Worked my ass off last week. Had to finish a videoproject. Half way through I checked with the client if everything was ok. It was, so I continued editing. Then I had this horrible thing with my hard disks being locked and I couldn’t access any files including other projects. In the mean time I was observing myself and I tried to breath through the stress. Had to work for nearly 48 hours straight to get the stuff done on deadline. So I managed to do this and although I was tired beyond belief, there was a sense of satisfaction. The first reaction from my client was positive. Which was a big relief because I’m financially drained to the last penny. I really need the money. This is where things start to get really fucked up.
Because of the peer pressure on generating income there is a permanent stress level in everything I do. It’s money, money, money. Must be funny. Well it ain’t funny. It sucks. Then I was in for a surprise. Got an email from the client stating that they where not satisfied with the end result of my work. So a no after a yes after a break to test where we stood in this project. So I’m of work and into disaster management. The contract was a ‘nocurenopay’ thing. And I had to write an extensive email to make my point. Another half day down the drain, my heart is pounding and I cannot breath.
This is 24 hours ago and I haven’t received a reply. It’s all nice and cosy with this guy until the money subject comes to the table. Than it’s down to business and the blaming game begins. I noticed that people start their emails with “Hi” when things are smooth and then switch to “Dear” when it comes to discussing problems. Anyway I’m so fucked up at the moment.
Introduction Course Desteni
Today the email regarding the Desteni ITD course came in and I took the necessary steps to apply. Don’t know how I’m going to pay for it because I’m financially drained. I applied for a job as a department manager at a callcenter. I got a call today and had a chat with one off their representatives. She was nice and had a positive feeling about our conversation. So let’s stand and see what that will bring. Meanwhile a project in Apeldoorn has restarted. Have to finish a brochure incuding photography in less than four days wich is bizarre to say the least. Got a bad ‘feeling’ about this.
Tracking progression
Must say that although on paper my life is a disaster, I’m actually quit centred and disciplined. Somehow I don’t flip like I used to do and I’m able to remain calm. I’m aware of my own actions most of the time. I’m feeling these points in my fingertips for a couple of weeks now. Not sure if it’s stress or awareness? Sleeping is a disaster. Because of the things I simply had to get done. My nights where short and very irregular. Falling a sleep was no issue because I simply fell into coma’s the moment I hit the mattress.
I’m observing and try to be as aware as the daily situation allows me to be. I’m working inside the Matrix so I must be there as the matrix otherwise it all goes ‘Kansas by by”. But it eat’s me. I feel locked inside a robot most of the time. It all makes sense but I’m not laughing my pants off if you know what I mean. Cant help feeling very lonely most of the time. I’m on an island. It seems that most things social come with spending money. I had to cancel my first evening out with friends in a long time because of money.
I say friends but to be honest, what is there to share? It almost hurts to admit that there is not much left at the moment. My best friends daughter had a birthday last week so I visited with my daughter. I felt like an alien in between the people present. They all have steady jobs and “happy-lives” so who am I to... Had a couple of words with my friend. Asked him how he did and how the business was going. Great, extremely busy etc. I’m struggling with it. Not going to ask for help. Did it once and that definitively didn’t work.
If the main reason is money everything get’s fucked up. Then there is this time issue. He makes long days and complains he doesn’t have time. That’s because he has a yacht that consumes the bigger of his time. It’s so obvious. He is the “have” I am the “have not”. More the “Halve nut” actually. Because nearly everybody that knows me thinks I’m at least “strange”.
I'm talking about 'friends' here. At the same time I understand. They just can’t relate to me. Logical, It’s hard for me to relate to them. Common sense?
So am I drifting? Yes. Do I feel lonely? Yes. Is there pain? Yes. Is there depression? Yes. Am I still standing? Yes.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get angry with clients knowing they play the ‘money fuck you game’
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel lonely
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel depressed
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel depended up on my clients
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel instead of observing ‘my’ feelings
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to yawn and not stop there in the moment and breath
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get completely consumed by work
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel guilty for not sharing my process, ‘emotions’, deeper thoughts, with my best friend
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to disconnect socially in order to ‘get the jobs done’
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel sorry for myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be sad for not seeing my daughter as often as I would
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be frustrated and look at women as ‘pictures’
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to take time-out to reflect on the situation at hand
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lie about my private life in order to keep up a good ‘business impression’
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get lost in thoughts that are merely associations instead of logical equations
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel quilty writing this blogpost instead of getting the work done
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to to cook proper food for myself for lack of time
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the stuff I have to learn during the introduction course
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to fully trust Desteni
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think Desteni could be the best scheme ever invented
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to look at the equal money system figures from a business point of view
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel a bad father
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be in peace with not having to pay for child support
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel better off than other people
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel obligated towards my parents because they where so tolerant towards me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be mad at my father for not teaching me discipline
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have sex as a gift instead of fully participating in the physical act
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear blogging
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to open my blog to the public already
