I manifest so I create.

The genesis of invissability
Fluid behaving like matter the way matter behaves like a fluid, because it’s in a field! Create an invissible field and let it create creation and let creation try to define god which it can't because it is. - Genesis-Ge-ni-us - This was my eureka moment while reading the Desteni material. It was the confirmatiom/discovery my 'mind' as 'a man' as an ego needed. It was also the most depressing discovery ever because of the true ‘nature’ behind it all. Very shocking in every sence and minute that followed up to these words that I’m writing.

Insight to Faceplant
I just fell again and I’m in a ‘time loop’ where I’m mainly confronted with some very persistent points. Discipline-addictions-physical action-fear-guild-shame-ignorance-hiding and the list goes on and on. I read this Joe Kou post on the forum about his agreement. I found it to be very confronting. Maybe I felt jealous because he is doing what I should do. Push trough and bring it on immediately. It’s really fascinating to read that post for me because I had a physical reaction reading it. Very confronting seeing the same points addressed so clearly and knowing I myself am not there yet. I’m still fucking myself big time. In this observation I know I'm not self honest and at the same time I accept and allow for this 'state' to remain.

Thank you for sharing Joe. 

[manifested magnetism in ferrofluid]

Compromising my process in not sharing my blog

11 12 2010

Making a change

I’m self employed. This started part-time the moment I decided not to be in the advertising-marketing business full-time anymore. So I quit and started working 3 days a week. I trained people with a handicap through individual coaching within the govermental Reintegration Agreement (IRO). I developed and taught a practical training Grafimedia. This was my new start and a change to get away from the corporate world that I worked in fore more than 15 years. A change to work directly with people and help them without having to get the necessary papers to work as a teacher. I was very happy to get this change and I gave it my best. Unfortunately the company I worked for went bankrupt a year later. I either had to find a new part-time job or try to make an income solely out of my own commercial activities. This was not the plan because this choice would guarantee a timeloop back to the same point and reason I quit my career in the field of marketing and advertising in the first place. A world where everything is sealed behind ‘the supposed image’ or ‘the intended image’ including the behaviour that has to go with it. That behaviour being ‘commercial etiquette or theater’ whatever you want to call it.

Sorry I forgot my-self

The corporate world is the espresso coffee as the world at large. It’s the money system speaking to all of us and It’s absolutely not ashamed to do so. Fine, reality doesn’t change and I have to make a living of this platform. What the hell let’s get on with it. I stepped in and tried to fit in. The first wall I ran into was the way I had programmed myself professionally over the last 15 years. I always worked for agencies inside creative teams. These where mostly shielded (for obvious reasons) from the agencies clients. Agencies thrive on creativity but they make damn shure these creative ‘freaks’ don’t leave the pen and distort the polished image the client has of the agency and vice versa. 

Ready for enslavement
Because I spend most of my time behind the closed walls of the agencies, there was no direct contact or experience with clients. The network I was building was with people in the same ‘field’ and they where definitely not potential clients for the future. So the moment I decided to become self employed there was nobody waiting for me to enter ‘the market’. So I decided to only do creative work I liked and that the money would have to come from somewhere else. In this way I was able to say no to clients that where only looking for a mercenary to do ‘executions’. 

This worked. If there is a way to do it together, let’s do it. If not, my answer would be “no, find someone else”. I was surprised how much power a definite ‘no’ has. People don’t expect it. They go away but come back because in this ‘no’ was also their ‘truth’. The organisation I worked for and was depended on for paying my bills went bankrupt. I was entitled for financial compensation for the 3 days a week I worked there. I earned the right for approximately 2 years of compensation. So I decided to try and get my own company of the ground in this time given. 

Confrontation with my programming

So this worked for me until I had to fall back on my ‘commercial’ activities completely to make an income for myself. Now the money became more important than truth so I started to do what all salesmen do. I started to lie and bluff to get the jobs. I became a mirror that reflected back answers that where already in the questions of my so called clients. In my way I tried to play their game but I didn’t know the rules by wich the game was played. It was not part of my system. I’m not trained to be an effective salesperson. I was the creative studioguy. So I didn’t fit the corporate-consultant profile and people noticed. Again and again I was stereotyped as this nutcase, dreamer, talker etc. From a corporate standpoint this is fully understandable. A guy in a corporate suit should behave like one. I did not so I was not.

The illusion of 'having a partner'
One big project that ran 2008-2009 brought in a fair amount of money. I decided to invest. I was able to buy a decent enough car for  the first time. Bought a decent computer and a digital camera so I would be completely self supportive. But projects don’t fall from the sky and 2009 ended rather dramatically. Come 2010 I found myself in a deep crisis. The relationship I was in ended very unexpected and in a way that completely blew me of my feet. I really thought I was with the love of my life and although we had things to work on I somehow accepted them as part of ‘being in a relationship’. The sex was ‘out of this world’ and I never had been so intimate and shameless with another human being. Nothing prepared me for the way this relationship ended and I was shattered and very angry. On the other hand I realized this was the first time I started seeing relationships out of the usual context of ‘love and happiness’. I ‘felt’ secure in a relationship when in fact it was all illusion. I had fooled myself and was apparently not able to see what was really going on. So am I able to be objective in the first place? Big questions no answers.

Losing myself in relationship

I was completely locked up in this relationship pattern. All my relationships started from the same point of polarity and according to my programming led to the usual secret thoughts, time loops and complete fuckedupness. My last relationship felt like all relationships all over again. The interesting part being that this time no arguments fore the brake up where given. No evaluation, no contact, no reconciliation, nothing. This made me very angry and very sad. Who the fuck is this other person I thought I knew and could trust completely? I was shocked that things could play out like this between 'lovers' that gave each other a defenitive yes. I did not see it coming. Because of the anger I was able to create some kind of distance between me and my former relationships. Conclusion being that relationships are hiding places for those who avoid self responsibility. I knew because that was what I always did. Being more involved in ‘us’ and ‘the other’ than myself ‘in the matter'.

Beyond reasonable doubt
I started the ITD and sooner or later my blog has to be shared with the world. Now here is the ‘problem’. In the corporate world I try to present this picture of myself. I hope the impression my clients have of this ‘picture’ is good enough for them to mention my name if one of there ‘buddies’ or business partners need someone like me. This mouth to mouth thing is how it works in the corporate world. You don’t deal with one devil, you become part of a pack of devils. In order to be that ‘tip of the tongue guy’ that gets mentioned, the other devils must have enough confidence in my devilish skills to mention my name. Now one of my clients is going to land on my blog sooner or later. What happens? He’s not going to read it all. Some scanning is done. Drug use, addiction points, fetishes, insecurity, opinions. It’s all there for everybody to read which I think is ok. But this guy or girl is not going to want to have anything to do with the contents of my blog or me in relation to his business buddies. They will probably kick me out of the devils pack immediately. “This guy believes in equal money and want’s to advice us on marketing strategies? Are we nuts?”. Something like that. 

Stay or go
So on the one hand I want to share my process on the other hand I don’t want to loose the little space I claim in the corporate world because that is where my income comes from for now. Opening up my blog to the (corporate) world will probably be commercial suicide. J said “link to the equal money website from your website and leave it there for now”. On the other hand I would like to share myself with all. So a point I’m struggling with at the moment.

Hello I’m Mike

02 12 2010 
Introduction to the forum

I was born on November 21 in 1968. As a child I got pretty much fucked in the 70’s and 80’s and got totally lost in the 90’s. The world has always been a place I couldn’t crasp. I grew up in the east of Holland in a very liberal (katholic) dutch family structure. Everything was easy for me as a child and I could do what I wanted to do. Few rules where set for me. No worries just play. Discipline was for the military and they where not popular in the seventies. Later on this lack off discipline resulted in problems. SchooI, learning, social structures, work and money. I see discipline as a great virtue but I have very little of it. I went to art school when I was about 19 years old. That’s when I really started questioning the world around me but there was no internet and I was all over the place (dutch weed culture). I spent most of my time as a child in nature and the thing that intrigued me the most was this contrast between nature and men. Couldn’t understand this huge cap. Perfection and chaos on the same planet? Didn’t make sense to me. So I started investigating. Twenty years later after a ‘career’ (lol) in advertising lot’s of sadness, relationships, Sanskrit, yoga, purifications, secret doctrine and childbirth, I got stuck and crashed really, really hard. No answers. Vague concepts about the afterlife, enlightenment etc. But no certainty, not knowing and no logic (common sense). I had the worst depression ever and to be honest, it felt like dying. Happy didn’t exist and ‘I hated’ this world and everything in it. Now at this time I’m as lonely as I whas ever going to be so I decided to get a Facebook page and I meet this old friend online. She decides to pay me a visit and after talking (a lot) I here the word “Desteni” for the first time. So I start reading and one by one all the questions that where never answered got an answer that same evening. I was shocked. It all made sense but was NOT what I expected. I’m sure there is more of you that where as shocked as I am. But... There is no way back. Back doesn’t exist. What remains is the definition of me in this world. That definition is fear.

I feel fear. I feel it a lot. It’s with me everyday. Sometimes I ignore it. Sometimes I laugh about it. But the most scary thing I do is to deny, hide or run from it. People that know me may find this very strange. They think because I always was a thrill seeker that took risks, I somehow have no problem with fear. Well here is the trick. The fears I look up are not really fears. Be it in BMX or in the mountains or whatever, they are challenges. Little battles with myself that I want to win. The fears that haunt me are the ones I disguise. I don’t confront myself with them and I don’t dissolve them and I don’t share them out of shame and ego. A big mindfuck. My fears, define me. I don’t talk about them because they are ever present and they always trigger a flight response. These fears are around every corner. I could be making coffee and this single thought or image instantly triggers a physical reaction. I kind of cramp up. It’s like being attacked with static energy. I can feel it in my stomach. A thought that defined some kind of fear and immediately the fear is manifested. Creating fear is simple, just think about it.

What is my biggest fear? Money. The illusion off money. The way it has determined my whole life and me accepting and allowing this to happen. From the first job to the last relationship. Money has determined the way I programmed myself. The end of the month steadily grew into my biggest fear. Got to have money! Everybody knows. This macho thrill seeker finds himself confronted with the fact he is not the big personality he thinks he is. Has to play a game way out off his comfort zone. A game of hide and seek in a corporate world where nothing = equal and everything is based on eliminating threat. I’m just there to collect the money on my part. I can only do this if I play the game according to the rules. This depresses me. It makes me hate the things I do so I’m actually hating myself. And off coarse it has to be fun. All that seriousness, it has to be fun right? Work and life has to be fun? That’s hammered into me since I can remember.

Who said that work had to be fun? I work because of the bills and the bills frighten me. So there you have it, fear and frustration. Isn’t that a nice state of mind. It makes you want to crawl in a corner and die. It made me blind and it lamed me. I want to avoid fear and frustration. It’s depressing and you don’t see great groups off people hanging around a depressed person (unless they get paid to do so). So to the outside world I try or have to present or act out this character that isn’t me and is a fake. This off coarse triggers even more frustration, aggression and depression because I’m never self honest.

So here I am. I failed. No big bungalow, no career in advertising, the bank owns the house and on paper it’s mine, genius. If the current money system rules the world does money rule me? Yes it does. Not only does it rule me, it determined everything I was and have become. I speak the language of the world, I live and speak the language of money and fear.

I used to love work. Doing stuff, learning stuff, seeing stuff. I don’t have that anymore. There is no urge to be ‘successful’. Since I started writing my fears have intensified. Looking back is shocking looking into the future frightens me even more. So it’s here and now. Stopping in every moment realising that there is another moment after another etc. The list doesn’t seem to end. This goes up to a point where It’s too much, too depressing, can’t do it and eventually ‘I’ give up. So I give up. If I’m incapable I’m not accountable. So maybe god can forgive me or some guru can take on my ‘karma’ I don’t want the responsibility. There it is, my biggest confrontation with fear is being confronted with what I have accepted and allowed to become me and not wanting to deal with my own responsibility for it.

Now in order to resolve me, I will have to address every single point that created this entity. But the sheer size of this project is so intimidating. I mean, I can hardly get my head around it. It scares me! So there is my loop from fear to fear. This loop will sustain itself until I’m able to break the spin. This is my first step of that process.

Thanks,

Mike